I use the laundry room for time out, sometimes my 4 year old will scream for minutes and tell me I can't, I can't (say what he needs to in order to get out of timeout) but finally he does. Closing the door seems to help move him along because he hates to be in there with the door closed. Maybe finding a new place for time out would help you too. I have found that I have to just leave him there even if it is longer than I want to until he tells me what I need him to in order for him to come out.
Nikki
Repition and redirection are always good. At this age they're learning that they have a voice and how to push adults to their limits. Don't stress on making her say sorry, because she might not know what she's sorry for. Explaining to her why she was in "time out" and that bad choices can lead to bad consequences. Praise her for making good choices and work on not letting her know that she is getting to you. Explain to her that you know she's upset and you are too, but when you ask her to do something she needs to follow directions. Tell her that you're sorry she made that choice but she has to sit, and please don't talk to me like that, because I don't like it. When putting her in "time out" or talking with her, talk loud enough that she can hear you, but change your tone so that she knows you mean business but her behavior is not affecting you. Don't give her attention for negative behavior, because this behavior will continue. When she gets upset, let her know that you'll talk to her when she settles down, but she will not yell at you and try to do the same with her. Toddlers are trial and error. You're doing a wonderful job, don't get discouraged, we all go through this as mothers. Hang in there! :)
Stephanie,
I Looooooooooooooooooooove the Super Nanny! I get so many good tips and the reminder over everything else, to be consistent with my kids (this I need as a constant reminder especially when I feel like they just wont listen!). So here is my advice via the super nanny. Stay consistent with your time outs. When you put her on the time out spot/seat/etc. put her there once, tell her why you are putting her there and tell her the amount of time she will sit there (supper nanny suggests the age they are in minutes- so 3 minutes for your little one). if she gets off once you tell her one more time that she belongs in time out because ____. If she gets off again from that point do not say anything to her, do not make eye contact just take her by the hand or whatever, and keep putting her back on the spot until she sits there for her alloted time. once her time is up only ask her to say "sorry" asking to say sorry for what it is she has done will continue to be painful. she knows what she has done wrong and all you really need is a "sorry" and then give her a hug. If she can not apologize to you tell her that she will need to go to time out once again if she can not, because that is a vital part of the time out and a way for you to gain respect from her and to let her know YOU are the mommy. Hope that helps.
As far as the shrieking goes, I would imagine that you should respond to that as in any bad behaviour, give her a warning to stop, and then if she does not put her on time out.
Remember Stephanie, be consistent, stick to your guns. you can do it. Watch supper nanny as I do for your weekly reminder. (honestly, some times I DVR it and then leave memorable episodes on the DVR so I can go back and remember what Jo said and how she handled the situation. I also LOVE her book!).
All the best!
I started seeing changes in my 3 1/2 year old when my other son turned about 5 months. What I'm finding is alot has to do with him no longer getting as much attention as he used to, and pushing the limits when I'm nursing the little one and he knows I can't get up right away. I'm really trying hard to interact with him as much as possible, follow through with what I say and putting the little one down if I need to send him to a time out. I've noticed the behavior improving. There are still other things we need to work on as a family, though. It's a work in progress. I hope this helps.
Hi,
We did the opposite when my son Raffy was a toddler. We always spoke quietly and politely to him (unless there was immediate danger). When he would start whining or talking too loud, we would say, "Sorry, we can't hear you unless you speak in a normal voice" and ignore him from then on. Until he started speaking normally. It worked!
Christine
a new baby in the house can upset a todler and she may be trying to reclaim her attention. When the 3.5 month old cries, do you stop what you are doing with the 3 yr old to take care of the baby? Try to include the 3 yr old in the care of the baby. Don't drop what you are doing with her when the baby cries. Crying won't hurt him. The 3 yr old will most likely decide that you should take care of the baby after he has cried for a couple of minutes. Have her take an active roll in caring for the baby. She can get his diapers, hold the bottle for him, powder his bottom,(with supervision) etc. After her time out, give her a big hug and tell her that you love her. Let her know that your love is unconditional, and although you may not approve of her actions, you still love her. I have 5 grown children and 13 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. When my second child was born, my doctor told me "Take care of "Jean" (the first child)
Hi Stephanie!
It sounds like your daughter as already learned that even with those behaviors, she will still continue with her daily routine. When they're young like that, it's hard to discipline, but it IS the key, along with consistency.
It sounds like you're trying to "do the right thing", but she is able to sense that you might "give in". I think she's learned that you will "tire" of her shrieking and give in.
There were some really good responses this morning to the mom who is trying to start "time outs" with her 2 yr. old son. Maybe you should read her responses. You might get some ideas on how to handle your 3 yr old teenager :o)
Good Luck.
Nicole
Check out the book 1,2,3 magic -- it's a great system for discipline (it divides it into 2 techniques, 1 for things you want the kids to stop doing, and another for things you want them to start doing) that works with 2- 12 year olds. The big thing is "no talking, no emotion" when you are dealing with a time out -- she can scream, but it has no power if you don't respond. She still has to do her time out -- and you can walk outside and smell the flowers.
there's a book called 1-2-3 Magic that i highly recommend and it helped me greatly with my 3-year-old. it gives lots of advice and tricks on discipline and time outs.
I'm in the same boat with my 3 year old son! Pre-school teachers are even having the same issues. I've started rewarding his good behavior - not ignoring the bad, but when he does something really good, like help or is quiet while I'm on the phone, or if he does little things, I reward him with a special story, an MM (my favorite/easy/fast reward). It seems to be working, but I'm interested to see other's advice. I need help, too!
Hi Stephanie,
I understand your problem. I have twins. I used "time-out" blocks. They were big wooden blocks that I could stack and the girls could see. When they were in time-out (say for 3 minutes) I would stack up 3 blocks and take one away each minute. If they were still carrying on during time-out I would add a block.
For trips to Grandma's I gave them each a roll of nickels. If I had to get involved in their arguments they each had to pay me a nickel. They could also earn more nickels from me by helping each other. At the end of the trip when we were home again they could spend whatever nickels they had left.
Hope these two ideas help you. They worked for us!
Good luck and enjoy your kids!
Nancy :o)
Sounds like a strong will, maybe some jealously over baby brother?
Nonetheless, what I used with my 3 yr old (now 18) strong willed daughter was, "Time out starts when you are quiet". If she continues to shriek, remove her from your presence until she is ready to begin her time out (explain this to her). "Go work out your anger, then you will return when you are quiet and ready to start your time out".
Practice "apologizing" in made up scenarios when there isn't an issue at hand. Make up a story and teach her how to apologize, "I'm sorry for ..., will you forgive me?" There are some good Franklin books on apologizing, manners, and such.
Good luck, sigh!
Shrieking... sorry - she's 3 - I would just ignore her. She probably does it because she knows it bothers you. Tell her time outs don't start until she's quiet - that eventually worked for me - although I had to sit through at least 30 mins of screaming a few times. After he knew the rule, we had quiet time outs.
"I'm Sorry"... Don't let her out of her "time out" until she apologizes - that's part of system. DO NOT ever let a 3 year old walk away until she has done what you ask of her. This is a very bad habit and she will always do it if you let her. Get up and go after her if she walks away.
Raising her voice over yours... Do more physically w/out talking or explaining to her. Ignore her words and shrieking - that's a battle you won't win verbally. Let her know if she's out of line and tell her to take a time out if she is - otherwise don't speak. If you keep walking her over to a time out - she'll get it. Speak to her when she'd done sassing you and is ready to give in, otherwise don't bother.
SuperNanny has a book out that explains time outs really well, I would pick it up and go over the details if I were you. The details are the parts that make it work.
SUPERNANNY: HOW TO GET THE BEST FROM YOUR CHILDREN
by Jo Frost
Hi Stephanie,
We were having similar difficulties with our twins this fall (about three months before their third birthday). Suddenly I felt like I had two new and cranky and angry kids and none of my previous techniques worked. I'm sure your situation is a bit different since your three year old is also experiencing a huge change by having another sibiling, but I'll tell you a bit about what we did...
On the recommendation of another parent, my husband and I spent the weekend reading from cover-to-cover "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" and then implemented their strategy. After three really difficult days, it stated to work wonders. It is a whole parenting philosophy that requires that both parents be on board and that you both be fully committed to it. I can't give a very good synopsis, but I'll tell you some of the things I liked about it. I like that the parents' job is to be very calm, very empathetic, and consistent and in control. I also like that the strategy requires that you give your kids respect and give them lots of choices and options so they have control and say in their lives. I also like that every bad behavior situation is an opportunity for your child to learn about consequences and to ultimately have more control over their emotions and their lives. I also found it interesting that you don't spend a lot of time talking to them about their behavior -- they learn from the consequences. We've been doing this since December and continue to use the strategies but have had very few negative behaviors.
This might not be the best approach for you, but it worked great for us. I hope you get a lot of helpful feedback from this group and best of luck!
~ Sasha
Hi!
I have a 3.5 year old boy, and he is like that too. Some days are good, some days bad. Everything has to be negotiated constantly, very exhausting. I would just say, pick your fights, let some things go, and fight about the things you really care about.
And don't underestimate that she just got a little brother. My son can be very jealous, he wants to be on his own with his mum, which almost never happens these days (apart from when his little sister is asleep). Try to get your husband to take your little son and go out for an hour and have some mummy-daughter time. Hang in there!
I have a strong willed girl just turned 4. In her time-outs she likes to cry loudly or use a sound I can't describe, but is very irritating. Consistency is the key to all discipline. I'm not perfect, but after time-out, I explain why she got it and request an apology. If there is no apology, the time out continues. After spending a long time in the corner, she apologizes. Amidst the tears and torturing saddness, I find when I endure and out-last her antics, she responds better. I don't hug on her or let her sit or lay down after the time out until I get the apology. But outlasting their actions is tough. (I have 5 children total, so it takes time and I'm usually tired, but I try to prevail).
About speaking over you, she knows she can get to you, so she'll do it. You may yell at this point or are tempted to lose your cool. Speak softly and slowly, and use the time out until behavior changes. This may require a lot of time in time out and take most of your day, be prepared for that, once she learns the boundary, it WILL get better, I promise! Good luck! You can do it!
Hi, I read a few of the comments and the advice about physically placing her on time out is what I did w/ all 4 children. Also, I use a timer and then tell them you have to listen for the timer to know when time out is over. Time out does not start until you are quiet.( then when they are quiet you say ..okay…now… I will turn on the timer)
***But a good one that I used with the children is : "If you do not talk to me nicely I will not stand here and be disrespected...(at this point I completely turn my back to them and say)...I will come back when you are calm"...(and then walk away)
This is a technique used in nature when the leader is displeased it turns its back or head to the insubordinate subject. Humans convey emotion through facial expression to their young and by turning your head you are giving them negative punishment. (taking something away) negative punishment is more effective over time.
Understand that you can NOT do this in anger, it has to be very calm, controlled and matter of fact. This was taught to me by my old child psychology professor and I have gotten wonderful results.
This teaches them a few life lessons such as: that you (Mommy) have respect for yourself and expect the same from them. You set ground rules about time outs being calm, AND they model this behavior later...with friends, on the playground, where…ever, so that if kids treat them badly they know that they do not have to put up with it.
My children are in elementary school and middle school and they all have used this at some point(without even realizing it)
Keep in mind that what ever techniques you use it has to be consistent because you are training (teaching) them, and to master anything takes lots of practice and repetitions.
I wish you success.
Put her back in time out when she won't apologize.
Give her the "silent Treatment" when she is being obnoxious - don't even acknowlege her if she's screaming & do the opposite of what she wants when she screams.
Make sure her time out spot is isolated and boring - can't see or hear TV or look out a window.
Stay cold & calm - go into robot mode. Avoid eye-contact and withold affection until she says sorry. She needs to know you're in charge, not her and making you mad is not the way to get things done.
When she is good - praise her & thank her for picking up toys or any helpful behavior. She may be jealous of the baby so make sure you spend solo time with just her and at least once a day say "I'm sorry baby - I can't hold you now I have to do so & so for your Big Sister!" Because I'm sure she hears you're busy with the baby a lot.
We tried everything with our son for tantrums & screaming - including popping him on the cheek when he screamed and none of it worked. Completely ignoring him & time outs finally did the trick - we also had to take away all of his toys and movies a few times. Now when he starts a tantrum we put him in time out until he can calm himself down and he usually apologizes on his own after. Our son really gets upset if he thinks we are mad at him and usually shapes up pretty quick.
Good Luck!
Alleane
I totally feel for you. I have twin 18-month old grandkids living in my home; she has just started shrieking when she starts to get frustrated (toy doesn't "work right", brother starts to take something from her, etc.) and he has started temper tantrums when he's frustrated (hungry, but can't verbalize it yet and dinner IS on the way).
One trick that seems to work is to speak in a very low tone, so the child has to stop screaming/shouting to hear what you're saying (this is not always easy to do, as our first reaction is to yell). You've taken some good first steps in giving her a time out, but you HAVE to follow through by insisting on a heartfelt apology. If she knows she's not getting out of time out until she delivers an apology she will stop refusing. Do not allow her to walk away. The apology is part of the time out. This may also be her way of getting some of the attention that she now shares with her baby brother. As we all know, even negative attention satisfies them when they think they're being ignored. The most important thing is to follow through every time --- if you teach her the apology is an option by allowing her to walk away or refuse, then she will not deliver the apology as required.
Try the book "1-2-3- Magic"
Regular meals, and snacks will help too. My son always gets cranky when he's hungry.
Good luck to you!