Hello there...I am looking for new tricks to have up my sleeve when dealing with my 3 year old daughter. As of late she has taken to shrieeking when put on a time out. I also have not been able to get her to say "I'm sorry for _____" once she's out of her time out. She flat out refuses and walks away or says she "can't". She also has taken to talking or raising her voice over mine to repeat herself when told "no" in getting something. This she picked up from me due to my using it when she started repeating herself so say "noooooo" over her. I know I can improve with meals at regular times each day, witch should help some, but I really need some advise. The old standbys are no longer working. Thanks for your time in responding!
I think she's acting out because the she's having a hard time with you having another baby. Include her in more stuff that you do with the new baby let her help you a lot tell her it's her baby too. See if that helps and give her alot of extra love.This is what I had to do with my kids and it helped a lot. It's so hard for little kids( only children) when mommy has a new baby because they were the only one for so long and they feel like someone took there place and now everyone is googoo gagaing over this little baby that can't even talk. (smile) Hope that helps you
My 2 year old did the same thing!.... Is it just girls because my boys have never thrown fits like she does.... Anyway, I've worked in a number of daycares (my aunt's being the best, and have 3 of my own, and I can tell you that while you may have been able to get her to appologize in the past, that at 3 she has no knowledge of what "I'm sorry" means....... What's worked for us is to put her on time out, not responding to her tantrums, and when she's calmed down to express to her that her behavior is "not ok" and that it hurt.... We've done that with my 2 year old baby girl since she first showed signs of understanding us and now when she's hurt someone, after her time out, she'll walk up to whoever that was and give them a hug..... For a 2 or 3 year old that is the equivalent of "I'm sorry"..... Hope this helps!
Sounds like your power struggling with her - that can become a vicious cycle.
Are you putting her in time out to 'make' her say sorry. The origin of time out was to give people a chance to cool off. Read Jane Nelson's book positive disipline. You can't force anyone to feel sorry that is an evolution - developing out of relationship and 3 year olds are still very much in the process of learning empathy.Try using story ( without guilt tripping) to help her understand 'other'. It really sounds like time out is being used as a way to punish - punishment is not effective. Jane N actually wrote another book about time outs' after she realized that people were just morphing it into a punishment.
Work on the roots of your relationship, where your expectations are coming from and why and your child's needs for bonding, fun, exercise, meaningful 'work' ( helper), rythme and routine. Improvement ( not perfection) should follow. Help her recognize & acknowledge that yes she feels cranky when she's hungry tired ect - just like you do - she gets jealous from the baby just like all little kids and ASK her if there's something special she'd like to do with mommy.
It is hard to really give your trust to child development with your first (have 3) & I made SO many mistakes
but I have to tell you my last 2 - girls are 10 & 12 and have focused on us enjoying each others company - I do not punish - I tried timeouts 2x early on with them.We talk about it and LAUGH together. Unless you are setting up a special space and making it a comfort - MOST children are not going to stay there when they are angry. And parents then began threatening with other things to then make the children STAY in time outs or worse physically hold them down or lock them in - it just gets ridiculous. so exactly what do we end up teaching?
We need to learn to teach BEING IN relationship. That has really worked with my children - I have never forced children to apologise - and if given time they always come around - that was because of modeling not parroting.
Sounds like your daughter is asking you to change with her and she IS angry -why? - when you put yourself in her shoes how does it feel - what do you really want & need to feel calm - happy? SOmetimes kids just need us to listen & mirror back to them.
Anyway you will work out the kinks -
Rebekah
Gosh, I feel ya! The best thing I have had work is to really emphasize positive behavior. When she helps you clean her room, or says thank you, or helps with her brother just go overboard with how much you like it when she is a nice girl, etc. I agree with the person below me, time out is to help everyone cool off. Kids will attach on to ANY attention and if her attention is coming from getting into time out and all the time spent talking to her afterward about saying sorry then that is what she will go for. Rome wasn't built in a day, so good luck with it! She might not change over night but eventually it will happen.
www.plantitnursery.com
Stephanie,
I also have a 3-year old who has lots of character, and some of my issues with him are similar to those you have with your daughter.
What I do when he's "acting out" (that means totally not obeying and just being generally naughty) is take him in my arms and contain him for a while -- I always find a place to sit. Sure, at first he'll scream and ask to be released, but I won't let go until he can calm down enough to control himself. I'll kiss him, and whisper in his ear, "no, I won't let go until you've calmed down" (might take 2-3 minutes, or more), then when he does, sure enough once I let go he turns to me for a long cuddling hug. At this point, while still hugging him, I can talk to him about what he's done wrong, or even wait until later. This depends, and is your choice. Your child will understand she's crossed the line.
Speaking of, let her know what the limitations are, and stick to them, no matter what, with the occassional compromise. Just be very clear, so she knows you mean business. For example, my son wants to hold a stick in the car, and the rule is that all sticks must be on the floor when we drive. He almost got me recently when he asked to hold just a small twig, after all, what's the harm in this? I decided to keep to the rules, so he knows I am serious about them. On the other hand, yesterday he wanted to jump down the stairs of his day care (he jumps 2-3 steps at a time while I hold his hand) and my compromise was to tell him, "no you must walk down normally, and at the last two steps you can jump." A child has to save face from time to time, right?
I do notice when he's tired he's much more awnry and naughty, so it's true regular sleep and consistent meal times will help. I hope she takes a mid-day nap, and even if she insists she won't, you insist the rules are that even if she doesn't sleep she must stay in her bed - with a 99% chance she will sleep. I've also decided to set time limits on his bedtime ritual. We can read for 15 minutes, then "goof off" for 10-15 max (tickles, hugs, blow kisses), but I will give him a 2-3 minute warning and if he wants me to be there to tuck him in, and give him a small back rub and a goodnight kiss, then he has to be down in bed and willing to stay there. It works! Or, if it doesn't, he gets one last chance. I will tell him that I'll leave if he doesn't cooperate and he can tuck himself in bed!
The more you set clear limitations, with clear, simple, instructions, the more your child will obey and listen. And, stay patient and as calm as possible, when she's naughty, as that's important both for her and you.
As for the time outs, I gave up on these, now that he's three, given that for him they really were not working. I just stop him in his behavior, get down to his level and say "no, I'm going to need to stop you until you can learn to stop yourself." (Terry Brazelton, pediatrician - do get his book on discipline which you can find on the internet) Then I can explain to him what he did wrong and try to get him to tell me in his own words after that. I find this helps for him to start taking responsibility over his actions.
As for not saying sorry, if I ask my son to do so and he won't, I just don't insist. He knows he's suppose to, and may just not feel like it. Then again, sometimes he really surprises me, saying sorry at the appropriate time without even being asked. So, don't put too much pressure on your daughter for this. It will come.
I am sure you'll get more good advice, but honestly, the containment in arms and the clear limitations has been a real life saver for me.
Good luck!
Hello, I would persist in my decision, try putting the time out in a different place preferrably with a door that you can close, Tell her when she settles down and is ready to say sorry she can come out. Sometimes My son woulld whine wnd bother me so much that i would take a time out, I'd lock myself in my room and not let him in until he settled down.
Tina
It sounds to me she's picked up on your insecurities as far as disciplining her. I am not indicating your lack of parenting skills, it just takes time and fine tuning. I'm no pro by any means but I got better at it. So, don't give up. First off, pay attention to your confidence level when you discipline her. If you are unsure in your mind, you are unsure in your behavior. Children are very intuitive! Chances are your daughter sensed that. So, my suggestion would be to count briefly to yourself before acting (not reacting) to her outburst. Make a mental note to yourself that you are confident in what you're about to do and follow through! Follow through, follow through! It may feel like a never ending battle but she is watching you and depending on you to follow through even though she is not going to act pleased with you. Stay firm. Demand that apology before she can do anything. If she walks away, bring her back...however often or long it takes, keep doing it. DO NOT GIVE UP. She will know that you mean business if you do not give in. It may take several hours for the first time she walks away, screeching each time..but I can guarantee you this, she will get the clue, YOU are the MOM. It sounds rigid and unbending but children truly needs some clear boundaries and as long as it does not crush their souls, its alright to be firm. It brings a sense of security for them as it did when I was a child. I didnt like it but I appreciated the clear outline of what was expected of me.
Someone has told me this once and it has always helped, "Remember, your child has a brain of a ___ year old, and you have a brain of a __ year old." It put things back in perspective. She may be crafty in mimicking you but in reality, its just mimicking. She is only 3 years old. She will go onto something new later. YOU CAN DO IT!
**Make sure you spend some quality time with her without your son. This will reassure her that she is still the light of your life. Get in touch with the little girl in her by having dress up days with girly stuff. My daughter loved it so much she still talks about them from time to time. We would put a million barrettes in each other hairs, wear a gazillion plastic bracelets and wear beaded necklaces, put make up on each other, put funny noses or hats on, etc. Then we would take pictures! We still have them. How can you NOT have fun with that?
My children are grown, Daughter is 21 with a child of her own and Son at 18 (soon to graduate high school in three months) but they still watch me and depend on me to be confident and follow through.
The time-out is just that, time for her to think about what shes' done and then say sorry. You may not have given her enough time. The behavior is that of still being angry and not at the point of knowing what she did was wrong. If she comes out angry, give her five more minutes but tell her the reason. If she screams, and she will, tell her that five minutes have been added. Parenting is not easy but once she understands that you are truely in charge, life will go easier on you and she will be a better person for it.
Dr Betty
Stephanie, I'm sorry I don't have any advise for you. But want you to know how relieved I feel to know I am not the only mother of a 3 year old going through what your going through. I look forward to seeing the responses. Hang in there.
Marie
As a mother of seven children, now almost all grown....i think your 3 year old is just letting you know she is still there, now with a new baby in the house....she is just trying to seek out alittle more attention, whether it is good attention or bad attention, she is still getting attention from you... ...i also have a 3 year old grand-daughter, who is doing alittle of the same, they are just testing you also, to see just how far they can push you, because she knows you are busy with 'little brother', as i am busy with my work, they just nudge alittle bit to say here i am and i notice when i raise my voice ... she does the same ... little sponges, they are...so, i have to remember to just sit down with her and talk for a moment and pull her out of the mood...eventually she says 'sorry Gramma' ... no matter how much attention you give them, they just want more and more, and me having seven children is no different than you having two, it's all relative, i was a stay at home mom too...and it is harder than people think...i'm proud of you...take a deep breath, you will be GREAT!!! each day is a new beginning signed....Mom in her late 50's even tho they move out...you are always their Mom!!! (it's a huge honor being a ~Mom~ and my Greatest accomplishment...) Have a great day....Toni
I'm in a parenting class and there were 4 people last night who had similar challenges with their 3 yr olds. Seems to be a reaction to having a new sibling. You may want to help her feel special and respected and let her help with the baby in whatever ways you can.
Classic power struggle. It's the age. Let her scream in time out. This is her time to get over the attitude or behavior. But, absolutely ignore her, 100%. Don't tell her to be quiet, don't say shhhh, don't even give her ANY eye contact. Because that's what she wants. You also said you "have not been able to get her to say "I'm sorry for _____" once she's out of her time out." Let her understand that she is not out of time out until she says this. This is very important, when her time is up, don't let her up from her time out spot, you go to her, crouch on your knees at her level and say, 'what did mommy put you in time out for?' if she refuses to talk, just tell her 'you will sit there until you can tell me', stand up and walk away-her time out continues with no attention to her. You want to make sure that she fully realizes her unacceptable behavior. But don't talk about it too much, you just want her to say it out loud. Once she tells you, and she will. Stay in front of her, still in time out and ask for an apology. If she refuses to talk or say sorry, stand up and walk away-her time out continues. When she is ready to say sorry get on your knees accept the apology and give her a big hug and say thank you and I love you-to reward her for being a big girl and doing what was right. A couple of times of this and it will change, she will realize that in order for her to be free from her time out she must communicate with you. I swear to you, this works. Just be consistent! Good luck!
As a former preschool teacher, and now as a nanny and parent, I understand what you are going through. In the school I taught at it was our philosophy to never make a child apologize. At that age they can't comprehend what it is to be sorry, and really most the time they're not. Although she could say the words they may not actually match her emotions. We would move the child away from where the negative behavior was occuring and let them no they were not able to return until they were able to be safe or kind, which a three year old should be able to understand. We didn't give time outs, which as a parent I understand is a little more difficult. Like I said we just moved them away from the area where the behavior was occuring to "take a break". Ex: If they were throwing sand in the sandbox, they would be asked to leave the sandbox and find somewhere they would be able to play safely. If they were unable to make the choice, we would make it for them. To return to the area, they would come and let us know they were ready to play safe and ask if they could return.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
I know it is not very common - but please use a spoon or belt and spank her on the butt. No child should talk back to their parents. If you cannot spank - then leave her in time out until she says sorry. If you let her out then she knows you will not make her say sorry so she will just continue doing it. DO NOT LET HER!She will only do what you allow. I wish you the best. Be strong.
Do you know why she won't apologize on her time out? My 3 year old told me once that he couldn't say he was sorry because he was told he wasn't supposed to lie, and he wasn't sorry. I recently read an article about that to, that forcing them to say they are sorry when they are not is saying it's okay to lie, and they may be contradicted...
As for the other stuff, welcome to the tiresome 3's!
Hi Stephanie,
On occasion, I find that just leaving the room helps. I think it has something to do with the attention they are wanting in the first place. I will usually say something like, "This is the end of the discussion"...and I leave the room. The first couple times my son was incensed that I would actually leave the room and not listen. He would scream even louder...stomp...bang stuff and it was really, really hard not coming back until he quieted down. Now, it is less of a struggle b/c he knows that I am not talking to him agian until he quiets down.
The apologize part for me too is hit or miss....sometimes I can get it and sometimes I cant. That part of the equation I have not worked out yet either...if you find something great, let me know!
Good luck!
I also have a 3 year old and struggle in the discipline area. I have found that taking away something that he is currently playing with does the trick. Time outs didn't really work for me put the taking away certainly does. I hardly have to ask for an "I'm sorry" anymore. Good luck.
Oh my Goodness, that last response - Are you even a mother??? If so you need to go to some parenting classes. You don't hit a child specially with an object. Unless you'd like to teach them that hitting is okay and I'm sure you will be their first practice shot.
Stephanie - the response from the former teacher very good! Understand it's just a phase and don't make a big fuss over her behavior just walk away from it. Trust me she won't be doing this a year from now.
You had mentioned feeding her on time. I can't say enough with my 3 yr old son how important it is to make sure he always is fed, it makes such a difference. We all can get cranky if I don't eat. So when she is acting out, take look to see if her needs are being met - as well as sleep.
A year ago, when my daughter was the same age, she started doing things where she wouldn't listen or defy me. I came to a point where I just stopped talking to her and had this look on my face that had "I'm disappointed" written all over it. It was really wierd how that made her feel bad enough to say I'm sorry. Then we'd discuss what happened and how she hurt my feelings, then she'd tell me how I hurt hers, so we'd have this dialogue that's really great! Yelling didn't prove useful, just made me more frustrated and she, more defiant, she wasn't going to hear me better when I yelled so I stopped. Now she knows that when she gets the silent treatment from me, something's up and she'll come and say "I'm sorry", "I Love You", "I didn't mean to make you frustrated, but..." and we hug for a long time and discuss. While I'm sure this isn't a good method for others, it's what worked for my daughter and me. :) Good Luck and keep remembering that "this too, shall pass".