My daughter (age 12) is going away for the weekend with a youth group of girls ranging from ages 10 to 13. Last year she went away with the same group. I was talking to the leader about some unrelated issues (what are the activities in the evening in the hotel rooms) and she casually mentioned that the girls traveling in her car (my daughter included) will be watching Twilight. I have no objection to that particular movie, as my daughter has read the book series and seen the movie. My concern is that a PG-13 movie is being shown without my knowledge or consent. How do I know this is the only PG-13 movie that will be shown? Do you think I'm overreacting. If I were responding to this, I would say talk to the other parents and see how they feel, however, I know the majority of the parents lack parenting skills and are just happy to get rid of their kids for the weekend.
To further clarify, the leader is not doing me a favor by driving my daughter. The entire group is meeting locally and then traveling 4 hours by car to their destination, the asst. leader and 2 other parents are also driving and chaperoning the trip. I have read parts of Twilight and seen the movie with my daughters and discussed it with them, the issue is not this movie, it's that I wasn't informed.
I wouldn't object to a 12 year old watching Twilight either but I do agree that a youth group should not be showing PG13 movies without parental consent. Since our school has to send home a consent do show a PG13 to kids under 13, and if I was showing a PG 13 in my home to other people's kids I'd certainly ask them first, I think that other groups should do the same, it's the right thing to do.
I guess to some people, it just seems like such a casual issue, with people taking 3 year olds to see PG 13 movies like Spider Man and Harry Potter, that they don't think PG 13 is any big deal.
No, I do not think you are overreacting. I imagine it is simply thoughtlessness on the part of the organisers. It is something I would bring up very neutrally, something along the lines of that you try to limit your daugther's exposure to certain films and would love to know if there are any alternative actitivites she can do if a situation arrises in which a film is shown that you feel she should not be exposed to.
As a parent I always informed the other parents if I was going to show a movie and got their permission. Also, when my children went somewhere I would ask that parent about movies and gave my kids guidelines to help them discern.
Anne
Hi Lori
Sorry for this situation. It should not be happening. Youth groups adults should always be above board as they have someone else's children in their charge, however, that is not always the case. There are questionable people everywhere and if we want to know what is happening with our children we must be there.
My question is what else are they doing that they are not old enough to be doing? And why are they teaching that it is ok not to obey they guidelines? rules? lie?
My background says that not all children are ready for or understand what is happening around them. I remember coming home from youth group and telling my mom what we were talking about and that there were magazines there to look at. I was not a reader in 7th grade so I just visited with my friends and no one seemed to want me included. My mom could have just said, it's all ok because I didn't look, but instead she investigated to find the youth leader had brought just exactly the magazines you thought in and assumed that all the kids had seen porn before.
It was not what my mom was sending me to youth group at our church for and she made that clear. I don't recall all that happened because I am old, so that was many years ago& at the time I didn't really understand the big deal of it. But it continues to be a vivid memory as an adult about how to parent.
God bless you for caring, not just about your children but the other children as well.
Karen SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37,33,and twins 19.
it's possible that this person didn't realize the rating on the movie, since most young girls are reading the series.
I do think you might be over reacting a little.... but, if it's that much of a concern, then talk to the other parents...but let the leader know that you are doing so. Don't do it behind her back or she may feel awkward when in your presence.
My guess is that Twilight is so popular that she didn't even think about the rating. And probably just wanted the drive to be interesting esp. if it is at night!
I'd just ask the leader "what are any other movies you're planning on viewing?" And just express concern that the PG-13 rating covers a wide range of ideas and topics.
I remember being allowed to show "Flashdance" at a 13-14th birthday sleep-over and Mom realizing too late that it was an R.
I don't think you're overreacting, but you'll not know unless you ask. Discussing with the other parents might make this a bigger "Issue" than it needs to be.
I personal opinion is that you are overreacting! Have you seen or read twilight? I really dont know why it was even given a PG-13 rating. (the other books I can see actually going up in ratings). Stephanie Meyers in Morman. There is barely a curse in the book. NO SEX AT ALL!!! And the violence in the movie is lacking severely. (for vampires I mean) I am sure the mother watched the movie and thought probably the same thing. If your daughter is 12, I can promise you she has heard much worse things that this movie has to offer. I say relax. If you feel you cant do this, I would casually mention that you seen the movie and your opinion on the PG13 rating. And casually mention that your daughter has not been permitted to watch pg13 movies before so this doesnt happen again. Do not go to the other parents. I mean after all she is driving your daughter to this camp as a favor to you, no? and technically, causually or not, she did mention it to you. Maybe she thought you would say no if it bothered you. Then your poor daughter would have been "mortified" (as they call it) that she was the only one in the car who could not watch it. LOL Seriously though, I wouldnt over react.
I would be PO'd if I were in your shoes. I didn't read Twilight, but isn't it a vampire book? Doesn't sound like youth group appropriate material to me, even the age/parental consent issue aside. I think my sister put it well, when discussing the Easter Bunny/Santa issue (she does not do either of these)--it's annoying when people at her church ask her kids about the easter bunny, santa, etc. during the holidays. Shouldn't church be the one place where you can escape the trappings of the world? Or at least have the choice as to whether or not you want your child to watch a particular movie? Sorry for the rant, but in my opinion, it is the youth group leaders' jobs to provide appropriate entertainment. If someone is even thinking of showing a movie, the rating should be checked, and parents should at least be notified ahead of time.
Hi Lori,
I don't think you are over reacting at all. I feel the same way when it comes to appropriate movies for my daughter. I have found that many parents are very lax on this subject but the youth leader should still get consent. Now that you know and are fine w/ her watching Twilight, I'd talk to the leader again and tell her that Twilight is ok, but ask what other movies are being shown. I've read all the Twilight books and seen the movie. The movie only has two swear words (damn and hell) and the brief kissing seen. But this is not true of most PG-13 movies. I'm shocked at some of the things in a lot of PG-13 movies. Also, you can always check out the content of movies on commonsensemedia.org for parent reviews.
Alexis
I would say that you have every right to know what movies/ TV will be shown to your children when they are in the hands of someone you are essentially paying to keep you children for a weekend. You probably have to go the extra mile of making sure that things are up to your standard by asking what will be involved. Regardless of whether you feel that it is the responsibility of the people running the event to ask you or inform you of the activities, the reality is that you have to do you due diligence as a parent and ask the questions if the info is not forthcoming.
With that all being said, my husband works in the TV/Movie industry and the rating scale is highly controversial and based on demographics and marketing and overall liability (and in my opinion largely outdated). I would pay less attention to the rating and more attention to the content of the films. At 12, and with an older sister, she is probably ready to handle PG-13 movies. I think it has to do with the maturity level of your child more than trusting that the movie rating board has done their job.
What kind of group is it and who runs it? How old are the other kids? If your daughter is on the younger end for the group, it's one thing. On the other hand if she's the oldest, it's another. Do you trust the leader's judgment?
Answers to those questions will let you know if you're over reacting. As kids get older, they are going to be seeing more and more of what is out there. After all, your daughter will be allowed to walk into a PG-13 movie alone in a few months. What is important is the values you teach her.
I am totally sympathetic to you. This happened to me once (in the context of a playdate). Since I really like the parent (and was surprised she was letting the 3rd grade kids see "Stomp the Yard" --it was her older child who had started to play it--I called her back and was super nice. I said "I know it's probably me, but I just don't let our son watch pg-13 films yet. Do you think you could have Jake stop the film until our son leaves? I know I am probably unusual in this but our son is very sensitive, and we have decided to follow the recommended guidelines for movie ages." If you are super nice and mention the "official guidelines" it will be clear that YOU are the correct and proper adult! Good luck. I also turn off TVs in doctors offices--my kids don't need to see all that news violence. A group that works against inappropriate screenings on airplanes is: http://www.kidsafefilms.org/ You will find lots of sympathetic souls there. Good luck!
Lori, you are not overeacting to this. As a teacher, whenever I want to show a PG movie (even Shrek!) I have to notify the parents and give them the right to refuse for their child. I still show the movie, but make other arrangements for the child whose parents refuse it. It is called PG for a reason and it is the parents' right to refuse. But,as you say, your daughter has already seen the movie and you would allow her. That is pretty much what happens with my situation, but at least the parents are notified so that they can be aware of what is happening. I would say that the leaders should give an itinerary to the parents of the whole weekend's activities and include any movies or videos that are being shown in the itinerary. You might be surprised about the reaction of the other parents.
When my children where younger, I did limit their access to certain types of materials but as they get older you have to contend with the world around them.
I live in the inner city. Facts are my kids have seen alot and experienced alot. My role as parent is to be open, honest and preemptive. I talk with them about the milestones they will face in life, the different types of peoples and situations they will come across.
I can't shelter them from every situation. Life won't. I want them to be prepared.
You can try bringing your concerns before the leadership of the youth group or even the pastor of the church. It is important there is an understanding of expectations and the limitations we put on our children. More important than any of this is your ability to communicate with your daughter. Teach her to keep an eye out for some of her peers that may not be at the age or stage of development to handle such sights. Perhaps she can help them, just like you have helped her.
If this is a church youth group, speak to the pastors/leaders in charge about your concern. They can then review the situation & decide wether to allow the trip leaders to show certain movies or not, as well as make sure parents are aware of what their children will be doing or watching while on a church sponsered trip or activity.
If it is a community group, you can still speak to the people in charge, but they may be more concerned with entertainment value rather than morality/subject or language issues.
Ron had excellent advice. Speak to whomever is in charge of the overall group ... there must be some guidelines. If this is not one of them then there needs to be something in place to assure that younger kids aren't being exposed to material they just can't process or is too mature for them.
I agree that parents should be informed as to what their kids may be watching, and that parents should inquire about it. You are not overreacting; most parents UNDERreact when it comes to what their kids are being exposed to regarding the media. I would mention it if I were in your situation.
Kids see so much - too much - in the tween years that we were never exposed to. I would be upset...
What if it had been a movie that you didn't want the kids to see?
In general, it's too bad that kids are being desensitized so early...Our media (overall) is out of control.
How about this:
I banned Arthur years ago...D.W. exposed my kids to the words "jerk", "idiot", "stupid", "shut-up" and much more...
It's not a show I allow them to watch!!! Then & now...
It starts too early with the shows they see (even) in preschool!