I was always taught that it was tacky for family members to throw showers. I'm 41, so I don't know if this is a generational thing or geographical location thing, or what, but friends throw showers, not MILs or sisters, or anyone else directly related to the bride or mother to be, etc. My showers, for instance, were done by close friends of my moms.
What were you taught was the proper etiquette?
I was taught that whoever wanted to throw the shower, did. I never have heard of family throwing showers being tacky.
"kids these days" don't follow proper ettiquette - where have you been? And on a practical basis the mom often is the one funding the cost of the shower even if the friends are "hosting" it. It is still tacky however, if the mom is doing everything...
Hi Julie,
I was raised in the south and within that background is was the duties of the bride's aunt(s) to take the lead on the shower. The brides' friends could also be involved but only in a supporting role and while the bride is obviously the center of attention the mother of the bride also had some special attention, a corsage or other small gift to differentiate her from the group. That was some time ago and I've been to many showers and planned many showers since then. As long as it's not the bride herself, I don't think there are any real hard and fast rules these days.
have fun, :-) Sharon
I was taught on the same lines as you were. There was a bridal shower, note I said A as in ONE, and there was A baby shower for a first time mom.
That said, I STILL did not have a wedding or baby shower because I think it is tacky registering for gifts and having expectations of gifts.
I feel like sending an invitation to a shower (as well as some MLM party -- Pampered Chef, graduation, etc) is like sending an invoice to someone.
I'm all for celebrating weddings, babies, graduations, etc but things now have changed so much that many people feel entitled to all the stuff. if someone wants to give me a gift, I want it to be from the heart and not because I sent an invoice asking for it.
ETA: I have a distant relative on FB who has 2 sons both of whom knocked up girls and now she has 2 grandsons about a year old. I was appalled that she announced that the 2 girls were having a joint wedding shower and invitations were sent out but it was open for anyone who wanted to come. She reposted this EVERY DAY until the shower. Talk about TACKY
We were taught that immediate family members should not host showers, especially bridal showers. When I got married, my husband's aunts and two nieces hosted my shower (with help from the bridesmaids). My mother and MIL had input on the guest list and food, but it was definitely not thrown by them in any way. When my sister got married, the bridal party hosted the shower and one of my mother's best friends offered us her home.
My baby shower was hosted by my best friend (but largely funded by my mom).
I am not in any way offended when I receive an invitation for a shower hosted by a relative. I am offended when I do not receive a thank you note!
My cousin and aunt (who are more like sister and mom to me) threw my showers (wedding and baby). With my second child (15 years after my first), my sister's were adults and threw the shower (they were 11 & 17 the first time).
My youngest sister's friends threw her bridal shower but our other sister and I threw the baby shower.
So in my experience and family, siblings and/or friends throw the showers.
I think whomever can afford it often does it. My MIL took a big part in my both my wedding and baby shower, and I appreciated it very much. Nor do I consider it tacky as my MIL has a lot of class ...
I honestly don't think there is "proper etiquette" when it comes to showers... (at least not in my eyes) if someone wants to throw a party for someone else, hey.. why not... It's the intention that counts.. As for what I was taught... My biological family has NEVER hosted a party for me... Maybe that is why I am appreciative to have a MIL who has.. :)
In our large, extended (Catholic) family the bridesmaids (friends and sisters) tend to throw the bridal showers/bachelorette parties and the moms and aunties usually host the baby showers.
I was taught the same as you - family members do not throw showers, it's considered greedy or self-serving.
LOL, the one with "sucker" stamped across her forehead! I've hosted two baby showers and will never, ever do it again. Between greedy friends and a momzilla whose shower cost a fortune (she doubled the anticipated guest list and changed it to being a meal), I've had it.
I don't think it matters anymore who hosts. Seriously, it's just the person who can tolerate the role from both a time and financial standpoint.
I believe that if you look in any etiquette book, it will agree that it is not "proper" for a woman's family to host a shower whether it be bridal or baby. That being said, not every situation fits into a neat little package with a pretty red bow. Sometimes, tradition or etiquette have to be sacrificed for people.
For example, I hosted the baby shower for my sister when she was pregnant with her first child 19 years ago. Why me? Because she was 20 years old, not married very long, had pretty much lost close contact with the girls she was friends in high school with which I also suspect would not have been able to afford to host a shower for her. So I, her older sister hosted a very small gathering at my house so that she could experience the joy of having her baby celebrated just like any other woman that has sorority sisters to spare who can throw her a shower. Was it tacky? I guess so reading some of the other responses. But, that's ok, we are all entitled to our opinions.
That being said, I think it's important to remember that etiquette was thought of and written by people (probably mostly women I suspect). It was their "opinions" about what seemed proper. Why should the opinions of a few be the blanket for all situations generation after generation. If we can evolve our thinking on the big things like marriage equality why do we have to be so uptight about shower hosts?
And believe me, I am a big etiquette proponent. I always make my boys remove their hats when we are eating in a restaurant and am teaching them at 7 years old to hold the door open for myself and their sister first. Just trying to make the point that some situations require us to deviate from the norm a little because in the end, people are more important. :-)
I think that's how it went back in the 70s/80s when I grew up. But since then, I've thrown my SIL a baby shower, my mom and my MIL threw me a a baby shower, my MIL threw my other SIL a baby shower, etc. My best friend did throw me a bridal shower, though.
These days I guess it seems like families handle showers vs. friends because frankly, they ARE expensive to host.
Hmm My mom did my wedding shower and baby shower? I did not realize that we were breaking etiquette.
I'm usually fairly prim & proper on etiquette matters, but I've never heard of
that rule. I think any shower that's sweet, simple, and low-key is the opposite of tacky. In my book, a "destination shower," a shower where people are overly directive in terms of gifts, or anything over the top can be tacky -- doesn't matter who throws it. If it's ... under the top ... it's fine.
I personally think that people blow this stuff way out of proportion. If the people who love the bride or mother to be want to throw her a shower, I say "YAY!"
For those who don't approve....don't attend.
My mom and my sisters threw my baby shower. It was a beautiful shower and everyone had a wonderful time. I always thought that was who threw your showers for you- family. A couple of years ago I threw a shower for a good friend of mine but her mom and sister had both died a few years before and she didn't have much family otherwise. So another friend and I decided to throw her a surprise shower. It was great- she was so happy. But she and I were really close friends.
I was taught as you were - that the bride's friends give the party. I believe that the reason for this standard is that a party given by a relative, particularly a close relative, sounds more like a pitch for presents than one given by a friend. Many people have not heard anything of this, however. I've had invitations to a bridal shower party given by the bride herself!
Yeah, I would not throw a shower for myself, but other than that, WHO CARES? I dont know why so many women get themselves all twisted up about who is "supposed" to do what; its all just another brand of judging each other. So, if someone invites you to a shower and you are offended because its the "wrong" person throwing said shower, you should consider that you just dont like the person enough to celebrate with them in this way and dont accept the invite. Because if you liked the person and genuinely were happy for their special occasion, you would not care who was throwing the actual shower.
I was taught it is never the immediate family.
No Mom, MIL, Sisters, SIL.. Grandmothers..
But Cousins, Aunts, friends, co workers.. this was fine.
But I think since times have changed and we do not all live close to each other all of the time, so maybe there are times when it makes sense to have these relatives host it.
I agree, if you feel it is not appropriate then do not attend.