What should I expect from Husband who is SAHD?

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1

My husband is a stay at home dad and has been for 5 years. He is going to school full-time (mostly online) and does some computer repair/website work occassionally from home (not often). He works outside of the home Sundays from 8-4 and attends a meeting Tuesday afternoons for 1-2 hours. He works because he wants to, not because he has to. I am supportive of this.

Our daughter is 5 and has Cystic Fibrosis. She goes to daycare on Tuesdays and school on Wednesday and Friday.

My question is, what should I expect my husband to do around the house since he is home all week while I am at work. Keep in mind that he has 2.5-3 days a week where our daughter is not home.

During the day, he will sometimes do a little picking up, such as picking up toys in the living room and running the dishwasher. But only if I email him asking him to do so (this is at his request so that he 'remembers' to do stuff). He does do her morning pills and 30 hour morning treatment.

I feel like I work 40 hours a week (at least) and then I go home and have to do everything. The minute I get in the door he disconnects and sits on the computer all night. He says he is doing homework, but the days he is home alone he says he is dong his homework too). And duh, I can see that he is posting on Facebook throughtout the day/night. So I know he is not spending 12 hours a day doing homework.

I do most of the cooking/cleaning. The nights he 'cooks' means he picks up something (such as Subway). I pay the bills, order our daughter's meds, schedule her doctor appointments, give her baths, do her evening treatments, I do the laundry, fold the laundry, and put out her clothes for the day.

I am at my wits end. I just need to know what is realistic to expect him to do as a SAHD. I know it is not an easy job, but am I worng to expect he get something accomplished?

To the women who are SAHM: Do you expect your husbands to do most of the chores when he gets home?

2

Sometimes they do not "get it"..

Create a chore list of things that need to be done daily and weekely. This way he can visibly see what needs to be done. That way everyone is on the same page.

Good Luck

3

Role reverse. If you were the one at home, what would your hubby expect for you to get done?

Have you considered having him create a schedule?
8a - breakfast
830 - morning treatment
9a - 10a clean living room
10a - noon - work on homework ...

4

In my opinion, the stay at home parent's job is to keep the house up. Especially if the child is not at home part of the time. If he can't do that and keep his homework up to date, he's not scheduling his day well.

My husband and I both work, so we share in the chores, but the times I was home, my 3 month maternity leave, the few months I was laid off, I did all of it, except for the dishes after dinner and vacuuming, which have both always been his jobs.

5

Get together and agree on who will do what and when. Then print it out, stick it on the fridge. I'm a SAHM but my husband does all our laundry and puts it away. Each of our kids has a daily chore, one takes out trash, one puts away dishes and one wipes down the bathroom. There is no reason he can't be doing more. Once its in black and white there should be no more arguements.

6

Not as much as you would do if you were a SAHM. Unfortunately, it is the way it is. Men are just wired so differently.

7

I remembered seeing that 'paycheck' a SAHM/D would receive if their responsibilities were paid out monetarily speaking and it sounds like your DH would be broke if that was the case!!!. Does he consider himself a SAHD or is that what YOU consider him to be? If I could take the roll of SAHM, I know the responsibilities include caring for children and keeping house. that is the job! He doesn't have to work as you stated so he clearly doesn't. You do all the chores so why should he? He is set up with a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. Doesn't have to work, wife does chores, no kids in my hair for a majority of the week......My husband works in a school system that affords him 6 weeks off in the summer and various weeks off throughout the school year. There is an expectation that I will have little if any chores to do during those times when I get home and he holds true to that. WE made that agreement. Maybe it is time to talk this over with him and gently remind him that you need to feel supported and helped and coming home to a second full time job of chores, bills, meds, etc. is tough and you could use the help.Afterall, you have supported this lifestyle he has, he could return the favor at the very least! Best of luck!

8

I would expect the SAHD to perform the same duties as the SAHM does. I would still split out the chores - no one wants to do EVERYTHING - but the majority of household duties would fall to the person with the most flexible schedule and availability. Its difficult if you try to manage his time however. I wouldn't like someone telling me when I have to do things. I would try to sit down and collectively make a list of what needs done in the house and decide who should do it. Sounds like he's a bit unfocused, but you cannot make him more productive. Try to phrase your concerns with 'I feel' instead of 'you don't'.

9

wow, i don't think you're wrong at all.
i think a come to jesus talk is in order. if this grown man is really too dim to look around and see what needs to be done on a daily basis, then i suppose you'll have to come up with a chore chart or a job jar or something.
but i'd be frustrated if i were you.
khairete
suz

10

I clean, wash, plan and prepare all meals, grocery shop, garden, paint, repair, vacuum, mop and get car maintained and repaired. Some days I do more, some less. H doesn't judge my work and I don't his. When kids were little, I did all baths and help with homework. He does the bills and lawn work. When we had our 2nd child, he started cleaning up after supper, not washing dishes but cleaning the table off and putting stuff up.

I have said it before, men make terrible wives! You need a monthly family meeting. You say, this isn't working for me. I am exhausted and resentful.
He needs to put a period not a comma at the end of his school work. It's done between this and this time. Probably while your child is at school, not at night. you will have to compromise on your expectations. You can not make him care. You can make him aware.

11

As the SAH adult, I am the household manager. This means I run our mini economy, take inventory of needs and wants, strategize to meet long and short term goals, etc. I am the cook, the cleaner, the financial planner, the stock girl. Hubby does the lawn trim and fixes things that break. I do everything else. He does cook on weekends. He also plays th the kids while I run errands and clean.

How about creating a master list of household management items, a fly lady type thing, and getting hubby on board for completing things off the list every day. Household management is a hard PM position that many people need to be taught.

12

My hubby is a stay at home dad Mon-Thur and works full time Fri-Sun. While at home with our 3.5 year old, he vacuums daily, cleans up the kitchen and does the dishes and usually works on a few loads of laundry (wash/dry/put in basket for me to put away). He is great about spot cleaning the sinks, making sure the stove and microwave is spotless, etc. But he does not do the bathrooms which is okay with me. For the most part, I come home to a clean house!! On the weekends I will focus on what else needs to be done (clothes, washing the bedding, bathrooms, etc).

He, too, decompresses on the computer. Usually from the time I get home until dinner time. Then he cleans up dinner (I usually cook but he will if I ask him to) while I help our daughter with homework. I do bath and bedtimes - mostly because I started doing it alone when he worked nights and I enjoy doing it. He'll often have his computer time while I do this as well.

I think you need to sit down with your hubby and ask him what he thinks he should be getting done while you are at work. Maybe he just expects it to all get done when you get home because that has been the status quo. Maybe he thinks you guys will get it done on the weekends.

13

its not easy to keep up with everything. I remember when my child was a baby and my husband would come home and ask what have you been doing all day. he had no idea. idk if i was just an uptight momma but watching shows like teen mom and tlc a baby story...it seems right up there with overwhelming work amount. while i take care of the house hold chores (trying to keep up with toy pickup) I actually mop clean the house once a week. You can talk to him about the amount of things he needs to be doing and understand it might take him a few years to finally get it under controll. As my kids are older its easier to take care of things. I am not changing a diaper, hand feeding, wiping hineys. I have more time to actualy get things done. Its alot of work. Have you ever taken a day off and had your husband gone while you try to get it all done? Can you actually get it all done? My husband did not understand my day until I went to the grocery store (two different ones) and was gone for a three hour stretch. He was calling me on the cell phone asking when I would be back home. ITs a lot of work. I would rather escape to a job then have to deal with being a mom//dad 24/7 cut him some slack and figure out exactly what his day is like. If indeed he is being a bum tell him to buck up. If your wrong about he amount he is dealing with your daughter then give him a special treat.

14

2.5-3 days per week free = all laundry, dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms cleaning should be able to be accomplished. (that's about 1 day work for me)

He should be offering to help you with meal planning too. (Take out and start dinner, then maybe you finish?)

Even with his school schedule he HAS time to get these things done in my opinion. You shouldn't have to carry the load. Time for a heart to heart and do it respectfully but firmly. Tell him YOU need more help. Just be honest and open and come up with a plan together. Hear him out and compromise!

Good luck!

15

I am a full time student and when I'm doing homework I take (short) breaks and will peruse facebook or whatever. With or without my breaks, I easily have 40 hrs of "work" per week between classes and school work. My husband works 30-50 hrs a week. We have the kids in school/daycare most days.

I do all the scheduling for and management of the home, but my husband chips in when asked (ex: can you call the doctors and get an appointment for Opal). We split the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. He is responsible for the vehicles and for outdoor/heavy lifting jobs. During the weeks I have midterms or am exhausted (I'm pregnant), my husband does more. When he's exhausted, I do more.

The girls (4 and 5) clean their room with my help, and help to set the dinner table/clear up. They have a few other chores they are responsible for. Recently I began a trade with my neighbor/friend, and I give her daughter violin lessons in exchange for housecleaning. This helps a lot.

Doing homework takes me a lot of time even though I have childcare most days. Also, it doesn't sound like the distribution of work in your home is even or fair.

16

Like anything, you need to sit down together and discuss your joint expectations. For example, my SAHD friend is expected to take care of house maintenance, the child, and have at least a load of dishes and load of laundry done. The house may not be 100% tidy but it shouldn't be insane, either.

I WAH, so I work, take care of DD, take care of all appointments regarding her and the pets or anybody that needs to come repair something in the house. I try to get a load of dishes and a load of laundry done. DH is our cook, so I clean up after dinner but don't usually make dinner unless it's just me and DD or DH is running late. I take DD to and from school and get her ready for school (including lunches, hair, dressing, breakfast, anything she needs for snack, show and tell or any other activity). When SD was home, I'd run her around as well.

So what you might do is look at all the things that need to be done at home, regardless of who does them. Then talk to him about who will do what and by when. And then let him do them his way. For me, DH and I used to argue about dinner dishes but we compromised. If I will hand wash the coffee pot and set it up, he will not complain if the dishes are still running when we go to bed. The issue for him was actually having coffee in the AM, not that I didn't do the dishes immediately after dinner. Lighbulb! So figure out what matters most and why and work through those things first.

There was a time that I wrote down everything - every potty break, every cat hair ball, every time the phone rang (and how many times it was DH himself), all appointments, how long I worked, what dishes I did, etc. because DH accused me of doing nothing. He needed to see what it was I was doing. Yeah, I'm on Mamapedia. It's my adult interaction and my reward for answering x number of customers. DH gets to work out at the office gym. I get to post on Mamapedia.

ETA: I also think you should both consider the "outside" work load. My sister takes online classes and says sometimes she wishes they were in a classroom classes so she wasn't distracted or had the teacher right there (teacher isn't always actively teaching) to ask questions. So even though he's not in a class room, it's not necessarily any easier. You work and so does he. So you need to share the house load.

17

I would expect him to do the laundry. It's easy to do in between other tasks.

I feel for you. My hubby and I both work but I do everything but take out the garbage. I was a SAHM for 2 years. Then I got a job and the SAHM part never went away - I still do it all. It SUCKS! I'd demand more from him. Make lists. Demand he cooks or at least chops veggies.

I have considered going on strike but I think he'd just never change his underwear!! :)

18

I would expect him to do the bulk of cooking and cleaning/laundry. I'm a SAHM and yes, sometimes I get behind or sometimes I don't do things even when I might have the time, but yeah, mostly I cook every night (sometimes I pick up food, but not even once a week) and my laundry is in order and not piling up.

I think I would start by choosing the one thing that bugs you most (for me I think it would be the cooking, I can't imagine coming home and then having to cook when he's been at home) and asking him to pay more attention to that.

19

I am a SAHM and I went to school and volunteered at my kids' school. I did pretty much everything. My husband did the kids' bathtime sometime (sitting in the bathroom reading while they played in the tub) and he cooks sometimes. Apart from that I do everything. I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway, repairs around the house - really everything. I consider this my job. I do have to say that sometimes even if I do run around all day I still am not able to do everything and the house looks messy or laundry piles up. He doesn't help with that but he also doesn't complain about it.

20

I am a SAHM, and I do everything around the house but pay the bills. When my babies were little, I stopped doing the bills - I did them before I was the Stay at Home Parent... but sleep deprivation was causing me to miss things, so he started taking that over, and has continued to do so out of habit mostly.

I do everything else. I cook, clean, shovel the driveway, mow the yard, clean the gutters, take kids to doctors appointments, make doctors appointments, do the laundry, etc.

My husband leaves in the morning by 7:30 - so I get the kids to school etc. He comes home around 5:45 or 6:15 (depending on the day). He travels regularly (like 35% of the time) so there are many weeks when he is gone M-W or T-TH. Some weeks he's gone M-F.

I expect my husband to help when he can and is able. He helps with laundry if I need it, or if I am out for a day and he's home. He helps with meals as needed, but cooking is not really his "thing". He helps with bath time and bedtime ALWAYS if he is home. I expect him to snowblow :) I expect him to help me get lightbulbs changed that need changing (he's tall - I'm short). I expect him to play with the kids so I can get some me time or other chores done.

I expect him to help me with big jobs. Like we are getting a new stove and this coming weekend we'll need to do some serious cleaning in the basement to make space for the guy to come and install the gasline. He will be in "charge" of this job. We'll do it together, but he'll take the lead. Big stuff we do together... but he often is the instigator or leader in these type of projects.

Hope that helps.