Hi. Ok, I'm only 20 and my son is only 7 months old. But my age might help in this. Also, I've had cousins in the same sort of situations with school and boyfriends. So here goes:
First of all, I think that they are wrong with the work thing, she's a minor and you should be able to have a say in that. Is there anyone above the store manager you could go to about the problem? Or could you tell her she can no longer work until her grades are up? Or that she can't go to her boyfriend's house unless her grades are up? I'm sure you've tried these things anyway. I think they make cell phones with tracking devices in them, although I'm not sure which providers have them, but you could check and at least if she didn't answer you'd know where she was and could go get her.
As for school, I'm pretty sure you can have cops escort her to school. Maybe if she gets embarrassed she'll decide she'd be better off just going than that happening. Or maybe if you send a cop to her boyfriend's house to get her, that will change something. Just the fact that she is 17 and he is 18 already equals trouble if a cop is going to come over.
You should tell her that if she wants to go to college, she should concentrate more on school and less on her boyfriend. I got pregnant my first year of college and had to drop out and it's really hard to go back when you have a baby to take care of. And that was with using birth control. Things do happen and she should know that.
Depending on where you live maybe you could ground her or tell her she can't go out and maybe even get rid of her car, but maybe you could have a cop drive by every 15 minutes or so and maybe that way if she sneaks out they'd see her do it and stop her? I'm not sure, but I think maybe it'd scare the boyfriend away if you had a cop showing up at his place to pick her up and take her home. She might be mad, but it'll be good for her.
Hope I helped at least a little.
I have a friend who's daughter went through something similar. They pulled her out of their local public school (too social) and put her into an alternative or a private school. She had to earn her way back to her public school if she wanted to. She's now in nursing school and doing well. I'd look into other options through your school district before deciding on the online option. Your daughter is trying to spread her wings and fly a littler earlier than you want her to. You do have some leverage with the car, the cell phone and possibly with paying for her college. Find out where she wants to go to school and what their entrance requirements are for grades or ACT scores. Then she has a goal to achieve - and it's her goal. Talk to the boyfriend and get him to agree that its in her best interest to continue with school and good grades - maybe he can help. Simply use the rule "while you live here, you need to follow our rules" and stick to it. Be open to changing some of the rules, discuss them and let her voice her opinions on some of them - giving her power to set them herself may go a long way. Let her know you love her no matter what, but you don't love some of the choices she makes. You want her to grow into a responsible young person and it's your job to ensure her safety and you want to help her get there the easy route (good grades and college) rather than the difficult route.
She sounds like she was sexually,personal or other wise abused.
Take it from me she will end up like someone i know into drugs and alcohol and sex if not now soon .
Get her help even if you have to comit her to a mental ward, teen boot camp or something.
And do call the cops and push to have her friends and secondary people like teachers, coaches etc checked out.
her boyfriend and parnets of his need checked out also.
Hurry and get the youngest child pre trouble help also and see if this child has a secret need for help.
Look for sexually abuse in a sitter or sorry to say parnet,grandparnet,uncle,aunt on done.
been there with a teen who is now a mom of two and children who is addicts I fostered kinda...donna
I am the mother of 3 young boys all under 6 so I don't have teenagers of my own. However, your daughters story sounds just like MINE! I was a straight A student. School came fairly easy for me. As I became old enough to get a job I became more devoted to working than to school. IE I would be legitimately ill and stay home from school sick but still manage to make it to work that evening. I don't think I missed as much school as your daughter from what it sounds though. I also got a boyfriend when I was 16 and by the time I was 17 (he was 18) I was doing everything I could to be with him. I snuck out on occasion although mostly I was just vague about where I was going when my parents asked. I did drink - very often - but never got into drugs. I was careful not to drink and drive. My parents took the don't ask/don't tell approach. I know (now) that they were very worried about me but they realized that if they pushed me more I would have rebelled and I believe they were right. If I were you, as hard as it must be, I would let her make her own mistakes. Tell her to call you if she ever needs a safe ride home. Let her be the adult she is longing to be. You don't have to support her financially. She works so she should buy her own phone/car/clothes. You've done all the prep work for her and given her a good foundation so let her make her own choices if she feels she is ready.
If it helps, I went on to graduate from college, married my high school boyfriend, and we have 3 beautiful children together and have been married for over 10 years.
Is there any way you can home school her and quit your job? I think she needs you full time...I've heard it said that teenagers need parents around more than toddlers do. It seems like she is crying out for tough love, and you making the sacrifice to be with her would prove your willing to do whatever it takes to get her back on track.
Hi Janet,
Hang in there! Our daughter went through this at age 15 & made it through okay. She just turned 18 last Sunday.
She did all that and then some! It was the crowd she was hanging around with. It was the internet. There were alot of tense moments between her dad & myself because we did a lot of disagreeing on discipline issues. But always be a mom rather than a friend first. Children at that age need a parent, they don't need a friend. Yes, they might hate you for taking something away or saying something or embarrassing them in front of their friends. That's called tough love and they'll appreciate it more when they are 25.
Yes, I did some things that embarrassed her. She's my responsibility until she turns 18.
We have an understanding with our kids. They can call us at any time, for any reason. If they are in trouble or what ever. They know that we won't judge them, we won't say, I told you so. We were that age too. It is such a tough time. Especially between Moms & daughters, it's the worst time!
I can share this: i got a mother's day card that brought me to tears last year from my daughter.
She apologized for putting me through so much and thanked me for being a mom to her.
Just stick to what your heart tells you.
And best wishes. Share with her that if she wants to go to college, she needs to step up her game. Our daughter was failing everything her junior year. It was the last quarter where she made all her credits up and started really applying herself. Her senior year her grades are good, but her attendance isn't. Her boyfriend lives a few blocks from the high school & he's home during the day. It will all work out.
Jill
Look into the child labor laws. I believe it is illegal to have a child, one under the age of 18, work past 9 or 9:30. Is she really working that late or going to her boyfriends after. Be firm, consequences, tough love. God bless I have a 17 year old, 19 year old and 20. We have been blessed not to have issues with them. Be firm and pray~ God will help and guide you in the path you should go~ tam
Talk with the school counselor/guidance counselor at the high school. Make an appt with the school psychologist too. Perhaps something else is going on in her life that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to a parent about.
I guess I'm old fashion - but none of my children even had a driver's license while in school and they all had part time jobs. No cell phones and they had to be in by 9pm on school nights and 11pm on weekends. Most of the time our house was the hang-out because they could stay up with their friends as long as they were at home.
Teen years are difficult for both parent and teenager. I am not a big supporter of home schooling. I work in the education field and I see day in and day out the lack of structure and education in many of the home school situations.
Please talk to your principal, guidance counselor, and school psychologist and I'm sure they can steer you and your daughter in the right direction that works best for you.
Blessings!
Deb
Janet, instead of addressing the discipline issue, I'd like to tackle managing the migraines. Weather, stress and lack of sleep are triggers, but so are lots of foods, including wheat and gluten, which is hard to give up; one can also temporarily eliminate all the "trigger" foods, then add them back one week at a time, to learn the cause of your migraine. Common culprits are MSG, cheese, yogurt, chocolate, caffeine, red wine, bananas, but the list is endless (even onions and potatoes, mushrooms, pickles, etc). Here's the list:
Potential trigger foods
Foods that can be Migraine triggers include:
--beans pickles chili peppers olives
--dried fruits avocados red plums bananas
--any fresh yeast product straight from the oven
--yeast breads pizza soft pretzels
--any preserved or processed meat bacon hot dogs sausage
--aged cheeses sour cream whole milk
--alcoholic beverages, especially red wine
-- chocolate
--caffeinated beverages
--anything with MSG
--artificial sweeteners
--vinegar
It can be frustrating to manage food triggers--esp in a restaurant or at parties. Most "Migraineurs" with food triggers find that only a few foods are a problem.
Good luck getting your daughter back on track. Love her, talk to her, find a good counselor --
Carol
Here's my experience with this sort of behavior...some kids will respond to positive influence - like rewards for good behaviors. Others seem to just want to manipulate - sounds like this one has it down & knows just how she intends to act. The cops won't do anything & neither will threats. Take away the cell phone & take away the car. The only thing that works with a kid who does not understand respect is that they have to learn they are not ENTITLED JUST BECAUSE THEY DEMAND. If she wants to be emancipated, let her be emancipated & find out just how easy it is to be adult when still acting like a little kid. That would be my only "threat", if I had this situation again. I do speak from experience & I have heard it all. You need to keep your spine intact & keep networking to keep your own values strong. I think Dad needs to get active & offer something to this daughter, too -- that is unless he wants her to be with the 18-yr. old boy, who obviously is not the answer to your problems with her. If she does not answer & does not think school is her most important priority for her life work at this time -- challenge her to make the plan. Usually, if pressed to create her own rules, she'll find what works with her. A battleground of cat-&-mouse (trying to check on her) is a losing proposition for both of you. The type of personality that insists on their own way will spare no expense to get it, typically. If she wants no rules, tell her there's no roof to shelter that at your home -- if you need compliance, then insist upon it. You're the parent.
About the on-line school - I do not see that as a strong alternative. She obviously is lazy and does not want to follow the protocol to achieve grades. In school one can take accelerated classes & get through most of their basic course work for the first two years of college, while still in high school. However, they have to be in school, first. They have to be willing to work hard and follow the curriculum, making headway by using their time wisely. I have a niece 2 & 1/2 years out of high school who just graduated college (or will, next month). She has applied her energies to doing what it takes. I do not know your daughter, and have taken big liberties here, but I believe permissiveness in these matters breeds more problems. The girl needs to start producing if she is to succeed as a college student. They don't make excuses or take care of you if you can't make the grade. (The migraines are an excuse & they have worked very much to enable the boyfriend & her to carry on their little secret meetings. It is so obvious, with the grades slipping, etc.) Parents - put down the foot.
I see this more and more. I always have to ask what her relationship is between her and her dad. Girls that have a tight healthy relationship with dad typically are'nt so willing to run with the boyfriend. Tried counseling? Could be some underlying issues she's not communicating with you about.
It sounds like the boundaries in your house have completely fallen apart.
You have to remember that you are the parent, and what you says goes, no matter what. You need to make sure that you work quickly to help resolve this, because very soon she will be 18, and then she can technically do whatever she wants.
If you are concerned about the hours that she is working, tell her that she is no longer allowed to work those hours, since it is interfering with her shool work. If she protests and says that she needs the money, then tell her it is her responsibility to find another job that has better hours.
I'm not sure what the financial situation is between her and you, but do not get sucked into paying for things that she was normally paying for because "you made her quit."
If she is lying about where she is going and staying out all night, do not allow her to leave. Turn off her cell phone and take away the car keys. I know it may be tempting to say, "well, at least if she has the cell phone, I can reach her," but if she isn't answering it anyway, whats the point!
If she is sneaking out, get an alarm and don't tell the kids the code.
If you work or aren't able to be at home when she gets home from school, and are concerned about her behaving, hire a babysitter. I know that sounds harsh, but if she wants to act like a child, then treat her like one.
Whatever rules you come up with, the important thing to remember is that it doesn't help her or you if you don't enforce them. All she is doing right now is testing the limits and seeing just how much she can get away with, and it sounds like she is getting away with a lot.
You don't want her to turn 18 and really be able to do whatever she wants.
If you do run into that situation where she turns 18 and isn't listening, remember that even though she is an adult, if she lives in your house, she needs to respect your rules.
I know that all of this sounds hard and will be harder to enforce, but just remember, change is usually not pleasant, but in the end, you will be better off and so will she.
I hope that this helps and that you are able to turn the situation around.
Janet,
I feel for ya! I was that 17 year old... I had a 4.0 in high school and when I was 17 I was raped by a co-worker. I didn't tell anyone b/c I didn't think anyone would believe me. I blamed myself for putting myself in the situation. I started skipping school, drinking, dating guys 21 and older, rebelling. My mom didn't really care to figure out what the problem was but just grounded me, took my car keys away, my cell phone(even though I paid for it), etc. When I would leave, she WOULD call the cops on me. Don't just threaten your daughter. If you say you'll call the police if she sneaks out, do it! You won't be credible if you don't follow through. She is trying to blackmail you by telling you if you take her stuff away, she doesn't have to listen to you. She just hopes that this way she'll scare you into not doing it. You need to be the parent and make sure your husband is involved. I ended up dropping out of high school and college (I was doing post secondary education). I moved out when I was 18. Had a baby when I was 20. Went to college and graduated last year! My mom and I talk EVERY SINGLE day and live only a block away from each other. I hated her when I was 17, but now we have the best relationship ever. Don't give up on your daughter but make sure you enforce things before it's too late. Good luck!!
Why are you letting a 17 year old 'boss' you and manipulate you? You are the parent, she is the kid. You can take away her privileges: driving YOUR car, the cellphone. She is not earning the right to have them. Since she chooses to work those terrible hours when she is supposed to be in school and that is her source of money (independence in her eyes), I guess that is her problem since she won't have a car to use. Her boyfriend can get her to and from work, right? Don't continually do her favors, expecting her to follow through. Right now, if it is not her idea, it is not a good idea and she isn't going to do it. If you feel that it is her right to upset your life and make you miserable that is your problem and you are more that welcome to accept that. If she feels that she doesn't have to 'obey' you, you also don't have to 'obey' her. You need to come to terms with yourself so that she can see that you are worth listening to. She is still a kid and she needs a role model. Since you are providing for her needs, she needs to do things for you and if she is not willing to do that, you really don't need to do for her. It's a bit of 'tough love' but it works, it can sometimes be hard to do, but your daughter is worth it. Good luck.
I too am a mom of a 17year old.... I can tell you this is no fun :) My best advice came from my older sister who has two grown daughters: She says if they live in your house they must follow your rules.... If she doesnt then she can live else where. I may have not agreed with this a few years ago when she was going through it with her oldest but after cutting off cell and taking away her car, and when she didnt come home changed locks....
It didnt take long for her daughter to learn she had it pretty good and that following a few rules wasnt going to kill her.
Her daugher is a well adjusted adult now and says that her mom did the right thing as hard as it was she learned a lot. Its called tough love...
Hope this helps!