Why am I angry with my adult daughter who is married and expecting her first child. They have very limited funds and I am always feeling like I need to help them with bills and food. They say they don't need it, but I feel guilty because my husband and I do very well.
We raised her to be self dependent, but here we are now.
How can I draw the iline with her and still help without feeling like we are making it possible for her to be depending on us?
.....so, she tells you not to help and you do anyway, and then you're mad at her about it?
They have said they don't need your help so I don't get where you have to draw a line. Seems like THEY need to draw a line since they've told you they don't need your help, yet you continue to insist on helping them.
Back off. If they need your help, they'll probably ask. They are trying to be independent but you are insisting on making them dependent.
My mom used to do that also. I finally told her that when I tell her about my problems, I am just asking for emotional support, NOT for her to fix my problems. I wanted to do that on my own. She finally backed off and guess what? I did just fine on my own. It was nice to know she was there if I needed her, but it was also really nice to know that I didn't need her.
Accept the fact that just because they aren't living up to YOUR Standard they are OK. Think back to when you both started your family - were you well off or were you like they are?
Hi Donna. By your post, I understand that you are giving them money even if they say they don't need it. I think your anger is misdirected. You can stop giving her money at any time and I think that it's best if you quit now so that you don't harm your relationship with your daughter by being angry at her for something that you are choosing to do.
If they said they don't need help, trust them and let them be adults.
If they DO need your help, they will ask.
I am not saying to be like "FINE!We will never help you again then!"
or anything,
just say "Ok, well, you know that if you DO need our help in the future, we will be there for you because we love you."
and stop giving them the money and food and hope for the best.
You have to have faith in them and the fact that you did a good job raising her, let go!
Good luck :)
Let me see if I understand this. She is married and expecting her first child. They wish to live within their means but you feel you need to help them with bills and food. They tell you they don't need it but you feel guilty because you have done well.
Do I have all that right?
Stop helping her!!! She doesn't want your help, she is not asking for your help! You are trying to make her dependent on you!
For god sake at least wait until she asks for help!!
It seems like you need to draw a line with yourself.
They say they don't need your help - so don't help them.
Keep gifts small.
Every time you feel an urge to give them some help (that is over the top) - stop - then secretly put a token amount into a college account for your grandchild.
That sort of help will be fine.
Two things: first of all they say they don't need your help, so if you are offering it anyways for whatever reason, it is not like they are "mooching" it off of you. My guess is that you daughter would rather not get anything from you, then you giving her things and being angry about it.
I don't think this has anything to do with what she is doing or not doing, but you seem to have some emotional issues with your relationship with your daughter. I don't think it is normal or healthy to feel guilted into helping out, even after you have been told that they are ok, and then being angry about it.
I would suggest that you address your issues, either by doing some serious reflection on your feelings or even better by seeking counseling.
Good luck.
You raised her to be self sufficient. She is but you are feeling disappointment because you wished so much for her (believe me I know). I would enjoy what you have worked hard for and made for yourselves. Do not be disappointed in her. She is simply not what you had planned in your head for her to be. She sounds like she gets along, lives a simpler life and will be asking if she needs it. We are of a generation where we worked hard and tried to inspire our children to be all they can be. And that is not always what WE want them to be. At the present this is all she can be and it sounds like it is satisfactory for her. Enjoy her first child, give present to the child, help if needed, be there for her. Love her, love her little family and relax. You aren't enjoying what you have done. You are allowed to enjoy your life now. She is living hers. Get to know your husband again!
She will ask for help when she needs it. When my hubby took his 65% paycut we didn't know what to do but we would do it. Hubby works a lot of hours at his jobs. I went back to work full time. My parents sent us $50 a week to help only with groceries for about 3 weeks. That helped and we managed. Then they stopped but we never depended on it, it was a nice gesture on my parents part. You can't give a drunk a drink as Dave Ramsey says. Hugs to you. They will be ok and you will be too.
Why are you mad at her? It doesn't sound like she is destitute or starving on the streets. It sounds like she has just not risen to your expectations...you say "We raised her to be self dependent, but here we are now".
She is telling you that she does not need the money. My husband's parents were always better off than we were. We never asked for anything. It was nice when they bought us the rare box of diapers when the kids were small.
Bottom line...don't give her any money if you are going to be angry about it.
Why are you blaming her? She is telling you, that she doesn't need it. YOU are "feeling like I need to help them with bills and food."
Back OFF. If they need help, they will ask. You should be angry at yourself, and your anger is unfairly misplaced.
My advice is to accept that they have a different standard of living than you do.
Let her know that if they need help, let you know.
Otherwise butt out!
Their finances are their business!
No need to get angry just because the live a simpler life.
If you must contribute, start a college fund for your grand baby.
Congratulations!
You feel angry.
You feel forced (to help).
You feel guilty (because you are well off and she is not).
You feel incapable (of drawing the line, or making her independent).
All of these can change but only you can change your feelings.
Seek a professional to help you change your actions, your feelings and find some peace and happiness. You deserve to be happy. I would imagine your daughter would be glad to have a happy mother more than all your money. This is poison to all your relationships.
So, you're rich & she's poor. She doesn't ask for help & in fact states she doesn't need it, but you press it on her anyways. And then YOU are mad at her.
Wow.
Your post makes you sound very emotionally manipulative.
Maybe you should tell her you want immediate repayment of everything you've given her? Or get yourself into therapy to figure out why you're mad at your daughter over your own behavior.
Are you angry or disappointed? Probably the latter and acknowledging that might help. So what if you help them financially. Times are tough. I partly keep working to help my kids if they need it. That is if they're working super hard and I can make it a bit easier on them. Lots of parents I know have gotten help from their parents. Is she hard working and honest and trying her best? If so, be proud!
If she is not asking for the help, stop acting like she is.
My mother used to do the same thing. It's a big no-confidence vote from a parent when they still treat you like a dependent. You might want to figure out why you feel compelled to buy them food or bills if they aren't asking directly for them. Even if you think they have a problem, this sort of relationship isn't healthy for them, or for you. This can really have a weird affect in your relationship with your grandchild too, if you are not allowing the parents to be adults.
Let them figure out their own situation. If and when they ask, you and your husband can figure out if you want to give them a gift, or a loan. You can still make them a nice gift for something for baby--say, buy the crib or a good stroller or carseat-- that's a common way for prospective grandparents to gift the kids and to honor the baby.
If you feel you need to do more than this, then maybe it's time to get some help from a counselor or trusted advisor/mentor on the matter. Maybe you are angry because you keep giving them things and yet you don't see their behavior changing, or maybe you don't want things to be so hard for them. I don't know.... However, if you are raising her to be self-dependent, your actions aren't sending this message.
You are getting some pretty negative replies.
I assume you are angy because you wanted more for her. You wanted to know she would be self sufficient - not just today - but when you are gone. And you don't know that she will be. Now she is having a child - and you don't know that she will be able to provide for that child the way you provided for her. And you feel guilty. I would too. However - it is her life now and she gets to decide how to live it.
I would set up a (secret) college fund for the child. Someday he/she may need it.