Role of Extended Family

Hi ladies!
I need your thoughts. My husband and I are first-time parents and plan on taking our 10 month old son to get his first pumpkin this weekend. My husband and I are SUPER BIG about holidays (pumpkins, christmas tree,etc..) in fact, I feel like a big kid during the holidays. However, he wants to include his parents in this weekend's activity. He feels that we are one big happy family. And, while I feel that we are one big happy family too with grandparents, aunts/uncles. I feel that we have created our own little family and with that should start establishing traditions with our son and future children without extended family. And, one of the traditions is getting pumpkins. I do include my in-laws and parents with a lot of things but again, we have our own family that I want to nuture. This has created such conflict between us because he feels his parents should be included in things like this.

I would appreciate your thoughts on this! Am, I being too selfish?

First of all, I do not think you are being selfish. This type of issue is something I am continuously struggling with. I constantly remind myself how much I valued my memories with my only Grandma & how I wished I had my more Grandparents in my life (my other Grandparents passed away either before I was born or while I was quite young) You need to pick & choose your battles and make compromises. While Halloween is a special holiday, Thanksgiving & Christmas are coming as well & you may want to bend a little now in order to be more rigid for things for those holidays. Perhaps you could do the pumpkin patch yourselves but invite them over for dinner that evening where you can all decorate the pumpkins & roast the seeds. Or perhaps you can invite them to go along to the pumpkin patch, but insist that your husband & you take him trick-or-treating alone.

Good luck finding a happy middle ground!

Hi Monica,

I don't know that you are being selfish really, I don't think so. At the risk of sounding snarky, though, I wish I had your problems. I finally found the love of my life and we've just had a gorgeous daughter but we are very much alone when it comes to being able to share that joy and holidays really seem to drive that feeling home for us. He lost his mom and I lost my father around the same time, our remaining parents seemed to deal with the grief in similar ways by moving far away and finding new companions. I am an only child, he has a sister he speaks to on the phone and we see once or twice a year, he has a brother neither of us enjoy being around much because of his drinking problems. The closest I come to my mother is an LD phone call which I am extremely grateful for and I often find myself overcome with worry that I will lose her too.

If you have extended family and they are worth knowing, you might consider that, god forbid of course, one of them might not be here for next Halloween. I only say this because these are the regrets I have for the little extended family I had that is just not around anymore. I don't even mean just that they could not make it...sometimes other thinks can contribute to family not being available to you anymore.

Now if there are other issues, I fully understand that you need to protect you child's best interests. But even as a first time parent I have to admit that I was a bit hasty in some of my decisions to not include extended family bacause I wanted to create a new "atmosphere".. In the end, family and friends is all that we have. As my older children grew up I found I leaned more and more heavily on the wisdom and tradition that beautifully shaped our family's growth and development until suddenly I didn't have that anymore. I wish I had time to recount every time I realized the influence or impact my In-laws or my mother had on my daughter...and me as a parent because they made me one hundred percent better, even if I didn't realize it at the time.

I seriously DON"T think you are being too selfish, I do however think you might not be aware of how lucky you and you core family are to be in the midst of such a rich heritage. Maybe you could decide on some new traditions and invite the others to come to share it. This way you could still feel though you are settign a new atmosphere while incorporating the elders.

Best of luck sister,

Tiffany

i know how you feel. my husband and i wanted to buy our daughter special ornament every year for xmas and his parents went without asking and bought her some. im still angry over that because that was something my husband and i told them that we would do and not anyone else. but at 10 months your son isnt really going to know any different. i think maybe you and your husband should take your son on a day they arent available on like durring the week. then include them on a different day. my husband and i dont include either side of the family when we do little things like that only because his mom is just a big distraction and wants our daughter to herself. talk to your husband and agree on something. i hope this helps.

It is a tough call... my suggestion is for you let them come to get pumpkins but you have a family day carving them, maybe do some crafts around it, something special treat wise while you work on your pumpkins, etc. Make your own special day on another day. It can be fun and special and all your own...and something they can look forward to every year. Your inlaws may not always be there, every year, and I am sure your little one (s) will enjoy having family around them to share in that day. We live far away from our family and my kids would just die to have our families to share special moments with. I would give on the one thing and make another all your own.

Extended family is wonderful for anyone to have and to enjoy on special days. However, if you want to create a family tradition (with just your immediate family) I would suggest selecting one or two holidays during the year(Christmas Eve for instance) to do that with. Please let your extended families know that this is important to you and tell them to please let you honor this wish. If they can plan ahead (without you) for those events then you will probably be more successful getting their blessings. Plus if they know the plan (a couple of independent holidays a year) it's more likely not going to interfere in your relationships with them.

Hi Monica,
Expectations about how the future will play itself out potentially invites anxiety into your life with the hope of controlling outcomes. If you haven't noticed already, very few of our plans turn out like we imagined them completely. I'm taking a wild guess here, but do your in-laws present a threat to you? Are they over bonded with your husband and tend to control most situations they are involved in? It sounds like there are deeper issues that are being masked by this power struggle.

Good luck,
Wendy

The answer to me is simple, is too much love projected toward your son something to deny him of? My son literally goes through growth spurts when surrounded by family and people who love him. Why exclude your family?? Do you feel that your not getting fulfilled yourself? If that's the case,spend some one on one time with hubby, and stop arguing : ) life is too short. Hope it helps.

The more the merrier! And as your child gets more mobile, you will appreciate having more people around during the holidays so you can relax too!

Also, maybe you can take your son to a different pumpkin patch another day for your own special tradition with him.

Okay, this is personal experience. My mother is only 16 years older than I. She is ready to be a mom NOW,so she really does "mother" my children. I always wanted the BIG family thing with lots of traditions, although it does not stop. She insists on doing it ALL the time. It is very frustrating. We can not do much with out her being involved or being hurt by not being involved. I love having her there, the kids LOVE it. But once in a while would be nice to do something with a holiday that did not include her. My big issue is she is a type A personality and CONTROLS everything!! Which does not always allow for a "family" thing. So with this being said, I understand where you are coming from. If they do not tell you what to do, where to do it and how to do it, then embrace it. These are times your child(ren) will cherish forever, and remember and pass down. One day your son will have children and think of what it will be like to stand on the side lines to watch your grandchildren enjoy their "wows" and "wonders" of the world.
I personally do not think you are being selfish, just pick and choose our battles, this has all just begun. I know there are things that are important, give the first year up, and when you have cycled through all the holidays (make notes) at the end, decide what you really want to do alone, talk it over with your husband and make adjustments next year. The first year is fun, but he is too little to really enjoy it all and be to involved. This year is just for the 1sts. Good luck with what ever you do.

We are in the same boat Monica and my husband and I just had to go through this conversation late this summer and I was also asking myself the same things. I also very much enjoy the company of my in-laws. It is helpful that my husband and I are aware of his personality trait to run a three ring circus and invite everyone to everything.

Explain to your husband that you really love and enjoy his parents, but that you are craving intimate time with just your little immediate family. Tell him its not that you want to exclude, but dynamics and interactions are different in a group and you need to plan outings for just the three of you in addition to big family events. The key is make sure he knows you like his parents and enjoy spending time with them. The positive spin on this is that you are craving intimacy with him and bonding with your little family. Don't uninvited them if they have been invited. Give your husband some time to mentally prepare to meet your needs by saying next outing you need it to be just the three of you.

I got very little resistance on this issue from my husband much to my surprise. I do think that taking personality tests and reading each others personality profile has been helpful in our marriage because he knows his tendency to have lots of people around is at times overwhelming and exhausting for me.

I have been there and am still there and totally agree with you.

This is his first trip and in my opinion it should be with mom and dad (or other partners).

But it helps to have options to give them. Maybe they could come by after when you guys are going to decorate or carve the pumpkins to see him play with the goo inside or something similar.

Just wait until christmas comes around. That was the hardest for us.

This may be awful of me, but consider having them along, then making them take all the pictures and video of just you, your husband and the baby. In a way, it would be like your own family tradition (at least in the photo albums!), plus the grandparents get stuck listening to your directions for pictures & video shots. If they start to complain, then you VERY SWEETLY tell them how important it is for you to get all of these memories on film and that you promise just a little bit longer and you won't ask them to do it again next year (which of course could mean you won't invite them next year at all...). If they want to get in on the action and want you or your husband to take pictures of the baby with THEM, you can either take 1 picture then get super excited about something, hand the camera off again and start directing for your own pictures, or "not hear" their request over the excitement of the pumpking patch.

Have fun!

It's passive-agressive, I know, but that's what I would do.

Put the decision off on him: Explain that you want them involved but you also want fam time. Make him choose what traditions are going to be everybody and which ones are going to be just you guys. There are sometimes traditions that are more important to the extended family and others that are less and he gets to choose.

Write it down in a journal or blog or something so next year he can't change his mind.
Making it his responsibility stops the argument, unless he enjoys arguing with himself.:)
Good Luck.

I understand completely, and only you know what the answer is. But, I will tell you this, whatever you do now will set the precedence for every holiday from here on out. And if you are not happy with the decision now, you will just resent it more and more each time. So make sure you think it thru and accept the decision wholeheartedly.
My parents were BIG on Christmas. After I got married, my dad would call me at 5am and say "Santa's been, hurry over" and of course we did. But, when the kids came, I put my foot down and said "Santa comes to my house". And, then we called them at 5am and said "Santa's been, hurry over". LOL

Good luck!

Miss Monica~
Let me begin by saying no you are not selfish. It is understandable that you want to start traditions with your imidate family. With that said you don't want to offend your extended family or your husban for that matter. Here is my solution: Make two trips to the pumpkin patch, or other location you were planning. Make the second trip for the extended family, maybe even bake some pies, or toast the seeds with the extra pumpkins = ) here is a list of local pumpkin patches;
http://www.faulknerfarmpumpkinpatch.com/
http://www.pumpkinpatchesandmore.org/CApla.php
http://www.petespumpkinpatch.com/
Hope eveything turns out great!

Hi Monica, You are sounding abit selfish on the pumpkin adventure. If you ask them to come they could take the photos for the christmas card! Believe me, you can share a fun day like getting a pumpkin. or they can go with your baby themselves on another day. Your baby is 10 months, won't remember anything about it.
It's a give and take for a LONG time with family.
Are you sure the family wants to hang out with you all the time? I'm sure they have a life outside your plans.
Give love and be happy to do it!
Deb

Extended family is important, but it is also important for you to do things as a nuclear family.

Maybe say "no" to the pumpkin patch but then have them over for pumpkin carving another day? It sounds like you all get along well, and you want to maintain good relations, but boundaries are still important. Remember sometimes compromising is the key. Good luck!

Honestly, I'd include the 'extended' family as well, though I personally don't see them as extended. I come from a family, similar to your husbands I suppose where it's all one big family. You can continue the tradition of pumpkin picking with them as well. Think of the blessed memories it will create for you children.

I understand your point of view. I am also a new mom and my husband and i are both new at this whole thing. His family likes to do things together too. You are going to be having many family traditions and adventures and plenty of opportunities to create new ones. But INCLUDE the family whenever they want to join in. They will not be here forever and the memories you will get to share with everyone are priceless.

We only had one Halloween with my mom-in-law and my son. we all went together to the pumpkin patch, took pictures and now i can show my son that he at least got one Halloween with his Grandma who loved him so very much.

its not a bad thing that they want to be a part of your life.

all our best wishes, maria