My 25 year old daughter seems to have gone through a change in the last year. We have always gotten along well and been very close. She does have a history of big temper outbursts , but they only pop up every few years. They can be really big and her problems are often over dramatized with her as the lone hero. But otherwise she is a caring, hard working young woman, who I adore!.
In fact I would say she is stressed by her demanding job and trying to support her family. Her long time boyfriend stays home with the baby while she works. Nearly a year ago, she started to be really cranky around me and voiced an irritation about everything I do. Saying "Normally, I can tollerate you Mother, but with everything going on in my life, I just cant deal with you right now."
I tried to back off and give her some space.I tried to make any changes I could that might make her happy.I tried to listen and be senitive to what she was saying. But things didnt get any better. She contined to complain about the things I had already responded too. "Don call me to ask what time I will be arriveing at your house."I had stopped calling at all! "You come to my house and take over"..Odd when I dont stay at her house and only a nearby hotel..and she bombards me with phone calls from the moment I get there...She has me running with things she wants me to do!
At Christmas, she and her little family came to stay and was very demanding and rude. All my kids were struggeling fiannancially this year..so were we.She had borrowed a huge sum of money earlier in the year, which she never does. I suggested to all of them that rather than go overboard on gifts..that I could give each one nice gift and then a chunk of cash to pay bills with. Since they were all older now. She didnt want that, and in fact was very picky about what her gifts were to be. She was angry when I only put up a small Christmas tree with my grand daughter rather than the big grand one I used to put up when she was little. I have health issues and just cant do it anymore. I invited her and her man to put it up, But She didnt want to do that either. As a special gift I had a photo portrait made of her daughter and mounted on canvas. I was stunned when I saw a look of irritatiion on her face when she opened it. It was so beautiful. How could she be angry with that? She had a cow when I asked her to take her gifts up to her room that evening, (Like everyone else) and boycotted the rest of the day.And a million other events I wont take time to write out for you.
I asked for a moment to speak to her, hopeing to have a calm conversation with her and she went balistic. I never got to say a word. She said terilble things about me, her stepfather and his children, whom I thought she adored. She packed up and stormed out of the house and hasnt spoken to me since. I just ASKED to have a talk with her..nevr got to say a word other than I was concerned for her..
They live 600 miles away. She didint invite me to my granddaughters birthday that we normally travel to each year, Didnt contact me at Easter or even Mother's day.I sent gifts for my Grandaughter as I normally would, and a card for her on Mothers day.
I just dont know what to do. I have been keeping my distance trying to let her cool off.I am really not sure what is going on. I can't see what I could have done to merit being shut out of her life.I am crushed and heartbroken I have always been told I am an easygoing Mother and person. She always told me that I was an ahsome Mom and often brought her friends to me for support.She started to treat me like I was stupid and didint know anything.And now..suddenly she had removed me from her life. I just never dreamed this could happen between US!
I know it must sound like I am omitting something..that I might have done...but that is the mystery..It is true that I have been trying to establish some new boundries around my home for ALL the adult kids that come to be with us.But I feel they are reasonable.They dont seem to realise we are getting older and just cant do what we have always done.When they come to visit I just cant let them make big messes and walk off and leave them for us to clean up. We are trying to clean up our house for sale at some point. When all our kids lived here they were pretty hard on the house. We are painting, replacing floors and carpets.I need them to say fresh.I dont let them bring their little dogs to the house and have free run anymore. They ALL pee on the floor. Heck, I dont give myown dogs free run of the house.So they must be diapered or contained in a washable area. A rule for All three of my girls. This seemed to really make her mad.My Granddaughter needs to eat at the table rather than at the coffe table over the new rug. So those are my crimes. I just cant let her come to my house run the show, so to speak.And then be sharp touged and treat me lie a dummy as well. I dont do that at her home.
I just dont know what to think or do...I miss her..but surely my boundries are reasonable..in my own home...But heck..I dont really KNOW why she's mad in the first place...
Victoria, you are super angry too. Luckily, you have found an outlet.
Something obviously happened in her life (maybe she found out how hard it is to be a mom and she doesn't feel she can live up to your example, so she's lashing out? Maybe you are subconsciously doing things that make her feel like she's an idiot/not a good enough mom?) Maybe it's money or she resents her boyfriend or her own daughter and needs to talk to someone. There could be a lot of things going on that are under your radar because she's 600 miles away and seriously pissed off and you are an easy target for blame. So ride it out, because I firmly believe that once you are 18 you have to become responsible for your own choices and good parents have instilled critical thinking. Hopefully she's exploring her own issues.
My mom does stuff like that subconscious judgment crud, but we never have had a really good relationship like you and your daughter. It bugs me to no end. But I deal with it. When I was 25, I fought like mad with my mom (but I didn't have a little kid at the time.)
I have a theory that most people these days actually hit their stride towards independence from their parents during their mid-twenties, like a developmental stage (just the last few generations, since most generations had to grow up faster or die.) So maybe she's in the middle of it right now? It would be pretty tough to suddenly realize all the responsibilities of life and reality with a tiny child. Especially being the breadwinner with a SAHD for a boyfriend (I just did that for 2 years by the way, and now that he's finally working again and our daughter is potty trained and in school, I am finally breathing normally again.)
So, just keep sending the cards, the gifts you feel like sending and make your rules in your own home how you want them. Either she will become adult enough to respect you, or she will cut her ties altogether and become whoever she is destined to become without you. Hope for the best, and try not to be too angry. Obviously you did a great job with her, and she will probably come round sooner than later.
Victoria,
In reading what you wrote, it sounds like maybe she has some depression, and did not get help for it, but chose to ignore it instead. Unfortuneatly it can manifest itself as anger instead. Maybe things in her life are not what she is portraying them as. Maybe she wishes she could be the stay at home mom we all want to be, but can not afford to be. I would go to a book store, and pick up some small books with sayings, or some of those inpirational cards, you know the little ones that are the size of a credit card, and send them to her periodically, maybe something will finally hit home. She will not admitt to anything until she hits the bottom, it is very hard to convince someone they are depressed. For me it was the inability to stop crying for several days. (even in my sleep). I knew then I had to get help. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope this helped in some way.
Wendi
My heart really aches for you. It really pull your heart strings and just wonder what in the world.
You have to realize you can't control her. Continue with your boundaries that you have set. Also, hard as it might be, continue loving her. If all else fails, just send her a a card to let her know you are thinking of her or write her a letter stating your feelings and see if you can mend this relationship. Last resort, pray about it. You will be in my prayers.
Hi Victoria;
I am so sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your adult daughter. I myself am an adult daughter (29 years old) also with a baby. I admit to being moody and cranky with my own mother too at times, but not nearly as severe as the behavior you describe. I can only speak from my own perspective, but sometimes I feel that I can be this way with my mother because she is perhaps the only human being in the world who will have unconditional love and forgiveness for me, no matter what. I can "vent" without worrying whether or not she will still love me or still be around once the venting is over. This makes her an easy outlet for when I am feeling stressed or frustrated, so I try to make a conscious effort to not do that to her. Perhaps this is why your daughter behaves the way she does. She may feel stressed about having a baby, working full time, and having a man who she must support financially, and you may be the only person whom she feels will put up with her venting. Of course this behavior is not right, but this may be the reason. you say she has severe mood swings every few years. Does bi-polar or depression run in your family? have you noticed any other behaviors (like drug or alcohol use) that coincide with the timing of these outbursts? these may be other things to consider.
Hello Victoria, I almost want to say I need to hear your daughter's side. But assuming you haven't left anything out, I would just say if you felt you have done all you can do, then just let it go. I am 54 years old with a Mom. I see too many adults who behave like 2 year olds. They don't know how to fight maturely. They don't know how to say their piece and then let it go. Bottom line, their communications skills are zip and their conflict resolution skills a big fat zero. At this point in your life, try to enjoy people who bring you joy. Obviously, your daughter is not of those kinds of people right now. Denise
Something is missing here I think - you do seem to have a lot of rules - the only thing I can say is to make sure your granddaughter is more important than your immaculate house - - - or is it possible your daughter wants/needs the house for her little family and is afraid to ask?
Do you really condone her living out of wedlock? Is that how you raised her? Perhaps she is wanting you to say something to the Boyfriend and you are just pretending everything is all okay....
Victoria, I believe you do know why your daughter was mad. You listed all of the reasons. I imagine she has always been somewhat dramatic, and now that your daughter does seem to be under a lot of stress, you're on the receiving end. I imagine she was hoping she could relax a little when she came to your home, which is not to say when in your home she doesn't have to respect your home. I think you are right to let her cool off.
Continue to send out cards, letters and emails that don't require a response, but give the message that you care. When she is ready to visit, maybe you should go to her. That way you could stay at a motel whenever you needed a break from one another.
You could have been writing the story of my life with my youngest daughter. All I can say to you is that after 32 years I have allowed myself the luxury of letting go. I cannot make her be the loving daughter I wish she were. I cannot fix everything that is wrong in her life. Even though I look at her and see the beautiful loving child that she once was, the fact is that she is now an adult and is how she is. My job is to take care of me and be responsive if she contacts me - be responsive, not give her whatever she wants! I also send cards on special occasions and a gift at Christmas. I email her from time to time but, in general, I let be what is. I cannot change it and I have already shed buckets of tears. They changed nothing. So now, I just let it go. Way easier said than done and it has taken me a lot of years to get to this place but it sure is better than expecting her to be someone she is not and feeling hurt everytime she snubs me or is rude to me. Good luck handling this. Enjoy your other children and grandchildren. You are lucky to have them.
I can somewhat relate to your problems because all of a sudden my daughter who is in her 30s, decided she wanted nothing to do with me anymore... this was 4 years ago. If I do need to talk to her, she is quite rude to me, so I just have totally backed off, which is probably what you need to do. If you allow this to really get to you, the stress will kill you... it almost did it to me. I would say just give her her space. If she is in your home you need to inforce your rules.
Maybe for her it is a lot of things... maybe she is upset that she supports her family while the boyfriend stays home with the baby... maybe she is on drugs which alters the personality... maybe you are not the problem... maybe you are the one she is taking it out on. Or maybe her boyfriend is controlling her (there is this silent control) and this is her reaction to it.
I would say call her now and again, keep the conversation light and see where it goes from there.
I just wanted to say that I am SO SORRY your daughter is treating you this way! My suggestion is to let her know how you feel (letter or email) and then let go of any expectations of her to apologize. Do all the things you would normally do as far as sending gifts for your grandchildren etc. You can't control her reaction, but you can control how you react. I hope things work out for you- just know that you didn't do anything wrong- it sounds like she has much deeper issues than you and she is using you as a dumping ground for her frustrations and problems. Take good care of your self and let go of the rest.
I have gone through some things that I could not understand or change or control with my family and friends over the years and I have found that, once you honestly confront yourself about what you have caused or contributed to the problem,all you can do is turn the problem over to GOD and let HIM handle it. The problem, in these circumstances,is usually a personal problem for the other person that you don't know about. You can't solve somebody elses personal problems only they can so get rid of unwarranted guilt.You will feel better when you realize that you have done all you can do and the ball is now in their court but you still love them no matter what.
You have all my empathy! My wonderful daughter now 33 has treated me the same since she was in her late teens and all the way through college until now. It's much better now but every now and then she really verbally abuses me. We gave this girl everything from horses to trips to Europe and a lot in between.
She has always been an over achiever and they tend to be a perfectionist which is no excuse to be nasty to ones mother. I believe (from therapy) that she is transferring her anger to you because you are a safe person--she knows you will always love her no matter what and for some reason she can be nasty to you when she can't be nasty to anyone else.
That being said, you DO NOT have to tolerate it and the only way you can get this across to her is to tell her so. It's always good to see if you can persuade her to find out what's really bothering her and if possible to get professional help.
However, in the meantime you may have to confront her and tell her you will no longer tolerate her talking to you like that(if for no other reason than you are her mother and you WILL NOT allow it anymore). Then the hard part! You have to withdraw and let her then come to you--if she ever even raises her voice to you tell her firmly you will not allow it and when she's in a better mood or can be more courteous you will talk to her. If it's on the phone then hang-up. If it's at your house and she becomes abusive invite her to leave immediately (help her pack up), telling her when she can treat you with respect she will be welcome.
Recently after flying to my daughter's house to help her find a stove (which I paid for)and after having a very nice dinner, we were sitting on the couch and she just started in on telling me all the things I had done wrong and continued to do wrong. I tried to talk to her about some of the issues but she was having none of it and just kept getting worse. I was there without a car but if I had had one I would have packed my bag and headed for a hotel. If it should ever happen again I will pack up, take a cab and do the same thing. I actually think she finally broke the "camel's back."
This has helped me redefine my relationship with her and some things that really need changing I have instituted. Her father is in complete agreement and we are standing firm!
Hope this helps. Firstly to know you are not out there alone and secondly to decide on a plan for yourself. If necessary sit down and write out what you expect with regard to behavior and respect from her and then (God Bless You) STAND FIRM.
If nothing else happens she will learn that you will not tolerate that behavior from her (even if she threatens to keep you from seeing your grandchild).
i think it is time you stop accommodating her and start drawing boundaries for yourself... she needs to stop being so emotionally abusive... you seem to have checked in with yourself as far as what you are responsible for but you aren't really holding her responsible for her poor behavior... best of luck... i think it may be time to stand up to her and tell her to cut the crap.
There's a really great book by Deborah Tannen called "You're Wearing That?" It talks about communication between mothers and daughters. It might be helpful for both of you to read.
Victoria,
I am so sorry that you are going through this with your daughter. It sounds a little like the relationship my Mother and I had when I was her age. I was mean and rude and pushed her away for no reason on her part. I am the youngest of 3 daughters (now 36) and my Mom was/is a single Mom for over 35 years now. For me, our relationship problems were due to lack of maturity on my part and "what's going on in my life" at the time. I was doing a lot of drugs but my Mom was unaware of this being the reason behind my behavior. My sisters had an idea of what was going on and they, ultimately, helped me get help. I'm not saying that your daughter's problem is b/c she is doing drugs, I just think that you might want to talk to your other daughters and see if they can help w/ some missing information. And if you can, maybe talk to the boyfriend and see if there's something going on there. Also, I would write a letter to her telling her how you feel. Words are so much more powerful when in print and she can't cut you off or blow up at you. She may not read it, but at least you can communicate your concerns fully and hopefully, she'll read it someday. I don't know if any of this helps but I really wanted to share from the perspective of a daughter who has pushed her own Mother away and now has a wonderful relationship with her (after lots of work). It sounds like you have been a wonderful, supportive parent, and that's the best you can do for her!
Take care,
Julie
well just a thought or two. I have seen my brother think some of the things you are hearing from your daughter to my mom and happened after he got older. I think in my opinion with him his life sucks and he isnt happy and even a little depressed and instead of taking responsibility for his life decisions it is easy to blame my mom for everything bad. My guess is your daughter isnt happy in her own life and miserable and sees you happy and will do anything to make your life hell and miserable too. all these years she knows how to push your buttons. Thje only thing i can suggest is to write her a long letter expressing your sadness and loss you are feeling and let her go to do her things....keep sending your grandaughter things letting her know you are here for her but step back from your daughter. and if she comes around and asks for help and tries to be nice say no. she probably needs some help maybe counseling to deal with her anger and possible resentments which she might be feeling about her boy friend and not you.....hope you find some peace
Hello Victoria,
I don't honestly think you did anything wrong. It sounds like your daughter is severly unhappy, and she is projecting it onto you. She is so mad at you over such petty things. She comes to visit your home, she is rude, and treats you badly. She does'nt like the gifts you give her, and is irritated. She has no respect or self control. Her children have no discapline. The fact that you are in poor health, and your fixing up your house to sell it. She should understand. It sounds to me like your daughter is a spoiled brat, and immature. She does not care about you, and she takes you for granted. Everyone has fallen on hard financial times right now. You should write your daughter a letter. Because all she does is get angry, and scream in your face when you talk to her. Tell her you love her. But if she does'nt want to be part of your life you accept it.
that is really all you can do. Hopefully she will realise that it's not you that she is angry with it's herself. I should know I do the same thing to my husband sometimes. I hope this helps, keep the faith.
I am no expert, but it seems like your daughter has issues that don't have anything to do with you. She doesn't sound like a happy woman...If you start to compromise your ethics and your integrity to have her in your life you will be more miserable than you are without her. Be yourself, keep your ethics and integrity in tact and she will find herself. Or she won't and you can make your choices as time goes on. the situation may be temporary. She is young and not yet able to deal with all that comes along in life. Give her time. But in the meantime, hold your ground in terms of what you MUST have in your life and keep loving her even if it is from afar.
Hi Victoria, Your boundaries are indeed reasonable. She is obviously going through something and is afraid you will be able to detect what it is so she is being hard on you. It sounbds to me like she may be in an abusive relationship where she is being forced to alienate everyone from her life. I would write her letter telling her you don't appreciate the way she is treating you and that it won't be tolerated but that you love her and are there for her if she needs you. She only needs to ask. Explain to her that since you are getting older it is more difficult for you to hasndle the decorating and handling the big celebrations so perhaps she and her siblings can take over and ypou can come to their place.