Prom!!!

Growing up my parents did not pay for Prom or any related expenses. What should I do if my daughter is expecting us to pay for everything (dress, hair, limo, flowers, pictures, etc.). This is expensive for us and something we do not want to start a tradition of doing in our family. My teenager is very upset by this, especially since "all" her friend's parents are paying for this. I asked her to write a budget and she got annoyed that I would ask her to do that. Any ideas on what to do?

Linda ~

Does your daughter babysit? We have our 15 yr. old pay for things like this with her babysitting/Christmas/Birthday money. That includes movies & bowling w/friends, BD gifts for her friends, trips to the mall, etc.. Have you been paying for all the other stuff and just don't want to pay for Prom? If they know what's expected of them, they can prepare for it. Maybe she can do some extra work around the house to help pay for some of it. Prom is pretty special, especially if she's a Senior. Offer to take her to one of the nice consignment shops to look for a dress. My kids are accustomed to shopping thrift and consignment. I let them know it not only helps our budget, but is good for the environment to RECYCLE! The kids don't have to take a limo or eat at the most expensive restaurant. You can help her with her hair. It's spring outside - lot's of flowers blooming. There's lots of options - I'm sure you can make it work for her.

If she's not a Senior and wants to go next year, let het know she needs to start saving now. But, do try to work it out for her this year. This is a once a year event that most kids remember the rest of their lives.
Best Wishes!

~Karen

"All the other parents are doing it?" Makes me laugh. Of course not. We aren't. Our senior is paying his own way (although we've decided that if it comes up, we'll pitch in on a few things to ensure he's safe for the night, like the Post-Prom party tickets).

Hold to your values. My parents didn't shell out oodles of money, either. My mom paid for my dress. I went to Prom in my date's car and we ate with friends at a local Chinese restaurant. I think in some ways, Prom has gotten out of hand.

If she doesn't want to budget with you, she apparently doesn't really want your money. I'd tell her that if she wants help (not a blank check), she needs to sit down and discuss it with you, or she's on her own.

Hi Linda,
My parents had 3 daughters and a son that all attended at least 1 prom a piece. They NEVER rented a limo. If a group of friends went in on one, they helped us chip in our portion, but NEVER a limo for just us. If your daughter has a date, the date should buy the corsaige. If she is going with a group of friends, its a nice gesture for Dad to buy it. For hair, we all had parlor parties at the house and had friends do it. For the dress, who paid varied, depending on the cost. My mom's max contribution was $50, unless you could convince her otherwise. if you live near Potomac Mills, there is a store, Group USA that has GREAT prices on dresses, shoes, and accessories. The dresses usually range between $80 - $100 (and they have them year round). Sometimes you can find good deals in the clearance area near the dressing rooms. My sister found a GORGEOUS dress marked down to $20! Another good place to look is David's Bridal. They mark down the bridesmaid dresses when the season turns. A friend found a beautiful dress there for $45. Also, they have a seamstress on site if needed.
For pictures, if she has her friends do a group pic, then they can split the cost.
Megan

Dear Linda

Proms are special and no you do not have to pay for everything! She should have a date and he is responsible for the ride, flowers and dinner. This is a date right! She is responsible for her dress, shoes and hair. There are places she can get a dress at a very reasonable price. It is time for her to act like an adult, one that is about to graduate to a new life. She needs to understand responsibility [ money ] and that comes with age. The responsibility part!

I understand that you want her to pay for her way. But depending on your situation and hers she may not be able to. Only you know that. She may be able to do it all with a little help. Sit down with her and tell her that you can't pay for it all and work together. Offer to help her but do not pay for any thing till after she has tried and you see that it is some thing you can do to make this work for her. This will help her to become more responsible as an adult and if you work together I know it can be special for you and her. If she will not work with you on this then tell her that she is on her own then to figure it out.

I have bought dresses for my daughter and others at http://www.shopshop.com they offer a new dress every day for $29.00 with free shipping. Your daughter should be able to do that. Just check the site every day. And click on Today's Special.

Hair, well I can't tell you what to do about the hair. Not knowing where you live. I live near a college and they have a solon that does hair cheep. She may be able to do her own hair. Or with your help or a friends help. Does she have a friend that is going? They could spend the day together getting ready? This makes the day even more special. Doing each others hair make-up… you know what I mean.

As for the Pictures well, that is not a hard one to call. Yes pictures are very expensive if bought from the people that take them at the prom. But if you take pictures at home in front of a curtain or out side by a lovely tree. With a nice Digital camera you can take it to Wal-mart and get nice 8 x 10's cheep! She should also buy or take a camera to take her own pictures. This is not that expensive. Remember that Since the Date [Guy] is providing the Ride, Flowers and Dinner that she should make sure that the he gets copies of the pictures of them together. The portrait ones.

I hope that this helps you.
Lori

Hi Linda,

Set the rules now. If you can help her, by all means do so - but with structure you set. Get a budget and have her "earn" the items. You could have her do extra projects around the house. I have my girls pay half of expensive items they want that aren't necessities. (with chore chart money,etc) I always make sure they get what they want (within reason) but I make them put toward extra things so they appreciate it and think before asking.

Annoyed teenage girl? No kidding, really? Get used to it. If they aren't annoyed you aren't doing your job. My soon to be 15 year old is the one "working" me right now. She is getting a job this summer. As I told her when she tried telling me I'm cheap..."You want too much, you need a job." (I also told her if she called me cheap in front of her friend again I would show her cheap, she was trying to shame me into doing what she wanted. Which btw was buying her shorts on October just because they were on sale-shorts, in October when I was busy buying her fall clothes)
Good luck!

Just have to say, I'm with Patricia on this one!
I'm one of four kids, we each saved up to pay our way for more than just prom - senior trips, contacts (my folks paid for the glasses), trendy clothes, movies, etc with friends.

Oh, and I wouldn't rest on the old sex stereotype that the date/guy is responsible for the limo and dinner. That kid's parents are in the same bind! Every kid should pay their own share, they are kids after all. When did prom start being a mini-wedding in the production values, anyways?

If you're daughter isn't willing to work for the money or through chores/whatever, then she obviously doesn't want it badly enough.

Stand firm on this one - if she hasn't learned the value of money and that it doesn't grow on trees yet, prom is one of your last opportunities to teach her before she's heading out to the rest of the world.

(Keep in mind that how you approach this and what she 'wants' and her expectations are also going to come into play years from now when she is planning her wedding.)

Good luck!

I know a prom is a big thing for young ladies but we have to learn how to budget. When it was time for my prom my Mama told me she would match what I had saved up by a specific date. After babysiting for a while I saved over $200. So in total I had $400 and a family friend made the dress I designed.

I agree with you. Is her date paying for anything? That would be a must, it's not a wedding where the bride's parents are supposed to pay for everything(which I think is wrong anyway). Also, why does she need a limo? I would say if she wants a limo, she should pay for it or the guy should pay for it. As far as the rest, tell her you'll help out, but she should put some of her own money towards it too. Stand your ground.

My parents paid for my dress and as for everything else the guy paid for and actually when we checked into a limo the price was so out there that we all ended up taking our own cars. That was in 1984 and 1985 and gas prices were only 90some cents then so at $3.25+ a gallon I can't imagine how much a limo might cost. Maybe they can go together with several other couples and pay for it that way. I know the guys all paid for dinner and flowers and I am pretty sure their mom and dad paid for that.

Try going to a higher end consignment store to look for dresses. I have actually seen prom dresses and even wedding dresses in the Goodwill store here. As for Pictures if you have a camera that's good enough I don't know but I remember the guy paying for everything else. Hope this helps!!!!

you do what you want to do you're the mom and if she doesnt like it she doesnt have to go to the prom. tell her how much you are giving her for the event and let her decide how she wants to pay for it. too bad you didnt see this coming she could have gotten a weekend job and be saving up for it. she still can but it wot be as much. oh and you aren't her frieds mom.

Hi Linda,

You are exactly right about what you expect from your daughter.

She will have to accept what you are able to provide. She will just have to be upset. It is only for one night and all that expense can be saved for when she either goes to college or get married.

Prom night is the most dangerous night of all in the school calendar.

You are the parent and she is the child. You are doing the right thing, don't let her play the victim with you.

Hope this helps. Good luck. Donna

Well,

She may have a point depending on where you live. Too many parents pay for everything. It is very annoying and I do not know how this happened, because we all know that 90% of us paid our own way.

Dress-- can be shopped for very carefully...there are so many stores now that offer big time sales. Look in the JC Penny's, almost any junior department, David's bridal, look, look, look.....you will be able to get a dress for less than $30 if you try really hard.

Boutineer --can be bought at Safeway or any local grocery store. Better yet, buy the carnation, a pin from a craft store, a leaf, and some wire, make it, put it in a little bag from the craft store, and tell here you took care of it for her. She will never need to know you made it.

Hair- this may cost no matter who does it.....get her to babysit for it...really---my girls do. In no time they can earn $50. Put your foot down. Try to quickly find a frined of yours who may do it cheaper, and come to the house...serve pretty sodas with cherries or whatever to make it special. She can choose from some styles. Also- haircuttery is pretty inexpensive---but it doesn't always stay in the pins.

Pictures- if you can do it, then do it, but here is where the date and she can split one, and go and get them copied. Who cares?

LIMO--you got me here---what is with this?? I dread it myself. Find out how many people are going, and they should all be splitting this up. This might also be where you can say--Because I love you, I will pay 60% of what your share is, as long as it is reasonable, and you pay the 40% from babysitting. Unless you can swing for this for her.

DINNER---if she has a date--he can pay because it is a date. It is really O.K., unless one girl already announces that everyone should have to pay. Whatever, she needs to go with the flow--and eat a salad-they all do anyway. Really---it will not cost that much if she orders well.

Hope she has a great time--it is very very special!!! Take lots of pictures and enjoy the preparation with her. It can all be in the way it is presented. Tell her you are so excited too.

Limo-

Have you sat down with her to write a budget? I know that sounds funny but to me when someone says "sit down and write a budget" my heart starts to race and I get anxious. It's a natural reaction and I have no idea where it comes from! I'm just saying that it's easier for some people than others. Your daughter sounds like me (20 years ago!!!) but I can clearly remember thinking, feeling, and acting the same way. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to pay for everything, but where does she get extra money from? Does she work? If so, I think it's a parents responsibility to teach our children how money we earn equates to the money we spend. This is a lesson that comes naturally to my mother and my sister and is lost on me and I was never "taught" how to do this and to this day do not have any fiscal responsibility (at least I know this and married well). But that's not the lesson I am teaching my girls - that's my survival but not one I wish on my children because there's a harsh reality for those of us who didn't learn this and don't have the natural ability to deal with money. Good luck with her and no, there's nothing wrong with not paying for everything!!!!

Linda,

I remember wanting to go to prom myself and sadly I didn't have a date. My dad helped me pick out my dress and paid for it. My prom however was on a boat because I am the class of 2000. When my daughter reaches that age (which is not actually for another 15 years), I will be telling her that we'll pay for her dress and here is the limit on what you can spend on a dress and maybe pay for the prom ticket if her date (if she has one) doesn't pay for it. It's not a must that her hair be done by a stylist. Something simple will do, and as for the corsage, the date is supposed to pay for that. Accessories for the dress should be paid for but don't let her go dramatic. Your the mom which means you are in charge and if she doesn't like the limit you set then she'll have to find a way to pay for what she wants herself. I saw that you asked her to write out a budget and she got annoyed. I think she may not understand that you're asking for prices on the things she wants. Ask her and be patient and understanding. She doesn't think you understand and get it that this is the most important event in a young woman's life, when we all know you do. Hope this helps and hang in there. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself what you would do in her situation.

Hi, Linda!

My dad did not pay very much for Prom either, believe me. He helped out a little. Tell your daughter she should get a JOB & earn the money for Prom. That's what I had to do & it didn't kill me. Help her a LITTLE. Today's Prom expenses are absurd, what with limos, make-up, etc.!

Oh, and tell her you are NOT her friends' parents & you DON'T have a money tree in the back yard!

Good luck!
Pam H.
Westminster, MD

Stick to your guns. This is real life, and in truth, I'm sure that some of "all her friends" are facing the same thing and not complaining loudly enough for her to hear.

Not sure how many kids you had in the house growing up, but I was the oldest of 6.
By the time prom came around I had a job and paid most of my expenses myself, which unless your family has a specific situation that prevents her working, her butt should be working so she can enjoy those sorts of things.
My parents paid for my Ticket to prom. That's it. There was no limo nonsense and I got my dress from the mall for about 100 bucks. I did my own hair or my sister helped, a boutineer is about 5 bucks (which the ticket and bountineer combo might be what you can offer and afford...guessing the tickets aren't more then 30-50 bucks a couple) and as far as pictures...is the guy shes going with her Boyfried? how long have they been dating and do you see them making it beyond this grade year? If so...then maybe offer to pay half on pictures (but specifiy a price limit) and if he seems like a flake or last-choice guy, just say no...chances are she'll hate the pictures in a few years and wish there was no proof she'd gone with so-and-so ANYwhere!

Don't feel bad. If everyone's parents jumped off a bridge to spoil their kids silly...would you?

My opinion is that I think you should pay for it. I know it can be expensive and with girls even more. I would just set a limit on how much you can do financially and anything beyond she would need to help. Such as I will by the dress, and hair at a reasonable shop. If you want nails done, eyebrows, limos and the works then you will have to do those yourself. Does she have a job ?
I dont think prom is something one should miss out on. Until they have a full time job and on there own they will need help with things. But thats just me, my kids always come first. I would hate for them to miss an oppertunity to experience something. Life can be taken away very quickly.

I hate to sound like my parents, but "If ALL the parents were buying their kids mercedes, would you?" A family has to consider what is best for the whole. Is this one night of opulence going to take away from your necessities or even family vacation, or something that is good for the family as a whole. I think todays youth is pampered what too much. My sister just drove for her son's ring dance. And I mean DROVE! She went 45 minutes away to pick up the girl then 50 minutes to the resturant where EVERYBODY was eating, then 45 minutes to the actual dance where she sat and napped in her car so she wouldn't have to drive home and back and THEN she drove another 25 minutes to the "after party" and luckily the girl was going home with a friend and her son was spending the night at the family's home hosting the party, or she would have had to haul the girl BACK HOME. When I heard this I thought "where is her head?" So I say, help your daughter with what you can and let her foot some of the bill. Does she have a way to earn some money (babysitting, etc). You could even front the money and have her pay you back. But set a timeline so it isn't drug out too long. The longer it goes the more she will "need" the money for someting else. Best of luck!