The hardest thing is the RIGHT thing......not the comfortable thing. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO...for you AND for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up thinking she should "settle" for a relationship that is comfortable? Realize children learn what they are exposed to. What do you want her to learn about relationships? She'll thank you for it down the road and you'll be SSSSSSSSOOOOO much happier!
i think sometime we as women feel like we have to stay with our childrens fathers but we dont if your mind is made up why cant you have some happiness i believe that if he really was ready to go he would in a heart beat you have to love yourself first and know that you will be okay and doing so you have to be there for your daughter i did it and it was the BEST thing that i could have ever done dont stay because you might be comfortable to dont stay cause you feel obligated to him you dont your obligation is to you and your daughter he's not your husband
Are you sure that you don't love him? Are you sure that he doesn't love you?
Maybe you just hit that point when your relationship needs spicing up, you need to fall in love with each other again...Your baby is only 9 months old. Maybe you are both overwhelmed with new responsibilities, with new life...
You said that you have so much resentment..I have been there. It is a vicious cycle, and it is hard to break it, but if you still have feelings for him, and he has feelings for you, you can work it out. It would take a lot of patience because you would need to break that cycle of arguing, flash backs, resentment, and so on, but it is worth a try.
Now, don't get me wrong...I am not saying that you need to stay out of obligation. I am just saying that you need to think it through. Maybe it is the right guy, but you both are unable to find the way to work out your differences and issues.
Heather,
I don't really have a whole lot of new info for you. It is nice to know that you are not alone in this and that you are not the only one that this has happened to. I, too, was in the "party scene" when I found out I was pregnant. That is what it took for me to turn my life around and become the person I always was deep down! I completely understand you not feeling comfortable with letting the father have unsupervised visits. I was the same way. I would come home and BAWL!!! But, the only thing (and best thing) you can do is to pray for your child's safety and to NEVER say anything bad about her father. Trust me, that is NOT easy!!! I STILL have teeth marks in my tongue!!! Now, I was "lucky" in a way. My son's father died of an overdose when he was 3. My son is now 8. There are still stories that come up every once in awhile that chill me to the bone of what went on while he was with his father. But, God protected my son not only physically but, mentally and spiritually as well. He can look back at it and question the judgement of his father. My husband adopted my son the year after my son's biological father died. We have no contact with his father's side of the family and I couldn't be happier! You need to do what is best for you AND for your child. It was SOOO hard. I know! My son's biological father was STILL suggesting that he was going to propose to me AFTER I was engaged to my husband! Then, was asking me to leave my husband once we were married! I had notified the city police of where and what day I was getting married and that I was scared that he would show up! Trust me, THE BEST thing you can do for yourself and for your child is to do what your heart is telling you to do! Your job is to protect yourself and your child with all you have! I will pray diligently for you because I know how hard it is to be in your shoes! If you ever want to chat or anything...please don't hesitate to e-mail me!
Get out now before your little girl knows the difference. I was pregnant at 22 (married for less than 6 weeks before the pregnancy), and divorced by 25. My daughter has never known anything different other than mom and dad are divorced and it has never been an issue. In fact, she has said to me many times "I can't imagine you and dad married, and I like it this way" (she is 18 now!) On the other hand, the children of our friends (I am re-married with 3 other children) whose parents divorced when the children were 10, 11, etc., are angry and upset a lot. If you KNOW it is not going to work, don't wait until you have become angry and resentful and then make a change at a time when your daughter is going to become angry and resentful as well. You're still young and can find a good guy that you love (no hurry). By the way, hurray for you for being such a loving mother and taking the steps to ensure your future by furthering your education! Good job!!
No one can love a child and take care of them as your own father or mother can. There is no replacement for a parent. As far as - you have to a certain level bear and grin the consequences of your actions. It is not like you do not know this already and have not experienced this. If you really cannot find in your heart to love this man and find any good qualities in him worth being married- then you should let go immediately and work out arrangements w/ him to let him be a part of his childs life. No point living a lie. You and him have to be responsible parents/adults for the sake of your child. You do have to put the child first- its thier future that matters the most and everything you do, say, act out affects them. You will see the affects of your life on them usually around the age of 5 or so. The ultimate decision is yours. You need to be honest w/ your self and your other half completely for the sake of your child. You have to someday give the child a reasonable explanation. Having children means also making sacrifices and being happy;finding your happiness w/ what you have. No other person can make you happy. Only you can!!!!
Hi Heather! Your feelings right now remind me a lot of myself. All you two are doing right now are kicking one another while your both down about your relationship. When I got to the point that it was just completely bringing me down for my daughters sake and my own I left! Where mothers who put are children first and need to realize that putting ourselves first is best for them. Happy mommy makes a happy baby. He is her father and you need to trust him with her(unless her safety was at risk). It was really hard for me at first to leave her for her first overnight with her dad but I knew he loved her and would figure it out on his own. What do you mean when you say his family is wacky, be more specific. 4 months after leaving I got back on my feet on my own and established a life with my daughter I love. Her father and I maintained a good relationship for her with it's ups and downs. When I questioned whether I loved him or he loved me was finally answered thru the seperation. We missed one another and he came back begging on his knees. We now are still great parents while working on our relationship by going out on dates and spending qaulity time together as a family. We still live seperately(my choice)but I know he loves me and I feel the same. We were only together 3 months before I got pregnant! My daughter is now 19 months old. Seperation is the best way to figure out your life and whether or not you want to do raise your daughter together or seperate. Stay strong and do it while she is still a baby!
Heather, It sounds like you have definitly put alot of thought into this relationship and how it will effect you child. Have you sat down and had discussions with the father? I think communication,whatever the outcome is, is so important. Just because you relationship might end doesn't mean his relationship with your daughter has to end. There are always options. I was intersted to know that you are in college and getting your education, I think that is fantastic! As a cosmetologist you may be interested in what I do part-time to bring in some extra money. I represent a company called BeautiControl. We specialize in Skincare, Spa Products, Cosmetics. The products are awesome and affordable and something you could probably easily work into your establiched client base. Not to mention the tax benefits of having a home based company are great! Visit my website www.beautipage.com/jenniferfriedl or call (330)966-1174
I hope to hear from you soon!
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Just wanted to thank everyone for the responses. It helped so so much to know I’m not alone, and just have someone to listen. Well what happened? I LEFT!!! And I couldn’t possibly be any happier about it. It looks like it will not be a fun ride with custody, as they’re wanting 50-50 and it just won’t happen. (“They” as in him and his mother, yes it’s sad a 30 year old man needs mommy to coach him through a break up!) I’m sure I’ll be needing more advice soon as I’m about to start an ugly custody case. Thanks again mamas!