I'm a first time mom of a 9 month old little girl, who pretty much makes my world go round. Her father and I have been dating for about 3 years now,we met at a not so pretty phase in my life (I was 22,lots of partying we'll say). About a year into relationship I got pregnant (of course a surprise) which was when of course my lifestyle at the time came to a screeching hault. Which honestly was the best thing for me because I had turned into someone I was not. Our relationship has a not so happy past and I harbor so much resentment because of undiscussed issues. We did the counseling thing for a very short while, but honestly I feel like my mind is made up. I'm simply not in love with him. He's not a super bad guy, but I am in NO way, shape, or form comfortable with him ever taking my little girl over night. Plus his family is a bit wacky. I feel like I'm just staying w/him out of obligation, and just don't know how to leave. I don't think he is in love with me (or is capable of loving for that matter.) But I think he is comfortable as we have been living together so long. I don't want to keep my daughter from her father, but am just terrified she won't be properly cared for when I am not around. Anything? Anyone have any advice at all?
I totally understand what you are going through. I had two kids with my ex husband. The relationship was always rocky, but we got comfortable. We were married for 7 years before I finally left. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I ended up meeting the man of my dreams. We have been married 3 years now and I am so happy with him.
When I left my ex, my second child had just turned a year old. I was still nursing her as well. Thankfully, my ex was reasonable and didn't insist on overnights until she had weaned and was almost 2. I think the courts will side with you since your baby is so young if he won't be reasonable about it. Good luck! Expect things to be rough for awhile while you both adjust and go through the grieving process. Hang in there and you will likely find what you are looking for.
Congrats on the baby and on changing your life around. Both are not easy to do!
I was in a long-term relationship that ended in a marriage. My husband was a good guy, we just were not in love. After being married for 2 years I made the decision to end the relation. It felt bad, wrong, selfish etc etc but I also was finally able to breath. It truly was a hard decision to make, but it turned out to have been the best I've ever made. I am now happy and discovered true love (I didn't even think it existed!)
Of course only you can make that decision. It is my personally believe though that it is better for your daughter to have a happy mom than to live with 2 (unhappy) parents. I know there are people who believe that it is better for a child to live with 2 parents no matter what but out of personal experience I can tell you that it is not a good feeling if your parents stay together "for the kids" rather than being happy.
Good luck!
You're young, not married, and have a wonderful life ahead of you. If there's a guy in your life that you're not completely happy with, then it's time to be on your own until you find one that makes you happy. It stinks that he's the father of your child, but when your daughter is older, one of the important things you will be teaching her is love and relationships between a man and a woman. She needs to see you in love with a man, not just barely standing one. So, think about that, and if it's a real worry with her staying overnight, you can always find a cheap or free lawyer and try to see if he wants to sign off his rights. You never know, with the circumstances under which you too hooked up. Maybe he's not really ready to settle down yet to be a father.
Heather, just reading your story gives me chills. I am in the same spot. However, I am 26, a mother of two of my own plus we care for three others. I am terribly unhappy but don't know how to leave or go. There are so many resources available so you just have to get the will and strength to go and if you think you don't have it, look at your child. That is all the strength you need. If you don't do it for you, do it for her. I know first hand the affects of a messed up relationship on children as if affects my kids everyday. True love exists somewhere and for now just focus on you two and it will come when you least expect it.
As far as him taking her without you around, girl, Im a control freak and can't imagine someone having my kids without me. Maybe just wait til he shows some signs of being an appropriate parent.
Best wishes to you, keep us posted.
I'm sorry I really don't have anything to offer in the way of advice. I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I'm thinking of you during your difficult time. You have support here. Should you need to talk or let of steam, contact me. Shannon
I was in a similar situation with my daughter but I was married. You should be happy that you aren't married yet! Your daughter deserves to have two parents that love each other to raise her. You don't want her growing up thinking that the relationship you have with your boyfriend is normal, do you? You deserve to be happy and to have true love in your life. Just because you had a child with someone does not mean that you have to stay with them. My daughter has a much better life now than she would have ever had if I would have stayed married to her father. The idea of leaving your daughter with him overnight is terrifying, but he may not even want that responsibility. That is something that you can talk to him about. When you are done with a relationship, you are done, and it sounds to me, my dear, like you are done. There seems to have been too much irrepairable damange. It's time to move on. I hope I helped a little!
Hi Heather,
congradulation on going back to school and for protecting your child.
Even though you said the two of you went to a counselor, perhaps it is time for you to go to one on your own. He/she may provide the tools you need as you are becoming stronger in this process. There are many programs out there on a sliding scale so even if you only can afford a bit they are available.
Be gentle with who you are and you are still growing up yourself as we all are.....this won't happen overnight.
blessings and prayers to you.
Heather,
My advice would be to not stay just out of obligation. If you truely have your mind made up then you will eventually leave anyway. If you can do it on your own then I would say go for it.
As for when he has her, if you live in OH, if you were never married to him then you automatically have sole custody of your daughter and can tell him when he is allowed to see her. YOu can file for child support in the county you live as well. It is a fairly simple process. If you think you can talk to him about your concerns then try. Once you are gone there is only so much you can do when he has her.
I had a similar situation and ended up leaving my boyfriend 2 weeks before my DD was born. I was also very concerned about him having her bc I did not trust him. I had seen him with his other kids (from prev marriage) when we had them every other weekend. He was an alchoholic and not a good parent and I was concerned. Anyway, I did it.
Well let me know if you have more questions that I can answer.
Good luck!
Keri
I just got out of a 17 year relationship that I too was unhappy in for a long time...the past 8 years. I too was staying because of the kids (I have three with him)and I was comfortable and concerned that the kids would not be cared for (my ex's family is the epitome of wacko!). DON'T STAY! I must say these past few months after the divorce have been the most peaceful and relaxing. Even the kids have made comments to me about the change. Find yourself a good attorney and move on. The court will see to it that your daughter is cared for or otherwise there will be no visits. I must say that you will have to keep a very close eye on things also to make sure. You are far too young to waste away your life with someone you do not love. You deserve peace of mind and a relationship with someone that takes your breath away, someone you look forward to coming home to or coming home to you. It is even better that you are not married, no divorce to go thru. If there are issues that have gone unaddressed after three years don't expect them to be resolved. My ex expected me to "just get over it" after three years and didn't know why we had to discuss things because it had been so long. Do not waste 8 years like I did, it simply is not worth it. I wish I had someone kick me in the rear and tell me to get out sooner. There are really some good guys out there. We just happen not to find them the first time around. Best of luck to you
heather, i have only once seen a relationship work out where both parties stayed together for the kids. the mother is 50 and the father is 60 years old. they recently (after about 20 years or so) fell back in love.
this is an exception to the rule. the rule is that, if you do not love someone, then you simply should not be with that person. think of it this way: do you enjoy having sex with someone you don't want to? of course not. it hurts your heart, it confuses you about what you deserve and you feel bad about yourself, don't you?
(i'm not suggesting that any rape or anything is involved!!!! but being with someone that you don't want to be is the same to a less violent extent.)
you need to do what is right for you. your children will be happier later for you giving them a happy mother. it is a sacrifice of your comfort and of the easy path which, ultimately, is what's best for your children. you may feel that you're being selfish or not trying hard enough. DON'T!!! this is a head trip that i've been through plenty (my previous convinced me that i was "crazy" (no bs!), that i was the one that needed help and that i, and this "condition" were the causes of our problems.).
you are worth and deserve better!!!
Heather. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Life is too short to be unhappy in a bad relationship. There is someone out there for you who can give you what you want in a relationship. Don't settle for less!!!!
Deb
Plainfield, IN
Staying together is probably not best for your daughter. It might be best to consult a lawyer (and maybe a therapist for you daughter to find out how to handle the situation best for her) and have the lawyer and courts help you with custody matters. The mom usually gets the majority of the custody and if you have legitimate concerns for her welfare you can bring that up with your lawyer. I can imagine how tough this would be on you, as mothers we want our children with us 24/7. I've not been in your situation but this is probably the course of action I would take. Hope this helps!
hello heather!
ok i knw its hard to do but you have to give him a chance to take care of her with out you. if you want to leave him then you need to do it now before things really start to get harder. what is it you dont think he will do right? ok with my soon to be husban, i dont like his family much but i have to get over it so she can know them to. its only far! i dont really know him or the family so you really just need to use your best judgement. is he a ok father? if not a great father! pay attention to how he acts around her. what is it that makes you think he wont take care of her? if he is that bad of a father then you could make sure he doesnt see her, BUT ONLY if he is really that bad. by all means im not one to jump to taking the child away from a parent. well good luck! i hope i helped!!!
P.S- ok i dont think you will need to get a consulor for your daughter, she only 9 months old! maybe when she gets older, but not now!!!
Hi Heather,
I commend you for changing and making a better person of yourself and therefore giving your child a much better chance at success in her life.
I've been where you're at, we didn't have a child but we also met partying. A LOT of things happened that when I changed, I couldn't let go of.
I married him and were married for 4 years. But one day I realized it was a big mistake, I was 28 and knew it was time for me to move on and make a life on my own.
Now I am married to an imperfect man - for 7 years this October, we are compatible. We walk towards a common goal, we aren't together cos it's comfortable, with my ex we were together 10 years!!! It "felt" comfortable.
It's a shame for your child to have a divorce, I hate it, but that's better than a man that isn't quite setteping it up as you'd like, that you do not love.
Stop feeling guilty, why do we as women feel "obligated" to a man! You know men will usualy just walk away.
Last, you can't change the past, we all know that, you can't erase it either. My ex did unforgettable things I "pretended" to forget. But later after years of marriage, they ate at me and ate at me and being a woman of self-respect and dignity, I couldn't bare what I knew, what EVERYONE knew had gone down... His late nights, dissappearing, his drug use, his BS, period.
I am sorry you have to make this decision with a child involved, it would have made it much harder for me too, but looking at my life today I say, what?? Oh that is what I call "My Past Life" its nothing but a vague memory .... On with life! ;)
What a popular topic..I guess it's comforting to know you (we're) not the only ones. Looks as if you have a lot of responses to read so I'll attempt to keep it short.
I'm in the same boat with ALL that you've mentioned. I'm still with my daughter's father, we're "cool", but together we're poison. He wants to "work it out", but isn't willing to actually work for it. My mind's made up...I'm moving on.
He's still a friend and will always be in OUR lives so I respect him enough to tell the truth. He knows my position. I just graduated, he's due to finish soon. Since he supported my degree, I'm supporting his as long as he's focused. We'll have equal footing when we split and OUR CHILD WILL BENEFIT. I don't care for his fam, but I've come to learn that I was (maybe still am) unfairly taking my issues out on them even though he agrees many of my concerns are valid. I resent the whole situation and that my fam lives out-of-town. But, I have to deal, she loves them and they love her. SHE BENEFITS. With that said, do your research (try divorcehelpforparents.com), formulate a plan that's truly fair and BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Acknowledge the change in your life, then FIX IT.
You'll be happy to know that you're doing what's best for all involved (even if he doesn't see it that way). Maintain a working relationship with him as best you can so your daughter doesn't lose what she's come to know as her daddy and she doesn't lose what she needs most...a happy mommy.
Hi Heather, I can't decide which question I should respond to first.....yes 2.
How and should you leave this relationship ?
Or will your child receive good care whether you leave or not ?
Whether you should leave him or not is up to you........You must decide if this is really what you want for yourself !
As for your child and care.......Whether you are with him or not - He is still the Father and will still receive visitation rights. Which means your child will be a part of his life and his families life whether you are a part of his life or their life.
Sounds like you are caught in a catch 22. Take your time and research all your options to find your answer.
Goodluck and May God Bless You.
Honey, styaing with "the father" is not going to make the situation any better. I know it seems cruel to keep your baby away from the father...but sometimes, it's best to create a better life for your child. My mother was not married when I was born. She never put a father's name on the birth certificate, so when she met a wonderful older man, we became a family. She's not regretted it, and I've had the happiest life ever.
Do what's best for your child. It's hard sometimes and some people might disagree. But, if you know you are getting into a bad situation, then you know it won't get any better.
Best wishes to you! Will be praying for you.
I was in a similar situation, and I made the tough decision to move on. My daughters were 6 and 3 at the time, and I hated to rock their little worlds, but I knew I was doing the right thing for all of us.
It has been 3 years, and I've neer regretted my decision. My ex has continued to choose alcohol over everything else, so my girls haven't heard from him in 2 years...nor has his family or friends. While that's unfortunate, it's far better than letting his alcoholism affect us on a daily basis.
The bonus: I'm now engaged to the most wonderful guy ever. He's a great father to my girls (as well as his own children). We share the same values, interests and dreams, and I'm happier than I ever imagined. Most importantly, my girls are happy, and they're growing up in a loving, supportive, respectful environment.
Stay strong.
Not so much advise as just opinion. It would me more harmful down the line for your daughter to think that the way your relationship is, is the way it is supposed to be. Would you want the same for her, because how you are is all she will know. I don't, however, think you should keep her from her father; unless of course you feel he would be harmful to her. Good Luck.. life does NOT get any easier from here!!(hopefully a little happier though!!)