My husband and I are having an issue with his family - in the big picture it is really small and petty, but it is causing stress right now.
I have a 4 year son and a 2 year old daughter and a 2 year old niece. For the past 4 years our children have called their paternal grandparents "Grandma & Grandpa". On that side, they call (along with the rest of the family) their great-grandparents "Nana & Papa." Just before our nieces 2nd birthday her mom started trying to get her to call her grandparents Nana & Papa instead of Grandma and Grandpa. This really, really bothered my husband who has always felt that the oldest grandchild would set the names for grandparents ad didn't understand the cause for the change. At the time, our son had a very hard time understanding why his cousin was now being told to call Grandma and Grandpa different names. We dealt with it as best we could at home and decided to let it go. We decided we would obviously continue with the names they had always used.
Fast forward 7 or 8 months and now my in-laws won't use any names except Nana and Papa (even when talking to just our kids) and my son keeps coming to me saying "I don't want to call them Nana and Papa. Their names are grandma and grandpa. Why do they want me to change their names?" Now I feel very upset. It is confusing and stressful for my children. They also already have a designated "Nana & Papa" who are very much involved in their lives. We are all a very close family and see each other weekly.
Before any of the kids were born we specifically asked what they wanted to be called... and were told "Grandma and Grandpa." We went with it and never had any issues until my SIL wanted her daughter to use the different names.
Part of our issue is that my husband just left with the Marine Corps and won't be home until December. We had 8 days notice before he left, and it has been HORRIBLE on our kids this time around. They are having major issues dealing with it, and I pisses me off that this is just adding more stress to their lives right. I feel stupid for letting this upset me but I don't know that I can just let it go. We were fine and stayed out of it until they decided that our kids should call them different names as well. This, to me, seems 4 years too late.
Am I really over-reacting? Would it bother anyone else? Do I sit back and keep my mouth shut? Please someone give me a little perspective and insight!
Should I make my kids start calling them by the "new" names?
You have a very strange family, you know that right?
My kids call all their grandparents grandma and grandpa, except their great grandparents, they are great-grandma/grandpa. So I guess I don't understand why it would be confusing at all.
Maybe I just don't understand your story.
Let your kids call them whatever they want and just explain that people have many names and many titles....just go with it.
Honestly, I'd be upset about it too. I don't think you're over-reacting. They can't just change their names to the children and expect them to be OK with it. I would put my foot down on this for sure. Off the top of my head, I would probably say something like, "Little Mikey has been calling you Grandma and Grandpa for four years, I don't think it's fair to change it on them now, I would appreciate it if you would let them call you what they already know."
My daughters decided they were going to call my Mom 'Namaw' so that's what she's always been. I think the kids should really decide. My MIL wanted to be 'Grams' but my kids decided to call her Grandma. She didn't like it at first and for a while tried to encourage my kids to say 'grams' but I told her to be happy that they love her enough to decide what they want to call her.
Yes, it would bother me, too. I am not sure what you can do, though. I can't imagine that your in-laws can't adjust to being called 2 names. It's like being called Mrs. Johnson by kids and Mary by peers. Can you take your in-laws aside and talk to them without causing a problem while your husband is gone? If they correct the kids while you are there, can you gently remind them that they have always called them Grandma and Grandpa and it is easier for your kids to call them that? This just seems pretty weird to me. The adults should be able to deal.
I'm with Jo on this. Let the children call the grandparents Grandma and Grandpa. If Grandma and Grandpa get upset, ask THEM to explain it to your son. If they still get upset, just say "well, he's been doing it for four years. And we did ask you way in advance about this. Could you just roll with it? YOU know who he's talking about."
I think every child should call their grandparents whatever each child wants. My neice who is the 2nd born grandchild calles my mom "mi-mi". My children call her grandma Lindy. They call the rest of their grandparents by Grandma Holly, Grandpa Fred.
My supervisor is called "nee-Nee" and they call her husband "Wampa" Each child is differnt.
The grandparents should allow the grand parents to be called what they want. That seems a little controling on their part. Good luck.
I completely understand what you are saying. "Grandma and Grandpa" should have told your sil that they are to be called "Grandma and Grandpa" just to avoid confusion and any hurt feelings for others. Your SIL shouldn't have insisted they change their names at all. If your children want to continue calling them Grandma and Grandpa let them. Maybe explain to G&G that this is what they are used to since that's what they've been called up to recently and that's there's no sense in confusing the kids even further. Or have your children call them Grandma Nana and Grandpa Papa. A bit longer but it takes care of both. I'm a grandma and had a tough time figuring out what to be called. I didn't want to be called Grandma, granny, nana or any of that. Couldn't be called Meme or Ma since they were already taken. So I decided to let the kids decide what to call me. Guess what they came up with? Memaw. Yep, I'm Memaw. Am I crazy about it? Nope but that's what they decided so I'm stuck with it. Will I ever change it, NOPE. Not worth the confusion and it would be like saying, sorry kiddos, the name you came up for me out of love wasn't good enough. Sorry that they are causing stress for you. Tell them how it confuses your kids and stand your ground.
On a side note, I want to thank you for your husband's service to our country and for all the sacrifices that you have to go through. God Bless you and yours!
Well...I have four siblings in my family and each calls my mom and dad something different. I don't think anyone of us has ever cared what they are called and I know they don't. My husband's family of 5 sibings is the same way-everyone uses a different name, no big deal at all. From this board though I am getting the picture that this is an important "naming right' in many families. What I would do if I were you if you haven't already is next time your MIL insists she get called Nana ask her why the switch? You guys had already agreed to Grandma and that is what your kids know. Say they are probably going to keep calling you that and I really can't stop them seeing that is what they have been told to call you. You can even kind of laugh about it to keep it light.
With my husband's family all the grandchildren call the grandparents different names. We let the kids decide what they will call them. For example my daughter calls them Grammy & Pop-pop. My sister-in-law's kids call them Gigi (grandma) & family nickname (grandpa). My other sister-in-law's kids call them Mama-Mi (grandma) and family nickname (grandpa). Nobody has any issues and we all think it's great when the kids come up with new names. The grandparents think it's great too.
I do think it's a bit crazy that now years later they are trying to change their names. I definetely see why you are upset. I would talk with the grandparents and tell them that all of this is very upsetting to the children and see what they have to say. Maybe you can both come to some sort of compromise.
My son has 3 pawpaw's, one granny and 2 mawmaw's and he knows who is who. One niece calls pawpaw by a different name and she has tried to get my son to follow in her footsteps, but my son refuses (the two are one month apart in age). It drives my niece nuts, but my FIL has been pawpaw from day 1 and I have no idea why my niece calls him something else. It was my nieces choice so it is what it is. Now I find it odd that the grandparents after having been previously asked expect your children to call them by a different name. Why? I mean what is the big deal (to them)? I think they are just being a little silly, but adding the stress and confusion to your young children during this difficult time in their lives is unnecessary. I would just politely say when they correct them, that your kids are young and they have enough going on without having to learn new names for people they have known their whole lives and that you think it would be easier on your kids to keep the grandparents names as they were before to have less disruption/change in their lives.
Let them call the grandparents what they like. Growing up, I had 3 "Nannie's", and one Grandad. A little confusing, but it worked. I personally prefer the Nana or Nannie to Grandma, Grandma makes me feel old! (I am one! LOL) My step Dad, did a name change thing like this, he was Jesse, when I met him (at 10) and became James when I was about 13. If I called him Jesse, he ignored me. That was stupid & ridiculous, & I hope the grandparents dont take the name change thing that far & if they do, certainly say something...
I am with you. So not fair to your kids and they should have never have
changed their names. Your kids are going thru enough they do not need
this. I mean they are Grandma and Grandpa; that is their identity. I just do
not get it! Jeeze. However, not really sure what you can do. Can you sit
them down and tell them how upsetting it is to the kids. I hope you can work
this out. Hugs your way!
So, I would talk to your in-laws and say, "I would appreciate your help and understanding while the children are adjusting to a very difficult time for our family. Continuity is a big deal for them right now and we'd like to keep changes to a minimum. Could you please not push about changing your titled names right now?"
well I personally think that you are thinking too much into this. You are making it more of a problem than it is. I agree changing names in the middle of the game is a bit much, but I would tell them that your children will continue to call them what they have always called them, regardless of what the other grandchildren are calling them. Being the oldest grandchild and setting the stage for the name of the grandparent is a bit ridiculous. Why would you assume that just cause your child uses a particular name that all other kids should too? That is not fair to the others. They should be allowed to call them what they want and not have you guys be mad about it. I think you should just let it go. You have way more bigger things to worry about than this.
This is nuts. My sister's kids call my mom Papa. No way in hell am I letting my kids call her a man's name, so we call her Grandma.
Really, I still don't know what to call my father in law, so I just say , "Um, can you pass the butter?" or whatever. Maybe it's time to not call them names at all. I would just ask Nana and Papa to explain it to your kids. Tell your kids that they decided they like Nana and Papa better, and tell the grandparents that this is stressing them out. Come up with a compromise somehow.
I remember my mom wanted us to start calling her "mama" we were teens! It was weird and awkward. We did it for like 2 weeks and it never felt comfortable so we went back to calling her 'mom'.... no matter how much she hated it.
Talk to them, explain how this name change is causing your children stress and that they already call their other grandparents by those names. Tell them that your kids will be calling them by the names they have always used, and to please stop trying to change it on them.
I saw a similar question on this the other day. My take is the same, where in the world have grandparents gotten the idea that they get to choose/force their name onto their grandkids???!! I hope that there are some grandmas out there on this site that can explain.
That being said, they should be happy with whatever they are called. My MIL prefers Grammy, but then some of her grandkids call her grandma also, she never corrects them.
I would be soooo annoyed if any of my many grandmas (we have a lot, greats, adopted, step, etc) and if any of them put up a stink I think I would be honest with them and tell them that whatever the grandkids call them is good or they can be called by their first name only. :)
In my husband's family everyone called his father's parents something different - Grams, Nana, etc. It was confusing for me as an adult, especially when I first started dating him and the whole family got together! I actually thought there was another set of grandparents I hadn't met! LOL.
I can just imagine the confusion for a small child/children. Poor things.
Anyway, the best resolution is to talk to the gparents. I don't think multiple "titles" is an issue and the kids will get use to hearing their gparents spoken about using the other names. Tell their grandparents that while you respect and appreciate the SIL's desire to have her children call them Nana & Papa, that your children were introduced to you as Grandma and Grandpa and that you really would like for them to continue using those terms of endearment. In addition, you could tell them that the children already have a "Nana & Papa" and that at this age it is confusing for them have two sets. You will then need to respectfully ask them to refer to themselves as Gma and Gpa when talking to the kids.
Now, this being said, if you need to take this issue to the kids - say because the adults are being childish and unreasonable - then I would start using last names. This is how I did it with my grandmothers and how I am doing it now with my childrens' grandmothers. I had a Grandma Turoski and a Grandma Phillip and my kids now have a Grandma Phillip and a Grandma Trent. My daughter is 4YO and has never had any trouble with this. When speaking to one individually, she calls them Grandma but we be sure to specify which Gma we are talking about when discussing things like travel plans, etc.
As for telling your kids why there is a name change, just tell them that Nana and Papa are a way of showing someone older who is related to Daddy (or mommy) respect because you love them and that since they love Gma and Gpa so much it would be very nice and extra special if they could call them Nana and Papa too. The transition, if needed, will only go as smoothly as you make it (and I know that is hard as your Mama Bear signals are racing right now).
You also need to be sure that your husband is on board either now or when he gets back. No, need to rock the boat twice.
He got TICKED when he was a toddler at the park and called out "Mom!" and several women looked up. Absolutely INCENSED at preschool that everyone else's mom was ALSO named "mom". So he started calling me by my first name in public. I'm still mom at home, or 'my mom' in conversation, but he calls me Riley when there are other people about.
So how about instead of changing TITLES just call them by Fred & Ethel? (insert real names, obviously). Those names won't change, afterall.
Ok, once names are established they need to change ...
My side: Grammy and Gampa (I dislike gampa personally)
His side: Grandma and Grandpa
This will not change as far as I see it.