We need help here. On Wednesday night my SIL who was carrying twins lost the baby boy. She was induced Thursday and the baby girl is doing well. There will be a funeral for the baby boy. I feel like my 32 month old son should not attend the funeral since he didn't know this baby and there are a lot of emotions involved. When the entire family was together Thursday we were all sobbing. My son doesn't know what was going on and my father was watching him at home. I know the funeral will be the same way. With the death of an infant I feel like more emotions are involved. Every one will be not just crying but sobbing. My son gets very upset when he sees me cry and in general is a sensitive child.
My husband feels like our son should attend the funeral. He feels that if we don't take him then we are shielding him from what is going on in our lives. I really worry that this will be traumatic for him. My husband knows I like this site and has asked me to post this questions to see what others think. Should we take our son to this funeral? My father can watch him while we are there so child care isn't an issue.
Unless your son is a perfect angel, I would recommend against taking him. If he is is a "normal" 2.5 year old he will be a distraction to you and others who will need time to mourn this tragic loss. If there is a dinner afterward, maybe you could bring him to that.
I wouldn't take him. Not only will all the emotion be overwhelming, what if he gets needy or whiny or is just over the whole thing. How are you going to handle caring for your little one when your emotions are so raw. You need time to say goodbye and grieve as well. Just tell hubby that you want to be there for the family without the worry of if your son is ok and being tended to. True story, I took my son to a wake when he was almost three and he darn near knocked the casket over!! There were people milling around and he just slipped up there. SO, I say leave him with grandpa and go and mourn and spend time with your family. I am so very sorry for your loss, I wish you and your family all the best.....hugs...
A three yr old is way too young to go to a funeral and it could cause him a great deal of upset. I would get a sitter to watch your child during the service and anything afterwards. You may want to sit down with him to let him know in very simple words what happened to one of the babies after the funeral when you are composed. I would just say that one of Aunt... and uncle... babies was born very sick and has gone to heaven to be an angel for God. Then let him know Aunt... and Uncle will be ok and she is coming home from the hospital soon but tel him they ay just be sad about the baby boy but are happy to have a baby girl. Tell him the girl baby is not sick and he can meet her soon when Aunt... is home. I would also ask him if he has an questions and answer them simply too, 3 yr old does not need details and won't understand them. Hope this helps and hugs for your sis in law.
I would leave him with your father. I don't think he would understand what was going on - does he even get the concept of death yet? I think if my 3 year old were in that position, he would get upset and ask a lot of questions loudly that I wouldn't want to answer at the time. I think it would be much better to have that conversation at home, if at all. That way he won't be shielded from what is going on but he will be spared witnessing a depth of sadness and emotion he isn't equipped to handle yet. If your husband is determined, talk about it with your son beforehand and see how he reacts to the subject and to how emotional you get while discussing it. It might give you an idea how he would react at the funeral.
Have you spoken to your SIL? She may give you her blessing to let your son stay at home. I know this is such a difficult time for her right now but she may also want your father to watch her baby girl while the funeral is going on too! She probably isn't getting the chance to think about it while she's caring for her newborn, but dedicated grieving time is essential to the healing process.
If you decided to bring your cute, wild card 3 year old to the funeral, what's the worst that could happen? A) He could get emotionally overwhelmed and be impossible to console, which could mean you or your husband have to leave the funeral early... B) He could be oblivious to the emotional turmoil and want to be a cute rambungctious 3 year old, giggling and yelling and running around the place, which could mean you or your husband have to leave early.
Your husband has a great point with not wanting to shield your son from your lives and I encourage him to hold onto that idea the whole time your son is growing up. This is still an opportunity to teach your son compassion. At home, sit down and talk to your son calmly in little kid words about how sad everyone is and help him make a sympathy card for your SIL's family to help make them feel better. Bring the card with you and give it to your SIL. That way he does have the opportunity to support your family as well, without the potential to disrupt a solemn and tragic memorial.
I went to a funeral for a baby boy who died of SIDS over four years ago and still remember it as one of the saddest things I had ever seen. My son was real young at the time and would have likely been tramatized by all the crying and seeing so many people upset who could not be helped. I would say that one day you will want to talk about his cousin with him but he is too young to be comfortable and included at this point in time
In our culture we always take all ages of children to all funerals. As family members we help each other care for all of the children..
But...One thing I will tell you, this sounds like a very emotional time for all of you. It may be best for your dad to watch him at home during the funeral itself, but if the family gathers for a meal after wards, maybe your dad could take your son to that gathering. Your son will bring comfort to you, your husband and the other adults, to help remind you that there are still a lot of great things going on in your lives..
I am so sorry for all of you and this terrible loss. I am sending you all peace.
We've taken children to funerals as young as 18 months, but stayed towards the back as to not disturb. That said, I believe your instincts are sensitive to the nature of the mourning that you are involved in, and I would leave my child with your father, if he doesn't plan on attending the funeral, or a sitter if he does.
If it was a grandparent or someone in the family that he would have known that is closely related who had passed then I might bring him so that he would understand and say good-bye.
It's ok for him to be sensitive and learn to cry with those who mourn, and know that he is a bright spot for those around him that are grieving, but it sounds like the grief is so powerful that this life lesson may be better for another time.
The funeral in this case wouldn't be providing him closure, I would agree that it may be overwhelming for a little guy. This kind of decision is best made case by case.
Will be praying for the family. I can't imagine the sadness over the death of their son, and the joy for the birth of their daughter at the same time....I'm so sorry.
i think it really depends on your child. When my son was 7 months old and my daughter was 3.5 my husbands cousin's 12 week old baby died of SIDS. We took the kids to the funeral, but we did not take them to the coffin. they sat and did very well.
However, now that my son is 22 months old, i would NOT take him. he does not sit still well and he is a very loud child. I do not think that is appropriate or respectful of the situation at hand.
i really think it depends on your own child and how you think he would handle the situation.
I have take my son to a funeral at around that age but we ended up outside the church for most of it. I'd say leave your son home. In my situation it was an older relative who was sick for a while and I was not very emotional about it. In your case it sounds like you and other close relatives will all be upset and not so able to focus on what your son needs. He did not know the baby so he doesn't need to be part of the funeral this time around.
By all means talk to him about what is going on and that the baby died and then expect to keep answering questions for a while. We are talking about this a lot recently with my 4 year old son because our cat died earlier this month. We had told him she was old and sick (21, a very old cat) and we let him see her briefly when she died. We are still hearing questions and comments and he is putting it together a little at a time. Today he talked about wishing no one had to die and wishing he could have met older relatives he has heard stories about. My point is that young kids don't understand or process death like adults. At just under 3 he will know people are upset and only get the very basic concepts.
Please don't take him. My son died a few years ago and it was so disturbing to hear little kids during my son's funeral. I wanted to scream at the parents for disrupting "my last moments" with my son. Plus, one of the girls from my daycare saw my son's body in the casket and had nightmares for months afterwards (he was her friend). I have personally been there and I think it is completely rude.
My normal response would be to honor your husband's wishes. I think that is always a good way for a wife to go. So, regardless of what he decides based on the input here, respect him and submit to his wishes.
Now, having said that, if it were up to me, I wouldn't take my baby. It will be a hard time for everyone as it is, and having to take care of his needs during that time would add extra stress to you and your husband. You should be able to console your SIL and her family. It isn't shielding him from the realities of life. He is too young to really understand the funeral. You can talk to him about what is happening in a different environment (at home). We lost a twin very early in my last pregnancy. My youngest child at the time was about the age of your son. She still talks about it because she understood, but she didn't need to see everyone in deep grief over it to understand it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult trial. I pray that you and your husband can come to a decision that both of you are comfortable with.
My dad died in May, 2 months ago. He had 11 grand-children from 10 months to 6 years. None attended the funerals. We asked the oldest ones (5 and 6) and they were scared to go so we organized daycare for all the kids that day. Here are some of the reasoning behind:
- For you: you will have to stay at the back/next to a door in case you need a quick exit (even if your son is normally an angel, the fact to see you and all the people cry may upset him a lot) so YOU will "miss" the cereony even if you are physically there
- For your son: He is not 3 yet so death is not a concept he can grasp yet. My son (38 months)is growing a bean tree and keep some to give to grandpa who is dead when he will visit us! He will have to be quiet but not able to understand what is happening. He will see everybody cry, especially you. It can be a traumatizing experience.
- For the other attendees, especially the suffering parents: they need silence and respect. A crying/whining/curious child could be a real disturbance for their last moments with their little one.
For your husband, I agree with him that you should not shield your son fro what is going on in your lives. You can explain to him, in his words and according to your religious beliefs, that his baby cousin died and that you are going to the funerals. He doesn't need to experience the traumatizing part that funerals are. If he would ask where babies come from, you would explain him (the same way, his words, your values) you wouldn't show him an adult movie. So, don't shield him, but don't expose him to more than he can take at 32 months.
I do believe that an older child, even by just a couple of years should go. But I don't think there is any reason for a child this young to go. In later years he'll remember nothing of today and in terms of understanding death, he won't for quite some time even staring it in the face. I don't think that he would be scarred or anything. But I don't think I would want to deal with the antics of a 2 and a half year old at such an emotional time. Your SIL might not want to deal with it either.
Oh Brenda, I am so sorry to hear of your families loss. When there are twins, it puts even more of a twist on the situation. Celebrating life while filled with grief. (((HUGS)))) and prayers to your family.
In regards to your post... If you are able, I do feel you should arrange daycare for your toddler. He is 2 years old and very BUSY. The funeral for babies are so different than Grandpa Bill. I have been to them and actually, many churches here will arrange for DayCare at the church during service. Yes, I do agree with your hubby in that you should not shield him, but the truth is you are already going through the emotional roller coaster so it will be no different than when you guys came home after meeting as a family. Yes he is closer to 3 than to 2, but even at his age, he will not make the connection with the funeral, death, dying and the funeral. Just something developmentally they can not comprehend. This is a 4 year old skill. So let your Toddler spend some special time with Grandpa and be there to support your brother/sister in-law. I do feel sometimes when these situations come up, that many people cling to their own children as they feel greatful to have them and feel the need to keep them closer.
Sorry again for the family loss. Help your "sister" get and keep many keepsakes from this baby. When I have worked with parents where this has happened, I have seen so many things that made memories... I have seen even ballon releases where they would tie a blue and pink balloon together and ties the "pink one in your case" higher and did a balloon release after the funeral with the "Pink living baby" carrying the "Blue spirited baby" to heaven. Many Blessings to you and the family.
I agree that he's not going to be a good sitter and/or listener and will probably be even more of a disruption than it's worth to have him there.
I also agree that he's just a little too young to go to something like this. Plenty of time to learn about death later when he can assimilate it better without internalizing it too much. You don't want to freak him out after all.