I have hostessd several small 'Girls Night Out'. At each of the three occastions, my friend. I will call 'Sandra' has initiated and exchanged cell numbers with three of my friends that she met there. They have gotten together for bbqs, shopping outlet trips, etc. without inviting me. Do I have a right to be upset at 'Sandra'?
So your friend has made friends that she just happened to meet at your house and you're upset that she didn't invite you to hang out with her and her new friends? Am I reading that right?
I say let it go. What if you meet someone at your kids' school, really hit it off and exchange numbers with the promise to get coffee later in the week. You're then talking to another friend and find out that your friend has been friends with this new friend for years...and now she's really upset because you're going out for coffee with her old friend and she wasn't invited. How would you feel?
What a rotten thing to do. We all know noone likes to be left out for any reason. But 1st be objective and find out the whole story. I would simply tell her you heard she got together with the others and was there a reason you weren't invited? You can base your actions from her response at that time.
ETA: You do know that "usurping" is when someone seizes and holds power BY FORCE over something with no legal right/authority, right? So unless these friends are having guns held to their heads...they aren't doing anything they don't want to do.
Rhonda:
What's wrong with Sandra expanding her social network?
No. I don't think you should be upset with Sandra. Your other friends are inviting her, right? She is not inviting herself?
Do you need to be invited to everything? What does it matter if she has made friends with your friends? She is "new" to them. Maybe they are trying to get to know her better. Heck...maybe your friends like her better - not trying to be mean - but that's entirely possible!
If Sandra is a good friend. Tell her you are upset and bothered that you are not being included in events with friends that you introduced her to....but really? I wouldn't stress over it. I love it when my friends expand their social network!
oh, i don't think you need to do that. just because you're the contact point doesn't mean you necessarily 'own' the burgeoning friendship. i can totally understand how you might feel a little hurt or left out, but that's not really their issue. if YOU want more time with any of these gals, set it up yourself!
i think you'll come off as petty and immature if you confront her and insist that you have a share in anyone you introduce to her. just relax and let yourself accept that their friendship is different, not superior, to yours.
khairete
suz
I can see why you would be upset but what she did really isn't wrong. She just made friends with them as well, ya know?
I wish I could find the right words, I agree, I would be upset too but I don't really think I would have a right to be upset. I guess I see it as if I am upset it means I think I have a right of ownership of my friends. They should not do things without me. Not sure if that makes sense. In the end I would end up mad at myself for being upset.
I don't think it's really your place to be upset. You sound jealous of them becoming friends. You like her, you like your friends, why wouldn't they have things in common.
Plus, as far as I can tell you have these in your hometown, that's not where you live now? If you do still live there then perhaps that would be awkward. But if you live out of town even a little bit then there are going to be activities they have all the time that you don't get invitations too.
That may be the issue. You have parties and invite them but they have parties and don't invite you? That would make me feel sad but the hostess of that party would need to tell you why you didn't get invited.
You don't really sound like you're very connected to this group of friends. That you only get together when YOU plan something. That would say to me they like to be around you occasionally but not every day?
Could you explain your living distance and why your friends don't invite you to their activities?
Holy 6th grade flashback!!
You are a GROWN woman. Get over it.
ETA*- If I am being considered "one of the bitchy ones" I am ok with that.
Personally I find the tit for tat to be pretty immature. You are going to exclude someone from functions because they are trying to make new friends?
I really cannot see them all ganging up and trying to exclude you. At least I hope most grown women dont act like this.
Why aren't you upset with the others as well? Seems they are just a guilty as Sandra.
Personally, my feelings would be hurt by all of them. However, I think you need to really figure out why you are upset. Are you upset with Sandra or all of them? If so, why don't you discuss it with them. Ask why you are being left out. I wouldn't ask Sandra, ask another friend who has gotten together with Sandra. You might find out that Sandra is behind the exclusion.
I think some people are being kinda mean to you (on this board). Yes - of course your feelings are hurt - you introduced her to your friends - and she in turn has "taken" your friends and not even given you the courtesy of letting you come along too.
My feelings would be hurt - it's human nature to feel sad when you are excluded.
That said - no - you don't own these friends and they can hang out with whomever they like. If it really bothers you send Sandra an email and ask why she hasn't invited you - or better yet - invite all of them to do something with you and see what happens.
I think it's kinda rude to just take up with your friends friends and not try to include them but sometimes people just click.
Good luck
You have the right to feel whatever you feel about Sandra.
But friends don't come with strings attached.
You would include the hostess friend forever? For a week? A year?
I've met some great women through other friends, and guess what? What I have now with those women IS a friendship. The original friend doesn't need to be included in everything we do, every conversation, etc.
I think if you say something, then you can kiss all of those friendships goodbye. Maybe they are true, great friends, maybe they're not--I don't know. I don't know them. You do!
Good luck!
I, without a doubt, think that she has done you a wrong...what nerve!!!! And, no, I would not invite her to future get togethers. Pfooy on her.
I say tell her. If she is a good friend she will care about how you feel. Don't be accusatory or play the vicitim. Stay away from things like "you made me feel..." or "because of you...". Instead try opening with "I felt insert emotion here when you and so-and-so didn't invite me to go shopping". Ask her what you both can do different to change this. She definitely needs to know your side.
Certain people being bitchy to you here, are often bitchy on this site.
Anyway, yes, that is tacky and wrong of her not to include you depending on the circumstance. I have met many people through one friend or another, and I don't move on to exclude the original friend. BUT, you can't exactly call her out on it, because you'll sound like the insecure bad guy. Just don't say anything, keep being nice to EVERYONE, and don't invite her to events where this behavior will bother you.
In the big picture, just because these people may do a few things without you doesn't mean they're not your friends anymore, so don't show any jealousy, and maybe just invite Sandra sometimes anyway knowing there is room in life for everyone to be friends. I have a very social friend who has met a few of my friends and then gone on to be even friendlier with them than I am. I don't mind. She's more social than me. They're still my friends.
Yes, I think Sandra is being a bit rude. Granted, you don't "own" your friends, but it is rather rude and hurtful for her to not invite you. I know it's hard to say something because you don't want to appear desperate, but perhaps you could say something like....oh, I heard you're getting together with ______, may I join you? Or...you could jokingly say...."Oh! You went and didn't invite me? Shame on you! I love that place...next time, put me on speed dial!"
This sounds much like all the girl stuff that goes on all through school...some things never change.
I haven't read the answers. My first instict is, eh, yeah I would be kind of left out and annoyed. But my gut feeling is oh well, we are too old for these petty jealousies. If you are confident in your friendships with the other women, who cares if they hang out alone without you? Sandra obvisouly knows how to make friends easily and go out on a limb to initiate. Good for her. Whats really wrong with making friends with new people at a mutual pals social event? That's how most people develop relationships... through common people they know.
I guess my final look at the situation, is: Does she invite ONE of your friends out to hang without you? No big deal. By no means do you need to be included. She's connecting with people. Great. Good job on you for being the social madam bringing women together. Is she getting the entire same group to hang out together (several women plus her but not you)? THEN that's a little different and I might consider telling her your feelings are hurt.
But if she is just hanging out with one person at a time, I think you keep your feelings to yourself and quietly stop inviting her if you must. That seems petty to me though.
Yeah, it's a little rude, and it'd probably bother me too. But friendships aren't monogamous. No one is cheating on anyone here. So, I'd be annoyed and frustrated too, but I'd try to keep a sense of humor about it and not let those feelings overwhelm me.
I understand your hurt feelings. But do you know what really went on between them? Isn't it possible that, for instance, Sandra and friend Y discovered that they share some mutual interest and went out together to pursue that? Or that Sandra and friend X found out they both just love to shop at a certain place, and set up a shoppting date together based on that common interest? Or that she and friend Z discovered their husbands/boyfriends/whatever had a common business connection and decided to get together with the guys to introduce them? The potential list could go on and on. In other words -- there could be many common interests and connections between Sandra and friends X, Y and Z that don't include your own interests or connections. They may never have consciously thought, "Let's exclude Rhonda," but instead may have been thinking, "We have so much in common between us, let's do something based on that common interest." Yes, it would have been nice to be invited to something with them, but I think you could assume the best, and not the worst, of the friends involved.
And as someone else noted -- why the anger toward Sandra and not the other three friends? Is she a particularly close friend with whom you expect to spend time? Or conversely, are the other friends closer to you than she is, and you expect them to spend time with you and not the new person they just met? Either way -- You do have a right to feeling upset, but try thinking through the many reasons they might have wanted to get together without someone else there. It very likely is not an intentional slight.
I agree with the people who say she is being rude. I'd think, at least on the first get together, she should invite you. If she connects with some of the other girls and wants to be their friends, she can pursue that and not have to include you each time.
It does seem a little like she is using your get togethers for the purpose of making new friends, and not necessarily being YOUR friend. I wouldn't invite her each time from now on, maybe every other time or once in a while. I'd also mention to her that you heard she had fun with so-and-so, that way she knows you are aware that you are not being included. She may think she's getting together with your friends without your knowledge.
I wouldn't disregard your post as being childish or anything like that. I think it's normal to feel this way about your friends and acquaintences. I think we'd all like to think we're "above" those thoughts, but I don't think any of us are.
No you don't have any right to be upset about it.
There are any number of reasons you weren't invited. Schedules, interests, whatever. It doesn't matter.
Continue to invite her. Be a good friend, or you stand to lose even more friends than just her.