My son is 10 and in 5th grade. There is a boy in his class that is always criticizing him. He says things to my son like: stop doing that Steven, when my son is messing around with his pencil; or today he said: Your so messy when you eat, pick up your crumbs. Unfortunately whenever he says something to my son, his friend says "yeah steven". So now he has two people picking on him instead of one. My son has mild aspergers and is not great at sticking up for himself. I have mentioned this behavior to the teacher and she talked with this boy. He stopped for a few days but now it is back on. My son hates it. It is affecting his self esteem. I wonder if this is considered bullying or if it is "normal" kid behavior for 5th grade. Do I keep interfering and talk to the teacher again or do I give my son time to handle it on his own?
Thank you in advance,
Joy
Also we have not told my son he has aspergers, we are doing that in a few weeks, so his class does not know this either. Just thought that was worth mentioning.
If it were one thing here and there I would not consider it bullying. But if it is constant and consistent then yes, I would consider it the beginnings of bullying.
The kid is intentionally going out of their way to find something that bothers your son and keeping at it. This kid is constantly looking for anything negative to say to or about your son. Just like constantly picking at a scab. It never gets better and it always bugs the person.
It is extremely easy for this kid to keep at it and find more and more things to pick at.
I grew up with this from the time I started kindergarten until we finally moved to another school district just before I started high school. Everyone brushed it off as me being the problem, not the kids picking on me. I finally snapped and bad things happened, I will not go into details at all.
Your son will need to learn how to deal with people, some of them unpleasant, but some people are just that degree of too much and those are the ones you need to be diligent about and nip in the bud before it gets bad. This kid sounds like he is working his way to being something worse along with his friend that is encouraging it.
It is normal behavior, it is easy to get your son's goat and at that age they love getting each other's goats.
Have you asked the teacher to change his classroom assignment. Maybe if they aren't sitting next to each other it won't be so easy for him to keep bugging your son.
I think you should role-play responses with your son. Even with Asperger's, he can learn some snappy comebacks to the other boys, that will effectively shut them up. If he doesn't have confidence, role-playing will be very useful. He needs to actually practice, out loud, so that he will be comfortable talking back to them.
My son would be the kid telling him to stop messing with the pencil and to clean up his crumbs. Not because he is a bully, but because he dislikes distractions and is grossed out by messy eaters. He tells his little brother these things every day. My son didn't eat lunch for several weeks straight because he was seated across from a kid who chewed with his mouth open. He told the kid every day to chew with his mouth closed, but it didn't change. I had to go to the principal and have the seating arrangement changed. The teacher may need to change the seating arrangement in your son's class.
This is not bullying from what I can tell. It sounds like you do need to teach your son to say "please don't say that anymore" or something of that nature. My dd had a team mate that constantly was bossing her around. I finally told her to tell her that she wasn't her coach and she would only do what the coach said. Can't he sit somewhere else? You can talk with the teacher again...maybe they can be separated.
I agree with the poster below who said that it may be that his behavior IS a problem for this other child, not that the child is trying to bully.
My son is easily bothered by someone fidgeting, or the ticking of a loud clock, or ____ if the room is quiet, it is a distraction. He cannot do homework if his sister is anywhere nearby and making ANY noise. It's hard.
Same thing with the food. He has a weak stomach for anything gross. He threw up once walking by our dog's bowl. He just caught a whiff of it just the wrong way. He cannot sit in front of someone who eats with their mouth open, or has gross things visible. He will not be able to eat.
The other kid may be "piling on"... but I wouldn't call it bullying.
It might be best if the teacher moved one or more of the kids so that they are not seated by each other, however.
But if your child has poor table manners, that needs to be addressed. If it is poor table manners, it won't matter whom he is seated next to. They won't like it, either. Though they may not be as vocal about it.
(I am NOT saying that it IS your son's FAULT. Just that there are 2 sides to every story... and maybe the other kid is trying to be proactive about a difficult situation for HIM.)
Good luck.
Kids are pretty honest about pointing out behaviors they find annoying, and it sounds like this is what's happening here.
I don't think it's bullying, I think your son needs to learn how his actions affect others, and I think the other boy needs to be more sensitive to your son's issues.
Hopefully, between you, the teacher, the other boy's parents and the boys themselves you can work it out.
I'd tell the teacher it must stop now. That he is entrusted in her care for those hours and she needs to address this now. He may need someone in the cafeteria to be aware of this too.
If he had a 504 plan with the school this would be one of those issues that would be written into their responsibilities.
Are you son's table manners lacking? Be honest. If so, model good eating manners. The boys may stop verbally saying things to him, but silent treatment and isolation are also forms of bullying. Good luck.
I don't think it's "bullying," but it needs to stop.
Seems there are always kids who think they're "in charge" or "helpers" for the teacher.
Yes, I would email the teacher to let him/her know this is happening again,
But I'd also empower my son to respond effectively to this know-it-all when it happens.
Your son needs to know that while this kid is a classmate, he's not "in charge of him." And role play with him so he can express that himself.
Good luck!
I think it is somewhat normal especially if your son "messing with his pencil" is distracting the boy or others in some way. The issue with crumbs can just be a case of they've noticed he's overly messy and leave the crumbs for others to pick up. Because it keeps happening, and especially if it escalates, it could become bullying but I'm not sure it is at this point.
I think things will change after you tell your son about the Aspbergers.
Then the teacher will have some leeway to turn the situation around and shift the dynamic of the class. There are usually some kind of social skills classes in schools that will help your child monitor some of his own behaviors, too.
It might be a relief to your son to know that there is a reason that he has some trouble recognizing and reacting to social cues.
The other kid will have to be told that his behavior is unacceptable. It is unkind to do what he is doing but not really bullying.
A teacher can't be having to monitor every conversation of 30 kids. She's only human.
Funny - I say that to my kids all the time. Stop fidgeting. Take a normal sized bite so you don't get crumbs everywhere. Clean up after yourself when you eat.
I don't think it is bullying. The term "bully" is thrown around way to much.
He is at the age when other kids will say something to him if he is bothering them. Heck, I have been known to tell my daughter to eat differently so she does not make such a mess, stop fidgeting around, etc.
Kids have a way with working on each other. For instance my daughter had a friend who was little miss perfect as far as her room and everything was in order. My daughter has not been that way all of her life but when that friend happened to see my daughter's messy closet and said something, my daughter was embarrassed and you know what... she cleaned that closet and to this day, keeps things in order.
If the behavior is bothering your son, he needs to tell his friends to STOP.
My 10 year old was diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD last year. We told him right away and explained it all to him. But, that was OUR choice.
Sounds like normal kid behavior....for now. If it keeps going though it can very easily turn to bullying.
I would strongly suggest you get him into a martial arts. My whole family does ATA (American Taekwondo Association) Taekwondo. We get a quarterly magazine and in every one there are stories about how Taekwondo has helped kids on the Autism Spectrum.
http://ataonline.com/
If you click on the Schools tab at the top, you can find schools close to where you live.
Hi. It sounds like the other child is talking to your child like his parents talk to him....Hmmmm...but now to your child. I would alert the teacher to 'guide' the other child to treat his peers more kindly and with more patience. I am sure he is with this way with everyone.