How to Deal with an 18 year old living at home

Hello mamas. I really need some advice on how to go about handling my daughter who is 18 and living at home. She is a responsible person who has a part-time job, has her own car, and will be entering junior college this fall, and is EXTREMELY sociable. She lives at home with my husband and I, but we are having trouble where she is putting her social life as a priority. We had set her curfew at 1 a.m. on weekends while she was a senior, but now that she is out of high school and on summer vacation, she is coming home from parties, or get togethers between 1 a.m. and 1:30 a.m just about every night! I set my alarm to wake me up at 1:15 a.m. just to make sure she is home. I worry because she is not doing anything good at these parties. She enjoys drinking alcohol (but doesnt not drink and drive.) and also notice she likes pot too. I've caught her high a couple of times. She likes to go out a lot and rarely likes to bring her friends over because she says her friends would want to drink and since I don't allow it in my home, then she rather be at a friends house who do allow it, or parents are not home. I worry and I don't like her behavior and wish she could focus on college. My husband said just to let her do her thing, because she just graduated HS and is in an euphoria state. He says in the Fall when college begins that she will have a full load of classes and that will hopefully put her focus more on school, and if not, then he will make sure to switch her focus to school. I also worry about her drinking and pot smoking. Any ideas how to help her get away from that? My daughter is the type of person who will not take NO for an answer and will battle with me. She wants her freedom so badly and resents she has to live at home still because she cannot afford to move out. She is a young adult and we've given her more freedom. We've brought her up in a strict environment within reason. Her friends parents are lienient and don't really have curfews for their daughters which doesn't help my case.

I don't want my daughter coming home every night at 1 a.m. every night. It's bad enough that she is out every night. I don't think being out every night is a good thing. What would you do? Should I put a limit on how many nights she can come home at 1 a.m.? I feel she treats our home like a hotel/restaurant and hardly ever spends time with her dad and me, but I guess that is normal for a person her age. I need guidance on how to handle this situation so any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!!

I have to tell you, having a new adult child can be more challenging than a willful 3 year old. Unfortunately like a 3 year old you need to set the boundaries and pray hard that they will follow them. I have 5 children over the age of 21 now so I can DEFINITELY sympathize!
She is 18, legally adult, you are no longer obligated to care for her if she will not accept the rules of your home and they can be as follows (these were the rules in my own home);
A. If you are not 21 you are not allowed to drink, period. It is against the law as well as stupid if she is driving drunk. Pot is also out, PERIOD.
B. You set the curfew, if she is late she gets locked out and can find another place to stay the night. That may mean you getting a deadbolt that only works from the inside of the house or changing the locks.
C. Your home is not a hotel or resturant, if she wants to live there she has to do chores as well as help with the cooking. And if she has a job it is high time she pay rent and buy groceries.
D. If she wished to continue on to college then she will be a good girl and follow your rules this summer, if she does not then she can pay her OWN way through college.
E. If she makes it through the summer you will pay all college fees including books but she has to keep her part-time job AND keep her grades up. She fails one class then you are done helping her, PERIOD.

If she can't abide by any of this you may want to give her a 30 day notice. That seems harsh but sometimes you need to be harsh to make them shape up.
Part of being a good parent is doing the hard thing and this is definitely one of those hard things. I feel for you dear, my 22 year old son is doing the same thing to his father right now! Sometimes the best thing the momma bird can do is put a foot in the baby birds rear and push them out of the nest so they will fly!
Please let us know how it goes. What I can tell you is that 5 years from now she will come back and tell you that you being hard on her was one of the best things that could ever have happened to her. =) Free will...gotta love it.

You wrote that your daughter is a "responsible person" and then you detailed how she breaks the law every single night, and ignores the house rules and the feelings (she knows you worry and disapprove, but her entertainment is more important to her) of those who are paying for the roof over her head, and most of the food that goes in her mouth, etc. She is NOT a responsible person, in other words. I think what you really mean is that you are proud of her in a lot of ways and you think she could be worse. You're right, she sounds pretty okay--better than my teen in some ways, honestly--but I would not classify her as responsible. Responsible people don't flaunt laws and authority...they might for moral/civil disobedience maybe, but not for fun, or because they think they deserve it, or because their friends do it, which seems to be her reasoning.
I think Helen D may be correct (with her ABCD plan)...but I also think your husband has a point in that she MAY settle down when school starts. There is no way of knowing, though, because sometimes bad habits turn into long-term habits!
No one enjoys having strict parents, but often they are best parents to have because of the lessons they teach by their strictness. What she needs to know is that being 18 doesn't make her independent. Actually being independent makes her independent---that means not letting her parents take care of her and provide what she needs, but doing it for herself. Until she is prepared to do that, she must follow rules, without complaint. If she treated her employer and she treats her parents, she would be fired! That's reality.
Whatever you decide, most of all, you and your husband need to be a united front. If she senses she can divide and conquer, she will do just that. So if you can't agree on changes now, then go with your husbands plan--but warn her about what is expected, and then stick to it.

My 18 year old son has just come home from Southern California after trying to move out on his own, and not being able to find a job. He had a little money left him by a grandparent, and he blew it all, then couldn't find a job. He enrolled in junior college, and then dropped out after a few weeks. He has been staying out late, partying, and sleeping all day, and trying to support himself by doing tattoos.

I haven't said a word, because I already made clear to him that if he wants the privileges of an adult, then he has to take on some of the responsibilities, too. I already told him that tattooing is not a job that is going to support him, particularly since he doesn't have a license or a studio. And I told him that starting next month, he will have to pay me room and board every month, and unless and until he is enrolled in school full time, he will have to pay me room and board, or he will have to move out.

I haven't put any curfew on him, or tried to get him to spend time with me, but this is not a hotel---as long as he's in my house, he has to do his share of the chores, and he has to pick up after himself, and he has to mind my house rules--- basically, his friends are always welcome, but no alcohol or weed on the premises, and no tattooing of people under 18 in my house.

He already knows that I don't like him drinking and getting high, and he knows why, so lecturing him about it would just be counterproductive. Sooner or later, he will figure out that all this partying and carrying on gets in the way of real life. I figured it out, thirty years ago, and so will he.

I think this is only fair, because I have always told him that when he's 18, I won't be telling him what to do anymore, and I'm not telling him what to do. I'm just letting him know that if he wants to party all night and lay around all day, he can't do it for free in my house.

I agree with your husband.

I think you'll have to let her experiment a little with drinking and pot smoking - to an extent those behaviors are normal. She is legally an adult. My kids have all told me that "everyone" at their high school smokes pot (and my kids don't, but I know no one will believe that), so basically drinking and smoking pot are normal activities. I know everyone smoked pot to some degree when I was a kid in the 70's, and that didn't make us all flunk out of school or become addicts.

Like your husband says, wait till Fall, and see how she performs in school. If she's only goofing off then you can decide how much, if anything, you want to support. I would wait a year to decide this.

The 1:00 a.m. thing would bother me too, mostly because I worry a lot and can't sleep until they're home. However, it's summer, and she's on vacation right now. She won't be able to stay up every night once school starts.

I have had my share of kids moving back in after they leave the nest. If she won't follow your rules, throw her out. She's old enough to follow rules, or live on her own. Why should your household and stress levels be destroyed just because she wants to party?

Dear Lisa: All of the answers' you have received so far are about average. She is 18, finished High School and is going to College, which in these days you should be proud. The only thing that concerns me is that she won't bring her friends home. Is it because you don't allow drinking in your home. Sometimes you have to give a little. My last son who is now 22 had his friends over, had their parties out back. At least I knew he was home safe and sound and better that you know exactly whats going on. I do worry about her pot smoking, yes I know all or most teenagers' try it but hopefully she doesn't continue with it or onto something else. There is no point in you setting your alarm to make sure she is in, your only stressing yourself out and giving her a belief that you don't trust her. You have to keep that trust going and be open and candid with her. Let her know your on her side and your love for her is unconditional, maybe these words alone will make her stop and think. Take care and shut the alarm off especially if your meeting her at the door questioning her. Remember "trust". Sometimes they have to learn on their own, we can't always hold their hand. You should also be thankful that she doesn't drink and drive, then I would be setting the alarm!!
Calm down, life is a learning process for all of us, thats why we are here.

We had the same problem with our son. He also had a marijuana problem for 2 years, which became an addiction. He started skipping school, and flunked 2 courses. We had to kick him out. He quit marijuana and came back home. I do not think that things will change with your daughter when school starts, if this has become her way of life. Maybe you need to tell her that your home is not a hotel, and that if she is not willing to follow the house rules, then she needs to earn her own living, and live on her own. You make things too easy for her to just do whatever she wants. Maybe you could suggest that she goes out only on Friday & Saturday nights, and get into some sport or productive activities during week days. Maybe let her know she needs some balance in her life, otherwise she will have a hard time when she starts college. Allowing drinking at your place would not be a bad thing, but with moderation. Anyway, I think that having spiritual and/or Christian values also helps. I wish you the best. Pascale (from Montreal: I could not put a Canadian postal code!)

very simple she live at home she has to obey the house rules, done

Lisa G.,
I would love to hear how things have gone for you and your daughter. I am dealing with the exact same things at the moment, and feel it will never end.
Our daughter is newly 18, had an offer of a full ride to a university if she kept a 3.0, which she has brazenly allowed to drop. Pot, alcohol and sex top the list of deceitful actions, and I don't know of any things I HAVEN'T found.

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? I MISS my daughter!

Joan

Tell her that as long as she is under your roof that she has to follow the rules. She is no longer a child and has to take responsibilities for her actions. Reinforce your rules with consequences and stand by them till death, and she will take it seriously and conform. Practice tough love. God will look after her and He loves her much more than you, and please don't get in His way of helping her to be a better person.

If she is 18 she is responsible for herself. Sounds like you have an alcoholic daughter! Don’t let her in your house unless she is sober. Go to Al Anon.

Wow! Your daughter is acting just like mine. She is 18 and in her final semester in high school. I do ask her to be home at 11 during the week and 12 on weekends. It is always a fight to get her home. My husband agrees with me but I usually am the enforcer. Everyone says to put your foot down. She lives in your home so she needs to follow your rules. How can I do this without pushing her out the door? My daughter keeps threatening us that she will move out. I am afraid if she does, she will not go to college.

I agree. Parents with no rules for their daughters makes my life hard. I am constantly fighting this also.

My daughter doesn’t drink but has started doing Pot. Her boyfriend is a heavy user and supplies it for her. I am worried she will follow his footsteps.

My daughter also rarely brings friends around. She says our house is boring. That means I don’t allow her to entertain the opposite sex in her bedroom. Her boyfriend never comes over. If I see him somewhere like at school, he doesn’t even acknowledge me.

I need advice.

I am wishing you all the luck in the world as I am going through a similar situation with my newly 18 year old son. He has already been in juvenile 3 times and knows that he will go to jail if he gets into any more trouble. He has not let that intimidate or change his mind about doing whatever he wants to do. I hear a lot of people saying to set guidelines but guidelines have always been there and they did not stop him before. It seems that he is just looking for a way to break me. As soon as we get one thing resolved he moves on to something else and causes more stress in the household. I am a single parent, I work full time and can not be there to watch him 24/7. I have 2 other children to raise and my youngest child is disabled and requires a lot of attention. At this point I don’t really know what to do!!! His dad is not helpful at all and is upset that he had to pay child support and would give anything to see me down. He criticizes my son and I all of the time and is not willing to help at all. Every since he started paying child support he has been trying to figure out a way to get out of paying and tells my son that he begs too much whenever he asked him for anything in the past. Even if it was something he needed for school.

If your daughter at 18 lives at home. Besides the fact you didn’t say she was paying rent to you, and also she lives with you… As my husband said to my girls, you live with us , I pay the bills here, you will abide by the rules here. Or you get your own place to life. Also if she is drinking that much she has a problem. Please get help for her

First marijuana is legal where I live medically and recreation. As for alcohol teens tend to drink during highschool/college period before outgrowing the party fun time. As a teen I know it was illegal and I was responsible in who, where, and what I was doing and often babysat my friends. I knew I was experimenting but wasn’t going to stick with it and would outgrow that stage of my life and I did. Before finishing college. My son went to live with his dad when he was 12, against my wishes. While living there his dad, step-mom and their friends had him drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, weed, and tried getting him to use Meth. His dad took his condoms I’d got him, my son wasn’t active yet but I wanted him ready, so when he finally became sexually active he became a Dad. My son didn’t like how the drugs and alcohol made the adults act and chose not to smoke Meth, or drink anymore, because his father was violent or crying from withdrawal or coming down. His dad abused him and his brother’s, finally breaking my sons nose for trying to protect his brother and my son came home. Since he’s been here he has had issues with truancy but once I told him he’s almost a man and no matter what I want him to do only he can decide what steps he’s going to take and take them but the wrong ones will take you a long time and a sad painful path when simply doing it is faster, less stress, and diploma that’ll make other life steps much easier. He’s open with me about what he does or doesn’t do and people he’s around. He smokes cigarettes, says he’d smoke weed if he had it, but doesn’t smoke it even with his friends at school. He hasn’t had gf in two years doesn’t like girls here, doesn’t go out and party, doesn’t drink, hasn’t smoked weed since moving here although now that he’s 18 I don’t mind if he does as long as he doesn’t come home stoned or do it at home around his sister’s or bring weed in my house. He doesn’t even go to friends after school often. Maybe once or twice a school year. If he didn’t come straight home from school he’s at YMCA or talking with friends outside there or minimart before heading home to get the wood cut and brought in before the storms, make sure living room is clean, sisters are doing they’re chores, feed and water pets, and if no one else home make dinner and fire for the night. I gave him 10pm curfew when he moved in. Hasn’t changed since he’s home by6pm. He goes to school and is working hard to get his diploma but would rather be working. He knows if he drops out, gets expelled, or no longer has school he has to get a job. He hasn’t yet because he has to help me and take care of the house and sisters after school and his grandparents if they need work or help too. He plays video games, does school, and takes care of us without drugs and alcohol. He knows what I did as a teen, and figures he had his fun time already and I admire him for that yet feel bad he has so much responsibility. He’s even switched from smoking to vaping to stop smoking and is trying to get me to also. He doesn’t even take pills prescribed to him or not because drs give him stuff due to injury from his dads abuse, but he doesn’t want to be like his dad who also used copious amounts of pills and drugs. You said when your daughter was in school she was responsible and even now with the party she won’t drink and drive. That says to me that what you’ve taught her is working. Yes she is social party person at the moment while she’s in limbo between high school and college. She’s taking her break and contemplating what career she’s going to. She’s experimenting like most but it usually few months until starting school or job that will give her responsibility again. On that part you need to let yourself rest at night, and trust you taught her well. She may be half hour to hour late but she’s getting ride home and trying to stay close to the curfew or she wouldn’t come home at all or at 5-7a.m. as far as living with you and not going to school then I agree she needs to get a job and pay her part, plus she can save up for vehicle maintenance and cost of living at college. Once there she’s going to be fine and focused.

Well I have enjoyed reading some of these responses. Some are helpful and some not so much. One thing I know is every situation is different. I also know that my daughter did not turn into an adult the moment she turned 18! I tell her she is now an adult in training… so let the training begin! I am a single parent and there is no father in the picture, and the one thing you have going for you is back up and someone to talk thing through with. I guess the first thing would be for you and your husband to get on the same page so you can support each other in a common decision. It’s always better to have strength on your side. You and your husband sound like good people that love their daughter very much, keep letting her know that.
Some of the things that scare me about my daughter are the things I can’t do much about… when we were kids our parents didn’t have to contend with social media. Crap on the internet!!! Our kids are so overly stimulated by the time they are 18 that they are living in a crazy dream world, it’s so hard as parents to help them distinguish from what is real and what is not.
Here is a few thing that are helping me thru this crazy parenting jouney: 1- journaling, been doing it for seven years now and I can’t tell you how much it helps! It helps me see the events happening a little clearer. 2- I got chickens, and I am raising them because I wanted to. Doing it for me and it is a very enjoyable hobby. Find yourself something to make you feel good, because your a great mom and deserve to have a positive distraction. 3- laugh, laugh and laugh some more at how crazy some of the stuff these crazy kids come up with!!! OMG they can be so stupid sometimes!!! It will make you crazy!!! I think it’s a good day if I let my kid live another one. Hope something I said helps someone out! Keep the peace!