My husband and I are at a crossroads about our day-to-day finances. I am looking for ideas on how others budget, handle checkbooks, who decides how much is OK to spend...
Some info about our problem: My husband has always been lean and mean and does not like to spend money on anything material like clothes, furniture, home improvement, extraneous items of any kind, dining out, etc. He is OK with spending on food, Target and Sam's Club. I, as the female, am in charge of grocery shopping, preparing meals, and any shopping for the house, kids and myself. Therein lies the problem: I spend it and he controls it.
My DH does not have any idea how much groceries, kids clothes, my clothes or haircuts cost. Whenever I buy clothes for me or the kids or something for the house he goes crazy. He likes to be in charge of the checkbook and credit card and looks online every day to see what I spend. I get a hard time for anything except buying food. He keeps the checkbook with him but gets mad if I don't record all of my spending in it from debit card expenses (I can never find it!!). I have asked many times for more control in handling the budget and the way we pay bills but he just gets defensive and says I don't "do it right."
To top things off, I am now working part time, which gives us extra money and makes me more determined to get a little control of the way we handle things since I am contributing also. I would love suggestions on how you handle your checkbook (joint or separate?), if you have your own "budget" for things you want to buy for yourself and general ideas on how to make handling our money not such an anger-producing thing. Thank you!
Me and my husband always argued about finances and money that was pretty much the only fights we would have. I decided to do the Dave Ramsey Total money makeover and we are doing great not only getting rid of debt but communicating and knowing where all of our money is going. Start a budget and you tell you money where to go!! Good Luck!
Well the first thing I did was I had my husband go grocery shopping- even though he hated it. I also had him buy clothes for our kids. Once he saw how much those things cost and that I wasn't just splurging and w really needed the stuff- he calmed down. As for spending on myself... I really don't do hat too much unless I have my own money (like from my part-time job) etc. Maybe have a joint checkbook for groceries and things pertaining to the children/house and have yourself your own that you can buy things for yourself?
Sounds familiar! =) My husband used to control all of our finances, but I got so sick of asking if I could buy something and his answer would ALWAYS be, "No, we can't afford it." I make a good salary, so it made me wonder why we couldn't afford anything (such as groceries, clothes for the kids at Target, etc.). After asking some questions, I realized that he wasn't really keeping track. It was all in his head, which is no good way to manage finances!
Well, here's how I solved it. I installed Quicken on our home computer (you can go to Quicken.com and buy it for $50ish). I got us set up for online banking at our bank (free). I downloaded all of our transactions from the bank into Quicken. I set up online bill pay in Quicken. This way, I can plan out the whole month in Quicken, such as rent payment, credit card payments, tuition, water bill, you name it. I also set up our expected deposits (our paychecks). This way I can see what the cash flow is. I set up our paychecks so that a certain percentage goes into savings before it ever hits our checking account (check with your employers to set this up). So once I have set up our payments and savings deposits, what's left is ours to spend, whether it's for groceries, clothing, haircuts or whatever.
It did take some doing to wrestle control of the checkbook away from my husband, but by using Quicken on our home computer, both he and I can see what's going on and how much money we have at any given time. I think he was relieved to have a good solution to all of his worrying, actually. Also since Quicken will reconcile your accounts for you, it makes balancing your checkbook a breeze. One click and it's done.
If your husband won't agree to this, I would question what he's spending money on that he doesn't want you to know about.
Wow, been there and DONE that! We are going on 29 years of marriage! It's a battle, let me tell you. I went through the same thing. I rebelled. When I spent too much on groceries, he and the kids had hot dogs for a week. You'd be surprised how many ways you can fix a hot dog!! As for clothes, I made him go with me on one huge shopping trip. We had 4 kids, three boys and a girl. (He hates shopping) Told the kids they didn't get school clothes until Daddy went too......when I needed little things for the kids or food, I made him stop on the way home from work to get it.....had to come out of his "allowance" he had from his check for his expenses until the next pay check. He couldn't believe what a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread and a couple of pounds of hamburger costs.
Getting the picture yet? I suddenly was too busy to do everything, and buy everything......he took the boys to get there hair cut, because I was too busy. I gave him some money and told him to bring me back the change. (I gave him the right amount), when I was told it wouldn't be that much, I said, fine, gave him less and told him anything over that he paid out of "his" money.
Eventually, I was in charge of the bills and the check book. If they kids wanted something that I knew he would be upset or mad about, they had to get his permission and they had to explain why......this took up way to much of his time, and he didn't like it. I fought back nicely, but fairly.
As for the debit card thing, put them in a special place in your purse, the receipts, like I do, and I carry the checkbook. Then I can go back, pull them out and record them.
As for "your money".......what I did was I would look at what I made, then said, ok, I will pay, this bill and that bill. Which still left me money over for me for the time until the next pay. And once in a bit, I would take us out to eat.....if he didn't want to go, I left him. He finally decided to come after the kids kept asking why he didn't want to come and spend time with them.
You know him better than I do, but there are ways. He still complains about money and that I spend too much, but it's not at all like it was before. And he spends a bit now, so I have something to say when he starts complaining.
Hang in there......stand your ground, tell him he isn't your father, and that you will do better. Also, come up with a dollar amount, you won't spend over this amount of money on this or that with out talking to him first. This will be a battle for a bit, but after while, that gets old for them too.......And if you can create a budget, show it to him and stick to it, you'll get a little more respect. Just make sure you include things that will pop up in the future, men don't usually budget for the prom, or softball uniforms.
Well when I started working part time I didn't want to put the money I made in the regular account because I wasn't sure how long I would be working and I didn't want us to become dependant on that money to pay bills so we opened up a seperate account and the money from my paychecks went in there. This account was specifically for "extra things"; clothing ,birthday party gifts, evenings out, fun time with the kids, etc. Notice the "we" and not "my money" if you get into my money your money it will cause division!
Also, maybe happen to be busy or at work one day when the kids desperately need a haircut or clothes so he has to take them. That way he will know the actual cost of stuff. My father use to do the same thing to my mother, but then when he took us shopping he just let us pick out whatever we wanted! LOL! My mom never let him take us again. The bill was really big!
There are also plenty of money programs for your computer you can buy. If you keep your checkbook on there you both can handle it. When you spend on the card then you can go enter it in the computer and he won't get mad at you for not entering it. Its more accessable than a checkbook he carries around. These programs also have budgets you can formulate as well as charts to see exactly how much is being spent in each catagory or store. A good on is called Quicken.
I'd say come up with a budget together and as long as you stick to it you should not have to report to him. The check book should be kept somewhere stable where you both have access to it at all times. In my mind there is also no reason to write what you spend in the checkbook if you or he checks each day online. I can't really tell you what to do because I actually am responsible for all the money at our house. My husband really only ever shops for himself, and for presents for others. I pay all the bills and buy everything we need so he never really knows where our money goes. Being the responsible person is no fun either, but at least we don't fight.
Make a budget: income monthly / expenses monthly and write things down daily, weekly, monthly. Staples has a variety of budget books. Pick the one you like best. Do your best even if only you pay attention. Look for good communication times. I thought we would talk about everything (kind of a woman thing) but sometimes it is better to just talk about one section of the budget. Later on another might come up and you will have some solid info.
Check out Dave Ramsey financial peace university. You should be able to find a 10 week (I think that's the length) course in your area. Great information & a great forum for support. It's been great for my husband & I & has really helped us prioritize our expenses. My husband no longer fusses about my spending because it's in the budget. Good luck.
ha ha ha. I guess there is something wrong with me. I am the one who does the budget, pay the bills, etc. I am the one who is saying "no, we can't really afford to go to the movie this w/e." He is all "we need to go on a vacation!" and " We have $5 in our checking account? hmmm.. how can we spend it?" He spends an ungodly amount of money on.. STUFF. And anytime he finds out I want something, he doesn't just buy me what I want, he goes way beyond. I was trying to convince myself it was okay to spend $70 on an MP3 palyer to take to the gym to start working out again. He found out I was looking at them and tried to buy me a $300 one. I'm trying to pay off debt and save money. He just likes to live for NOW and have fun.
HE is just now (13 years of marriage) starting to think before he spends. we have 3 kids. And I guess I'm becoming less of a tightwad.
I think you just need to sit down together and show him where the money goes. Show him grocery receipts and stuff. Good luck!
In our household, my husband does most of the money-related stuff because he is better at it. He has a degree in economics, although that's not what his job is in. He has taken the time to show me how to access all the credit card statements online even though I never will. He's the one who clips coupons, goes grocery shopping, takes my son for a haircut, looks for good deals online(fatwallet.com). It's almost like a sport to him. The budget is all there in his brain and I trust him.
This works fine because we make most decisions together and I am just as concerned about spending too much money. He'll tell me he's thinking of buying something. I'm the one who says no we don't need a new computer, car, stove or TV- even if it is a good deal the old one works fine. I cut my own hair and I'd rather have dinner at home. I even try to avoid shopping by myself so I don't buy impulse items.
The one problem that we still have is that if I buy something on a credit card, he will know about it by the end of the day. He doesn't get mad that I bought something, it's more that I used the "wrong" credit card and didn't get points. Then I get mad and go shop at the thrift store with cash and don't tell him.
my husband never had anything to do with $$....he didnt know how much i spent on a anything or how much the bills were, not even the mortgage.....but he has expensive taste & when i would tell him we dont have the money he would be upset saying "i make good money" i dont understand what you are doing with the money....so i found out about dave ramsey & found a class in our area (it's 13 weeks)....i convinced him to go & now i have created a monster....we got quicken too......i HIGHLY recommend the class there is also an online class, it will really help your marriage
I do all of the bills and take care of the day-to-day expenses like groceries. Even though my husband really doesn't look over the account like yours does, I like to spend cash when I splurge so he doesn't know what I spent. You said you are working part time. Can you cash those checks and put a certain amount in the checking account and then keep some for yourself as cash?
my husband does the bills, and he is the breadwinner. he also likes to go grocery shopping (go figure), but i write the list (as specific as possible or he'll wander off and bring me something bla). we do costco together (i love just going to costco). he has no more say than i do in what needs to get spent. he knows i use sales and coupons for almost everything. i take about 500 dollars a month for clothes for kids (2), whatever doesn't get spent, gets put onto the next month's 500 for clothes (we never spend 500 a month, so there is always leftover money that i use for little things i do with kids, like ice cream outings, lunches with my daughters) etc.
we, as a family, dine out (lunch) on weekends. we don't want to waste our weekends cooking around for lunch and dinner. we have two places we like to go to which aren't overtly expensive but aren't restaurant chains either.
for big items like cars, furniture, vacations etc, is a joint decision. my husband likes to spend. so he needs restraint. if it were up to him, he'd change his cars every year. or it's been two years now that he has been wanting to finish our basement. i want it finished too but there is no way i will dig in our savings to have that done.
so, all said, we all decide, but i have the final say. if we're on opposite opinions, then what i say goes (only because i am more reasonable when it comes to purchasing).
good luck
Well, the way we do things in my house is like this: I buy the necessary things like toilet paper, paper towels, laundry detergent, dish detergent, etc. My husband knows when I buy it. I let him know the night before, or I send him a text message letting him know. I try to buy the cheapest stuff, too. Saving money is important. I don't buy clothes unless he's with me. For the most part, I don't like to. Also, I don't really need to buy clothes that often. I wait for summer time and hit yard sales and things like that. New clothes are expensive and don't last long. Also, my husband cuts the kids' hair, his hair, and my hair. Buying furniture should be something you do together, too. As far as food, I try not to spend more than $100.00 a week. So far, things have worked out good. There have been a couple of times when I've splurged and bought things we didn't really need, but I've always tried to let my husband know when and how much it cost. It's not really about control, for the most part. It's about saving money. Even when you get extra money, it's better to save it and stick it away then to spend it. So, I would just let him know that there are certain things that you need to buy for the house (toilet paper, paper towels, detergent, etc.), and the other things that you'd like to buy, you'll discuss with him first and get his opinion. If he says you don't need it right now, you probably don't. As women, I think we tend to buy way more things than we need to. I don't think it can be helped. We're women. LOL I hope this advice helped. Good luck!
We have three accounts - one for me, one for him and the third is joint and only used for any home expenses which include groceries, mortgage, gas, water, etc. and entertainment (which is going to an inexpensive restaurant in our neighborhood), as well expenses for our son. We each agreed to a certain amount each month in each of our own accounts that we use in any way we want (its not much but it gives us freedom to spend on little fun things here and there). We also have a joint credit card that is only to be used for home expenses (groceries etc.) and is paid in full every month. My husband does the budgeting with my input and keeps tabs on our budget but so far so good. I'm a stay at home mom now, but was working prior to staying at home and also earned more so we did take a cut in income but still continued the way we do things financially.We decided early on in our marriage that we didn't want money to be an issue so we planned it in a way that we both are happy. Good luck!
Hi Jenny! The way your husband is reacting is not healthy. Finances are a shared thing, and he is wrong to get upset at you for buying things that your family needs. And it's okay to buy things that you want too, within reason.
Sitting down to do the budget is a great idea. Make sure you each have some cash for incidentals and have a joint checking account AND separate accounts.
Ask him why he gets so angry and let him know how he makes you feel. My husband is a money and numbers whiz and early in our marriage he didn't seem to understand that I managed my money beautifully before he came along! :) I had to tell him that I felt guilty for buying ANYTHING and that he made me feel like a child instead of an adult. He was appropriately grieved that he made me feel so badly!
He needs to trust you and respect you enough to not be controlling. You are his WIFE, not some untrustworthy employee.
Dear Miss Jenny, Money is the route of all evil they say, But without it we can't live. Finances are one cause of divorce today. When you do the grocery shopping make a list and stick directly to the list with no extras, try giving your children haircuts instead of going to a salon. Set certain spending limits to what you buy and how much you can spend per month, per person, if needed.
Also your husband needs to set a limit on the amount of money he spends each time he goes "shopping". Don't shop at Target or Sams Club. Try going to some lower cost retail shops, and buy just the basic needs not wants. Try taking the extra money that you save from the bargain shopping and put it in a special Account towards something that you really want or need, but don't tell your husband that you have done this and see just how much money you can save compared to what he allows you to spend. Once you have started saving this then you can purchase what you want or use it for an emergency fund if needed.
Miss Jenny, you are a grown woman who is capable of managing money and a household while working part-time. Your husband should be proud of you because there are a lot of women who aren't able to do the things you do. I was a mother of 2 girls,who was in college and worked 3rd shift at a hospital. That was in 1998. I know what is is like to have to sacrifice, struggle and do without.
I am now remarried to a wonderful man who i have taught how to save money by cutting back on the utilities and other things. We are a 1 income family that lives in a brick home with a morgage payment just like everyone else. I will gladly tell you how we cut back and how i taught him how to save money. Hint: Our power bill went from $300.00 per month to $70.00 per month average now. If you are interested just ask. I hope this helps you. God Bless you.
I never could understand a married couple who have separate checking accounts. We have one checking account and I pay all the bills, since I have a financial backgound. In our relationship I'm the saver and he's the spender. In the beginning of our marraige when money was tight, we sat down and put together and made somewhat of a budget. We agreed neither of us would spend over $30 without first discussing it with each other. We each took enough money each week to cover gas for the cars, lunch out one day a week, and a little extra "mad money".
In your situation, I suggest you enlighten your husband on the cost of items. Give him the receipts for the groceries, clothing, hair cuts, toiletries, etc. Is it possible that he feels you may be spending more than necessary? For example he may feel that $50 is ok for kids clothes and your spending $75. I think it's time to sit down and come to some compromises.
Another thought, there's no reason to record the debit card expenses in the checkbook, if he has the control of the checkbook, simply give him the receipts so he can record them.