I would like to get some advice on what we should do. How do you divide up time between parents and in-laws as far as holiday visits? Ever since my brother got married, he and his wife always go to her family's house first for each holiday and come to our mom's house late in the evening. Then they will only stay for a little while and leave. They spend all day at her family's house. This is beginning to get to my mom and the rest of us as we feel we get the short end. We have learned that this is what is going to happen again this year and the kids would not be able to open presents until Christmas night. Personally, I think they should alternate or something. What can we do about this? I would especially like to hear from moms and mother-in-laws of boys/men. By the way, we all live in the same town, so traveling is not an issue. Thanks for the input.
Good question. Couple possibilities that you should be real honest about. How does your family get along @ Christmas gathering? Do people have fun? Is it a happy or a tense environment? Take a close look at the difference in what goes on at sister in law's house vs. yours.
My parents and my in-laws live 3 hours from each other. But we are way down here in TX. So when we go back in the summer, we now spend about 5 days at my parents and about 2 days with my in-laws. It didn't used to be that way---we used to split the time evenly, as they and we thought that was fair.
However, over the years, my in-laws have become less able to enjoy their grandchildren (my kids.) They started complaining of the noise, and all the activity. And when they were stressed, they would start bickering and griping about each other. Nothing more stressful than eating dinner after a long trip and having your in-laws start insulting each other!! It is unpleasant to be there. We visit so the boys can know their grandparents, not b/c it's enjoyable in any way.
Maybe the traditions, etc...at your parents home have become very routine and boring? Just a thought. If you are in the same town, maybe you host Christmas one year, add in some fun new traditions and set the timeline of the day's events. Invite everyone to your place.
Ask your brother, one on one, what is going on. Maybe he'll be real honest with you.
Lastly, if they continue to arrive late, don't make the rest of the family wait for all gifts. Let the kids open some gifts early so they can enjoy them!! When they do show up, do the gifts that involve them and the adults!
Good luck.
It can be tough when it comes to the wife and her family. We all live in Houston as well. What we do is my husband, son and I go to my mom's house on Christmas Eve to eat together and open presents. Then my mom comes over to my house Christmas day and helps me cook the ham and a couple sides etc. My husband's family does the Turkey, dressing, desserts and brings that over. We keep things practical, my husband has a big family but we have the biggest house for everyone so we meet to eat at my house at like 4:30pm. Everyone has Christmas morning at their own homes and opens presents in the morning time and then we do family gift exchange at night. We always find a way for everyone to be together on Christmas so we don't have to split our time. Maybe finding a way for everyone to come together would be helpful. Well, I hope it all works out and that you guys have a great Christmas!!
I would suggest that your brother host the family Christmas next year. Talk to him about how ya'll feel. Include the sister-in-law so there are no feelings of exclusion. Christmas should be a fun, fun time. Why not invite all the in-laws to a big gathering...When people get to know you it is easier for them to be considerate to you. I do not think the children should have to wait all day to open gifts. Does your brother and his wife have children? IF not, then let the kids open gifts and the adults can wait on Bubba.
We have a similar situation, and I'm sure that it's super common. I think you should very nicely tell your brother and sister and law that your family wants to spend more time with them during the hollidays and maybe you should plan your get togethers on non conflicting days.
My mom does not have a MIL and doesn't know what it's like to have to share holidays with two different families because all her inlaws are in another state and they don't come down here and we can't afford to go up there. They went last Christmas up there but that's only the second Christmas in 32 years.
She wants us for ALL DAY and complains that the MILs want us for ALL DAY and says that's not fair. When we are with her we NEVER have a good time. She's a very intense person and doesn't do well with all the grandkids around (7 under the age of 7.)
Well, my sister's inlaws have huge wonderful meals that are never ready when they are supposed to be so they wait around to get to eat and afterward are the presents and there are so many people that it takes a while for all the gifts to be opened. Oh, and our families and inlaws live on opposite sides of town so factor in drive time as well. When my sister's family comes for Christmas it's for only 2 1/2-3 hours. This drives my mom absolutely nuts! She wants the whole day to herself!
My inlaws are also on another side of town and there are 7 grandchildren there as well, and food is never served on time. Expecting to get together with my family and my inlaws and my sister do the same and actually have good timing back to our own family get together is just not very plausible.
Wishing you the merriest Christmas,
Sarah
My mom said that she was NOT going to plan anything this year for the holidays because things didn't go as she wanted them. I suggested we do inlaw stuff on different days then with our own family so there's no timing issues. My inlaws get together on Christmas day (at 1) and her inlaws are getting together on Christmas Eve (at night because my BIL works till 6:30/7 Christmas Eve.) We're getting together with Mom and Dad the Sunday after Christmas (because my BIL is working on Saturday also.)Not that my mom is happy about it, but she's just going to have to get over it. She wants to see her daughters and our MILs want to see their sons (and grandkids, and DILs.)
This is an age-old problem involving Queen Bee mentality.
Your brother's mother-in-law is as selfish as they come.
She should indeed alternate every other year...early
Christmas celebration one year, evening or late afternoon
Christmas celebration the next. Your mother might wish to
write to this woman with this very fair proposal.
If your brother's mother-in-law does not do the fair thing,
then he and his wife should let her know in advance of
every family gathering what their plans are. And those plans
should be centered around your mother, for whom your brother
should take a stand.
It's unkind of a woman to expect all family gatherings to
center around her and her household. Patently unfair.
So, if she refuses to play fair, and I suspect that's the
case here, it already smells that way, then your brother
either stands up to this unfairness or gets to deal with
a great many hurt feelings on the part of his loved ones.
His choice.
Best of luck always,
M.
Personally, I don't like "alternating". I want to spend time with both my mother and my mother-in-law every single Christmas. My MIL is about ah hour away from us, and my mother is about 5 minutes away. We've established some traditions that make it work.
First of all, my husband always works on Christmas Eve, so travelling even an hour (two hours round trip) with small children is out of the question. Also, my family is Italian, and Christmas Eve is a very big deal to us. We spend Christmas Eve with my family. We wake up Christmas morning, open presents with our little family (my husband, children and myself), and then about 9 go to my mom's house again for a big Christmas brunch. After we spend time there, we leave about noon and head to my mother-in-law's house.
We still gather with extended family (my father's siblings and their kids, my mother's siblings and their kids) because we are still very close to my aunts and uncles and cousins. However, this happens the day before (23rd) or the day after (26th) because the rest of us need time with our own families and our in laws. My sister's husband's family does a large gathering with all of his aunts and uncles on BOTH sides on Christmas day and my sister and BIL are always having to choose where the eat the noon meal. So breakfast is a perfect solution! I always get to see my mommy and daddy, and we always see my MIL, too.
Personally, I do not want to miss out on either one. One year, when my sister in law (husband's sister) was out of town visiting her in laws on Christmas, my mother in law spent the night with us, and attended all my family's gatherings. She was there when Santa came to my house first thing, she went to the breakfast at my mom's house with us, and we spent the whole day all together. It was lovely!
My family has always had Christmas Eve for 1 side of the family and Christmas Day for the other. My family is also from the same town and there have been many holidays where the families criss-crossed and visited each other on the 2 days. This was a tradition that started when the oldest of the children from each side of the family were married.
My in-laws on the other hand had never really had any Christmas traditions other than get up on Christmas AM and load up in the car. When their children started to get married the in-laws wanted to do Christmas Eve at their house - which interrupted family activies for both myself and my SIL - and the in-laws did nothing on Christmas Day. We have finally said enough and we now do whatever we do and show up wherever we show up.
Regardless, I think you or another female member of the family - not your Mom - should talk to the SIL and ask about their family Christmas traditions and explain what your family does and see if there is a middle ground you can come to. Perhaps every other year for a switch off, or go to one place at the same time each year then show up at the other by a set time. Explain to her about the kids - she may not have thought about them.
Good luck - merging families is not always the easiest thing to do.
Remember the old phrase: A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life? We have the same issue in our family, my brother has spent the lion's share of the time with his (now ex-) wife's family and we seldom see him or my niece until a week or so later. This year is quite different, my brother died last month and now his ex wants to take MY ONLY CHILD to the movies tonight instead of coming over to celebrate with us. I don't have the heart to refuse the request but recognize that we too will have to figure out a better solution. I like her family and they've always been very gracious when we see them, so maybe we'll be able to build a bridge instead of letting things break down. My advice (took my time getting here, didn't I?) to you is to try to find a way to smooth it over with your various family units because as we've just learned, tomorrow, next week and next year are not guaranteed.
Well my husband and I have the same thing going on. We open presents at both houses first thing in the morning.Just so the kids don't have to wait its just not fair for the kids. Then each year we take turns on who's house we are going to eat at first. You know if they can't make it fair open presents without them, that will make a statement.
Family is family and you can't change it. This year it is too late to really say anything, but maybe next year sometime you could talk and see if there is a way to even it out - like one year they go to one set at Thanksgiving and the other on Christmas or alternate times when they go.
However, should that not be a change they are willing to make - Christmas while a wonderful day, really is just another day. You can make any day your Christmas. Growing up we have had 'Christmas' several different times - including Thanksgiving weekend. That way we could celebrate together and not make everyone feel they must get it all covered on Christmas day.
As a matter of fact, we have for years had Christmas the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My family all gets together and we open gifts and listen to Christmas music and get to eat the left overs from Thanksgiving so no real stress over dinner! My parents decided this was a fun way to get us all together and then allow us to all go our separate ways for Christmas since we all live away from the in-laws and it really is a bettter time to travel.
This has worked well for us most years. The kids love it because Christmas starts a month early! The grown-ups love it because we are all together and it really isn't a stressful situation.
Pray about it and then talk about it. I am sure you can get it all worked out. Be creative!
I know it can be irritating, I would suggest to your mother to talk to your brother and tell him how this makes all of you feel. My mother in law is very vocal about spending time with us, and so we make a point of trying to divide time equally. On Christmas eve we go to her house and have lunch and spend most of the day and evening there. On Christmas day we usually stay home. On the day after Christmas we have a brunch with my family, and spend the bulk of the day with them. Then some time in between Christmas and New Years we have a holiday party at our house and members of both families are invited. I know its a lot but because we do nothing on Christmas day my kids have a lot of down time to just relax and play, and all of our family feels included.
We do Christmas Eve with My husband. Christmas Day is with my side of the family. We even did this when we had to travle hours away from one to the other. For Thanksgiving we all gather at my aunts house..out of town. anyone and everyone is welcome to go. This includes my husbands side, any co-workers, friends, or people that dont have a place to go. Why dont you invite everyone for one big Christmas? We also do a one present "Chineese gift exchange". One gift for thirty bucks...the price changes for what everyone can afford that year. We only have about 6 kids and we get them something cheap.
I have been married for 20 yrs now and we have always split it up. We spend Christmas eve at my mother in laws,, since they open gifts that night. Then we spend Christmas day with my parents, due to the same reason. You might ask your brother if they could not do something different, or maybe just start a new tradition. Or have you talked to him about how it has hurt everyone's feelings that they don't get to see them during the day time. If all else fails talk to his wife and ask her how she feels and see if you could work things out. Despite all I hope you have a Merry Christmas.
HI Ann,
My brother too has been like this for years! Or since I can remember..... Its tough on my family, but we started having to give a specific time of when things happens at our families house and that seemed to help... I cant tell you how it is know it seems worse since I have moved 1800 miles away. My brother is always at his inlaws! But they have come to inviting my parents along.... My parents 9More my mom) has come to really being depressed around the holidays since myself and my family has been gone and she will refuse to spend the holidays for her reasoning is its not the same since I guess I kept the family together!!!
When you say you all live in the same area then I feel you all should do a time frame!!!!! It has helped us! Merry Christmas to you and Happy New Year
Good Luck
Sarah
Maybe a family talk is in order. My mom was really upset this year because it was her year (we alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving) to have all of her kids and grandkids at her house. My brother and sis in law decided that they wanted Christmas at their house this year. Long story short, we all decided to pick a weekend in December to have all the kids and grandkids at my mom's house. I am not sure what will happen next year, but for right now my mom was happy with the solution.
Hope you are able to come up with something that works for your family. Good Luck, God Bless and Happy Holidays.
I have a huge family with both parent's re-married. So, my Dad's side decided that we would all celebrate Christmas on the Saturday before Christmas. This has worked out so well! We are all able to get together and we have fun and exchange gifts and feast and just all relax together. If your parents are willing to bump up the Christmas celebration that is always a good thing. Also, we have in the past, gotten together for Thanksgiving on the Saturday after. We have all really enjoyed this! There are 6 of us grown up kids with our own families.
My family lives right in town with us, my mother-in-law lives about 45 minutes north and my father-in-law lives about an hour north east. Holidays are never fun for us because everyone (especially my mother-in-law) expects us to visit every year. We also have a 2 year old son that everyone has to see for the Holidays. For the last 4 years we have gone to my MIL for x-mas eve dinner, and then back to my moms for x-mas eve service at 9,then we spend x-mas morning and early afternoon with my my family, and then drive back north to my FIL for x-mas evening. It is a really frustrating arangement and makes the holidays not as enjoyable for us. Next year we are changing up the schedule because it is getting too hard on us.
It sounds like they or at least one of them enjoy being in control. The family should not have to wait for the opening of gifts. Go ahead and open when the kids want to. We just go ahead and open after everyone is there and have our fun together the ones that for one reason or another arrive late on purpose can open theirs when they get there.
Once my husband and I got married we moved a long way from our parents.. we went back "Home" for the first Christmas and spent Christmas eve with one family and Christmas day with the other... But once our children arrived... we had our own little Christmas.... if any one wanted to visit it was great...but I remembered Christmases of rushing to open our presents at home.. then running from one Grandparent to the others... I wanted my children to have time to make their own Christmas memories.
Right now with my two daughters and son married (actually when the daughters married....) they decided one Christmas would be spent with the In Laws and the Other with Us... and it has worked wonderfully... Of course we have different states to content with... so I am sure it would be harder to do when you live near by... The year they get together with the in laws.. we celebrate our Christmas at New Years... Being an Avon representative and busy up to Christmas... I really enjoy the late years as much as the on time. We did do it at Thanksgiving one year... because my son was going to be gone at New Years..to visit a friend in NY who was going overseas... and they wanted the one chance to do NY at Times Square..... The Thanksgiving was really nice but a little wierd...because everytime I heard a Christmas advertisement or Christmas song.. I would think for a second 'What is this ?? Christmas is over..'
My sisters and brothers have solved the problem...with rotation Christmases since they all live near by... they rotate... every year it is hosted at a different sister or brothers house... so everyone gets to show off their decorations etc at least once every 4 years since my Mother has now passed away... and even before then they had started the rotation because my Mother enjoyed not having to be the Hostess after so many years of doing it when us kids were growing up... She spread us children over 20 years... so she was glad to be able to just "ENJOY" the times.
Good Luck!! and Merry Christmas!! and a Happy Healthy New Year!!