Going to religious services

I have been happily married for nearly 8 years. The only big issue where we differ on seems to be religion- my husband is not religious at all, and while supportive of my spirituality, doesn't care to attend synagogue services on a regular basis. I feel that it is very important to have my children attend services regularly and be familiar in a synagogue setting. So what happens is that I usually attend once a month with the kids. My older son says he hates it and it's boring and why doesn't Daddy go? Every attendance is a huge arguement where I say there are some things he just needs to learn how to make the best out of. I was the same way, and there was never a choice about attendance, and eventually I did grow to love and appreciate it. But our whole family went together! IT tears me apart, I don't want him to end up hating it, and at the same time, I believe it to be important all of us. I would love to hear if any of you have dealt with this- regardless of your actual religion.

Hi Sophie, Love the name, Let me share something with you, back in 1991 my husband started going to a church that he liked very much, I wasn't interested in the same way he was, but he started going every Sunday, and sometimes a mid week service, eventually I started going because I didn't like him going after something without me, so we became members, but it's normal for one spouse to be relunctant, theres many wmen in our church whos husbands don't go and many men whos wives don't go, just keep going, and as you grow spiritually, you will become a more spiritual wife and mother, and you just may when your husband over, that's how my husband won me over. As far as the kids go, unless where you attend have seperate classes or service for the kids, they will be bored, where we attend they have a childrens ministry for all age groups, it's not baby sittning it's actual class rooms with learning, music and activitys, and they love coming to church. When kids sit in a service with their parents the sermon, lesson, is geared toward the adult matality and goes right over the heads of children, that's why it is boring to them. Many adults today don't want nothing to do with church/religeon because they were forced to go as children, I agree with you that it is important, for children to attend, but a 5 and 3 year old need something that is geared towards ages, so they can understand and enjoy, attending, my kids are 25, 22, and 20 and we have been going to this church since our youngest was toddler, so they grew up in the church, but in their own classes. Hope this helps, and I pray you have much sucess in your spiritual walk. Julie L.

I am in the same boat .... my husband attends holiday services by force, other than that, religion is all up to me, although now that my daughter is learning "grace" she likes to say it at the dinner table and he is fine with that. Because I knew how he was, I purposely found a church that had services that worked for my needs, but also has an exceptional children's program. It has a seperate church for teens if they prefer to not be in the main service, which seems to help them come to faith with their friends on their terms, rather than by what seems like my force. I know we will have some battles eventually, but because I feel that religion is essential in a person's life, until my children graduate from high school, they will attend church.

I hope you find some success and less battles with your son, but I agree - religion is important to have, so perservere! Good luck.

Sophie,

Let me give you the other side...I grew with a very Catholic Mom and an Agnostic Dad. My Mom starting taking us to church every Sunday since I was an infant, so it was ALWAYS in my routine. After my sister was born, my Mom was hospitalized and we didn't go for months due to her recovery time. I asked my Dad once why he couldn't take me and he said 'it wasn't his thing'.

So, once my Mom was better and able to go we started going again and by that time I was 4.5 and full of questions and needed answers. I asked my Mom why we Daddy didn't come and she said, 'His beliefs were not the same as hers, but it meant a lot to her to share with me her religious beliefs.' This sparked a whole other kind of thought process, and of course I challenged it several times more...until my Mom had our Priest speak to me about God and what it meant to explore our individual feelings about spirituality. Well, he did it in a way that made sense to a then 5 year old. Basically, he asked me to give him a chance to teach me about being Catholic and if I decided as a young adult to try another religion I could do it.

This WHOLE talk empowered me and made me feel like it was really MY CHOICE and not my Mom's. At any rate, I did try other religions as I grew into a teen and attend other services, but ultimately I went back to being a Catholic girl...even attended a religious University.

Today, I choose to go and will do the same for my son as my Mom did for me. Inform and teach and allow for questions and exploration...it has made my faith strong.

You might want to have your spiritual leader speak to your kids about the amazing stories and history that comes from being involved in your beliefs. I love sharing beliefs and talking with my cousins who were raised Orthodox Jewish and even attending their special services. But, I'm still who I am and we respect that about each other. You might also ask Dad to get involved in explaining the right to choose comes from being informed and making informed choices, but that his choice isn't out of a desire to not go but an adult choice based on beliefs.

It's such a tough subject, that my son's Dad and I haven't had our son baptized because we don't agree on Godparents. Ugh, but really get some spiritual guidance and get help explaining/showing what it means to believe in something.

Good Luck!

Hi Sophie. I am Jewish, married to an atheist. I have learned that respect is a two way street. My husband respects my right to practice my religion and I have to give him the same courtesy of allowing him to have a lack of any sort of practice. We compromise in that he will come along with me depending on the level of importance. For example, he will always come to Passover Sedars with me because I value them so much. He will not attend a random service with me though. I have to pick my battles. As far as the kids are concerned, we just tell the kids that mommy and daddy have different beliefs and it's ok. We tell them when they are older, they can make up their own minds as to how/what they will practice. It does help that my hubby and I work opposite and that we spend a lot of alone time with the kids. My daughter is going to be 4 and wouldn't even think to question why daddy isn't there because he works graveyard and sleeps during the early evenings.

I think you and your hubby need to find some sort of medium that makes you both happy. You are going to have to compromise on this one. Perhaps he could have a talk with your son and tell him that he used to go to temple as well when he was a child and now that he is an adult, he gets to make his own decisions about whether or not to go. He can tell your son that he'll get to make his choice about it later in life, but he has to experience it for a while longer to really know what he wants.

Good luck! I know it's not easy.

I think perhaps the most important point is being missed. Much of what adults love about their religion isn't attractive to 5 year olds. Appealing to your son with what is funny, silly, and exciting will keep him coming back for more at this age. If he is having fun, enjoying his religion, he will wonder why on earth his father would want to miss out on such a great thing. The longer he stays the more these beliefs will become a part of his life. When that happens he will become more serious and devoted. It would be easier if your husband was on board, but you have something your husband will never have even if he enthusiastically shared your beliefs. Your experiences and love for your religion are yours alone. Finding ways to express these things to your son is one of the very best things one can pass on to a child. Attraction is key.

Sophie... I can relate to your situation. My father wasn't a church attending individual but supported my mother's choice that we be while growing up. I too tried that why doesn't he have to go thing. But I think it goes with the why doesn't dad have to go to bed when I do. There are things you can expect from your kid's that isn't the same for your husband. If he chooses not to attend services and doesn't interfere with you and your kids doing so, I would simply explain to your son that he needs to go. Eventually, I came to find my own spirituality and I'm so glad my mother introducted it to me. I also grew to appreciate those who don't worship in the same fashion I do. I think that is so important these days. Our family was united in every aspect and that didn't reflect anything other than my dad didn't attend services. It didn't diminsh anything at all. I would continue to do what you are by sharing your faith with your children and not make your husband the bad guy for not going. My father was the most ethical and best example of a man I have known so him not attending services with us didn't change that. Like your son, I learned in time that I needed to do things I wasn't open to initially but also learned by doing so you never know what the outcome will be. For me, it is a deep personal spirituality. Best wishes to you and your family and sounds like you have them on the right track!

In my humble opinion, you may need to go MORE frequently -which I know is going to be a stretch once you've delivered number three. My husband is likewise completely uninterested in church and I feel it is very important. I started when my oldest was just a couple months old taking him every Sunday that we were not ill. Because we went regularly, he grew up with it and made friends there. If they make friends, they'll start asking why doesn't dad WANT to go and maybe dad will start asking that question, too! :-) Having friends there will be a reward in and of itself but until those friendships form, you may need some other enticement - special meal afterward, cookies and juice during fellowship time, an extra sticker on his chore chart, whatever works for you. Also, it may be beneficial for you to volunteer in the children's programs to help your kids break the ice with their peers. Keep it up, Dear One. Imparting faith in our kids is so important. However there are so many non-faith benefits to going to worship and maybe you can convince hubby to come on THOSE aspects, pray, and let God do the rest.
Oh, BTW, ditto from me on finding a church with a good children's program.
:-)

Hi Sophie,
The most important thing is, not to force him. Allow him to take his time. It also took me eight years of our marriage till MY husband slowly started going twice to church a month with me. Our children, they were already broke into to it. My husband at first stays home. Then he started going once every two to three months or sort to say when he feels like it because he ends up alone at home. So up to eight years into the marriage, I never ever force him but then he surprised me back. While I was going to church with the kids all these time, he was home reading and studying scriptures and researching more and more into going to church which he didn't care what and where we go to. Into our tenth year of marriage, he was already going every Sunday. Our boys started complaining as they get older that it's boring. But I never stop going to church educating our children that it's another way of receiving blessings and not just focusing on material things which come and go...it worked for me. Although it's different on everyone else. Some will never go. Some slowly but surely will participate into it, and some will need more time...Just don't force him or the issue. He will come around. Be very positive. Continue to go about your agenda of maintaining your attendance to the synagogue. Somewhere in there, the Lord will soften things for you...be strong...

I believe you should not force religion on anyone. If your son sees your husband not going, then he will want to do the same. You married a non-religious man and this is the downfall. Why not let your son stay home every other time you go. Also, do not try to make your husband go. Like I said, religion should not be forced on anyone.

Hi Sophie!

My sons, now 15 and 11, were the same way when they were youngsters. My 15 year old grew to love it and did a superb Bar Mitzvah when he turned 13. He loves going even more now, as an "adult." My 11 year old, is still in complain mode, but since he's in training for his Bar Mitzvah, too, we keep plugging along.

Let your children know attendance is non-negotiable and don't engage in argument. Even if Dad doesn't go (my husband has gone once...to his son's Bar Mitzvah ), he should let his kids know that attendance is non-negotiable and that he will be unhappy to lean they did not behave themselves well. If your son behaves poorly, there should be a consequence. For my sons, it was no goodie at oneg. They would have to stand at my side, while I indulged, and explain to all the well meaning matirarchs who inquired that they couldn't have a piece of cake because they did not behave properly. Silly, but it worked.

Stick to your guns! They'll come around. And, if they don't, once they're adults, they can make their own choice about attendance. In the meantime, it's good to learn how to grin and bear it!

First of all, have you looked for a temple that has kid services? It seems to me that asking a 5 year old to sit through a full service might be a challenge. Since you're in Israel what about outings to historical/religous sites? I've spent alot of time there and know that they're EVERYWHERE. That's a family experience that will help your son get a sense of his history. Share the stories with him before you go so that he has a feel for it prior. What 5 year old would not like to hike Masada, float in the Dead Sea etc?

The larger issue is your husband. My husband is not Jewish. I've told him that it's important to me that he join the family at temple on holidays - high holidays, Purim, etc. Maybe if you told your husband that it's important for you to come occasionally he'll get it. If he doesn't then you need to respect his choice and remember it's nothing persoanl directed at you (might help with any anger).

My stock answer when my kids ask about their Dad's religon is that Daddy is not Jewish, but we as a family are. They go to Jewish day school, so they know that the religon you're born with is based on the mom - that bit of knowledge seemed to answer all their questions. Good luck.

Sophie,

I have not dealt with this personally, but work with families who face these challenges.

So long as dad is supportive, tell your son that you felt exactly the same way about attending services when you were young, but that you and his dad feel that a spiritual education is important to his development as a human being. He can see by the differing choices you and your spouse have made as adults that he will have the opportunity to make his choice about attendance when he is an adult, but he does not have a choice now.

When he complains, calmly repeat that you understand, but that you will not change your mind because... (articulating the "because" is important to expressing the family values). If complaining continues, let him know he is welcome to remain unhappy, but will need to find a private space to wallow, as it is disruptive to the rest of the family.

Good luck and stand firm.

Carolyn

Sophie,
You just described my family & my childhood as well. We deal with the same thing over here. I always see all the families sitting together (we're Catholic) or even just the dad and the kids, and I feel sad we can't be like that! But the bottom line is, you can't force this kind of thing on your husband - maybe someday! However, I've found that if you want to be sure your kids develop spirituality, morality and the so-important relationship with God that will benefit them far more than anything else in life, then don't feel bad to make it a regular, standard thing. I try to tell the kids that the very least we can do for God is to spend that 1 hour (or whatever it is for you) a week just being there for Him. At 16 or 17 years old, then it needs to NOT be forced anymore - it needs to be the person's decision out of respect for THEM. That's where the older generation missed out - they didn't think that a young person needs to WANT to be there, and let them make that choice. Like everything else with teens, you just have to hope they'll eventually do the right thing. I hope this helps - just to know I'm in your boat as well. Oh, I always remember to thank my kids for going because I want them to know I care about the way they feel.
Marie

I cannot believe that a spiritual experience for a child is boring. I was a Sunday School teacher for years. The children loved coming to my class. This should be a fun learning experience for your child. I suggest you find a place that is fun and which he will learn. I suggest not pushing your husband into doing something he does not like. Instead let him see the wonderful change in you and your son through this experience. He may want to go then. Once a month is not enough to help with this change.

No child is happy about going to religious services. Like you said, you learned to love it. I am also Jewish with a husband who is not religious in any way. The difference is that I am not a practicing Jew. I do however, celebrate the major holidays with my sister. But I do not go to services. Right now, my family celebrates all holidays and we will just have to see what happens when my daughter gets older. Of course she will always be a Jew! LOL
Obviously, there is not much you will be able to do about your husband. Just thank your lucky stars that he is supportive and lets your kids go to synagogue.
If the role was reversed, I wouldn't want my children going to church. I have actually said to my husband that "over my dead body my child would attend a church service".
I really don't have much advise to other then your lucky that your husband is ok with the your kids going to synagogue.
Good luck to you!

Keep going and setting a good example. Pray for your husband children and stay in prayer about your strife. Don't stop praying and attending because if you give up you will send that lesson to your children. God Bless.

I wasn't clear, are you in Israel or here in LA? If in LA, may I suggest that you try out Nashuva, (www.nashuva.org) an alternative and inspiring service that your husband might be able to bear. They also have kid activities, so the kids don't have to sit through the whole service, which might really be too boring for them.

And, having lived in Israel myself, if your husband doesn't attend synaguogue nothing will get him to, it just isn't part of the culture.

Good luck!

If the service is geared towards adults of course he will be bored and hate it, I did when I was a kid. I go to church with our children but my husband does not, my 4 year old always asks why Daddy doesn't go and I always say, Daddy does other things and we are lucky to be able to attend church, but she loves it because she goes into daycare where they do fun kids stuff in addition to learning a little bit about God and songs. I think what you need to find is a synagogue that will provide fun ways for your child to learn about God, but keep going, it is very important to raise your children with spiritual guidance. The problem is your synagogue not your child, he is only 5.... Good Luck you are doing the right thing

Hi Sophie, Go to your services for yourself and have your children attend. Maybe the children services ARE boring, investigate and find a great place for them too.
These are coping tools for their lives. I am telling you I don't know how people can make it without some spiritual guidance. Do this for yourself and don't make your husband go. I have been attending the Lutheran church all my life and my husband was raised in a non religious Jewish/non church home Jewish heritage school, no Bar Mitzvah... he goes with me occasionally and has done some gatherings for fun. over 24 years now.
I can only be responsible for my direction, and I don't bug him, my kids have been confirmed and then I let them go their own way...my Dad made us kids go until we moved out and I don't think that was a positive thing. Keep praying and help your self stay strong, life gives you plenty of tests!! God bless. Deb