Four hour curfew for an 18 year old?

My 18 year old daughter just turned 18 in March. She has a job of her own, is responsible with it and her chores at home, pays her own phone bill, and even buys any extra items needed around the house which she claims makes her responsible. However, she keeps asking for a permanent curfew of 11 pm no matter when she leaves but my husband and I believe that she shouldn't be staying away from the house for anything longer than four hours at a time; depending on when she leaves do we give her a set curfew. If she leaves at 3 pm then she needs to be home at 7 but she cannot be out past 10 point period. We find this perfectly reasonable but I figured I would get the opinions of other moms or parents.

Edit: She ran away at the ends of May and just recently came back to live with us because I felt she needed to be with family. I don't see why a respectable young lady should be gone an entire day from her home where she belongs. Not out in the street. Opinions?

Additional information: My daughter can very much work for more than 4 hours, she works a 7 hour shift and we're perfectly fine with that. We just aren't comfortable with her being out with friends or her boyfriend for longer than 4 hours at a time, especially when it use to be a whole lot more stricter than this. If you must all know, she ran away because she no longer wanted to follow our curfew rules and because she was irresponsible enough to run off, I don't see why we should extend her curfew to what she is asking.

Quite frankly, I think you are completely unreasonable. She is 18 and legally an adult. What is up with this arbitrary 4 hours rule? This rule seems to have no logic or reason to it. She could go to the mall with her friends for lunch, shopping and a movie and easily spend more than 4 hours. It sounds like she is very responsible and should be given more leeway to live her life. Technically, she could move out and do whatever she damn well pleases. Keep it up and you will push her away. At her age, I didn’t have a curfew and came and left as I pleased. I’d just give my Dad a courtesy call as to when to expect me.

Wait…what? She can’t be out of your sight for more than 4 hours? And she’s a grown adult?
At 18 I was living on my own, by myself, paying my bills, working, had a boyfriend, bought my own EVERYTHING.
I can’t imagine how stiffled your ADULT child must feel. I actually can’t imagine she’s ok with an 11pm curfew.
Maybe things are different in Idaho? But to me…you are unreasonable.

I’ve raised two boys to responsible adulthood. One in his 20’s, the other in his 30’s I mention that only so you’ll know I’m an experienced parent and middle aged.

I think your 4 hour system is nuts. Your daughter’s request sounds responsible and reasonable.

I can’t think of any reason your 4 hour idea makes a bit of sense.

Nope.

Totally unreasonable on your part.

You and your husband are being unreasonable.

ETA: I don’t understand the goal you are trying to achieve by giving her a four hour window of freedom. I am sincerely asking what you and your husband think this will help her achieve.

If I read into your post, I get this sense that you and your husband are anxious parents. Are you afraid that something will happen to her? That she will make life altering bad decisions? Or use illegal substances? And that the ‘four hour alarm’ will deter this?

Is there a history where she has been unsafe or made life devastating decisions?

The thing with parenting, is that you have to let them make significant mistakes so they come to you needing guidance on how to prevent the big mistakes. It sucks.

But if this four hour window allowance is not due to her having a history of dangerous behavior then it is due to YOUR fear/anxiety of failing as a parent and needing to control her. It might be best to talk to a professional about this because you are PREVENTING your daughter from maturing and being the responsible person you keep telling her to be.

At 18, I was living a 6.5 hour drive away from my parent’s home. I was going to college, working a part time job and only called home once a week on Sunday afternoons because way back then long distance calls were expensive.

So, I have to think that I a most respectable young lady did just fine for longer than 4 hours away from home at a time and continued to do so until today.

I have never heard anyone say that their 18 year old shouldn’t be away from home more than 4 hours. This sounds bizarre. And yes, I’m a mom of two boys, ages 22 and 24. And I lived 4 hours away from home going to college many years ago, and probably only went home to visit 3 times a semester. So I have been both the girl AND the mother in this.

How do you expect your daughter to grow up? How do you expect her to meet someone to marry one day? Or do you think that you get to choose him and tell her that she has to love him?

It’s as if you feel that she should have to wear a ball and chain.

She’s 18 now and has presumably finished high school. She didn’t “run away”. She tried to strike out on her own. Instead of trying to hold her hostage, saying she belongs at home and shouldn’t be “out on the streets”, you should be helping her find ways to learn how to be an independent adult. She’s not 50 years old and doting around the house. She should be out working, being with friends, and having a life outside of you. It’s great that she has chores and pays her own phone bill. But all you are doing is keeping her from growing up.

I doubt you’re going to listen to anyone’s viewpoint here, but what is probably going to happen if you keep up this archaic way of treating your daughter is that she’s going to grab the first guy who offers to take her away from your clutches and marry him, instead of finding a guy who will love her and be good to her. But maybe you think that the only thing that a respectable married girl is good for is “belonging at home” too? I feel very sorry for your daughter.

You are completely unreasonable. I hope this is a joke. I have never, ever heard of a parent giving a child - of any age - a limit on how long they can be away from home. If my parents had been so ridiculous, I might have run away too.

What if she wants to go to the beach for the day? Or drive to a city that’s an hour or two away for an event? What about going to a concert or to see a play? What about sleeping over a friend’s house, or going away for a weekend? Or how about just shopping, getting lunch, hanging out with friends?

My two oldest are 19. Since they graduated high school, they’ve had free rein to more or less come and go as they please, as long as they don’t come in late enough to wake me up.

Give her the 11 PM curfew. Better yet, make it midnight.

What are her plans for the fall? I really hope that she’s going to school away from you, so that she can live life like a normal 18 year old.

Yikes. 4 hours is completely unreasonable. I’d say that 11 is unreasonably strict also, and you be grateful it’s an option.

Just because she’s not at home with you doesn’t mean she’s out on the street. Leaving home at the age of 18 is not running away. I think that a lot of kids would do the same thing if they faced the same constraints at home.

Let her spread her wings and fly.

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Omg… that’s very unreasonable.

She’s trying to be a responsible ADULT and you’re putting this type of restraint on her? Geesh

Rest assured, she’ll save her $$ and get away from you as soon as she can manage it.

If you want her in your life, be more reasonable. I’ve never heard of an 18 year old with this type of curfew.

Maybe that’s why she ran away the first time.

You need to trust that you raised a good kid. She deserves a social life. Let go momma

She does not need a dictator.

I really feel for her being in this type living situation. So sad.

She is legally an adult. She can do what she wants.

If she is living at your house? She needs to follow your rules. I personally think your rule of no more than 4 hours is a tad extreme.

She ran away 2 months ago. That does NOT make her responsible. However, that does not justify a 4 hour window of being gone.

If she does something illegal? She needs to pay the consequences for that “crime”.
I do believe that you are choking your daughter (not literally) and this will cause her to rebel even worse than before and running away again.

I don’t get it. I worked longer shifts than that at 18 at my part time job.

ETA: saw your Added Info.
Hmmm. After all the replies, you still don’t see why you should extend her curfew - so all I can add is that your daughter will continue to feel the way she does - but more so. Resentful.
Growing up is about change - letting your daughter have say over her own life. Support her. Look out for her. But unless you can tell us why spending more than 4 hours with friends or boyfriend is harmful - I’d allow her to have freedom to choose who and when she spends her free time with. That’s my two cents worth.

I find that very limiting. When I was her age I would go to Six Flags with a group of friends. That would be an all day event. I also liked to go to baseball games. We would drive 2 hours to the game, the game usually lasted 3 hours (or more), then 2 hours back.

There are just so many completely innocent things that people can do with their time that take more than a couple of hours and are not at their actual house.

I’ve honestly never heard of anyone having curfew involving a time limit. I’ve only ever heard of curfews that meant “Be home by a certain time.” Also, my parents never gave me a curfew. I was definitely not a “wild child” at all, so they really had no reason to give me a curfew. They knew I wasn’t going to do anything crazy.

So if she goes out at 10am she has to be home at 2pm?

So she is not allowed to get a full-time job? Is this a religious thing?

ETA: It sounds like you are eager for her to move out and get married. You are not telling us any other way that she can get away from your “rule”. Well, moving out and getting married are great when those things are done in a responsible way, at the right time, to the right person, etc. Your rules are likely to rush her to do those things in haste, which could mess up her life much more than staying out for more than 4 hours!!

Let me give you a clue - anything that can be done after 11pm can be done before 11pm.
If she’s sexually active - she could have sex 10am in the morning, 3pm in the afternoon, etc.
If that is what you are concerned about - just let that go.
If you want a curfew - not so much to control what she’s doing - but to not disturb the wage earners that need sleep - then let her know “I need to be sleeping during these hours and you/people coming and going during those hours isn’t going to work for me”.
Some parents will say - if you can’t make it in till 2am, then don’t come home till my wake up time at 7am.
She’s run away once - so you shouldn’t be trying to be overly controlling - BUT - it’s your house and there should be respect for the needs of every one that lives there.
She doesn’t get to call all the shots - she’s going to have to compromise with anyone she lives with - so it’s not unreasonable that she be able to compromise with you.
Try to treat her like any other adult that might be living in your house.
Try to make it welcoming so she WANTS to be at home instead of someplace that she’s trying to escape from.

I have never, ever heard of an 18 year old having a rule for only being allowed to be out 4 hours at a time, and having a curfew of 10 pm. I don’t mean to come across as rude, but I just honestly wonder why would you do this? There is absolutely nothing that is not respectable about a young adult being out working, seeing friends, socializing, etc. That is developmentally normal for her age. My 17 year old has had plenty of experience over her teen years with trouble and bad, dangerous choices, etc. At the moment, and for the past many months she is doing very well. She will be 18 in less than 2 months. She drives and has 2 part time jobs. She goes to school in the morning. I see nothing wrong with her going from school to work, or from work to plans out with friends. She stays in contact with me so I always know where she is and who she is with. She is not “out in the street” If she was really out on the street doing bad things she would not have a car or a phone from us. Her curfew is 12, but she is not always out that late anyway. Of course I worry. Life holds no guarantees and a lot in her background puts her at higher risk. But I can’t keep her in a bubble, or keep punishing her for past mistakes. She does need to grow up.

My 14yo is often away from home for over 30 hours in one stretch. She frequently stays at friend’s houses overnight and my 19 yo will not be able to pay for her phone for several more years yet she does not have a curfew.

If you want to have a decent relationship with your daughter tell her you have been unreasonable and it’s just very hard for you to let go but you are working on it. You must recognize your daughter is an adult and you should start treating her as one, Best of luck!

Sad.