Hi Mamas,
I am seeking more advice about my 9 yr-old daughter's behavior. She has been one of those defiant type kids since she was a toddler. I am kind of at a loss right now. I have read so many books and tried so many methods and programs, but nothing works. As long as things are going her way, she's happy and well-behaved, but the minute she feels like she's not in control of the situation, she gets angry, aggressive and defiant. She is always trying to be in control and we have done battle over this since she was tiny. I did the whole thing where I said you can pick the pink bowl or the red bowl, but guess what??? She wanted the green one. She has never wanted to be told what to do. Fast forward eight years, and the issues and drama are a lot more complicated. My blood pressure rises the minute I pick her up from school, and by the time she goes to bed I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I am losing all control of her and she's only 9. She ignores me, she talks back, calls me names, hits me, spits at me, runs outside when I tell her it's homework time then refuses to come back in.
These are the things I already know: (1) She doesn't get as much attention as she needs. She has always needed/craved tons of one-on-one attention, and has to be entertained or stimulated all of the time. However, she is the oldest of three kids. The youngest is 21 months old who needs constant attention and supervision. My husband works long hours including weekends so I am solo most of the time and cannot give her all of the attention she needs and wants. (2) I am inconsistent with discipline because I am trying to do anything that will work (3) I yell at her and ground her too much (4) None of it is working and I'm miserable.
So, what approach should I take now? I really like positive discipline and am all for rewarding good behavior, but she almost never wants to do her part to earn her rewards. And how do you address the really bad behavior using positive discipline? Parts of the Kazdin method made sense, but his approach to consequences just seems too light to me. Ignoring her bad behavior or giving her a short 5 minute time-out doesn't seem like enough of a consequence for her spitting in my face when she's mad at me or punching her brother in the stomach. I am currently just grounding her from her privileges, but that clearly isn't working.
My mom suggests I clear her room out completely and make her earn each item back one-by-one. Has anyone done this? Has it been successful? What happens when they earn a few things back, then start acting up again? Do you take those things away again, or just not give them anything else back until the behavior improves?
Any advice is appreciated, but criticism is not welcome. Please, I've criticized myself enough already over this. I'm not trying to be the perfect mom, I just want some shalom in my home. I want my daughter to be happy. I wish I could devote every second of our time together to just her, but she's not an only child. She is also not ADHD, and not a behavior problem at school. She gets straight A's and her teachers have never had an issue with her. She saves all of this joy for me.
Thanks in advance (and sorry this was so long)
~Suzanne