Curfew for Teenagers...what time do you have in your home?

This is for those of you moms who have older children and have or are facing what curfew you have for your teenagers. We are the parents of 4 children...our oldest having been married just over 3 years (she's 22), and our son, 19.5, and twins (boy/girl) 17 years old. The 19 year old will be moving home in January 2010 to go to college. The main issue is our 17 year old daughter who loves to go out and be with her friends. Each of our children have vehicles (supplied by us) and so I am wondering...do we give our son that is moving home a curfew with regard to the two 17 year olds...do you have the same time for each of them or the older they get they get to stay out later? I am just confused as to what to do for them now that they will all be home together and the 17 year old daughter has tried to use that "why does her older brother get to do thus and thus and my response "well he is older". Up to this point it has not been an issue, but with the kids going to school (the twins are in 11th grade), both have jobs and the other son moving home...is it "all is fair in love and war?" Just not sure how to handle this one. Any of you have any good/helpful advice with this?

We all know that each child is differnt and has differnt boundarys that they push. I would base the time on one that you feel confortable with. When they build your trust to stay out longer than grant them that. As for your child in college it is hard to say. Just remember that the twins are still only 17 and there's alot of trouble out there waiting for 17 year olds

Just speaking for myself, when I was that age:

As long as I was still in HIGH school, I had a curfew. This is to be expected.
My sister, who was a couple of years older, and was in college already, did NOT have a curfew. But she had other expectations...those of an adult.

Once I graduated high school, and was IN college myself... I did not have a curfew. But I had other expectations, as those of an adult. If I was not responsible nor respectful as a FAMILY MEMBER regardless of "age"..... I was denied things. I was ALSO responsible for daily responsibilities in our home... because that is just the way FAMILY is... you are a TEAM and EVERYONE contributes... in duties and monetarily to various degrees, regardless of "age." THAT is how my Parents raised me... and whether or not we lived at home or not... which we did at various moments.

Keep in mind, that a High School kid, IF they do not have a "curfew" could hypothetically even come home at 4:00 in the next morning. AND you need to know what the age of consent/age of a minor/legal age for drinking & buying alcohol is in your state.... because if they get in trouble... this does matter, legally.

All the best,
Susan

Once an individual is viewed as an adult, it's usually a bad idea to try and give them a curfew. Curfews will be put up with by adults for a limited period of time (military personnel, occasionally get put under different curfews, for different reasons, usually while they're in training or deployed... cities with emergencies can get put under curfew, sometimes martial, sometimes not, halfway houses have curfews, etc)... but the preponderance of evidence is that an adult under a curfew will chafe, and will eventually rebel.

I would personally ask myself, what is the point of the curfew? Curfews are, by nature, controlling... so who, why, and what are you trying to control? Trying to teach? (Note: I'm not against curfews... although they're not my favorite way for teaching responsibility & common courtesy & trust... but they're a way a lot of people like & use well).

While I think it's totally reasonable to have rules of conduct within your house at ANY age... I think it's asking for trouble to put a grown child (considered to be an adult by family and society) who has lived away from you under such restrictions without cause. Same token, I think it's ALSO totally reasonable to keep the twins under curfew... if those are the rules that you used with your other children before they were grown, and are using with them now. Even whining that it wouldn't be fair can be met with a laugh. HOW would it not be fair, if the 19year old was under curfew as well when he was their age? Are they proposing that they KEEP a curfew until they're 19 as well? Somehow I doubt that. :) Or that they'd thought that particular "not fair" argument through... unless they're just trying to guilt one by you. ;)

My friends always had midnight curfews when we were in high school. I never had a curfew, but was almost always home by midnight anyway since there was no one to hang out with after that!

I agree with another poster that you can make different rules for the twins because they are in high school and not college.

One friend used to have an 11 p.m. curfew and we all thought it was way too early! I think midnight is great for high school kids.

Karen
http://oc.citymommy.com

You might want to check the law regarding minors driving. In California I think under 18 are not allowed to drive after 11:00pm. Our 17 year old son has an 11:00 curfew if he is driving and 12:30 if he's not.

I do not have a teen, but I think I have some good advice so I'm gonna chime in:) Hope you don't mind. I think curfews are important... at 17 one does not make good choices all the time and in today's world there are way too many things going on. If you check, some cities also have curfews for anyone under the age of 18 so that might also help you support your case At 17 I would suggest that school nights would be 10pm and non-school nights 11pm. Anything later is on a case by case situation agreed upon ahead of time. If she is going to be late for ANY reason she is to call. No call = the time moves earlier by 1 hour for at least one month on both school and non-school nights.
As far as your son goes, i agree with the other poster who said to try to set a curfew on someone who is viewed legally as an adult can totally backfire. My family tried it with me when I was staying at home during college on breaks. It didn't work well. What I did respond well to was being told that I was expected to have common decency and respect and to let my granny know what time I was going to be home and if anything changed then I let her know. That's it!

I pretty much agree with the other moms here. Your twins should have a curfew that you feel comfortable with. It can be different on school nights vs weekend nights. As far as your 19 year old son goes, he shouldn't have any curfew. He is an adult in the eyes of the law and should be treated as such. He does need to be respectful while living under your roof by communicating his whereabouts and when he will be home.

When our older son was 19, living at home, we did not give him a curfew...but we would ask when he expected to be home, and if he wasn't going to make it please give us a call so we didn't worry....
He moved out to get married at 25 and he always followed this, we would get a call or he would be home.
Good luck!
Carol

Providing your 19yo is respectable and doing what you ask of him - (doing well in school, helping out at home, etc..) I wouldn't put a curfew on him. Your daughter is 17 and still in High School. Enough said.

Yea, she is going to say that's not fair.. but it is. He is 19 AND in college. He had a curfew when he was 17, right?

I think my curfew was midnight at that age. Well, let me just say - looking back, that was too late. We weren't doing anything productive at that time of the night! LOL!

Congrats on being married so long and raising 4 good kids!
Michele

Hello Pam. I say, regarding the 19 y/o, no curfew, as long as he tells you where he is going and when he'll be home (out of respect). That's what I do with my 18 y/o. Even though she has a cell phone that she can use, I prefer to know where she is going, who she'll be with, and about what time to expect her. As far as the twins, I say it depends on what they are doing. I think 11 or 12 is a good time, but maybe 10 is also good. It just really depends. Also, if it's a school night I say no later than 11:00.

At 17 my daughter still had to be home by 11pm unless there was a specific reason she needed to be out late a movie getting out after 11pm. She always had the earliest curfew of her peers but it did keep her out of trouble. When she graduated high school she was still 17 and she still had to be home by midnight. After she turned 18 in August we moved it to like 1pm (by then her boyfriend was 20 & no curfew) She is really good about letting me know where she is and when she will be home. I also agree with the driving issue if she was driving she had to be home by 11pm if someone older was driving it was ok to be out later. Good luck

Hi Pam,

I thought my husband's family (five kids) handled this one very well when my husband was a teenager. Curfew, very simply, is set based on maturity and responsiblity, not age. If a child is mature and responsible and can handle a late (or non-existent) curfew, then that's what he/she has. If a child does not show maturity or responsibility, then there is a strict curfew.

For example, my sister-in-law, three years older than my husband, lived at home until she was 20 and ALWAYS had an 11pm curfew because she could never make it home on time, crashed the car, and showed little responsibility unless it was school. My husband, on the other hand, was curfew free by 17 because he had shown he could meet curfew, handled all his responsibilities well and had generally shown he knew how to make good decisions when out and about.

My mom handled it similarly. My curfew in high school depended entirely on what I was doing and who I was doing it with. For example, I worked at an ice cream parlor my senior year that closed at midnight, then we had to clean the store. My curfew was 3:30am because my co-workers and I would go to an all night pancake house for "breakfast" and unwind after work. When I started dating my husband, and hanging out with him after work, my curfew was cut back (severely) to one hour past clocking out...and my mom would call and check. I was pretty darn mad at my mom for that one, but I understand why.

It may be time for a family meeting to set the "guidelines" for curfew with the disparate ages and maturity levels in your household. Remind everyone that as long as they live under your roof, your rules apply, and age is NOT the determining factor. Responsiblity and maturity are. If your daughter wants later curfews, she will act accordingly and that includes accepting that there are limits on what a 17 year old girl can safely do in this world.

I would also call local law enforcement and see if there are any local curfews for high schoolers in your area.

Hope this helps. Good luck! I've taught high school for 17 years and this is a sticky issue. But, most parents do a good job and it's only after the fact that students "get it." Safety first.

Curfews can be useful to the teenager as well as the adult....

In High School, after 16 years old my curfew was 10pm. On weekends, 11pm. I was to always call if I wasn't making curfew with a good excuse. As I got older (I left the house at 23 years of age) my curfew was 12am. My Mom and I had clear communication. I didn't have a cell phone. I was to call at midnight, no matter what and let Mom know when I was coming home. Often she would not go to bed unless every kid in the house was home. She was never angry or nagging... she showed respect at all times.
So, I would explain it as a courtesy issue with your 19 year old. Under my roof... we will be safe and parents do worry. I wouldn't give him a curfew, but do require that he calls by 12am to let you know when he is coming home. Coming in late will wake the household....
Sometimes curfew is good.. one time, I had a bad date and my curfew safed me. It was nice to come home and get rid of a bad situation.

Have your kids use this as a tool not a punishment.

Good luck,
MIchelle

Hi Pam,
Even though your daughter may think she should have the same privileges as the 19 year, she is still a minor and he is a legal adult. She should have a curfew. I believe that all through high school our daughter will have a curfew of 12:00, no later. She is only 15 now and has to be home by 11:00 to 11:30 right now, but I am the ride and so that's when she gets picked up. She will be driving soon, Feb. and I know things may want to change. I just believe that children shouldn't be out or driving home past 12:00. That is my parental opinion and I am sticking to it! Good luck!
~~Diana

Hi Pam,
There have been some great responses, I have a couple of questions for you...

What is the reason for the curfew? Safety? Are you worried they will get into trouble? Do you feel they will wake the house? Are you concerned with the choices they will make? Are you scared, controlling, or just think you "should"?

If you set the curfew and they don't abide by it, what are the consequences? If they do meet curfew, what are the consequences? (Consequences are both good and bad)

Pam, ask yourself WHY you truly think a curfew is necessary and speak to your children. Ask them what they think and want. Discuss with them your feelings and your reasoning. Explain the what's and the why's of your feelings...THEN ASK THEM THEIRS. Then you all can make an informed decision, one that is mutual and THAT is most important! Get your children involved, if they are old enough to go out by themselves, they are old enough and capable enough of discussing with you their ideas, their wants and needs. Communicate, at any age.

Barbilee
Family Success Coach

Pam,

I have an 18 year old son living at home and going to college. All of our children had a curfew of midnight until they reached 18 because the law in our community states that all children under the age of 18 must be home by midnight. With our 18 year old we have set a curfew of 2:00 a.m. or he must call prior to that (and I don't mean at 1:59) to let us know he will not be home for the night. We instituted this because I don't want to have to worry about him when he is out. This has been working out great. Good Luck.

I have 4 step kids who are now 21, 20, 17, 12. The 21 is out of the house. The 20 is back home. We have always had a 10:00p on school nights and if they are going to be out later call. If they don't call they can't go out the next night. The weekends we set 12:00a. If their grades are bad because they are out having fun when they should be studying then they have to have the homework done before they can go out.

Lately there have been a lot of fatal crashes after midnight, some because of drunk driving. I would set the curfew at midnight, mainly because it's so dangerous on the roads after that. I have a friend who has a 17 year old son who as an 11:00 curfew because of dangerous roads after that time. He gripes a little, but goes with it. It's very dangerous out there late. I just remembered, there is a legal curfew for kids under 18, I think 11:00. They should abide by that. My daughter is only 14, but even when she's a little older, I would have her in by 9:30 on a school night because she needs her sleep to do good in school.

The 17 year old is just going to have to deal until she is 18. I grew up with 4 sisters. 1 older and 3 younger. When we turned 18 our lives were up to us. The only rule was that during the week because of school/work nights, the house had to be quiet by 10. If we came home after that we had to be quiet and with no friends. If your child is old enough to vote and go to war then he/she is charge of their own life. However, if you are paying for school, you can definitely require the grades to be stellar. The twins will survive with living with the rules that have been placed. Let them whine, they will get over it. Good luck.