Wondering what the appropriate level of give and take in relationship with grown daughter should be. One of my daughters says she can't take me sharing things that I'm going through that are upsetting as it is too heavy for her emotionally. Yet I am always there to listen when things are not going right in her life, even though it is heavy emotionally. Is a mother supposed to treat her grown daughter like a best friend, sharing her joys and sorrows....or am I supposed to protect her from negative things? I really would like to have her emotional support through some very tough times, but I do not want to be selfish. Who is a mother supposed to confide in? My own mother has Alzheimer's, my husband can only take so much, same with friends. I don't really want to burden anyone but I can't carry it alone. I am generally strong and upbeat, but I do need support sometimes.
my roomate's mom makes $73 an hour on the internet . She has been without work for 9 months but last month her pay check was $15513 just working on the internet for a few hours. go to this website .....
With mine and my mothers relationship is very close, we share almost everything. I do not think it is weird, because if she is going through something I would like to know, that way if there is anything i can do I can help her. I know some peoples relationships are different and do not feel comfy talking about some stuff, however we do. She listens to me as i do with her. it does not bother me hearing what she is going through, i feel for her yes, but usually we are able to come up with something that makes her feel better and a way she can get through what she is going through
Here's the good news: your daughter respects you highly enough to tell you when she can't handle the hard stuff.
I think it's very hard to find a good confidante. I would not pick my own adult daughters (or my sons). They have lives of their own. They can handle their friends' confidences, but the mother-child relationship is still there and it would be hard for them to listen to me.
So who else is there? Is there a support group for people who have parents with Alzheimer's? That sounds like an impersonal solution, but sometimes that's a good thing. You'll have people who don't have a vested interest in you, but can understand where you're coming from in terms of your anxieties. Sometimes you can "unload" on people like this, who will understand, help, and then shrug off what they need to shrug. You would do the same for them.
With my children, I am very careful about what I share that is on the negative side. I'm not going to unload on them.
Just a thought.
I think it's perfectly fine for there to still be some boundaries. Your daughter was comfortable enough to let you know that she wants to maintain some mother-daughter boundaries and I really do think that's appropriate. Some mothers and daughters are very public in their BFF-Girlie-Buddy-Buddy-ness and I always find it forced.
My mom and I confide a lot in each other, but we also both have husbands and my brothers and our own best friends. There are some things that I just can't take hearing from her and I really do wish she wouldn't tell me, while there are other things she does keep from me until she has no choice but to tell me (like health issues and honestly any health issues are something I WANT to know).
We just try to be respectful of each other's boundaries. That's what daughters AND mothers are supposed to do.
EDIT: This is not to say that my mom and I aren't close, and it's not to say that you can't be close with your daughter too. It's just saying that your daughter is setting a boundary about what she considers oversharing.
you might want to see a counselor. Friends are suppose to be there too.
No, do not put this on your adult daughter. It is great she is letting you know she does not want to be involved.
I would let her know if you or your husband has cancer for example. My mom and dad died a slow painful death and neither one of them burden me with heavy stories (not that I know of an affair, but this topic would not be something to detail to a child). Not to say it never happened, it just was not something they did often.
When our burdens become so heavy that our husbands, friends and children can't provide the ear and support we need it's time to seek outside help.
Get yourself a therapist. This is what they do, they provide an objective and non emotional ear, and they can help you figure out how to handle the emotions that are stressing you out and bringing you down. Please do it, you will feel so much better and so will the people around you!
It does sound like you have gone through all of the people in your life and now it is time to speak with a professional. It is a tremendous hlep to have someone outside of your life to listen and then to guide you through what is going on.. .Please find someone.
There is no one answer as to what a relationship between a mother and her adult children should be. It depends on what the two of you decide.
My mother had a health scare and wanted me to go with her to her appointments. She knows I am not frightened by these things. I like hearing the truth and working towards a solution. My sister on the other hand, in no way likes this type of thing. She shuts down. She wants to know after the fact.
Heck my sister stormed out of a family event when we were discussing the recent deaths of close family members from earlier that week. She said "it was not appropriate to talk about his stuff". We all looked around and thought, when is an appropriate time?.. That was actually the last time she attended anything where the whole family was together.
She still gets mad at my mother if she calls to tell her someone is ill, or has died.
And so my mother only shares day in day out kind of things with my sister.
And I in no way do I want to hear about my mother and her husbands sex life, even though in the beginning he tried to pull that crap with me. I shut that down by telling him he was very inappropriate to ever speak about their sex life outside the 2 of them.
Our daughter is pretty willing to hear everything going on in our lives, but I edit, the super private parts between me and my husband. Our daughter is a private person over all and I honor and respect that. I do not take it personally, it is just who she is.
So interesting you asked this question -- I was just discussing this very thing with some friends yesterday.
First of all, I brought up this topic with my friends because I am getting really tired of my own mother sharing all her burdens of aging with me. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about them, and listening to someone complain all the time is really unpleasant.
My mother needs to complain about her physical ailments with other old people who can empathize, not to me. I would not go to someone thirty years younger to vent about menopause and the empty nest -- which are two of my current woes -- so why should someone who is much older than I come to me to complain about things with which I cannot empathize?
When I discussed this with my friends, I also brought up your dilemma -- at what point and how much are we entitled to share with our own daughters? Because I certainly understand wanting to let my daughter know just how hard some things can be. But ultimately, it's not fair to place your burdens on your daughter, and she is not the one who can help you, anyway. It's one thing to maybe say a few sentences to your daughter, like, for example, "Menopause sucks and this time of life can be difficult," but after that you need to go find friends your own age who share your experiences. Your daughter is not at your point of life yet, and she cannot and should not have to help you.
Short answer: Find friends your own age you can discuss these issues with.
So interesting you asked this question -- I was just discussing this very thing with some friends yesterday.
First of all, I brought up this topic with my friends because I am getting really tired of my own mother sharing all her burdens of aging with me. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about them, and listening to someone complain all the time is really unpleasant.
My mother needs to complain about her physical ailments with other old people who can empathize, not to me. I would not go to someone thirty years younger to vent about menopause and the empty nest -- which are two of my current woes -- so why should someone who is much older than I come to me to complain about things with which I cannot empathize?
When I discussed this with my friends, I also brought up your dilemma -- at what point and how much are we entitled to share with our own daughters? Because I certainly understand wanting to let my daughter know just how hard some things can be. But ultimately, it's not fair to place your burdens on your daughter, and she is not the one who can help you, anyway. It's one thing to maybe say a few sentences to your daughter, like, for example, "Menopause sucks and this time of life can be difficult," but after that you need to go find friends your own age who share your experiences. Your daughter is not there yet, and cannot and should not have to help you.
Answer: Find friends your own age you can discuss these issues with.
She is not your "friend."
She is not your buddy.
She is your daughter.
You are her Mom.
Sure, as an adult, a "kid" has to grow up too and realize that their parents are getting older and have concerns.
But yet, not all people can handle, hearing their Mom's problems or personal things/issues.
Your daughter, HAS told you she cannot emotionally handle.... your problems. So she told you. You have to also, as an adult.... understand that. NOT expecting her, or anyone else... to be able to "handle" what you are telling them or expecting of them or expecting them to handle your problems. If they cannot.
FIND a support group.
If you do not have friends that you can talk to and confide it.
The thing is: whether it is your grown "kid" or a co-worker or a friend or other adult... you CANNOT "expect" the other person, to be able to handle or bear... your problems. If they, cannot.
So then, you MUST go an find a "support group."
For example, one for "care givers" or whatever else the support group, addresses.
Your daughter is not a "Therapist."
Maybe you need to find a Therapist. For yourself.
When I was younger, one of my siblings would DUMP ALL HER PROBLEMS ON ME and expect me to. Because, I was her sibling. BUT at no time... does that mean that a "relative" HAS TO, do it.
IF the person cannot handle... ALL your problems, then they cannot.
And you, CANNOT expect, them to.
There is a time, to realize... that you need, more help. From a professional or support group.
NOT everyone, can handle.... listening to another person's problems, continually.
You need a professional to vent to, AND/or a support group who you can vent to, AND give you, coping skills. Or help you to problem, solve.
You said you want your daughter's emotional support.
BUT she cannot, do that, for you.
She cannot handle that.
She told you.
She is not a bad daughter.
She is just saying, her boundaries... and what she can handle or not, mentally.
You need to respect that.
And have communication about it.
And not make her feel guilty about it.
Therapist. Or church. If things are that hard that it's "too much" for your husband and friends, you should find a professional, because that level of stress isn't healthy for you. Someone else mentioned support groups - there are probably some in your area that deal with aging parent/alzheimers.
It's not ok to dump on your child. She may be an adult, and you can share some of it, but she's your daughter, not your friend/spouse/therapist.
I remember my mother confiding in me about the breakup of her relationship when I was 16 - it was so not right. Please don't do that. Seriously, you're her MOM - being supportive for them is what we DO. Balance is the key. If it's too much, back off. She can give love/support in general, but don't dump on her.
What would you do if you did not have a daughter?
It's actually a good sign that she told you that she can't handle too much of your stuff. Many young women would just shut you out. At least she trusts you with her feelings.
Do you remember what it's like to be young and trying to get your life off the ground?
My heart truly goes out to you and I hope things get better for you. I just think you need to seek emotional support elsewhere. It really is supposed to be more of a one-way street with our kids (though I don't think adult children should dishonor their parents).
I agree very much with Rosebud's answer, and many answers here.
Good luck, and hugs to you. I'm sorry that you're going through so much.
It may be that you do need someone to talk to. I often tell people the reason counseling works is because you get to talk to someone and they listen. Until you finally realize what it is you are trying to achieve.
Working through issues you are having is not easy. Your daughter doesn't want to be your friend, she wants you as her mom, not someone she has a friend like relationship with.
Since you said your friends are getting tired of your sharing perhaps it's time you shared them with a counselor so you don't have so many you have to go through alone.
Hi DK,
I don't think there is a 'supposed to be' answer here. Just you, your needs to vent/seek counsel, and your daughter who is feeling like this is too much for her.
My suggestion would be to seek out a therapist. Why? Simply put-- your daughter made a clear boundary, and you want to respect that because that's what she is needing. She is giving you a clear message that she cannot handle it. Unlike a friendship, where there is mutual give and take (hopefully, ideally), this isn't a friendship-- she will always be your daughter and you will always be her mom.
If you can't carry it alone, do find a good counselor. I think that would be the healthy next step. It's burdensome in a friendship to be 'the only one I can talk to' for another person, if that makes sense. It makes the person who doesn't want to be the recipient of the woes and troubles of that other person very resentful. They can grow to feel dumped on and that their feelings aren't respected. I'm guessing that you very much don't want to add to the complications in your life by insisting that your daughter do/be for you someone that she has very transparently stated that she doesn't want to be. Yes, when our kids or friends or family are already going through their own 'heavy stuff', we do sometimes shield them from our own heavy stuff out of compassion. Please, find a professional who WANTS to be empathetic and who is emotionally available in the way you are needing. .
As with anyone else, you ask for her support at the level she feels able to give it.
Mothers confide in the same people everyone else does - friends, family, clergy, counselors/therapists.
Looking around at the bazillions of mother-daughter relationships in my life, it's clear they are all different. All the personality blends, all the life circumstances, all different, and we do well to notice and respect those variations.
There are things I will tell my 43yo daughter if she asks, which she does on occasion, but her life is more than full and she has her own challenges. I don't expect her to be someone else. She insists, though, and only half-jokingly, that she'll be there to change my Depends. I hope we're still years away from that situation. =-o
I hope you'll find support among your age peers, neighbors, the clergy or professional counseling. If you're wearing out your current circle, perhaps you are not able to hear or act on the suggestions they make, and that becomes discouraging over time.
I actually think it's wonderful that your daughter knows her emotional limits, and can express those. You will both continue to mature and change, but she may never be the right person to support YOU in the ways you perceive your own needs.
Look at it from the view of you and your mother. What kind of things would you want your mom to share or have shared with you when you were your daughter's age.
While you do need someone to share these things with, it may not be a family member. Have you tried looking in to different group at church or a community center? Sometimes, keeping a journal, or having some quiet time, where you can just talk things out to yourself or to God can make a difference.
Not your daughter! Get a therapist if you need one but children are not there to be your therapist! Neither are ex wives but that is another post.
She is nice enough to tell you it is too much for her. What I don't understand is you are willing to limit your whining to your friends but you think your daughter should suck it up. Why would you treat your friends better than your own child?
Um, after reading your answer to another question it has nothing to do with having kids of your own. I have four, I have an adult daughter, I respect when she says don't want to continue this topic. My mom never respected my nicely saying don't want to hear this. I was her daughter, not her therapist, it is VERY uncomfortable to hear your mom bitch about stuff. She wouldn't respect my autonomy, I stopped answering her calls. When she developed Alzheimers I was there for my dad, not her.
We should be able to count on the kiddults for some emotional support, yes, but we should not be burdening them. They are not our best friend. If your needs are such that they are too much for your husband, your friends, your mother, why would it be different with your daughter? If your need for support is that great, what you might need is some professional assistance from a therapist, or perhaps a support group. Yes, we should share joys and sorrows, but if you are depending upon your daughter too much, then you need to listen to her. She is not your spouse, best friend or therapist. It sounds like you need more support than any one person can offer.