I would love to hear insights from others who have addressed this issue. I am the very fortunate mother of a 17-month old. I have a job that let's me get home around 4:00 p.m. during the week, and pays very well. I have built my career for over a decade. I have a wonderful nanny who takes great care of my son while I work. Lately, though, I have really felt the pull to quit my job and be a stay at home mom. There are several reasons for this: as "good" as my job is, it causes me a tremendous amount of stress and rarely makes me happy. I love the company of my son, and would like to be the every day caretaker, rather than evenings and weekends. On the other hand, although we could live on my husband's salary, it would be tight. We obviously would have to lay off our nanny, and it really distresses me to think that she would be out of work in this economy. Plus, I feel so ungrateful for not being grateful for my job. My husband tells me he just wants me to be happy - which is wonderful, but doesn't help me figure out what would make me happy. Any thoughts/experiences you would like to share? Thanks!
Here are some things to consider. Nobody can care for your child like YOU can. My mother always said that. Right now I am a stay at home mother myself, but I won't lie, there are days every now and then that I wish that I did work, just to break the monotony. But thats not very often honestly.
You need to consider the amount of stress on you and what that does to you, your family life, and most importantly, what it does to your relationship with your son. You cannot get hung up thinking about your nannys situation, either. Not at yours and your familys expense. Children are only young and only need you for a short time. You can work in a few years or sooner, whatever you decide, but it sounds like that for now, you staying home is your best bet. Good luck!
I think it is totally a personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves. Some people don't have even the hint of a possibility to stay home with their kids and some people simply don't desire to?
That being said, you did ask for insight, so I'll give you my take on the matter. For right now, I really feel like the Lord is providing a way for me to care for and raise our children on a daily basis and I am extremely grateful for that. I can't imagine having to rely on someone else to teach my kids and love on my kids and care for their needs all day long. So, I'm glad I don't have to! It's not easy, however. There are really rough and long days, but when I get frustrated on those days, I try and remember how blessed I am to be able to spend these moments with our kids. They will not be young forever and I feel like I would be crazy not to do all that I can to cherish these years with them. My husband and I work 3 part-time jobs between us to make this a reality, so it can be done!
I also work full time. And while I like my job/career and it is generally pretty satisfying, if I had the choice, I would stay at home with my daughter.
You son is only going to be little once, but you have years left to go back to work when he goes to school. It may not be the exact same position at this exact company, but your will find something that you like doing.
I already feel that I cannot get back the years that my daughter has spend in daycare instead of with me. Ten years down the road, I probably even won't remember the names of the people I work with how, but I will always know that I missed my daughters important "firsts" and that someone else taught her some of the things that I wanted her to learn from me.
You have great hours and it sounds like a very fulfilling career so it is a tough decision to make.
I spent 10 yrs building my career and had good pay. My boss was wonderful and said he would accommodate to my needs when I got pregnant. He even said I could set my own hours and extended my maternal leave. But I also wanted to a day caretaker and be there for my daughter AND husband in the evening and weekends. So I stayed at home. Now, I regret working so hard and I am glad I am spending the maximum amount of time I can with my child and husband, not just with my child.
Despite the joy I received from caring for my daughter, I didn't realize how much I identified myself with my job and basically had to reinvent myself as a different person because I was no longer that career woman. I would suggest taking the time to process that change and even grieve if you have to. People no longer referred to me as Mrs. X who is an amazing (whatever profession) but as Ashley's mom.
Don't feel ungrateful for your job. For me, I felt ungrateful to my parents who paid for me to get my degree. I felt as if I was throwing away the education they paid for by laying my career aside and not bring productive with that gift they gave me. They worked SO hard to pay for my college bills. So that was something I had to let go of and be at peace with.
Sounds like you have a supportive husband. Be grateful for that. Not many husbands nowadays are like that. Also be aware that there will be days when he may seem to be taking you for granted because he might expect you to do certain things since you "don't work" now. But you have to make it clear that being a SHM is a 24/7 job and your work hours are actually longer now.
As for your nanny, I understand about feeling bad about the economy but since I stopped working, my husband actually got a drastic pay cut so I had to cut my housekeeper's hours. I didn't fire her completely but instead have her come in less often. Would you be able to afford that? Because it will still be helpful to have someone to watch the baby when you do laundry, cook dinner, mow the lawn, go get your hair cut, etc. You also need to spend quality time with your husband and there will be issues that you may have to discuss with him without a child distracting you.
If you need to let go of her completely, don't feel bad because in this economy, she will probably find another mom who NEEDS to work and is having a tough time finding a good nanny.
I actually cut a lot of my expenses, even household expenses, eating out, etc to keep my housekeeper because her help once or twice a month helps so much to keep my sanity!
I am totally pro-SHM and I'm blessed to have a husband who supports this idea 100%. Hope this helps.
I think it's a really tough call, and only you can decide. One thing to consider is how hard it might be to get back into the workforce if you do take time off. If there's a possibility to cut down to part time, or switch to a part time job, that might be a good happy medium. I'm at home with our young ones now, for many of the reasons you mention. I love it, but I do worry about finding work in the future. I don't mind that things are tight, in the sense that I don't care if we can't buy a lot of stuff -- but I do worry about not being able to save for college, not paying into Soc Security or a retirement plan. You have to think about the future, as well as how to manage things financially in the present. If there's an in-between solution, that would let you be at home more, but still work some, that might be ideal. But you're the only one who knows the specifics of your situation well enough to decide.
You sound like a great woman... for even caring about your Nanny and not wanting her to be without a job in this economy. Your Hubby just wants you to be happy. You are lucky. Very lucky.
I am a SAHM. Yes it is tighter when being a SAHM and on 1 paycheck... but your child is young only once. And you will make ends meet. Being a SAHM is just as much hard work as a regular job... except you do not have paid holidays or days' off, or vacations... because being "Mom" is 24/7.
But it is rewarding, and as my daughter told me once "I'm glad your'e a home-mom Mommy...." and that makes it all so worthwhile.
All the best to you in whatever you decide... no one can decide for you, and you have the luxury of deciding your own path in this, since your Husband is supportive of you either way. That is why... your Hubby does not help you figure it out... because it has to come from inside you... and you need to be sure, in your heart... what you want to do. Your Hubby cannot do that for you. But he is there for you.
Good luck,
Susan
You really need to think about it, weigh in pros and cons because you will struggle with the decision for years to come. make sure it is what you want to become a stay at home mom, and that you can let go the major part of your identity.
i had to quit working because of lack of family support. we have no one to rely on. i am a good mom, yet i struggle every day with the fact that i threw away 18 years of education, my goals, my dreams. i have lost my identity completely. at this point i have no idea who i am and what i want out of life.
my mom worked throughout raising three kids. she now has three adult kids with their own families. so we were not hurt in any way even though she worked the entire time.
if i could, i would go back to work.
good luck
First things first .... others can give you input, but it really is your choice to make (not even your husbands.) That said, here's the voice of experience:
I worked full-time when my son was born, and did so until he was in 4th grade and his sister was born. My job was dissolved, so the decision was made for me. There are obviously major differences between children, but I think in many ways my son benefited from me working full-time. He is more independent and more confident ... and was so even at her age.
You sound like a very caring person, and that will totally come across to your son whether you are with him 24/7 until he starts school in a year or two ... or whether he's with a nanny for those couple of years and has playdates with mom late afternoons and weekends.
Others have told me that regardless of which you chose you'll have the "I should haves" ... unfortunately, that's how life functions.
Remember, you'll always be his mom, and that's the relationship to work on however many hours you are together ... now and forever. Eventually, they all move on and we hope we did what's best for them (and for us.)
Good luck ... and enjoy life!!
Seven years ago I was right where you are, minus the nanny. My parents watched my baby while I worked.
I felt the same and became very unhappy that I was home for dinner, bath & bedtime and that was it for M-F.
I waited 39 years to have a baby and I really felt like I was missing SO much.
MY solution was to speak with my employer and I started working PT. It was (and still IS) a much better balance for me.
My income dropped drastically but they kept my generous hourly pay rate untouched so I still make pretty good money considering I only work 2 days per week.
As for the difference in income if you quit or reduce your hours, I would encourage you to step off of that hamster wheel and you will be AMAZED at how little you spend when you are at home. It will work out if you want it/need it to. Good luck! Follow your heart!
You've answered your own question. Your "job" doesn't make you happy, it only stresses you. You don't like being the "evening/weekend" caretaker of your own child. Your son makes you happy. That right there would do it for me. I have a pretty strong opinion about this subject. Since the day your son was born, your "career" changed from whatever job you have been doing for the last 10 yrs. to being a mommy. It is far more important that you be home raising your baby, playing with your baby, teaching your baby, and loving your baby up every day than it is to bring a paycheck home from some company that doesn't depend on you, love you and look up to you the way your son does. As for the nanny, she found a job filling your shoes all day, I'm sure she can find another one. There are plenty of moms out there who by choice would rather be working than staying home actually raising their kids, so I'm sure one of them will pick her up. Although, I have never understood why some women have babies if they don't want to be the one home raising them. You should not feel the slightest bit guilty for wanting to be the one to mommy your baby and you shouldn't feel bad at all about leaving your job. You should feel elated. You will be doing something way more important with your time once you make the decision to be home with your son. As for the money...it's not important. If your husband can support you, let him. You can do your part by shopping smart (coupons and clearance) and you can always cut back on things that aren't necessities. Plus, the ego boost your husband will get from knowing he is such a great man for taking care of his wife and child is priceless. Eight yrs ago, my son was born and my husband and I both felt very strongly that nobody would be raising our child but us. There is no way we would pay someone to play the role of mom while I worked. And essentially that is what a nanny does. Your baby spends most of his time with her and thus she becomes the "mommy figure" in his life daily. So, the day our boy was born was the last day I worked at that big company that I was moving up in and getting paid very well at. 2 yrs later we had our daughter, and I don't regret for one microsecond deciding to give the financial reigns to my husband so that I could be home watching our children grow, not missing any of their firsts and getting to witness all of the silly, sweet, adorable and great things they did. When your son is in school (i.e. Kindergarten or 1st grade) there will be plenty of time in the day to fill with a job. That is where I sit now...I work part time around my kids' school schedule my husband's work schedule so that one of us is always here for our kids. That is a commitment we have made and we stick to it. So, I say go with your gut feeling and be a mommy, not an evening/weekend caregiver, and be proud of yourself for doing it. Remember this....You can ALWAYS be replaced at some job, you can NEVER be replaced as mommy.
I too spent 10 years building my career before having my son. However, when I had my son I knew I wanted my primary 'career' to be being his mother and if there was any way for my to be his primary caregiver, I wanted to do that more than anything. It felt silly for me to carry this little person for 9 months and then hand him over to someone else every day to be cared for and raised. A full time job is 40hours generally plus commuting time, time preparing for work, errands run after work because it's easier without the baby, etc. ....that 40 hours is usually closer to 60 and that means you are only spending a couple hours a day at most with your little one. It would break my heart to think about my son bonding so closely to someone other than his parents.
You only get one chance to raise your own child and be their primary person. Jobs come and go and even if this specific job isn't available down the road, you can almost guarantee that some job will be available if look hard enough....your baby won't be a baby forever and that is a definite guarantee. Live so you don't have regrets.
And while it is kind that you care about your nanny...don't let that interfere with doing what is best for you and your child.
Good luck.
HI Sarah,
I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with my son when he was an infant. However, by the time he was a year I was dying to go back to work and have a little adult stimulation. I have worked anywhere from a 15 hour work week to 60 hr weeks, depending on the season and which company I was with. With all that being said, my income has helped our family quite a bit but my husband is really the money maker. After 6 years of work I am trying to get back in the financial position so I can stay home again. The moral of the story is If I am a SAHM I can't wait to go back to work and if I am a working mom I try to find ways to stay home, lol. You will have to find the balance that is right for you. Please don't allow guilt to sway you either way. Most families require 2 incomes and you are lucky to have a great job, a supportive husband , a wonderful nanny, and the opportunity to stay home with your little man if you want. Good Luck with your decision.
I sent flowers to all the moms who advised that only you can make that decision. It's your family, your career. Only you know what the right answer is for you.
I've always been a working mom. I love my children more than anything else, and I would do a good job as a SAHM, but I don't think I would be fulfilled personally nor would my children be as advanced as they are having been in day care.
That being said, our kids are in a structured day care facility where there is a curriculum, a strong base of education, music, etc. With kids 21 months apart, and 2 different learning levels, I don't think I'd be able to teach at each of their respective levels effectively.
Even the moms I know who are SAHM mostly send their kids to day care/preschool at a certain age (usually around 2 years) to begin socializing and introducing environments without Mom being there.
If I'd been a SAHM when I had my daughter, our lives would have been a lot different as I was diagnosed with cancer before she was 11 weeks. There is no way I could have been in treatment and cared for a new born and a 2 year old. By having them in Day Care, they were well-cared for, I was able to have a quiet house on the days I was too sick to work, and being a full-time employee gave me the opportunity to keep my mind off of the magnitude of the situation.
My friends who SAH are split in their happiness as are the moms who work. There can be regrets either way. Think through it - as many people said, this is a tough economy. I had a good-paying job that stressed me out, and I really didn't like it, and I was laid off with 199 other colleagues in May. I was fortunate to get back to work (at 80% of my old salary + no bonus) quickly. Many of the other people who were laid off are still not back to work.
I don't have a choice, I have to work. But, I make sure each minute with them counts. It's OK to me if they go to bed later than other kids so I can spend more time with them.
Just some food for thought. Good luck with your decision. Enjoy that time with your family.
Staying at home means your child grows up the way you choose, however good a nanny is, she's not you...if money is tight see if you could do something part time when Dad can enjoy taking care of your child. Don't feel guilty about your Nanny's employment as presumably you will give her notice and she can start looking for employment or if she was available for part time, you could look for p/t work and keep her on for that. Think carefully as your child is only young for a very short time and I feel very guilty about working when one of mine was little.
I worked full time until two years ago, cut down to part time for a year, then stopped working altogether. I thought I would be happy at home with my kids all the time, but nowadays I feel really stir crazy. It's harder than you would think to have the same routine every day and very little adult conversation. Also, remember that the expectations of your work at home will be different. Your husband will expect you to do more around the house (cleaning, cooking, yardwork, etc.) and you won't have the same amount of money coming in to pay someone else to do it. The tedium of cooking every meal, doing the majority of the shopping, cleaning up every single mess wears on you. Also, we haven't had a vacation in a very long time. No money.
Of course, everyone's experience staying at home is different. There are many positive's to consider, as well. Personally, I've decided to go back to school full time in the fall. I can't wait.
Is there any way you could take a few weeks off and live like you would if you sah? Live off of only your husbands pay for a month?
If you do decide to stay home, make SURE you stay current in your field. Keep in touch with your co-workers. You might need it sooner than you think.
I am currently working full-time, but just started with another company part-time to bring in extra money. Right now, it's helping us save money on some of our expenses and bring in extra income. And some day I will probably be able to work from home exclusively. That is what this company does. It helps moms work from home to have more time with their families. Let me know if you want more information. This is something you could try now while your still working and it may make the decision for you to stay home a little easier.
Lots of pros and cons to think of, but at the end of the day you have to live with your decision. Think long and hard before you make either decision and than be okay with whatever you decide. Is moving down to part-time or working from home some an option? Sometimes you can have the best of both worlds. Keep in mind that your child would probably be going to preschool before long and factor that in. Its great that you are thinking of the nanny, just make sure you give her as much notice as you can and of course a great letter of reference. If you do stay at home full time make sure to keep in contact with friends/coworkers----it is very different being a SAHM and you get lonely at times and need some adult stimulation. Best of luck with your choice--you'll make the right one for you!
Hi Sarah. I am a mother of 2 toddler girls (ages 4.5 and 3) and what I wouldn't give for my husband to be able to support us without my income, even if it's tight. It pains me to get up and leave them every morning, and even more so, that they'll wake up with me already gone to work. My work provides us with our health benefits and it's not so easy to let that go. Anyway, our babies are only this young for a short time. These are the formative years. Life is too short. Do what is best and what makes you happy. Your baby will benefit from it the most.
I felt that my career defined me, then after having to go through infertility to get my first daughter I realized that I was wrong but because my husband's job did not offer benefits I had to work full-time until my second daughter was born and my husband's law practice took off. Long story made short, after five wonderful years home with my daughters, my husband had some major health issues and ended up not being able to work at the pace he was working which supported our lifestyle and I had to return to work full time. After returning to work my six year old daughter started having many problems at school and grades started dropping for both of them. Keep in mind that I too had a known and loving nanny. My husband and I made the decision a month ago that I would return to my life as a stay at home mom, volunteering at the girls school for now. We have had to make some changes in our life style that included selling our high mortgage home and moving into a less expensive rental , and there are days that I am not sure if I have made the right decision, but I am in my second week home and the reports from school have been good and I have seen marked improvement in the school work being produced. I have to say that I am not a domestic person, and I am in school right now getting my masters and our house is a nightmare, but I will be able to look back on this time and thank God that I had it with my girls. Our nanny was with us for four years, a part of our family, yes even when I wasn't working, so I understand your distress. Always do what is right for your family, and keep in mind that it might not be what you think.