I'm 25 years old and getting ready to finish college. My husband is several years older than me and we've been together for 4 years. I know that I'm young, but I've had baby fever for a long time now. I also have a hormonal imbalance that has made me infertile since I was about 19. I haven't worried much about the infertility because I am young and in college and know that I haven't been ready even though my husband is. My question is this: I'm going to finish college soon with a degree in English education. My husband is working on finishing his degree as well in computer networking. Is it better to wait until after I have my career and we have an established life or start with a baby and develop a life around him or her?
(I'm also a first timer on here so please be gentle)
Finish your degree, get a year or two under your belt and then start your family. I believe it makes you a much more well rounded person and a better life partner to have something that "is your own" ... and that you could fall back on if you have to/ want to work after your child is born.
I worked for 20 years prior to having children (also had fertility issues) and I no longer work... but on several levels wish I had made a career choice that would have allowed me to work (even a little) and still be a mom (nurse, teacher, etc.) Good luck!
It is not better or worse either way! :) And congrats on your future careers and being almost out of school.
My husband and I got married our junior year in college and when we had been married over 2 years and I was at least halfway through graduate school (and he finally had full-time work and health insurance) we decided to start our family. I had no issues with being pregnant in grad school or having a baby and even though I had started out intending to pursue a PhD in English Literature, I'm very happy working full-time for a Child Care Resource and Referral Agency and expecting my third little boy. My husband just finished his BA in History, which he did put off because of employment conflicts, not because of kids, and we are probably just going to see where life takes us from here. I decided not to pursue a PhD because of the job market, not because of kids (I also haven't quite finished my MA, and that was just because my second child got very sick for almost a whole term, not a typical set-back).
I am 27 now and my husband just turned 29 if that helps. We still rent, he is still working part-time since he finished school and his company hasn't had full-time for him again, but we wouldn't trade being young parents for anything. It is a very personal choice, but I have come to look at my job as something that allows me to care for and enjoy my family. I love the Rochester area and would not want to move far from it, which we might have to do if we were really career-driven. For me, because "career" is never a guarantee, I was less inclined to focus on that over family. Honestly, the two can also grow simultaneously. I've also known women who waited very long and then struggled with fertility issues, so if you know it might be difficult for you, it couldn't hurt to try younger. If you aren't ready, you should wait, but if you're leaning in that direction, I think it is the most awesome thing in the world! :)
Wherever you feel your heart pulls you. There will never be a right time to have a child. My friend had an English degree without a career, had 4 children, then easily jumped into teaching after she got a quick teaching license, got her masters online and then became a librarian and is very fulfilled, taking the time out didn't hurt her career at all.
You can start a career, have kids, then pause your career and go back, but you still will have that pause on your resume. You can still be active in the community and volunteer to fill out the gaps in your resume if you need.
I choose to postpone education (I'm halfway done with my degree) when I had children. For me, it was the right thing to do. I sometimes wished I had finished college (I still plan on it), but I am so happy to have my boys and don't regret that. It's really such a deep, personal decision.
You have to decide what kind of mother you want to be, first. Do you want to balance a career and a child? Some women do so successfully, and some don't, either because they can't or because they choose not to.
I've heard it said that no one is ever "ready" to have a baby...there will always be one more thing to accomplish. You have to decide if you are ready.
I just want to let you know that a child is the most consuming thing you will ever encounter...for so much good! Never before have you felt such love and devotion, and such a desire to do what is right for someone.
This decision is up to you and your husband. The two of you need to sit and "daydream" about what kind of family you see yourself having, and I think you will get your answer.
Some questions to ask yourself...
Are you a homemaker? Or do you do it together?
Is he prepared to be the sole provider, or will you share the burden?
Are you going to take traditional roles of husband and wife, mother and father, or will you be modern?
Will you be able to leave a six week old baby, who you are just getting to know and just starting to really love, with a stranger or family member to return to work? If so, will you be able to fully dedicate yourself to work, and fully dedicate yourself to home once you are there? Will you be able to leave work at work, and not use being exhausted as an excuse to do either a half-way job at work, or at home? Some people have enough energy to do it all...are you one of them?
Or do you see yourself curled up in a chair with your baby until they begin to crawl?
Do you want to nurse?
How important is your career to you?
These are just examples to think about when you are daydreaming. :) I know that may seem like a structured daydream, but these are ALL issues you will have to face once you have a child. It's best to know yourself and know the answers to these and so much more.
Ultimately, only you know what will be best for you, your husband, and your future children.
I suffer from infertility as well and I just have to say that because of this we needed to have a PLAN when we were ready to have a baby. The PLANNING included visiting a reproductive endocronologist (fertility doctor).
Couples dealing with infertility probably spend more time PLANNING their pregnancy than couples who are fortunate enough to not have to deal with this issue.
That being said, this is something that you and your husband will have to spend some serious time discussing. My husband and I tried for two years before admitting and discovering that there was a problem and that we needed to seek help. I was 34 by the time I had my son. He is now 3 1/2 and I am 38. I do wish that we had decided to try earlier than we did. There are many reasons why I feel this way, but I can't turn back time.
This is a rough question, but I am sure that you and your husband will make the right decision for the both of you.
Even if you decide that you want to wait for a while it couldn't hurt to visit your OBG and have them do a thorough examination to determine what type of help you might need to conceive in the future.
Good luck. I wish you the best. It's very emotional and often stressful when dealing with infertility.
Consider first what is causing your baby fever: Is it just the desire to start a family? Is it possible that you are apprehensive about starting a teaching career? Do you plan to teach after you have children? The only reason I ask is so that you will consider what your motivation is before deciding when to start your family. If you have a child and stay at home will part of you regret not using your degree immediately? Tough questions to ask oneself but necessary because a baby, no matter how well loved and wanted, is not a substitute for finding your own way. While a few ladies talked about starting their families relatively later in their lives 35 +--given your health status waiting that long may not even be feasible. While I gave us teaching in the public school system to work from home, I knew myself well enough that I knew I had to work from home. I'm a family provider and teach classes on occasion to other providers. I feel like I have the best of both worlds. Other SAHM find additional fulfillment in other ways. Seems like you have lots to think about. Best wishes !
There is no right answer to this question. No one is ever 'ready' for a baby - you can read every book and prepare for years, but it will knock you on your ass (in a good way!) regardless.
You can weigh pros and cons and ask a thousand different people and all you'd have is a couple of lists and a thousand different answers.
I had my first at 25, my second at 26 and my third at 29 - all planned and wanted and have NO regrets. I love being home with them and am so glad I didn't ever have to leave my babies at daycare. But I know people who might actually go craz without a job outside the home. And both ways are just fine!
I would suggest that you finish your education and check with your doc before making any decisions. You have a fantastic advantage in becoming a teacher (as I assume you would be with a degree in education) in that, once your children are school-age you'll all have the same schedule.
I had fertility issues and was married 8 years before getting pregnant (never prevented - just took that long to get the right meds and have everything work out) so I had a steady career before having my son. sometimes it is a choice and sometimes the choice is made for you. think about what you want, talk to the Dr. to see what would be involved in fertility treatments for you and then make your decision. it may be that it will take some time even with treatment in which case you would not want to put career on hold while trying to have a child.
Try this book: Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth About Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives by Lori Leibovich (Author)
I had my first at 29, so I waited. You may want to consult your doctor about the infertility worries. His/her answer may well be your answer if you really want children. (In other words, what your body tells your doctor may overrule any leanings you or your husband have.) See your doctor first.
In my opinion I think children come first. If you work in education you know that substitutes can be called upon to take over for a teacher who has a baby and then the teacher comes back to work after their leave is up. Yes, you'll have to use child care, yes, it will be hard, but I think that millions of moms do just that every day.
Having had fertility issues myself (all four of my kids are Clomid babies), and having first baby at age 27, I would consult a fertility specialist and get blood workups, consultation, etc...Maybe also get a second opinion. Do you know the cause of your infertility? Is it full-blown infertility, or "sub" infertility (like me)? They can investigate your egg quality, hormones, etc. This might help you feel better about waiting if you are leaning that way. However, it can be expensive, so consider that as well. On the other hand, you may choose not to use birth control and see what happens.
I have a slightly different take on this, so I figured I'd reply. I have 3 kids, that I had very young,, and very accidentally. They are half grown now and I'm not even 30. After having them so young and giving up so much I figured if I ever wanted more kids i should do so much later. Well much later came and it turns out that my fertility isn't as good as we had thought and i had two miscarriages before we figured out the problem. All the while devastated because I wanted nothing in life as much as I wanted another baby. things happen, your body changes, and you never ever know what is going to happen. You could have another 15 years to have a baby, or you could get one shot and one shot only. I still want more kids, but it could just be the sleep deprivation talking, because with the right medications i did finally get my number 4, although I still haven't come to terms with the fact that he could very well be it, simply because I'm not sure the same medications will work again, or that my body will cooperate.
See your doctor, it could take you awhile to get pregnant, or to stay pregnant, and you can always start a career and go back, but you need to know just what obstacles may be standing in your way before you just put it off.
You have to decide what is important to you. Not only is baby or career important to you, but when you do start a family do you want to be a SAHM, or is being a working mom is ok. You need to look at the ups and downs of both aspects and work out what is most important to you.
If being a working mom is ok with you, then starting a family at the same time as getting your career going probably is not a big deal. You'll just have to remember, as you start your career there are often personal sacrifices you have to make (if you are into climbing that ladder) and your family will not be given top billing. Know what I mean? Is this ok with you? If not, then you probably want to wait to start the family ... get a few years of career under your belt and then work at it.
As far as age and fertility, for women without fertility issues, fertility doesn't tend to become an issue until after 35... that's when you're considered "Advanced Maternal Age". However, if you know you have fertility issues you may want to see a fertility specialist and have a discussion to determine exactly what your issues are and what hurdles you may have to overcome.
Making an informed decision is the best thing for you.
Keep in mind, if having a biological child is less likely or not possible, adoption is a great option. I know a few families who have adopted children (both US born and foreign born) and it has enriched their lives in ways they never could have imagined. There are a lot of children out there who do not have a loving family to care for them.
You ARE young. You have a lot of life ahead of you. If you aren't sure if starting a family right now is the right thing to do ... you're probably not ready. No, there is no "perfect" time to have children...but when you're ready ... you know it. Nothing else matters, and you are willing to make the changes/sacrifices you need to make to care for that child.
My sense of the way you asked the question (which just may be my own bias in reading it) is that you sound like you are ready to start a family, and you are just wondering if you are making a mistake by not working on your career first. I think what Renee H. said is pretty good regarding deciding if you want to make the sacrifice. I was nearly 40 when I had my first child, and we are having trouble conceiving our second. I also think that physically, it would have been much easier to be a mom younger. Emotionally, I wasn't ready to even think about it till I was in my mid-30s. As for the job consideration, unless you plan to be a working mom, I don't think that having experience under your belt will really make a difference. By the time you go back, say five years later, you will be so out of touch with what is happening, that it will be like starting over. You will have to keep your toes in the water somehow...(I just thought of something and will PM you with an idea!) Good luck!