My 11 yr old daughter has always had low self-esteem. Even when she was a toddler - she would say I can't do it. She would wait for her younger sister (1 yr younger) to do it first - then she would try. She is also very hard on herself about school and her looks.
She is normal size, she does struggle w/school. Does anyone have advise or resources to help. I don't want my daughter to fo through life feeling bad about herself.
Think about taekwondo or karate. It's a great way to build self-esteem and empower a girl without the pressure of being a "team" sport. I was the same way as a child. I was a teenager before my parents put me in taekwondo. My brother was the star athlete of the family, my sister was the popular girl who made friends easily. I was just the other one - the oldest, but the one no one knew was related to the other 2. I ended up being the best in taekwondo, though. I reaped the benefits. I felt more confident and stronger as a person. I stepped up and tried new things with less hesitation than I would have before. In 2 years, I was a black belt. I won trophies in tournaments, sparred against men, broke boards, could defend myself if necessary, and felt good about who I was inside and it radiated throughout. My oldest daughter, who is 6, is struggling with this same "I can't do it" syndrome and has from the start. She, too, relies on her not quite 2 year old twin siblings to lead the way sometimes and do something first - even at that age difference. We started karate in the fall for her. She's already progressing and has tested up 2 belt ranks. She really feels good about herself because she's developing confidence in a skill that not everyone has. She decided that she'll start soccer this spring though she normally cries and cries at just the thought of trying something new. It's still baby steps for us at 6, but I am hoping to raise her with more self-esteem than I had as a kid. Try to look at it this way...If you had everything done and time wasn't an issue, what one thing would YOU do for an hour that you just loved? Sometimes it's hard to decide, sometimes it's easy. Find out what her one thing is and back her fully in pursuing that. If she feels confident in some areas, she may be less hard on herself in other areas. And if she's struggling in school, talk to her teachers regularly. It's no fun to "not get it" when everyone else is. My daughter is also having a hard time in some areas. It is easy to find out what she's struggling with, but our real struggle now is taking that information, breaking it apart and figuring out how to present it so that she does get it. Her teachers are bending over backwards to work with me because they know I'm asking and asking and asking again. With their help and continued communication, we're seeing improvement. I also can tell that my daughter is taking note of my involvement. She's trying harder because she knows I'm really putting myself out there to help her. I know your daughter is older, but it is never too late to step in and try to break things down for her in another way. I am sure the teachers will be more than willing to help you or make recommendations. Maybe you can even get a tutor. I went to EIU in Charleston, and I know Effingham isn't that close, but it's also not so far you couldn't use it as a resource. They have a wonderful education program, and years ago when I was there, students were always looking to tutor and even just buddy up with kids who needed help. Summer is coming and some of those students are probably from your area. Call the school's education department and see if they have a referral program. I wish you the best of luck. It's a constant battle for me to maintain my own self worth and try to boost that of my young daughter!
Kudos to you for trying to help your daughter. Here is my .02.
1) While you are probably doing this already, play up to your daughter's strengths. Find something that she is better than her sister at and encourage that. Whether it's reading or math, science or art, sports or music. Find something that she enjoys and is good at and then try to find ways to incorporate that into her day.
2) Help her get involved in volunteering...anywhere. Whether it's working with animals, geriatrics, kids or teens. Help her find an organization that she believes in and get her helping others. She will never feel better about herself than when she is giving to others.
3) Encourage activities that help your daughter feel independent and that give her the ability to make some decisions to help empower her.
These are just a few of my thoughts. I hope that this helps.
Nicole
I have a 18 year daughter now and she was the same way. Take her to get her hair done and a make over, let her see herself in a different light. If she choose to be different let her be as long as she is not hurting anyone .
Brenda-
I also have a daughter this age. As I read the other responses, I liked the one about the martial arts. I agree with what she had to say.
I would hesitate to do the make-over thing, though. I realize that looking good can make you feel good, but that can backfire. With my daughters, I never put value on appearance (of course it's important to look your best in some situations, but I don't want my girls to think their value is linked to how they look on the outside).
Whenever I have quiet time with my 6th grader, I try to point out her gentleness, her imagination, her ability to empathize, her mature response to something...whatever applies to the conversation. I talk about how these are important attributes that will carry her through life and make a person likeable and a valuable friend.
She may not be able to do some things, so be wary of linking accomplishment with value. She may never get that black belt, but she may build physical strength, increase concentration, or just have fun!
Your daughter will find her way with the help of your loving family. Just keep your ears, your mind, and your heart open and you will find lots of things your daughter is "good at".
I was like that when growing up. Always waiting for someone else to get started. It held me back in a lot of things until I learned failure only means try again but in another way. Lots of encouragement and telling her she can do anything, making new things into an adventure and if failing at something it doesnt mean anything. Just keep encouraging and wait patiently until she tries it. Get her opinion on how she wants to handle something first and let her know there are lots of options to get the same task accomplished. good luck
Do you attend a church that offers a youth group. When our son was being home schooled he attended Wednesday night programs and a youth group. Most youth groups look at each child as special and try to help build their self-esteem.
You also could home school as we did. Our son went to a private Christian school through 6th grade and we decided to bring him home to schooling him for 2 years. It was the best thing we ever did. He got caught up with anything he needed to and got a chance to grow, though events at our church and park district events (karate or dance are good one), as well as, he learned to ski and he would ski every Tuesday up a Wilmot on Home school discount day, he also played football with the Crystal Lake Raiders in 8th grade. (Raiders offers a cheer leader program also) He was very ready for High School and he made the choice to attend Public high school for the sports and choir programs. He will be graduating in June and is very self confident. We say it started with home schooling and our church.
Just an idea, since you are a SAHM.
Best Luck
School and looks are normal concerns for an 11 year old! We have a 6th grader who has those concerns at times, and also does gymnastics, which seems to give her something else to focus on. Does your daughter have other interests she can try-sports, music, crafts--that will provide an outlet for her energy and creativity? (and become a source of self-esteem). Sometimes it seems to take trying more than one thing.
The other thing I would say is that she has to "earn" her own accomplishments. If you praise too much, it becomes empty. Instead of praising everything, try very focused feedback, like, you really worked hard on those fractions...I bet that feels good to you. Good luck!!!
10 ways to build a confident child
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I find their tips helpful. They are short and to the point. I think that saying "I can't do it" must be common and that is why the "The Little Engine that Could" is so popular. I was told that when my son of 3 says "I can't do it, " to reply, "I think you can" in a questioning way and at times I will say, ok here I will do it, then he fights to do it first. then I can reinforce and say, "I knew you could." Also, now at your daughter's age, I would be amazed at things she does and maybe even say, "wow, I did not know you could do that." Using laughter a lot to share really helps a lot too (if she attempts a joke or something she does is really clever). I think building that relationship is most important...as you can see it is one of the hardest things I think as parents we do. I also believe some kids are just more confident by nature. These are just a few ideas. I will be interested to read more.
I have this problem with my 7 year old. I have tried so many things. we praise and reassure all of the time. recently what worked best is before bed sitting at his level and letting him talk and instead of me saying no thats not true I would just listen and when he was done say I am sorry you feel that way. sometimes- what would make you feel better etc.. there are so many times as a mom he would say so and so doesnt like me and I would say sure they do etc.. and dismiss his feelings when I realized there are days I feel like someone doesnt like me or I would be happy or sad why cant our children feel that way?
I also had my son tested so he does have learning disabilities and despite his vision tests being 20/20 it turned out he has behavioral vision issues- unable to track and copy from the board and binocular vision making everything difficult- school and sports.
we sent my son to a psychologist at personal growth and that didnt help but we are going to try someone new at the end of the month. hopefully htis psychiatrist will be more beneficial.
the one important thing I learned from michaels neuro psych is everytime Michael says something bad about himself he has to say 3 positive things about himself.
Good luck!
I'm sure there is much more to your daughter than you had room to tell about. While correcting my clients, I find 90% have a self-esteem issue with trouble academically beginning in 3rd. grade. If reading, comprehension, energy and focus control are a problem, I think I can help you. If you are interested, please call 217-789 7323 and let me meet your daughter at my office in Springfiled. My initial consultations are free. I am a retired Riverton teacher of 32 years, but my method is based on fun, nothing like school. Good luck and congratualtions on your early concern in this area. Many parents wait too long. I would be happy to provide references.
Respectfully,
Susan Smarjesse
Brenda,
This is coming from a mom with three boys, so take it with a grain of salt, but I remember feeling this way at 11. I agree with the other responses-- ESPECIALLY finding a Youth Group (I know a great one!!) and starting Tae Kwon Do (again, I know a great school!!) but there is one thing that I haven't seen addressed. Is there a Dad or some other strong, responsible man that she respects in the picture? A strong, dependable male figure can make a world of difference at this age-- and him finding her acceptable and intelligent and to be a blossoming young woman will mean to her more than Mom's words ever could. My favorite book for raising boys is Wild at Heart by Eldredge, and the companion book (for girls) is called Captivating, written by he and his wife. I learned so much about young girls and myself by reading this book. I think it may help a bunch to know a grown man that she trusts has faith that she is going to be a capable, beautiful woman. Just my two cents.
Tasha
Your daughter's self esteem is something that comes from how she views herself, rather than how we view her. Heaping amounts of praise are often tuned out. You have to be able to reach her inner dialog. There is a good book I've been reading that can help you to do that. Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family by Adele Faber. Take some time to read it, I think it can help.
My mother put my younger sister in Karate to help boost her self-esteem. We later found out she was being sexually harrassed in school (she was in 5th grade) it was because of Karate she came out and spoke. Not saying this is your situation, but a little martial art can help her build her confidence, make friends and builed commority. My sister is 27 years old now and a little spit-fire. :)
Brenda,
I too have an oldest daughter with an esteem issue, Martial arts are excellent suggestion but if you have a tight budget. Give her responsibility that is only hers care of a small pet is a great way. My daughter started with a hamster and it haD made a great start. Later we then adopted a very small dog that could basically live in her room with her. She receives so much joy caring for her dog. But a call into the the school social worker could help as well. Good luck
Jen O
My 2nd son has learning disabilities so he has always suffered with low self esteem. I started looking for things he was interested in and tried to get him involved. He likes baseball so I did everything to help him with that, he enjoyed that but didn't feel real confident. Then when he was in 7th grade he asked for a guitar for Christmas and that's what he got. He has found his confidence in music. I finally found something that he could excel in and that he loves to do. He is so talented and even writes songs. Keep trying to find something. Maybe scrapbooking or other hobby that she can enjoy and feel proud of what she's done.
11 is such a hard age! My advice would be to either tutor her yourself or put her into a tutoring program. Once she stops struggling with school that will help her feel more confident in that area. I remember feeling inadequate in junior high because I felt like I didn't know what I was doing! As far as looks, get her into something that she enjoys like a sport, dance, girl scouts -- anything that she can become good at. Once she feels like she's good at something the confidence in herself should follow. Also, you could have some girl time together where you do her nails or something girlie that she likes. Once again, I truly remember feeling awkward at that age. I never made anything I tried out for, wasn't a great student, was a very late bloomer, and once I found dance I had my thing that meant something to me and that really helped. I'm sure she's a lovely girl who is just going through her rough years. Good luck!
I so empathize with your situation. I have three comments for your consideration, one more practical, the other two unconventional:
1) Does she have chores/responsibilities in the household? I have always heard/read that if children have responsibilities in the household and feel like they are contributing, that it helps their self-esteem. You can make her tasks something different from her sister but something that benefits everyone in the family, like setting the table each night, etc. Just something where she feels she is making a valuable contribution and that she is responsible for.
2) This one is going to sound crazy and very unconventional, but I have to tell you because it transformed me when I was 13. I felt really ugly, very down on myself, no self-confidence, etc. Now I don't believe we should hold our value in how we look on the outside, but because that was my biggest concern at the time, this is what my Mom told me to do and it worked like a charm. When she told me to do this, I thought she was crazy, but I had nothing to lose so I did it and it worked miraculously. She told me that every night, I should go to the mirror, look at myself, and say to myself "I am beautiful". It's very important to look at yourself while stating the words, and the words need to be said out loud. I know this sounds crazy, but I cannot emphasize how much I was transformed over one summer by doing this. It was so hard to do this at first, and initially it made me feel ridiculous, because I really didn't believe in what I was saying. But I have to tell you that this one simple thing gave me so much self-esteem, and it wasn't long before I felt normal and natural looking at myself and hearing myself say these words! I imagine this would work no matter what the issue was related to self-esteem. Could be looks, could be personality, whatever trait is desired, I believe this technique works. If you decide to try it, I would be curious to know your findings.
3) We have such a strong effect on the people around us but when our children have an issue, it can be hard for us as parents to feel good. One way you can really help your daughter is to only focus on her positive attributes. I don't mean you should be telling her what they are, I mean in quiet contemplation on your own, think about all of the wonderful traits she has. Focus on them, feel them, see her when she is at her best in your mind's eye. Never think about the negative stuff (easier said than done, I know. You may need to use your will to do this). If you do this on a regular basis, you will start to notice that her positive attributes become more pronounced and she will most likely start seeing this too, which will enhance her self-esteem. It's hard to imagine that we can have this effect on others but we do.
I hope you didn't find this advice to "out there", but I have seen great effects using these techniques on myself and my children. Feel free to contact me if you have questions. I truly hope you find something that will work for your daughter.
Hi Brenda,
Try & do as much fun mommy/daughter alone time as your schedule permits (movies, shopping, dinner, etc). Find out what her interests are & then sign her up. Finding an activity that she likes will help boost her confidence. The other thing to look into is AD/HD. Most people don't realize that AD/HD does not always mean hyperactive, especially for girls. Many girls with AD/HD are very shy & withdrawn, which is why it goes undiagnosed. There is a great book called "Understanding Girls With AD/HD" by Dr.'s Nadeau, Littman & Quinn. This book has so much fabulous information. AD/HD is much more common then people realize & the sooner it is dianosed the better it is for the child. Having AD/HD does not automatically mean medication. There are a lot of alternatives to meds. First, you have to see if this is the root of her self-esteem & school issues. Good luck.
Yes, there is hope for your daughter. Not knowing everything I will give you my advise. Each day tell her something that she did and praise her for it. Even the smallest thing.(Thank you honey for doing that, that was so nice of you to do that) Try not to praise her too much on her looks but the praise must be truthful. If telling her is hard for you then write her a letter, a little praise goes a long way. When my children says that they can't do it, I make they say "I can do it". I also tell them that if they try and it does not work that alright, but if they don't try, they how do they know if it would work or not. And making mistakes is the way of learning.
I also have essential that might help. If you are interest in that please write back.