I have always raised him to understand it is my job to teach him about the world and about life, as preparation for the day I am no longer here. I have always been straight about things with him. Now we are on different planes, like tectonic plates.
Yes, teens can feel like aliens! Your question needs some more specifics, though, for us to give you helpful suggestions. What conflicts are you and your son having, about what kinds of things? Is he not doing his best in school, is he not cooperating at home, is he seeming depressed or angry? Are you concerned about his friendships or activities? You can edit your post to provide more information so you can get better responses. Good luck!
Extra Thought Added: B and RN L have given you some great general suggestions–follow them!
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At last!
A parenting question!
How old is your teen and what issues are you having with him?
Teens crave independence but still need boundaries.
It’s often a 2 step forward 1 step backward process.
With more freedom comes more responsibilities.
Prepping for becoming an adult means helping around the house, cleaning his room and bathroom, doing his own laundry, helping with meal prep and making meals for the family,
As well as keeping up with his school work and doing his best with his after school activities.
He should also know how to change a car tire, check the oil, and other fluids the car needs.
You should be up front with him about what things cost and how you budget for household expenses / how you manage money.
You were a teen once.
What do you wish your parents taught you about being an adult?
That’s what you need to talk with your teen about.
I can appreciate the wish to prepare your son for independence, but I think I’d reframe that from “preparation for the day you aren’t there” to “preparation for becoming an adult,” that is unless you are actually dying. Trust that if you give him tools to be a capable and confident young adult, he will be fine if you are no longer there, but he will also hopefully be able to rely on you during this period as needed. We all need support sometimes.
As others have said, some specifics would be helpful if you want more concrete ideas, as well as his age, as a 14 year old isn’t the same as an 18 year old who is closer to leaving home. Teens can be impulsive and their judgment can seem questionable, as they navigate separating from parents and becoming independent, while their brains (and bodies) are still not fully developed.
In general, my advice for parenting a teen would be to enjoy him. You’ve already been teaching him how to live his life because he has observed how you live yours, and his father if he is in the picture. Do you make being an adult look appealing? Do you have work that you find meaningful or at least tolerable? Do you enjoy good relationships with family and friends? Do you have activities you pursue outside of parenting?
With your son, look for opportunities to make connections on his terms. Understand that he may seem more interested in his friends, but you are still important. Support his interests in school and outside of school. If he doesn’t seem interested in doing things together, including family mealtimes and outings, do them anyway. Sympathize with how annoying parents can be, and have fun. Make sure you maintain expectations for knowing where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s doing things with, and the contributions he makes to family life. We weren’t a big rule family, but we did expect the kids to enjoy mealtimes with us, without phones, participate in home and pet care, and inform us of their plans.
You should see if he would go to Starbucks or a movie with you. I would go if my mom asked. At least you want to talk to your kid my mom is too busy for me. 👿