Been with my boyfriend for 3 months and no bonding with my son

I have only been with this man for 3 months now and I'm almost 10 weeks pregnant. Yes i should of been safe when it came to sleeping with him but not so much the moral of this question, I'm happy to have a new baby, even if it means doing it on my own so please keep the comments to a minimum with the "birth control?" and "why would I let that happen?" We all make mistakes right? I dont see my new baby as a mistake because I have lost a couple already a few years ago and am thankful to even be able to have another child. Keeping the judgement as light as possible would help right now considering it's not the main topic and I'm very emotional at this time. My main concern and question is... He has 3 kids of his own and I have a 5 year old son. Who is on the spectrum (mild autism) I'm having a hard time because my boyfriend is a very selfish person and I have had to leave once already because of the lack of attention he gives to my son and the lack of respect he was giving me. He promised he would change and start treating my son as his own so I'm giving it another shot. He has made a couple changes and I don't want to feel as if it's just early in the relationship so I should give him time to love my son, because I have had a boyfriend before who took my son in right away. Never had to be asked to love him. This boyfriend spends alot of time on his iPad gaming and it's like the first thing he does when he gets home, he asks my son how his day was but that's pretty much as far as it goes. Yesterday for example me and my son were in the livingroom playing Wii and my boyfriend was in the bedroom on his iPad, he asked me to come lay down with him.. I said "why dont you come sit out here with us for a few?" He didn't, it's like he just has no desire to spend time with us as a family unless I pressure him to or beg him and even then it's hardly ever happening. Should I have to keep asking him to spend time with us? Or reminding him to say goodnight to my son for example, its something I do for his kids, I say goodnight to them, Cook for them, help them with their toys, anything they need because I WANT to be there for them. Its frustrating because he gives me lots of attention, rubs my belly, loves laying with me watching movies, tells me he loves me consistently. But me and my son are a package deal and I feel he will pacify me by "being there" for my son but i feel it will slowly just go back to the way it was. I'm happy to be with just me and my son and even this new baby on the way, but I dont want to give up. I'm trying to give him a chance but it's bothering me pretty bad. Hurts my feelings that he wont just do something as easy as sit with us while we play a game. Please give me advice, if anyone has been through this. If I should give it up for the love of my son because he means more to me than anything. I'm trying to build and blend a family but with a selfish person, its hard. I also dont want to fight for custody over the new child but will if I have to. I just want to do what's best but am confused on what that is right now. I have talked to him about it but lately I just get upset an go to bed resentful because I dont feel I should have to keep telling him to be more involved or telling him he's hurting my feelings. I treat his kids as I do my own son, why is it so hard for him? Answers? 🙏

Oh man, why oh why were you not using birth control? I have a feeling you are going to get a lot of flack from the moms on this site for that. Most likely your boyfriend will not change with time, but it could happen. You could insist he do family therapy with you…find a therapist who specializes in blended families. Give it a time limit like a year and if he can make some major changes then you will stay with him. He is not truly understanding how upsetting it is to you that he hangs out in another room, but perhaps he is an introvert? I have a story for you…when I was young (age 7 and 8) my mom dated a guy who was really into her but not so into us kids so after a couple years she broke up with him. BUT he was kind to us. He took us sailing. He had a great job. He was loving to my mom. As a little kid I liked him. So next she next got a boyfriend who was a bully…he was abusive…he was really into making us kids to things for him and getting angry at us for not doing things right. He hit us. He mooched off my mom. We were all afraid all the time. He lived with us 8 years and against my mom’s will for the last few years. I would have taken the first boyfriend who was not so into kids over that second guy who made me want to hide in my room all the time any day. Good luck.

Ya know - this is one of those posts that ignores the elephant in the room and is designed to get people to respond with ‘what were you thinking?’ so the poster can work up a good flounce off and it’s just so Jerry Springer I have to completely doubt it’s a real situation.

No doubt your life will be filled with unicorns, rainbows and glitter.
Good luck with that.

I delete hate mail so don’t bother.

Original post:
Shawna H. now Andremommy Dillon, MT on October 15, 2019

"I have only been with this man for 3 months now and I’m almost 10 weeks pregnant. Yes i should of been safe when it came to sleeping with him but not so much the moral of this question, I’m happy to have a new baby, even if it means doing it on my own so please keep the comments to a minimum with the “birth control?” and “why would I let that happen?” We all make mistakes right? I dont see my new baby as a mistake because I have lost a couple already a few years ago and am thankful to even be able to have another child. Keeping the judgement as light as possible would help right now considering it’s not the main topic and I’m very emotional at this time. My main concern and question is… He has 3 kids of his own and I have a 5 year old son. Who is on the spectrum (mild autism) I’m having a hard time because my boyfriend is a very selfish person and I have had to leave once already because of the lack of attention he gives to my son and the lack of respect he was giving me. He promised he would change and start treating my son as his own so I’m giving it another shot. He has made a couple changes and I don’t want to feel as if it’s just early in the relationship so I should give him time to love my son, because I have had a boyfriend before who took my son in right away. Never had to be asked to love him. This boyfriend spends alot of time on his iPad gaming and it’s like the first thing he does when he gets home, he asks my son how his day was but that’s pretty much as far as it goes. Yesterday for example me and my son were in the livingroom playing Wii and my boyfriend was in the bedroom on his iPad, he asked me to come lay down with him… I said “why dont you come sit out here with us for a few?” He didn’t, it’s like he just has no desire to spend time with us as a family unless I pressure him to or beg him and even then it’s hardly ever happening. Should I have to keep asking him to spend time with us? Or reminding him to say goodnight to my son for example, its something I do for his kids, I say goodnight to them, Cook for them, help them with their toys, anything they need because I WANT to be there for them. Its frustrating because he gives me lots of attention, rubs my belly, loves laying with me watching movies, tells me he loves me consistently. But me and my son are a package deal and I feel he will pacify me by “being there” for my son but i feel it will slowly just go back to the way it was. I’m happy to be with just me and my son and even this new baby on the way, but I dont want to give up. I’m trying to give him a chance but it’s bothering me pretty bad. Hurts my feelings that he wont just do something as easy as sit with us while we play a game. Please give me advice, if anyone has been through this. If I should give it up for the love of my son because he means more to me than anything. I’m trying to build and blend a family but with a selfish person, its hard. I also dont want to fight for custody over the new child but will if I have to. I just want to do what’s best but am confused on what that is right now. I have talked to him about it but lately I just get upset an go to bed resentful because I dont feel I should have to keep telling him to be more involved or telling him he’s hurting my feelings. I treat his kids as I do my own son, why is it so hard for him? Answers? 🙏
".

You don’t mention how he treats his own kids, just that you wish he would spend more quality time with your son. I mention that because if this is how he treats his own kids, then this is how he parents… If he spends quality time with his own kids and doesn’t really try to bond with your son, then he may not have the same respect for your son that you do for his kids.

Maybe you should talk this through with a counselor. A counselor might help you find ways to talk to your boyfriend about this and see if there is a possibility of working things out.

You say your son is on the spectrum. Maybe the boyfriend does not know how to deal with this. I know when I am introduced to a new student that has a diagnosis or is working towards one I am unsure of how to act. Until I get to know the child and what works and what sets them off I feel like I am on eggshells. It’s completely possible that in the three short months that you have known this man he has been working on getting to know you and needs help to get comfortable with your child.

Congratulations! It’s so cool getting pregnant two weeks after meeting a guy. Really magical. And it’s even more special that you have already introduced your boyfriend to your child. I know most people would say wait several months and to do that gradually but WHY? Because you care about and want to protect your kid and his feelings? LOL. And the fact that your boyfriend is clueless is awesome. It’s really fun to be in a relationship with a man who is selfish and doesn’t care about your feelings. Way to go girl!!!

Your child should always be your priority and obviously has not been since you’re faced with this situation.

I feel bad for your child because he didn’t ask for this and shouldn’t be introduced to new bf’s so soon.

What a shame for your children. I hope you practice birth control before you bring another innocent child into this cluster…k

Get some counseling for you all.

Does he know you are pregnant?
You don’t mention if you have told him.
What was his response?
I think his response will give you a better answer of what kind of relationship you will have with him then a bunch of strangers on a website.

So, let’s make a list of pros and cons.

Pros:

  1. Your boyfriend rubs your belly.
  2. Your boyfriend asks your son how his day was.
  3. Your boyfriend likes you to lie down with him
  4. Your boyfriend likes to watch movies.

Cons:

  1. You say your boyfriend is selfish. You say this more than once.
  2. Your boyfriend hurts your feelings.
  3. Your son is on the spectrum and your boyfriend doesn’t try to relate to him.
  4. Your boyfriend, the father of 3, and soon the father of a 4th, likes gaming. He should have zero time for this.
  5. Your boyfriend didn’t take contraception seriously either. This isn’t just on you. He didn’t respect your body or your life or your lifestyle enough to contain himself and limit himself.
  6. You’ve been together just a few months, and already you’re dealing with your boyfriend’s kids and expecting him to deal with your kid. You compare how you say good night to them - why are you even seeing them at night? Why is he hanging out with your child on a regular basis?
  7. You think you will have to fight your boyfriend for custody of a new baby. WHAT???
  8. You have to keep telling your boyfriend to be involved with your son. He’s the father of 3, but he doesn’t know what kids need?
  9. You go to bed resentful and with your needs unmet.
  10. You’re barely pregnant, but you’re already planning on having to do this alone.
  11. You’ve dated for a few months but are already trying to build a big happy family with someone who is not an attentive father and whom you do not respect.
  12. Your pregnancy losses have propelled you into establishing and continuing a pregnancy with someone you don’t respect.
  13. You and your son play Wii while your boyfriend is on an iPad in another room, and you aren’t sure why there is a communication problem.
  14. Your boyfriend has 3 children, and he immediately got in bed with a woman, refused to take pregnancy precautions (it’s not just YOUR job, you know).
  15. You want your boyfriend to treat your child as his own - after just a few months.
  16. You think his children should be “yours” after 3 months.
  17. You’ve already left once, in less than 3 months.

Not exactly a balanced list, is it?

I was in a relationship because I wanted one, and I thought I needed one. I thought it would make me happy if only he changed. I tried to make that man into something he was not. He was selfish and damaged, he was not loyal, he did not put my feelings at the top of his priority list. He was handsome and appealing on the surface, but not in those quiet moments at home. Thank God I broke up with him instead of trying to change him.

Please take care of yourself. You are the only one who will put your child first.

Have you even considered that this guy might be afraid that the baby you are carrying might also have autism? Your son is constant reminder.

If your idea of “family time” is playing video games and that he won’t sit with you guys to watch a screen versus the screen on his iPad, then that’s a problem right there.

Getting pregnant doesn’t automatically equal creating yet another blend dysfunctional family.

I’m with B on this one.

This doesn’t make sense to me. You’ve been dating a man for 3 months and you write that this guy is not “treating my son as his own”.

You’re cooking for, and treating his own kids like your own … after 3 months? Are you living together?

If this is genuine, then what are the pros of staying with this man?

Like Diane says, he rubs your belly … Yay.

  • To answer your question “I treat his kids as I do my own son, why is it so hard for him?”

Have you asked him?

"Should I have to keep asking him to spend time with us? "

No.

If it’s “bothering me pretty bad. Hurts my feelings” and “I just get upset an go to bed resentful” and you’re 3 months in … what is so special about this? So he lies down with you to watch movies … so does a dog. You’re looking after his kids from sounds of it. He’s not doing a whole heck of a lot.

Your last guy took your child?

Sounds like you need to just take time away from men altogether and focus on taking care of yourself (not this guy and his kids) and your own child.

That would be my advice, if this is genuine, or if you were my friend.

JC - your advice "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. " is so bang on. And asking yourself WHY this would be enough for you, should be THE question here, not what should I do to make this work.

Great advice. He is on his best behavior at 3 months. It will just get worse.

I do wonder if these questions, so complicated, Jerry Springer like, involving children - are legit. You write like someone who is intelligent, yet your actions/questions - I don’t follow.

I guarantee that you won’t change him. He will only reveal more of how he really is as time goes on. He is self involved and not a family person. Focus on yourself and your children.

Maybe this is why he has 3 kids but no wife?

Glad you are happy about the baby, but I don’t think this instant family is going to work out. You did things way too fast and way out of order. And not too sure that you picked the right guy.

Cut your losses on this guy and move on. He’s not for you. By my cals you got pregnant after knowing him for 2 weeks so basically he’s a stranger that you are trying to make into something more. He isn’t connected to you or your son and doesn’t really want to be.

You and your son are a package deal and yet you are exposing your son to this stranger in his house who doesn’t interact with him. Then you say that you treat his kids like your own? You don’t know those kids yet you think you are treating them like a mother would? Get over yourself.

Here’s your plan. Kick this guy out of your house and plan to file for child support once the baby comes. Concentrate on yourself and your son. If you don’t have an education then get yourself to school so you can earn enough money to support yourself and your kids because guys like the one you’ve chosen won’t be there to do that.

And don’t joke about birth control not working or not using it. You aren’t a gumball machine. Every time a new guy puts his penis in you a baby prize should come out. You deserve better than you think you do.

You don’t have a lot of great things to say about this guy, but I’m going to assume he has some redeeming qualities because it sounds like you have moved in together at a very early time in your relationship. Your concerns are serious enough that I would have to suggest you separate your living arrangements, and try again to take things slowly. When you asked him to make changes and he said he would, you should have waited to actually see the changes before moving in together. You can’t undo the past, and I’m glad you are happy about the baby, but you can undo your current living situation. Be clear with him about what you and your son deserve, and let him know you cannot be together if you don’t see those things over a significant period of time so that you know he is not just putting on a show. If he truly loves you as he says he does, he should want this too. Ideally, you and he should seek family counseling with someone who specializes in blended families.

Please, consider that you may not be in the best position to parent another child right now. You make bad choice after bad choice and then justify your actions.

Move out, find a parent or parents who can give your unborn child the chance it deserves, and focus on yourself and the son you already have. He needs more than a part-time mother who is willing to sacrifice his needs for basically a one night stand where a baby was produced with a man who wants nothing to do with him.

sigh.

so you’re willing to subject your already-here child and the one you’re cooking to a selfish, careless man who impregnates women willy-nilly. you don’t want to ‘give up’ but you’re okay with letting this drip be the example of manhood your child will take away.

a belly rub makes up for the fact that he can’t even be bothered to make your small child feel welcome and important.

the new baby was conceived carelessly. do you want it to be raised the same way?

sure. this will end well.

khairete
suz

You wrote “if I should give it up for the love of my son”, but you were talking about possibly giving up your relationship with this new man.

That’s where your thinking went wrong.

What you SHOULD have given up for the love of your son was: dating, sleeping with men, moving in with a new boyfriend, introducing your son to new men, moving around, sleeping around, moving in with a new guy with three kids, etc etc etc.

You can still do that. You can move out. You can be a mother to your son, AND NOTHING ELSE. Yes, you have a new baby coming, but you’re not prepared to share parenting with the lazy, uncaring, selfish man you describe. The son you already have, who has special needs, and who has been bounced around from house to house, needs stability, a mother whose number one priority is him, and security.

Fighting for custody will further distract you from parenting the child you have.

Now, stop dating, stop having sex, stop moving around, stop trying to “blend a family” and be the parent to the family you have right now (your son). Talk to your new boyfriend about placing this new baby in the arms of a loving adoptive family.

I had to copy and paste your post because it has NO PARAGRAPHS and it feels like one long run on sentence….

PART 1:
I have only been with this man for 3 months now and I’m almost 10 weeks pregnant. Yes i should of been safe when it came to sleeping with him but not so much the moral of this question, I’m happy to have a new baby, even if it means doing it on my own so please keep the comments to a minimum with the “birth control?” and “why would I let that happen?” We all make mistakes right? I dont see my new baby as a mistake because I have lost a couple already a few years ago and am thankful to even be able to have another child.

My response:
Okay – so you basically slept with this guy from day one. Oh YAY!!! You used no birth control!! OHH DOUBLE YAY!!! And now you are going to keep the baby and be forever tied to this “man” because you lost a few babies already?!?! Sounds like you really need to learn about the birds and the bees and HOW BABIES ARE MADE!! COME ON!! Why do you sleep with guys on the first date and use NO BIRTH CONTROL!?!?!? SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!

Part 2:
Keeping the judgement as light as possible would help right now considering it’s not the main topic and I’m very emotional at this time. My main concern and question is… He has 3 kids of his own and I have a 5 year old son. Who is on the spectrum (mild autism) I’m having a hard time because my boyfriend is a very selfish person and I have had to leave once already because of the lack of attention he gives to my son and the lack of respect he was giving me. He promised he would change and start treating my son as his own so I’m giving it another shot.

My response:
You slept with a guy you BARELY know, who already has kids and doesn’t treat YOUR SON WELL?? I don’t get why you even introduced him to your son before you EVER got to know him!! DAMN GIRL!! Are you desperate for a “man” in your life or what??

WHY do you expect his guy to change? Really??

Part 3:
He has made a couple changes and I don’t want to feel as if it’s just early in the relationship so I should give him time to love my son, because I have had a boyfriend before who took my son in right away. Never had to be asked to love him. This boyfriend spends alot of time on his iPad gaming and it’s like the first thing he does when he gets home, he asks my son how his day was but that’s pretty much as far as it goes. Yesterday for example me and my son were in the livingroom playing Wii and my boyfriend was in the bedroom on his iPad, he asked me to come lay down with him… I said “why dont you come sit out here with us for a few?” He didn’t, it’s like he just has no desire to spend time with us as a family unless I pressure him to or beg him and even then it’s hardly ever happening.

My response:
So you are already LIVING WITH HIM after 3 months?!?! HOLY FREAK!! Talk about moving fast…girl – you have been putting the cart before the horse…keep your damn legs closed and men out of your son’s life until you have been dating them for OVER A YEAR and KNOW THEM – hold off on sex until at least 6 months – if he can’t wait that long? He’s not the right man for you.

Part 4:

Should I have to keep asking him to spend time with us? Or reminding him to say goodnight to my son for example, its something I do for his kids, I say goodnight to them, Cook for them, help them with their toys, anything they need because I WANT to be there for them. Its frustrating because he gives me lots of attention, rubs my belly, loves laying with me watching movies, tells me he loves me consistently. But me and my son are a package deal and I feel he will pacify me by “being there” for my son but i feel it will slowly just go back to the way it was.

My response:

NO. And if you REALLY have to ask that question? You’re not ready for ANY relationship. COME ON. Grow up. Get some back bone girl and stop freaking begging for attention. This is complete and utter BULL CRAP!! And yet you believe he “loves” you because he tells you all the time? WOW. WOW!! WOW!!! This is just amazing! He must give good sex or you must be TRULY DESPERATE to believe this bull crap. DAMN.

He has already shown you where you and your son rate on his list. You come AFTER the iPad and games. That isn’t going to change. The more you BEG him to spend time with you? The more of a CHORE it will be,.

Part 5
I’m happy to be with just me and my son and even this new baby on the way, but I dont want to give up. I’m trying to give him a chance but it’s bothering me pretty bad. Hurts my feelings that he wont just do something as easy as sit with us while we play a game.

My response:
You’re believing he’s going to change. He’s not. You’re not special enough for him to want to change. You are the “welcome mat” that he walks all over. And you allow it.

Part 6

Please give me advice, if anyone has been through this. If I should give it up for the love of my son because he means more to me than anything.

My Answer:
If your son means more to you than “ANYTHING” or “ANYONE”?? You’re NOT proving it. You’re putting YOUR desire to be told you are loved above what your son needs. You’re telling your son he’s not good enough for you by allowing this “man” to continue to be in your lives.

Part 7

I’m trying to build and blend a family but with a selfish person, its hard. I also dont want to fight for custody over the new child but will if I have to. I just want to do what’s best but am confused on what that is right now. I have talked to him about it but lately I just get upset an go to bed resentful because I dont feel I should have to keep telling him to be more involved or telling him he’s hurting my feelings. I treat his kids as I do my own son, why is it so hard for him? Answers?

My response:
Answers?? I’m not sure you really want to hear my answer. If you wanted to do what is best? You NEVER would have slept with a guy on the first date WITHOUT PROTECTION. You NEVER would have introduced your son to him before 6 months to a year of KNOWING this guy and seeing what he’s really like.

This “man” is showing you WHO HE IS – you just don’t believe him or you’re wearing some magical glasses that tell you “your love will change him” – no honey, it won’t. You need to cut your losses NOW. You need to keep your legs CLOSED to ANYONE for a good 3 to 5 years. Yeah – long time – but really? You need to get mental help to find out WHY you allow yourself to be treated so poorly. WHY you believe some guy who MIGHT GIVE GOOD SEX “loves” you after sex on the first date. You think so low of yourself that you need to put out so quickly so you can “snare” him in? WHAT???

Stop with the boyfriends. Focus on your children. Focus ON YOU. Provide for yourself and your children. Get an education. Get counseling.

Good luck

The relationship is very new for everyone. Yes, there is a baby coming and that changes everything, but all of the normal parts of building a relationship aren’t going to change their timeline just because a baby is on the way.

I would step back from the relationship - not necessarily end it right now (you’ll be tied to this guy for years no matter what happens), but slow waaaaayyyy down. Your focus, as always, should remain on your son and on taking care of yourself so that you can take care of the baby you’re growing. It’s recommended that when a single parent starts dating, that the kids aren’t introduced to the partner for many months, when you know the relationship has a chance of being solid. You don’t want people coming in and out of your son’s life.

Obviously you’ve introduced your son to this guy and his kids, but you can pause that. The relationship is so new that I’m assuming you were living with your son and supporting yourselves before this, so hopefully you still are doing that and haven’t moved in with the guy. If you did move in together, stop that as soon as you can - have him move out, or you move back to your old place or whatever. Minimize the time you spend with your boyfriend - your time together should be adults-only, getting to know each other without the kids. Give yourself time to figure out what kind of person he really is and if he is the kind of partner you want around you and your precious son for years to come. I think in most relationship, true colors can take up to a year to show up - that said, it sounds like his true colors are showing already so I wouldn’t invest a ton of time or effort in this if he is the jerk that you describe. If he doesn’t measure up - is selfish, lazy, unkind, unstable, tons of baggage, etc. then it is what it is. Deal with him as a co-parent to the baby that’s coming and that’s it. Cut your losses and move on.

I’ve sort of been in your shoes. My oldest son was 5 when I got married to a guy who is now my ex-husband. We were friends for a year, dated for a year and engaged for a year so a lot of thought and care went into the decision. I did get pregnant a few months before our wedding so that was earlier than we had planned but not a disaster. He was sweet and fun with my son until we moved in together ahead of the wedding. Once we were all together full time, his behavior towards my son changed and over the years, grew more hostile and negative. He and my son never developed a close father-son relationship, and my son suffered because of that. Their poor relationship was a bone of contention throughout our marriage until we finally split up after 12 years.

From what you wrote about the relationship between your bf and son, things don’t sound promising. I think you should prepare as best as you can to be a single parent to this baby as well. It’s so new and you’re hormonal and you’re both going through a lot so it’s hard to say “oh yeah, definitely do this” because maybe things would be better if you weren’t in this situation, but step back. Give yourselves time and space to breathe, to care for your respective children, and for you to take care of yourself and your growing baby. Get to know each other better, co-parent your baby when it arrives, and give yourselves time to figure out next steps so that everyone is happy and healthy together or not.

Finally…remember that the kids come first. You have a high-needs child. When in doubt, focus on what’s best for him. With that as your beacon, you’ll stay on the right track.