My adult daughter does not want to deal with me at all,she does not want to speak to me.That happens because of my fault. Is there any way to make her forgive me?
I have done many wrong things,I wanted much from her and said much awful words to make her do what I wanted.She was my only love,my goal and the meaning of my life.
I couldn't imagine not talking to my mom, but it depends on what happened. If you can try to talk to her, write her a letter, leave her a voicemal, etc...maybe. But maybe she just needs time too. I'm not sure because you dont say how long you haven't talked, how far apart you live, the issue that caused it, etc...or your relationship prior to the issue. All of those things make a difference. But I hope it works out for you guys,
Give her some time and some space. Apologize in a letter. Spell out exactly what you are sorry for...
You can't make people forgive you, but you can earn their trust again... it will take some time and a LOT of work and patience.
LBC
Let her gain your trust again. I am sure she still loves you. The fact that you want to change is wonderful.
Its not about buying things for her. Its about being there. Be consistent it might take time but I bet she will come around.
Let your daughter see with actions. Don't lash out with mean words. If she says something mean to you just ignore it.
Write a letter. Let her know you were very wrong and you need her forgiveness.
Love is better than strife.
I had a problem with my father for many years. I never totally cut him off, but kept him at a very long distance (emotionally).. Finally he went to counseling and wrote me an apology letter and made some realistic promises to me. We spoke and I told him he had made promises before and never kept them, so he would have to "live the life he said he wanted to live" for a while, before I felt I could trust him.
He did it. He has been humble, he apologized, he still tells me he had regrets about his past behaviors.. I finally told him, I forgave him and understand that he is a product of his own childhood. His parents were spankers, yellers and did not know how to guide children.
But I also told him his actions were going to speak louder than his words.
He has done great and is reaping the rewards in all parts of his life.
I suggest you find help. Figure out what your own problem is and then see if you can settle this problem with your daughter. Give her space, give her time, but do not give up on her. She is an adult with her own problems, you need to be there , but not up in her business or in her way. Make sure you make it clear you will always love her and you are going to seek help (if this is true) and then Do IT.
Dear Dora,
Heavenly Father,
We ask that you will bless Dora and her daughter. Reveal to Dora what she must do to gain her daughter's respect and trust. Help Dora's daughter overcome her insecurities and anger. We pray that whatever the issue or circumstances were that separated the two of them will no longer hold them in bondage. Forgive and release each of them from their discourse. Father God, we ask that you will give Dora the strength to be the mother that she longs to be. Bless her communications with her daughter. Open the doors of communication so that they can gain insight and mutual respect for one another. Bond them together and let their hearts not be troubled any longer. These and other blessings we ask in the Name of Jesus the Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen!
Prayer changes things Dora.
God Bless,
Sherrie
I think that if you own up to what you did and put it all down in a letter to her with a heart-filled apology, and then give her some time to absorb it all in and process it, she will eventually come around. She may need some time to figure all of it out and begin to trust the fact that you have a new attitude but, if you grant her the grace of patience and understand that she is a separate person whose needs and desires are individual and needs to be respected as such, then I'm sure that she will eventually reach out to you once again. You may want to suggest that the two of you go to counseling together. This will give the both of you a safe environment and a neutral third person to air out your issues with and hopefully come to a better undestanding and respect for each other.
I hope that you are able to patch things up with your daughter soon.
just step back, let her live the way she feels best for her, and give her time, eventually all kids come home at some point and time
I don't know why she doesn't want to talk to you. And sometimes you really didn't do anything, the other person is able to blame you or manipulate you into thinking something is your fault. My advice here is to decide if you really are at fault, forgive yourself, write a note and say your sorry, tell her you love her and leave it at that. She will eventually come around. Especially if she has her own children. They can do the same thing to her...And repeat after me: I will respect myself in spite of my faults and imperfections and surround your own life with happiness.
I'd start with a letter...and state EXACTLY what you just said to us. Its my fault. I feel guilty. I said aweful words...
Then I tell her that I loved her...no matter geography. And that you will do what ever it takes (within reason) to build that trust with her. Tell her that your heart was in the right place...and that you probably handled things with her the way things were handled with you and that it is no excuse but fact. Tell her that she IS your only love and meaning of life and that even as parents we are human and we screw up sometimes too and that you too, ask her for forgiveness.
I have no idea what you did, or what led to the rift between you, but I do know the power of time and healing. And I do know the benefits of simply saying that sorry is not enough...
I am sending good thoughts your way.
Write her a letter. Admit your mistakes, apologize for the past and ask her if you two can start over as two women instead of a mother and daughter. Build trust as another woman first and later on you can work at rebuilidng a POSITIVE mother/daughter relationship with her.
Most importantly, you HAVE to change YOUR behavior. If she says no, you HAVE TO RESPECT THAT. If you do, then eventually it will dawn on her that you really have changed and she'll probably start to come around.
Best of luck!
I stopped speaking to my mother about 6 years ago because the relationship was toxic and I needed to keep myself safe. I now have 4 beautiful kiddos that she's never seen and a good life I've made for myself that she knows nothing about.
I still ask family about her every once in a while, just to check up on her. I still hear the same things about drug abuse and unhealthy relationships, jobless and sometimes homeless. I'm still hoping one day I'll hear someone say that she's turned her life around, has a steady job and is thinking for herself. Then I'll know she's different and I'll get in touch with her to try to repair our relationship and catch her up on all we've missed.
If you are saying it's all your fault, I believe you. Sometimes there is nothing you can "say" to fix what you've done. You can only "be" a better person. If you have truly changed and feel you can give her the healthy relationship you and her both deserve, then I am very happy for you. Just keep up the faith and I'm sure you'll hear from her. I bet she's got people spying on you for her too.
If you have just realized there is a big hole in your heart where your daughter was but you honestly can't say you've changed, then please give her space. Give yourself all your attention right now and get better. A counselor is a great place to start. Get to the point that you are happy to see your reflection in the mirror each morning. Find other dreams, goals and ambitions and chase them like crazy. Have that sense of inner peace and confidence that comes from having a full life.
Fix yourself first, she'll notice.
Please message me, I'd love to know more about how you are doing.
The only thing you can is change. You need to learn how to communicate with people. Funny how some people treat others when they say they love them. Maybe some counseling will help you. After you have completed counseling you can try to contact her and tell her you are better, got help and now your a better person.
Sometimes, a person who does these things doesn't fully understand why or what other things they are doing that are hurtful. Tell her you are going to counseling to get help because you want a good relationship with her and you know it was your fault. Then work on it, role play, change your life and your ways, then ask her if she'd be willing to come into counseling to relay to you both what else there might be that you missed so you can work on that too, She will appreciate the ability to have input as well as see and hear your changes. Read a few books on the subject of being controlling.
And do find other things to put your energy into as well. An adult child doesn't want to be the center of their parent's lives.
Best of luck in your journey.
You need to change, and give her time. Write her a letter explaining the sorrow you feel for the way you treated her and let her know how proud you are of her and how much you love her. Tell her you understand if she needs time and hope that she can give you a chance to start a new relationship in the future.
Wow Dora. At least you can admit what you did. That is the first step.
Have you ever apologized to her and told her that you know you did all those things wrong? That is the second step.
The third thing you might have to do, if she is willing to talk to you at all, is LISTEN to her long list of all the ways you hurt her. And if she has to tell you for 8 hours how many terrible things you did, you need to be able to shut up and hear it. And not defend it. There is no defense for saying terrible things to your daughter.
My mother was pretty verbally abusive, when I was a kid, and then again after I had children. I took it for 15 years, then I stopped letting her say those things to me. However, even though she has "apologized," she has no idea what she's apologizing for. She has even denied some of the things she said when I mentioned them. So her apology doesn't hold a lot of weight.
Also, I hate to tell you this, but after you abuse someone long enough, things change. You can never recover the same kind of love they once had for you. You have scarred them too much.
Good luck with your daughter, I guess. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who verbally abuse their kids.
I think you are getting great advice Dora. I think writing a letter is very good and let her know you will give her the time she needs to forgive you. Then "show" her that you love her; Love is a verb, showing goes further than telling. She may need lots of time to heal and restore a relationship with you. While you wait work on yourself, make changes to better yourself so that you don't fall back into old habit and hurt her again. Maybe send her flowers every month letting her know you miss her. I don't think you should RUSH her into forgiving you. Once you ask forgiveness it's on her to do. God Bless You and I believe your relationship will be stronger in time!
How do you "make" her forgive you? You don't!! You can't make your grown daughter DO anything.
It's time to accept she is a grown woman, she doesn't need you anymore. However, if you are a nice, friendly person to be around, she can choose to have you in her life again.
The best thing you can do is fix yourself. Be a good friend, be someone people would like to have around. Your daughter will see the changes and her attitude will change with it. GL.
Dora,
I was in your daughter's shoes so I understand where she is coming from. My mother did not want to fix things, she felt I should be the one to apologize because no matter what he was the mother, the head of the family and that was that. I was verbally and physically abused by her and have to tell you the pain lessens over time but you never forget it. My mother passed away without me, don't let that happen to you and your daughter. If you really want to fix things then you need to send her a letter telling her you are at fault and are willing to go into counciling to change your behavior and work on salvaging your relationship with her. You can't go back but you can go forwards. Maybe sitting with her in a counciling session or sessions and having her tell you everything you did then working on changing those behaviors will change things for both of you. Also you stated "She was my only love, my goal, and the meaning of my life.", those are tough words. If you were married to her father then he should of been your love too. Your goal should not be her, you raised her to be the person she is, to do what is right and live a meaningful life, now it is her life to live, not yours. The meaning of life should not start and stop with our children, someone once told me it is part of the cycle of life, a stage and that life after the kids are grown brings on change. We start with our parents raising us, to us raising our own children, to caring for our own parents if given the opportunity and let me tell you this is the toughest job emotionally but that is another thing, right now you need to work on rebuilding your relationship with your daughter. Take things slow and hopefully she will forgive you for all your mistakes. Do me one favor don't let things end up like they did with my mother and I.
Hugs,
Toni
It is very easy to feel bad and to apologize. The hard part is truly being a different and better person. All children want a good relationship with thier parents. But can you be a good parent?
Make sure that you don't just apologize. Make sure that every interaction you have with her demonstrates that you have changed. If you can't guarantee that you are going to treat her better, back off until you can. Otherwise you are just hurting your relationship and damaging her trust in you more.
I have an adult stepdaughter, and her mother could have written this post. I've watched over and over again how she has been hurt and disappointed in her mother's actions, and how the apologies mean nothing because the behavior continues. Each time she moves further and further away from her mom, and is willing to interact less and less.
You say you love your daughter, but love isn't about just about how you feel, or what you say. Love has to be expressed every day through your actions. Make sure you can be consistent with your actions, and you might be able to win her back.
Good luck for both of you. I know how much it would mean to my stepdaughter if she could have a real relationship with her mom. I hope your daughter gets that chance.