Anxiety about kindergarten

My 4 year old daughter will turn 5 years old this month. She has never been in a daycare setting. Although we tried many times over the years, she had severe separation anxiety and I didn't see it necessary, as I worked from home anyway. Another factor, regarding pre-school, is that we couldn't really afford the prices in our area (Where we lived the price was around $165 to $200/week for the good pre-schools). In an attempt to get her interested in kindergarten, we enrolled her into a church pre-school this summer, close to where we live. I went with her for "play time" several times - 30 minute intervals 3 days a week - before leaving her for the first day. She was Ok during these play times, but very nervous and shy. She didn't play at all, but stayed with me. She did seem interested in playing and was smiling at times. The first day I left her was for 2 hours and she seemed to do fine. She cried when
I left but was smiling when I picked her up. The second day that I left her was for 4 hours and during this 4 hours she was very unhappy. The director told me that she didn't eat, drink, or even want to go to the bathroom. Upon returning for the third day, the director met me at the door (where my daughter was trying to escape and was crying) and she told me that my daughter "is not ready". She expected that we leave and did not want my daughter to try any further. She said that when she is not with me she just "shut down" and didn't want to eat, drink, etc. She said that we should have tried this 2 years ago. I told her that I did try this 2 years ago and that it was a disaster. She replied that NOW it is a disaster. She suggested that in kindergarten they would have counselors that could help my daughter with any distress or anxiety. I decided to talk to my daughter's doctor about the situation and he said that she "needs to get over it!". This may be true but I feel guilty because I feel that it is my fault because I didn't have her in preschool or daycare before this point. We really just could not afford it. I have become so distressed and feel so guilty that I have considered home schooling her. The problem is that I simply do not have time, as I am running a business from my home and am re-turning to college to finish my degree in the Fall. If anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I can hardly sleep at night as the time comes closer for her to start kindergarten. I need to go get her registered this week and I dread taking my daughter to even visit, as she gets so nervous whenever we mentioned going to school.

A little about me:

I am a stay at home mom, who works from home. I have a 6 month old daughter and a 4 year old, turning 5 this month.

Poor little thing! I was one of those kids who was terrified to be away from my parents as well. Shame on that daycare director for chastising you for not doing this earlier! She should be more supportive. That's her job after all! I am a former day care worker and have taught Head Start. That inconsiderate woman should have encouraged you to keep bringing your daughter to the center for a couple of hours a day to help you get her used to it. My son was also very close to Mommy when I started him in daycare at 13 months old. Poor little guy used to just cry and cry and cry from the time I took him to his class till I picked him up. I worked right down the hall, so I heard every heartbreaking second of it. After about 2 weeks they hired a new person for that particular room and she understood that he was just scared and she spent a lot of extra time cuddling and talking to him. The other kids were playing and she would let him curl up in her lap and just watch. When he got ready to play he'd get down and play but he knew she was right there. By the time kindergarden rolled around he was thrilled to go!

Are there any families in your area with kids your daughter's age? Maybe you could set up a play date with some other mom's and their kids so that when she goes to kindergarden she already knows some other kids. What about the schoolbus? Is she excited about the schoolbus? Pick one thing that really excites her about kindergarden and focus on that. It'll be something positive for her to look forward to.

Don't feel guilty at all about the situation! You haven't done anything wrong!!! It's a shame how society makes mothers feel guilty about everything! If you worked out of the home they'd make you feel guilty about not being there, and now you feel guilty because you have been there!

Please don't home school her for this reason. It will only delay the fact that she needs to learn to be seperated from you and learn to be in society and in new situations alone. This is not your fault we all do what we feel is best at the time in any situation. I think your preschool should have given your daughter more of a chance but that is in the past. They do have councelors in kindergarten to help your daughter and I am sure she will do fine after an adjustment period. I personally spent the first 2 weeks of school in the "crying room" learing how to deal without my Mom. I also had never been to preschool. I do not remember this but my Mom does. I think this will end up being harder for you than your daughter but things will work out.

Best Wishes!

Hi Layla,
I am sorry that you had to go through this. I work in day care and this is something that happens. I had children come to my class that would cry the entire time they were there, even if they were being held and cuddled. It takes them time to learn that you will return for them and is typically more heartbreaking for the parents than it is the child. I suggest that if you really want to get her used to being away from you now, that you find another part time program close by your home. I would also suggest that the first visit you make is without her so that you can see how the staff reacts to you and your concerns. Be up front with them and tell them what happened. A good program will tell you that they are experienced with this type of situation and that they will take the time to help your baby girl learn to separate from you.
If you are going to just wait till school starts, I would ask around and see if you can find some children that she will be in school with and make play dates with them. Like someone else said, it might do her some good to have someone her own age to lean on during the first few weeks of school. They will have counselors there, and also the teachers are very well equipped to help the children.

As for what the director at the church preschool said, she was wrong. You did what was best for your family. No one should look down on you for that. That woman should have been more willing to give your daughter a chance to overcome her anxiety as sometimes it can take a few weeks or even a month or so.

I am sorry for your situation, I would be a wreck if my daughter was acting this way, so I sympathize greatly. However, I do think, for the most part, kids are hardier than we think, and she probably will adjust (slowly) do just fine.

The main point I have for you is that you should absolutley NOT feel bad about your daughter not going to preschool or daycare. For crying out loud - kids don't need preschool! Your child sounds sensitive and shy. You and she need some strategies for transitioning her and not bullying from anyone about how to do it - including a daycare director or a pediatrician. They both are acting very unprofessionally. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have done the wrong thing for your child by not putting her in some group setting.

First, I would seek out a new pediatrician who is helpful. Second, I would contact the school where your child will be attneding and ask to set up a meeting (even by phone) to discuss your concerns with her new kindergarten teacher or the staff counselor. It could be a matter of needing some coping skills. There is of course a chance that she has extreme ancxiety that needs professional help, but I would thank that is very unlikely. Worst case, she needs to delay one year - many very bright happy kids do that.

1) I would get her into a playgroup with kids her age and slightly older who can model good behavior in terms of seperating from a parent (that is not 2-3 year olds).

2) Work on encouraging her independence = "I can do it myself " attitude. Make sure you let her dress herself, fix her own snacks, play independent of you.

3) Talk about kindergarten, and get some books on the subject. Make a big shopping trip to go get a bookbag and some clothes.

4) Tell her how you will be spending her first day at kindergarten - "After I drop you off, I will..." Make it very concrete so she can really imagine that you are coming back for her and when.

5) See if you can have a meeting with the teacher this summer and let her visit the classroom.

I did not go to preschool, and I was very shy. I cried my first day of school. But I loved school and ended up with Ph.D, so please don't dread the worst.

My girl has been in daycare since 7 weeks old and there have been many phases when she has experienced similar behavior, although thankfully she is fine soon after I leave. But it certainly can ruin your day. She will start K this fall and while she is a social child, she will not know any of the children in the area. I would definately encourage some playdates with other girls and moms entering school in the fall. Eventually she should gain a comfort level and start wanting to go off and play with the other girls. Given your girl's extreme reaction, is there any chance your child might have some sort of sensory overload situation? I would also recommend contacting the school over the summer to see what they can offer in terms of counseling, transitioning, advice, etc. Good luck. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

My son is the same age and has been in preschool since he was 2 years old. The way your daughter is behaving now is the same way MOST children behave at any age when the go to school away from their parents for the first time. Your doctor is right about her needing to get over it and just accept it.
Don't get me wrong, it's scary for them but with time she will adjust. And it's heartbreaking for the parents but you gotta do it for the best interest of your daughter.
You must show her how much you love her by letting her go.
She will get teased in kindergarten and most likely after if she cannot be in a social situation around kids her age.
I can't tell you how mean some of the 5 year olds are in my son's class from being really bossy to saying mean things to saying potty words.
I can only imagine how hard it will be on your daughter to be put into a situation like kindergarten so soon without ever being in a school setting before.
Try not to feel guilty and enroll her in some group classes like swimming or reading programs before August.
Your daughter NEEDS TO KNOW that going to school means going to see your friends and playing with them which is so much fun....i.e. making friends!
That's what we've always said to my son. Although the learning part we just ignore telling him that because it's a natural progression.
Be strong and enroll her in some things before August!!

First of all, you are a caring mom who really wants the best for her kids, so give yourself a pat on the back and try not to feel guilty. Secondly, maybe your daughter will do better if she is eased into it. For instance, is there a co-operative preschool/kindergarten near you that will allow you to volunteer in her classroom while she goes to school? You might be able to do all your volunteer hours during the first month or so of school. Or you could sign her up for co-op summer camps to help her adjust by the fall, or other short summer camps and then ask if you could volunteer for part of it. Another option is you could talk to the school when you sign her up for kindergarten and explain your concern, ask if you could volunteer during the first few days. I think the school might want to work with you to help. Explore the options. Schools should know and understand that some kids don't do as well with being left, and hopefully they have some ideas for you. Good luck!

Yes you are correct you should have started this when she was younger and easier to handle she would have adjusted faster and quicker when she was younger. MOST children when they are two or three have separation problems and when they are dealt with grow out of them. In avoiding them and just not including her in these activities you have caused a bigger prob. What i would suggest is to keep sending her to the church as you have, you need to stop avoiding the prob. over time it may take a month of classes she will learn to deal with it. You really don't want to wait until she has to start school to deal with it. You might have to find a church where the instructor is willing to deal with her. If you keep it up she will get better. You don't want her to have to deal with starting kindergarten AND learning. Just drop her off each time and just leave. Don't look back. You want to teach her no matter what kind of production she puts on you are not going to come back and save her from NOTHING.

Since you are running out of time, I suggest finding some craft or swimming lessons in which you can enroll her. They are a short time and the time she will be there is scheduled. It might be that this "pre-school" situation is not structured enough for her and the free time is over whelming. I know there are also dance studios that offer week long camps that are mornings only like 9-12. They are terrific! Try something like that.

Hire a mother's helper to come in a couple mornings a week to take her and play with her while you work. Tell her that you will be very busy and she has to stay with the helper. It's not quite the same, but it will give her the sense of what will be happening while she is in school.

Take her to school and register her. Let her see the school. Take her on a tour. You might get lucky and the teachers will be there. I would talk about school until you are purple! Tell her all the great things she will do and learn. Then I'd hit the library for books about school. Let me tell you, that kid should want to go to school to get away from your incessant talking about school!! LOL!

The other thing is this - she reads your body language. She knows you really don't want her to go to school. She knows that you are anxious about school. You've got to make her understand that school is not an option and that you want her to go.

Stop feeling guilty. A friend of mine had the some of the same issues. As soon as she stopped worrying that her kid was off to school and that she wasn't ready, the kid was fine. You need to believe that your child is ready and will do fine. They read you... they are smart...

Speak with the principal at the school when you register. Tell her of your concerns. They will make a note of it and have someone meet the bus.

Good luck!
LBC

You have been given so much execellent advise that I only have 2 things to add. First you might consider looking into some counseling for your daughter. This is a serious problem and you need to address it. Even if you choose to homeschool she needs to learn to function with out you near. Second start reading her the Kissing Hand, its a cute book all about a little racoon afraid to go to school with his mama.

I would not feel guilty about this. Different kids develop at different rates. I would homeschool her for Kindergarten. It takes a lot less time than you would think and it will give her some extra time to adjust. In the mean time I would look for easy opportunities to adjust her to being away from you over the next year. IF you don't attend a church you might look for one with a well run children's program and then try to gradually work her into it. that would only be an hour once a week to start. I would not want t send her to a public school to be labeled by a counselor. Some kids are just more shy than others and need more time to adjust to social stiuations

It's hard to transition sometimes. But our childen are smart and can pick upon things. When I started the sleep training and it got hard I felt guilty. When it was my husbands night it went well. He said he just puts him to bed. I think my son was picking up the fact that I felt guilty and would love to cuddle him a little more. Every child has to go to school. Unless you home school. Some kids love school and some kids could care less. In kindergarten they do introduce the program great. One 1/2 of the week you go in the AM and the other half they go in the PM and then a full day the last day. I think it's a great transition. I think you need to start talikg positive things to her. Get her excited and not tell a soul she is nervus. Buil it up to be some fun place to be. She gets to get all these supplies and so on. I'll say a prayer right now for you guys!

I think you have the wrong preschool, that's the problem, not YOU! That director sounds like a real peach! Or rather, a prune! If she has never seen this reaction before then this is either her first job or she kicks out a LOT of kids. There are things you can do to contribute to your daughter's successful separation, and it sounds like she was making a good adjustment before you were made to leave for as long as you did. Find another preschool where they will work with you more patiently and supportively, that's my suggestion. Not all preschools are created equal! Also, don't be afraid to ask about scholarships or financial support, a lot of preschools do offer some kind of financial aid. Good luck and don't let that witch get you down!

Try researching a "Cooperative" school setting. I found one in AAco. for preschool and was thrilled with it. There has to be one around that has a kindergarten program. Lower costs in leiu of parental support/interaction/involvement. You end up having a more supportive & kind environment- especially in the separation anxiety department. I am actually the one getting ready for my own separation anxiety sending my 5yo to public Kindergarten now! The so called system is really screwy now, if you ask me. Even at 5- they are babies! All day in a foreign setting is just too much, no matter how much you prepare them. It's sad that parents are 'forced' to enroll these babies in preschool programs just to prepare them, when not so long ago- that is exactly what Kindergarten was for! To guide and prep them for grade school.

There is a great book by Kevin Henkes called Wemberly Worried about starting school--it's wonderful. He also writes other great kids books and you may want to find some children's books at the library dealing w/this situation.

Do you have friends in your neighborhood starting kindergarten too? It might help to seek them out and have a few playdates before the first day of school. With any luck they'll be in the same class.

Find a teen babysitter in your area that would come over for an hour or 2 this summer--have some activities planned to keep your daughter distracted while you're out. Get your daughter used to you being away just for a short time--lengthen the time as needed.

Don't forget to visit the classroom before the start of school--most schools let you go in a couple of days before the start to check out the room and see where everything is. It takes away the fear of the unknown. Most kindergarten teachers have alot of experience w/this situation and will do all they can to help your daughter have fun.

You just need to bite the bullet and get her used to school. Homeschooling isn't an option and she will eventually grow to love school.

First of all I doubt she just "needs to gets over it." I'd probably switch doctors. She is still very young. Here where we live often times when kids turn 5 in the summer parents opt to start kindergarten the following year - would this be possible for you? If so maybe you could use this to your advantage. You could tell your daughter that she will not be starting kindergarten school right now if she agrees to go to a preschool for a couple of hours 2 days a week. Explain to her the difference in the time she will be gone by not going to kindergarten. Then gradually move it up to 3 days a week after she gets into the swing of things.

If you must start her in kindergarten because of your work situation I would do the same thing this summer. The teacher should be a bit more sympathetic and understand that the first 2 weeks will be the hardest for you, your daughter and the teacher.

Keep up the good work.

Good luck
~Questie

Hi Layla,

Wow, you have gotten some great responses! Such caring moms on this link~ I don't normally write in this but yours was one of the few that caught my attention. I have 3 children, my youngest turned 4 in March. Like you, none of my children have been in preschool and I don't regret any bit of it! I have loved having them home and working with them when I did. After all, play time was "work" for them! Fortunately, both my 2 oldest, now 9 and 7, when they started Kindergarten, half day, they did great, were excited and pumped up to go. Now, although I didn't send any of them to preschool, I took them to MOPS, library, had playdates and dropped them off at my mom's often. I made sure they got out and got involved in different things. I believe that helped. Now my youngest who turned 4 in March has another year before Kindergarten starts and he has, more than the older brothers showed anxiety from separating from me. I have done the same thing but he seems to cling to me more than the others. I know full day Kindergarten is out of the question for him. You might want to look into co-op homeschool, which I am considering, what she does is goes in 2 days a week and the other 3 days, the teachers give you stuff to do at home, which isn't bad idea. Another option is what most ladies have said here, go to the school, meet the principal, teachers, and talk to them, see if they are in agreement with you, passionate and caring about your child. That is important, you need a caring environment to encourage you & your daughter for a nice transition. It may be tough at first, but it will all work out. Another option is to wait a year for her to go to Kindergarten, but if you do that, try to find something that you can get her involved in during the year to be away from you for a consistent routine. I have had many friends who held their child back a year b/c they aren't ready for school, etc. Even 5 year old birthdays in July as well wait a year. I know how you feel and its a hard decision and another big factor is talk about the school, go to the playground, how fun it will be, I did that often with the older boys and they did well~~ whew!! I am a little concerned about my youngest, but keeping eyes out what to do to help him build his confidence in the next year!!

Best of luck and prayers to you,
Stephanie
SAHM of 3 boys, ages 9, 7 and 4~~

Is the problem really your daughter? I think it is more you. It may take longer than a few days for her to open up. She can't make friends in one or two hour periods. She will cry,
but before you know it she will be happy.
I just don't understand why the parents of today think their children are so different from the children of yesterday.
If you love your children and take good care of them, they will be fine. So, take your daughter to a good day group drop her off and go have a good day.
Remember, you can't go with her to High School and College and that is what you are preparing her for.

I am sorry you had that unfortunate experience. I am very surprised that the director was so negative. Especially after just three days. A lot of kids have trouble adjusting to preschool and kindergarten, it takes time. Most preschools that I have heard of say it can take a week or two for some to get into the swing of things. My son "shuts down" when in a new situation as well. Given time and patience he will "get over it" and join but it can't be forced. It sounds like this "director" is overextended and impatient. Three days is not enough time. Also, if the director was so unkind to you she may have been a large part of why your daughter had a hard time. She certainly doesn't seem very nurturing in your description. I would try and find a different group, one that is understanding of your daughter's difficulty and apprehension. You might try to find a vacation bible school to take her to for a week this summer. Some will allow you to stay for a while until she is comfortable (the whole time if necessary). That way she can be less concerned with being "left" somewhere and she may find it fun to be a part of the activities. I only put my son in one year of preschool even with his shyness and he is doing very well and loves school. He had a very supportive teacher and director and I believe that made all the difference. Please don't allow that one person to make you doubt yourself. She seems to be the one with the problem. Good luck and take care