Hello mamas! I'm curious if this is an issue any of you have dealt with and how you handled it.
I have some wonderful mama friends and, as a Leo, I am fiercely loyal to all my friends. I help out every time I'm asked, even if it's inconvenient. Example: my husband's birthday was last weekend. My friend asked if I could help her set up for her daughter's birthday party that day. I said yes and spent two hours busting my butt in the heat putting up decorations, making food, etc. before going home to pamper my hubby. The week prior to that, I had a HUGE work project that I was struggling to finish (literally a million dollar deal for me - IF I got it right - I was crazed with stress) when this same friend asked if I could watch her daughter for a few hours while she took her other child for a routine doctor visit. I said yes, because I'm a firm believer in "you get what you give." I try to never miss an opportunity to do good.
Here's the problem - the last two times I asked this same friend if she could help me out by watching my two (well behaved, polite) kids for a couple of hours, she said no, she was too busy, too frazzled, too stressed. One time was for a work thing and the other was to attend my BIL's birthday dinner. She even said to me, "I know you would help me even if you were bleeding out your eyes, but I just can't handle any more on my plate." With two Autistic children, she surely does have a lot on her plate, but I am torn on how to handle this. I can either pull back and not be so accommodating to her anymore because I really feel like I'm being used OR I can not let this person's faults become my faults as well and just keep being the helpful, giving person that I truly am.
Last thing I will add is that this seems to happen with a lot of my friends. Everyone is always too busy to help me, even though I help them all the time. Seriously, what gives?!!
I don't want to be used, but I don't want to go against my natural inclination to be a positive force in the world either. Any ideas??
If you think she's giving you an honest answer, then consider accepting that she has too much on her plate to reciprocate. Two special needs children can be a lot.
For your part, you can decide if you really do all you do in the future. You are also allowed to say, "I can't do it today, sorry."
Maybe you need to cultivate friends who are better at giving than receiving.
I am the same way too or I was. My husband finally put his foot down and said no more and it stopped. I ocassionally will help out here and there if I can, but I will not change or rearrange my plans to help out. It is sad to say that, but I got tired of getting used.
Your friend should have definitely watched your kids when you needed her to. And she even KNEW that you would have done it if she had asked you. So yes, I would definitely pull back with this friend. Friendship is a two way street. You don't take without giving.
You are going to have to say "NO" in helping for others to see what they have. I truly believe they don't mean to "use" but they are taking you for granted, and they will continue until you say "NO" a few times. The next time they ask when you are stressed, just say no and they will have to go to plan "B".
There is nothing wrong with saying "NO" either, you are still a loyal good person, and you are not passing an opportunity to do good, you are helping them to be good to you... YOU DESERVE IT!!!
You should be commended for being such a good friend! Unfortunately sometimes people are just not aware of how much sacrifice goes into the favors they ask for. My advice would be to continue being the wonderful friend that you are! Like you said, you get what you give...maybe yours is just a really, exceptionally large blessing that you will receive one day.
In my opinion, if you are happy to help out then you should continue to do so. If you are becoming resentful or feeling used then you need to say no. It is okay to say no I am unavailable this afternoon (I don't personally view that as a fault).
I have pretty much given up on most of my friendships because it was the same way. I expect to be given what I give. It's not to much to ask. Sure if there really isn't a way you can help, there is always next time, but the next time came around and the next and the next, and I never received help I deserved.
I say cut back on the friendship, stop doing nice things for her and concentrate on you and your own family. And if she steps up, yay!! if not, oh well.
Hmmm...several ways to look at this.
If helping out is "YOUR natural inclination to be a positive force in the world" then, by all means, keep helping out! But don't expect anything in return.
If you would like to keep your giving 'even-stevens" then you're going to have to learn how to say NO sometimes!
I would tell her the same thing in the future..."sorry but I have a lot on my plate right now". Seems like a great response that obviously works! You know what I always say? "Actions speak louder than words". I'm a very nice and giving person, but if that other person can't do the same for me, then sorry...its a sign of who your "true" friends and family are. Good luck!
I don't know the "all" of you but here is my opinion ...
If giving and helping others, even when it is inconvenient to you, is what makes you happy then you should do that. HOWEVER, remember not everyone is like you. You are not being used, you are willingly doing what is asked of you. You can always say no. =)
just to ramble...
My sister in law is similiar to you, she even does things that no one asks her to do. Then she complains when people cant (or even offers) to help her. Then she will say well I am just not gonna help this person anymore because they never help me. Which just seems so petty to me. It's like she is keeping score. I now refuse anything she tries to do for me or give me.
If you help your friends because you want to, then great. But if you are helping them because you expect them to do the same for you, then you'll be disappointed.
You have chosen your helping philosophy: not to miss an opportunity to do good. Your friends get to choose theirs, too: like setting limits on how much good they can do without being too stressed. You will have to accept that your friends can't push themselves as much as you do, and decide if it's worth it for you to help them even when you are "bleeding from your eyeballs.".
First I don't think it is a Leo issue since I am a Pisces and do the same thing. If it makes you feel better I am the one with the autistic child and damned if any of them will help me with him. Maybe your friend is using my Karma, make her give it back!
What I have noticed is those that wouldn't be labled as friends are the friends that would help me out. The friends that claim frienship tend to be those that use me. My fav is my "best" friend who doesn't answer my calls but calls me when she needs something using the guilt that we haven't got together in soooo long to get me to do things. Yeah that worked for about a year before I started to see the pattern. :(
I think for me it is a matter of how much I can take. Not referring to work but how much I can stand a one way friendship. There is always this point where I start feeling used. I address it and if they dismiss my feelings it is done.
Edit: I saw a few doormat comments that I feel I must address. I don't help people because I want something in return. I help random strangers how are they to help me in the future. I do things because I just enjoy doing them. It is sort of why the retaining walls in my yard change from year to year, I enjoy the work. At least for me it is when I am backed against the wall and I ask for help it hurts a bit when no one will help me. That is just the feeling I got from the OP as well.
I would take each situation on a case by case basis. In this particular friends case she has two autistic kids and may not be able to see the forest thru the trees as much. I think it says something that she is honest and aware enough to acknowledge that you would help her no matter what. In this instance I would suggest going with your gut-if you feel she is taking advantage of you-then pull back, if you think it truly is she just can't take on more then don't change how you do things.
For the other friends-there always seems to be the givers and the takers in relationships and for those you need to set your comfortable boundries. You don't want to do something out of the goodness of your hert, but then feel annoyed afterwards-BUT if you choose to volunteer and they haven't asked you can't really get angry with them. Even though they 'should' reciprocate-many people just don't have that on their radar.
Friendship is a 2 way street and if you are the only 1 on the road driving to help everyone then you might need to rethink your friendships. I'd say you need to stop agreeing to everything that is asked of you. If it's convenient for you to help out then help. If you have other things to do then bow out. You'll feel less resentful.
The other thing I'd like to mention is that with friendships I don't keep a running list of everything I've done for others nor do I expect them to keep a running list of everything they've done for me. Sometimes I'm more needy than others and my friends seem to be there through thick and thin. I've got 1 friend who is needy and I help out when I can. She's in no position to assist me but I'm there for her when I'm able.
I think it is wonderful that you are so giving. It does sound, though, like maybe you need to work on setting boundaries. You freely admit that you take on these situations when you have other obligations you are trying to take on at the same time. Your friends HAVE learned to set boundaries on what they are physically/mentally/emotionally able to do to help out a friend. You are the one that has not. So work on that.
The first step, I would say, is to say "no" the next time one of your friends asks. I would try to prioritize my friends' needs (putting your friend with 2 special needs kids high on the list of course) and let the "needs" at the bottom be dealt with by the person who needs them. In other words... your friend with the special needs kids may have a much harder time finding a Plan B person to help, but another friend of yours may not- it might just be quicker and easier for her to ask you, since she expects you to say yes everytime. Say no. Save some of your energy for the next time when you absolutely cannot say 'no'.
It isn't your burden. If you give of yourself even when you are bleeding from your eyes (as your friend put it) then they KNOW that they are asking more than THEY would be able to do themselves. So don't feel bad if you just can't this time. It's kind of like being a mom. You give and give and give...but if you don't take time for yourself along the way---you will give OUT and be of no use to anybody.
If you like to help people, go for it but please don't expect others to be so "overly generous" with their time. Quite honestly, you need to start saying "no" once in a while. Not because your friends are not reciprocating, but because you are overextending yourself and that's not healthy. Again, your friend has two children with Autism and has expressed to you that she cannot handle more, which is a healthy response.
Being "helpful" is one thing... doormat is another. If you have something going on, then say NO. It's quite liberating once you start using that little word and stop feeling guilty.
Say no. People cannot use you unless you allow yourself to be used. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, or to tell you to hold back your true nature. Just be a little bit more discriminatory in the choices you make to help out. It's fine to watch your friend's kids once in awhile IF you don't have something else pressing that cannot be postponed. In an emergency, sure, if you're the only one who can help then by all means do so if you're able. But don't hesitate to say "sorry, I really can't this time" the next time you are asked a favor that would put you out. Once your friends start to realize that you are not so into being taken advantage of, maybe they'll come around and start helping you out a little more in the hopes that you'll continue to do the same. I really hope they do, because you sound like a wonderful person.
p.s. As for the friend with the 2 autistic children, it sounds like she is being genuine. But, she should be able to find SOME time to help you out once in awhile. At least she realizes that she's the "taker" in your relationship.