adult daughter

My adult daughter will not return my phone calls. For the past two years I have not recieved birthday cards or Mother's Day cards. She did call me this year and wished me a happy birthday. The following week she called to say she had received a brithday card from us for her oldest boy. I mentioned that I was hurt that she did not send me a birthday card. Her reply was I am not going to make her feel guilty.This upset her, she went on and on and hung up on me. My husbands says I should not have said anything since she had given us a party for our 50th months ago. As I said I have tried calling, left messages, sent a note and she has not returned them. Since we are going on a months vacation, my husband also called, no return phone call. I would like to make amends before our trip. Seeking answers. Cindy

sometimes you have to be the the bigger person and apologize for your actiions. have you told her that you are sorry for saying something about not getting a card from her. not all people do cards…i personally think they are a waste of money. i would rather do a phone call. in your note above you sound very petty and very slefish…

Okay. I have a good relationship with my parents most of the time. I don’t always get them cards or gifts for their birthday’s. Sometimes money is tight. That should have no bearing on what they choose to do for my kids. I think as the adult parent, you need to apologize for trying to make her feel bad for not sending you a card, and suck it up. I gave up trying to make MY birthday’s important as soon as I was pregnant with number 1. It’s great to celebrate, but I certainly wouldn’t make my kids feel bad for not giving me a card. I think you should apologize.

I think she also is acting like a child in not returning your calls. If my mom and I argue, it lasts maybe a day. Maybe a little longer if she’s crossed lines with my kids. I’m thinking this has been her learned way from childhood to deal with confrontation (yes, I’m channeling Dr. Phil)…so I’d talk to her and tell her when she’s upset to talk to me instead of ignoring me.

Good luck and have fun on vacation! I’d love to go on vacation for a month!

You are not commenting on why she’s angry. Without that, no one can really help. Even with that, it will only be your side. I assume you know why she’s angry. What do YOU think you should do. Sounds like there’s some apologizing to do.

ETA: I just reread this – she didn’t send a card but she did call? And you’re upset? So you called her and complained that she didn’t send a card? Yeah, I’d be mad, too. Cards are expensive and impersonal. I thought you wrote she did NOT call, but she did. She didn’t ignore you – you just are wedded to the idea that cards are important. Personally, I think cards are a racket and a money pit. I’d have been angry, too.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this pain with your adult daughter!

There’s not much background info in your question so it’s hard to give a specific idea of how to help. I think if I were you I’d back off and give her some space. Before my trip I’d probably send her a nice card to let her know that we’ll be gone for a month, but to leave a message if she needs you for any reason (I’d check for messages periodically). I’d let her know I love her and then let it go.

Sometimes it just has to be enough that your child is grown, married and happy with a child of her own. It would be great to have close, extended family relationships but it doesn’t always work out that way.

I’d also focus on my husband and my own life, being the best person I can be and still contributing to the good of the world. If you’re spiritual at all I’d do more with my faith community.

Good luck. <>

I don’t think anyone here can give you the answers to this problem, Cindy. Something is wrong with your relationship. You need to figure out what happened. Either it was you or it was her or a combination of both.

If you really want to know what’s wrong, you have to be willing to accept some hard opinions from those around you who are OBJECTIVE regarding you two. Are there any around you who fit the bill?

I do want to add that some people just don’t send cards. They use other ways (to the chagrin of the card industry) to say happy birthday, like the phone, or email or facebook. She may feel that all you can think of is the card issue. But that is most certainly the tip of the iceberg as in what’s wrong with your relationship…

So sorry.
Dawn

Hmm…

Well, I rarely send cards… I look at the cost, and the fact that most of the time they end up in the trash… money is VERY tight for us right now.

I used to call my mom a lot, but don’t call as much anymore… it is harder for her to understand much on the phone now, and I don’t want to disturb her if she is sleeping. (She is 88 now…)

I don’t know if this makes a difference, but I am 54…

My kids don’t send cards, either… they call, but not often. I do talk to 3 of them on the internet frequently, though… (one of the 4 still lives with us, so I see him when our paths cross… he works almost full time AND goes to school, so he isn’t home much.)

Rather than focus on what she ISN’T doing, focus on the positive things… she did give you and your husband a party for your 50th… that is a big accomplishment!

Frankly, as far as the issue of the birthday card vs the phone call, I think the fact that she DID call you on your birthday was her way of greeting you… and you chose to be petty about the point a week later that she didn’t SEND you a card… so, yes, she is hurt by it… she reached out to you, and you rejected her gesture… she probably feels that if she does call you, that you are going to go on and on about why she doesn’t call…

As you said, she is an adult… she has a life now, also. It is sometimes hard for us to understand that they have things they need to do outside of our life.

I will admit, though… you sound rather demanding… and that may be why she chooses not to talk to you? That is one issue with my SIL and his mother… she gets very demanding that they spend time with her, and so as a result, they don’t WANT to spend time with them.

I would suggest sending her a card, apologizing for your comments, and tell her that you will be gone for a month, so she knows where you are.

There are some people who are card/letter senders, and others who are callers. She falls into the latter category. Don’t try to make her into something she’s not. I personally can’t justify the costs of cards these days, and would much rather have a conversation over the phone wishing a happy birthday, anniversary, etc than sending some overpriced piece of paper that will be thrown into the trash…

My only suggestion is that since she is not returning your calls, write her a note explaining that you don’t understand why she is not calling you or your husband back. Ask what have you done? She sounds angry and you need to find out why. If you are demanding that she sends cards on every occasion, please stop. If she calls, that should be enough because she made the effort to contact you.

I do think that it is immature of her not to tell you and your husband what is going on. Life is too short to be mad.

Good luck!

perhaps, after a lifetime of angst with you, she has realized she no longer has to bear the guilt she feels you bring down upon her. That is what I am reading in your post.

She called & wished you a Happy Birthday. Seriously & honestly, I consider that soooo much better than a card! & yet you felt you had the right to place guilt on her for not sending a card. Shame on you. This is the daughter who gave you an anniv party! Whether that gift from the heart was thru societal obligations or truly from the heart…is something only the two of you can say.

since none of us know your situation, which will read very different/sometimes quite opposite that of your daughter’s…we really can’t offer any ideas on how to breach the dam between you.

only you can address this. Only you know the backstory. Only you know what has brought your daughter to this event. & the fact that she has given to you in the past is a hopeful sign.

I say go on your trip. Enjoy yourself. Allow some time to pass before attempting to gather the family together for the holidays. & during this season of autumn, really use this time to look within yourself & consider your life with your daughter…from her perspective.

I’d like to welcome you to Mamapedia. This is a tough call for the 1st question. Wishing you Peace.

Cindy

You were trying to guilt her about the card and she did the right thing to end the conversation. I will bet you anything that if you ask your friends and other family members to be completely honest with you, that you will learn that you do that often when people do not do as you expect/demand from them. You probably have been doing it for so long you don’t even realize it.

My grandmother pulled that same stunt - upset b/c no bday card - yet I was seeing her nearly every week (and 1 hour drive each way) while still dealing with 3 kids, a husband, 2 pets, a household and everything else. I finally had enough and told her that I was tired of it and not going to take it anymore. She told everyone how rude/disrepectful/etc… that I was until one of her life long friends told her she was DEAD WRONG!!! She called me a few times and I refused to return any calls/notes/emails until I WAS READY. I was not going to do what she wanted and it did upset her but I am a Grown Married Woman and I will deal with things when and as I see necessary. By the time I did call her back - she began to realize that I am not a child who will do as she wants, instead I am an Adult who will do as I WANT.

You sound very picky, needy, ungrateful, selfish and rude.

Basically, you need to look at yourself and think about your actions and reactions. You also need to realize that your daughter will contact you when she is ready - it is her choice of how and when she contacts you - it is NOT your choice.

There has to be a deeper issue here. From reading this I think you make her feel guilty if she doesn’t do what you want. Maybe you should suggest talking things out. See what is bothering her and listen to her. If you need to apologize for the past than do so. It is sad that she is not returning your phone calls but there seems to be an underlying issue here. As the Mom take the responsibilty to get to the bottom of it and to listen to what she has to say. Good luck to you both.

Wait…she gave you a party for your 50th just a few months before your birthday…

And she called to wish you happy birthday, so she DID remember you were having a birthday…

And she called again, to let you know that her son had received the card you sent him (a call she didn’t have to make)…

So your response to all the above was to bring up the fact she did not send you a birthday card.

When you read the order of events like that, does it get through to you that she has been the one doing things to stay in touch with you, but you guilted her for not doing ENOUGH? Someone throws you a party – probably a pretty decent-sized one if it was for a 50th anniversary – and your focus is on your desire for a piece of cardboard in an envelope? She did not forget your birthday, and she promptly acknowledged the card you sent her own son.

Please dig into the real and bigger issues between you. She may be angry becuase you seem ungrateful for the party and the contacts she has made.

Write her a note apologizing for your criticism about the card. Let her know you loved the phone call, but just miss her.

Remember she gave you a 50th anniversary party… That is huge…she loves you, but you seem to have expectations rather than understanding.

As moms we adore our children. We know they are busy in their own lives and are trying their best. Any comment you make to her about what she is not doing for you, is just more pressure. I am sure you did not intend this.

Your daughter is now a mom and her priority is her husband and and child.
Accept this and be thrilled for her. Do not add to her stress, instead take it away, by acknowledging, being a mom with a young child and busy family is hard… And you are proud of her. Instead offer to help her… Put your own needs on your spouse, not you adult child.

If none of our advice sounds good to you or does not make sense. Consider counseling… They will help you work through this and find your own type of peace.

Well it sounds like she’s mad at something.
I have no idea what it might be.
It might be there are things that you and she will never see eye to eye on.
You have to reach a state of detente - agree to disagree - ease the tensions - and stop trying so hard.
Don’t expect responses.
Do not worry about patching up anything or making amends before your trip.
Just send her maybe one airy post card saying you are having a good time and you hope she and her family are well.

Your husband is right. LISTEN to him!

At this point, you need to apologize. And stop “attaching strings” to things like gifts or cards for your grandkids.

Well, I’m assuming that something happened 2 years ago that has caused some distance. So the problem isn’t the card, it’s whatever the deeper issue is. She is your ADULT daughter. Stop criticizing and expecting her to make you feel happy. Deal with whatever it is that’s going on under this. It’s not all her.

I would think a phone call for your birthday was way better than a card. People attach too much significance to cards. It’s somebody else’s poetry on an expensive piece of paper. I hate cards and wish people wouldn’t waste their money on them.

I think there are probably two sides to this story… and we aren’t hearing your daughter’s. It sounds like she is fed up with both of you. I agree with your husband and I think you should send a note apologizing for your behavior. Tell her life’s too short and you’re not getting any younger and you want to have a good relationship with her while you can and you will do anything to make that happen. And then let it go. You can’t bully her into being how you want her to be.

Two things are obvious to me from what you wrote.

  1. Your daughter is very hurt and
  2. You don’t hear her.

When you write, “Her reply was I am not going to make her feel guilty.This upset her, she went on and on and hung up on me.” It shows me that you tuned her out when she was trying to express how she was feeling and what she was thinking.

It can be very painful when someone has hurt you or you have perceived someone has hurt you and you try to explain your position and they belittle how you feel or can’t even hear you, especially when that person is your mother.

How you fix it is by calling her and leaving her a message about how truly sorry you are for whatever it was that you did. Let her know that you are willing to listen to what she has to say and you will not intrude into her life and when she is ready to talk she can reach out to you. All of these words have to come from the heart and be prepared to truly listen to what she says even if you don’t agree with her feelings or position. Empathize with how she may be feeling. Also be willing to look at yourself. Sometimes it is very difficult to accept the naked truth about ourselves especially when we aren’t as lovely or kind or tender or gentle as we think we are.

Lastly card are your thing just like they are my husbands thing. I get him cards because they are his thing. He gives me cards because that is his thing. Accept that your daughter’s expression of love for you is to hear your voice rather than send you a card. Don’t reject her expression of love because it is not yours.

Lastly she just needs time and some space. Let her have it. Only reach out to her consistently once a month letting her know you love her and just wanted to know how she and her family are doing. No added agendas or manipulations. In time when she perceives you are being authentic she may come around.

I hope this helps.

There’s a lot going on here, and you’ve got to separate the issues to get some answers. Instead of using the rare occasion that you do hear from her to complain about how hurt you are about not hearing from her, ask her how she’s doing…what’s going on with her. Don’t be defensive or offensive. Step outside yourself and ask because you care. She might tell you. Then, you can address how it makes you feel.

I have NEVER sent my mom birthday cards or Mother’s Day cards. EVER. We do talk over Skype a lot and I see her at least twice a year (my parents live overseas). What she doesn’t do is make me feel guilty. And why should I feel guilty? Will she think I love her any less just because I didn’t waste money on a card? Does she think I don’t think about her because I didn’t tell her “I’m thinking of you” in a card? I love my mother with all my heart. She knows this. We don’t need cards to maintain our relationship.

It really sounds like you and your daughter talk on the phone, you’re somewhat active in her kids’ lives, she throws parties for you, what more do you want? You made her feel guilty over a card? Are there other things you try to make her feel guilty about? From her rant to you, it sounds like things have been building up for a while and she finally had enough. Give her some space. Send her postcards from your vacation (without adding any guilt trips) and try calling her when you get back. And really try to have a relationship with her that doesn’t involve trying to make her feel bad for not trying hard enough to make YOU happy. She has her own life and her own family to raise. It’s not her job to make you happy.

I’d be curious to see what HER post would be (the other side of this story) if she was on Mamapedia…