I am trying so hard to not worry, but my 28 year old daughter is doing it again. Long story short, we have had the discussion about acknowledging texts, phone calls or emails and how I think it is rude not to acknowledge them. She knows this bothers me. We drove out from Colorado to California together over Memorial day weekend and she is staying with me for the month of June. She left Monday to go to San Francisco for a week. She let me know that she arrived but has not been in touch since. I know I should leave her alone, but since I have texted to see how things are going and called to see if she is okay, (yes I know I shouldn't have) Now I am worried because she has ignored the texts and the call. Oh well, what can I do. I worry that she is okay, due to her going to SF alone and then I am angry if she is okay, because she is ignoring my text, when she knows all she has to do is say, I'm okay for a text message. She had a couple of meetings in SF but I do not know where she is staying, or have anyone to contact to check on her. We had a terrible fight during our drive out about the way she is treating me. I feel that she doesn't like me or respect me. I know she is trying to make some major life decisions and I know she needs space, but to be so rude and inconsiderate is just bothering me so much, I am beside myself, but also worry about her. It is such a little thing to ask, just to text me, to let me know she is okay. I am very hurt, again, I was just going to send her an email to say I love her and to please just send me a quick note, but decided to vent here instead... I can't believe she is my daughter behaving this way, it is like a slap in the face and a kick in the stomach, especially where we just discussed this very thing and how much it means to me to be acknowledged....
Jean, you really need to back off. Your daughter is ALMOST 30 YEARS OLD. She is not a child. You are smothering her. She is not being rude. She is not being inconsiderate. She is being an ADULT who does not have to report in to her mommy. You are driving her away.
Please, stop looking to your child for acknowledgement. Get some professional help to deal with your feelings. They are NOT your daughter’s responsibility, they are your own.
You really need to back off and let her be. You don’t need to know where she is all the time. You don’t need to have anyone check on her. SHE IS ALMOST 30.
She loves you, but honestly she may NOT like or respect your behavior at all. Moms have given you the same answer every time you have asked this. This is NOT her problem. It is YOUR problem. It is YOUR issue, and you need to deal with it. She is not slapping you or kicking you emotionally. You are bullying her and blaming her for not giving her what you want. But she is not responsible for filling whatever emotional void you are trying to fill.
Please, stop taking the easy way of blaming your child for not caring enough for you and get PROFESSIONAL help. If you don’t you will push her all the way away, and you will only have yourself to blame for it.
I agree with you to an extent. I can stand it when I tell my husband something and he doesn’t say anything back. I’ve asked him many times to simply say, “Ok” or “Got it” or in some way acknowledge that he heard me. Otherwise I’m left wondering, “Did he not hear me? Should I say it again?” or “Did he hear me and just not have anything to add.” I just need some acknowledgement from him that he heard what I said.
But I don’t think this is the case right now, and there’s no point trying to say it is. You said you wonder if she’s ignoring you. Of course she is. This is her way of dealing with it. She arrived safely in San Francisco and let you know. She has no intention of talking to you until she leaves. More than likely, she decided that awhile ago. She would let you know that she arrived safely and that’s it. No other communications for the week. As hard as it is for you to do this, you have to try and respect that wish.
You have to give her space. The more you try, the more you push her away. You have to give her space.
Jean,
It seems to me like she is making boundaries with you.
She is 28. She is an adult. You are telling her that if she doesn’t acknowledge your texts, etc. that it hurts you. If I were in that position of being ‘checked in on’ and disliked it, then I was told that I was hurting my parent’s feelings if I didn’t act like a dependent child, I’d be resentful too.
I’m not trying to upset you, but if you read your post, it looks as though you still think of her as a teenager. You say that you don’t know where she’s staying and there’s no one to check on her. Why do you think she needs to be checked on?
You say that she needs space, but then call her rude for not answering your texts. I wonder if she might think you are being disrespectful toward her by not honoring her desire to be independent. The way you describe her is like a parent describing a kid who keeps staying out too late.
She is trying to be an adult. An independent adult. Let her. Go find someone to help you figure out why you are so fixated on her safety. I understand that she is staying with you, and that’s nice of you to offer her a place, however, you seem to want her to check in far more often than most parents of adult children I know.
Find out why this is so hard for you. If you feel that she is taking advantage of you, legitimately that is, then don’t let her stay with you. Make your own boundaries. But I don’t think recreating the parent/child relationship you had when she was younger is in either of your best interests. This is an unhealthy level of anxiety you are experiencing, but it’s not her problem. You need to address this on your end of things. She’s an adult. Let her be one.
Ugh…give her some space, already! Why wouldn’t she be just fine? Why are you so worried? She is a grown woman. Why aren’t you proud of her? Happy that your daughter is a confident woman who travels to a new cities and experiences the world? She’s employed and responsible. Learn to enjoy this vibrant young woman in your life…rather than smothering her with your needless fretting.
To her, she probably hears that you don’t think she can handle herself, take care of herself, manage herself…why else would you be so worried? And it must drive her nuts. Give her some space and start respecting her boundaries. Put down your phone. You need to stop texting and working yourself into useless tizzies. I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but you really need to redirect this “worry” into something productive. Volunteer. Join a book club. Get connected - and give your daughter some breathing room. Maybe once you’ve developed your own life, you’ll be able to appreciate and enjoy the wonderful woman your daughter has grown into.
I strongly recommend counseling. It will help you find ways to manage and reduce your anxiety, and start having fun with your daughter, again. (and once that starts, I bet she’ll be calling and “checking in” a lot more - but you’ve got to do the work on yourself, first)
Good luck!
I truly wish you the best.
Watch a movie.
It’ll get your mind off of things.
We just watched Guilt Trip. Very funny!
Stop expecting her to keep you up to date with her life. And, STOP criticizing her. When you tell her she’s rude she will only withdraw more. Even if you don’t use the word rude, your attitude will come thru as demanding and judgmental.
If you want her to be more involved with you, you have to back off and accept her and what she does as the way it is. Her not calling has nothing to do with respecting or liking you. She is an adult with her own life and needs to know that you accept that. When you continue to berate her and express your hurt and anger, I would expect that she would not call, text, or in any way get in touch with you. I’m 70 years old and I wouldn’t continue to be a friend of anyone who treated me the way you’re treating her.
You are being rude and disrespectful of her. You say you know she needs space and then you don’t give her space. I don’t understand why you don’t see the unreasonableness of your attitude.
If I were her friend, I would suggest to her that she not spend the month of June with you. I would suggest that she not contact you until you were willing to acknowledge that she is an adult with her own needs.
She is not responsible for making you happy. Have you even tried to hang back and give her space? Like, not called or texted for a week? I suggest that if you could allow her to not hear from you for the week she’s in San Francisco, you would’ve taken a big step in patching it up with her.
I urge you to get counseling so that you can learn to deal with your anxiety and your issues without trying to change your daughter. She is 28, good heavens!
No one can change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. If you want to have a good relationship with your daughter you need to stop expecting her to keep in contact with you.
I was recently reminded of the saying that goes; when you point one finger at someone else there are three fingers pointing back at you. Focus on your feelings and how to deal with them without expecting your daughter to take care of you. She’s having enough difficulty taking care of herself. You have to let go or you will continue with this hurtful and angry relationship with her.
You said you know you shouldn’t have contacted her. So why did you? You are also an adult and should be able by now to control what you do. You know you shouldn’t do something, then don’t do it. That’s a good beginning to changing this relationship.
It’s a slap in your face and a kick in your stomach because she doesn’t do as you ask; doesn’t acknowledge your feelings and try to be kind to you. So, you aren’t doing as she asks and you’re definitely not being kind to her. I’m guessing she feels the same way you do.
Find a way to take care of yourself and let her take care of herself. Get a life separate from her.
After your SWH: Yes, you need to stop telling her this bothers you. She knows. Hasn’t she told you the way you’re acting bothers her? Why do you expect her to take care of your feelings when you’re not taking care of hers? Each person has to take care of their own feelings.
The two of you are in a toxic relationship. I strongly believe that you both need to take a break from each other until both of you heal and can start over.
I have four adult children. When they to away, even with their families, yes they do call!!! They check in to say hi and let us know all is all. This is the way they were raised.
There is no reason why your daughter just can’t text a word or two, I’m fine! I don’t get her. I guess you just have to accept that she is disrespectful. She probably won’t change I am sorry to say. As mothers, we do worry and it is just nice to know all is well when they are somewhere. It’s not like she has to find a pay phone, get change and call. Maybe one day when she has kids, she will get it.
I hope you start listening to people telling you to stop trying to control your daughter. If you don’t, you are going to lose her. She is trying SO hard to establish boundaries with you, and you won’t let her.
You have let her know, ad nauseum, what bothers you. She knows. You keep beating her over the head with it. Stop talking to her about it at all. Stop telling her that she is rude for not acknowledging you.
If you weren’t her mother and you were doing this, she would consider you to be a stalker and she’d probably ask a judge to tell you to stay away from her. You need to think about the way you treat her as a PERSON rather than a mom and change the way you act.
Please go to a counselor. You really need a counselor.
I Understand Wanting To Stay Connected HoweveR An Adult Child Should Be Able To Be Away From Mommy For 2 Weeks Without Reporting In Like A 16 Year Old. She Knows U Love Her, You Should Know She Loves You. Now Find Activities, Job, Volunteer, Make Friends, Go To Church…Become Busy Living Your Life, Finding A Personal Joy. Give Her A ChaNce To Miss you.
Sorry mom, she is rude but you need to back off. You can only change your reaction to this, not her behavior.
Good grief… she is 28 years old! Let her grow up!
Find your own life…
I think it is important for your to realize you are responsible for your feelings. It is not your daughter’s responsibility to ease your worry and fulfill your need for control. I urge you to work on this problem YOU have. If you don’t, I promise, you will ruin any chance you have of being close with your ADULT daughter.
It sounds like this is an ongoing issue for you. As adults we have the choice to work on problems we recognize in our own lives. We cant control others, but we can control ourselves. That is pretty empowering if you think about it. You have the ability right now to start making changes that will benefit you and your future happiness.
At 28, your daughter is not all about you, your worries and concerns.
Yes, you will always be a parent BUT your days of actively parenting are so OVER.
Your behavior goes way beyond wanting to be ‘simply acknowledged’.
You are demanding she make YOU the center of her life and you are hurt when she doesn’t - and she’s not wrong or bad for ‘treating you this way’.
It’s ok to send a note to her saying that you love her.
It’s NOT ok to include ‘send me a quick note’ because you can’t stop yourself from the ‘send me a quick note’ every time you think about her.
You have a boundary issue in that YOU DON’T HAVE ONE where your daughter is concerned and you are not honoring the boundary she needs.
For your daughters own good, and your own and your relationship - cut it out already!
Get some counseling, or group therapy or what ever it takes for you to quit obsessing over your daughter.
You are all ME ME ME - ‘MY concerns’, ‘MY worries’, ‘MY hurt feelings’ and you are pushing your daughter further and further away - because she feels like you are smothering her with your self centered behavior.
The only one slapping you in the face and kicking you in the stomach is YOU - it’s self inflicted.
Seriously - you need to get out more.
You need to reconnect with yourself - who were you before you became pregnant?
What did you like, what filled your days?
Find some friends your own age, hobbies, travel, take a cruise, get a job (or a boyfriend if your husband is not in the picture) that interests you and keeps you so busy that you don’t have time to be calling/texting your daughter more than once every month.
If you give her a chance to miss you, THEN she’ll call you.
You need to work on this much harder than you have so far - and not WITH your daughter - with a therapist.
You need a major wake up call and you are just not getting it.
Please - for your own sake - get involved with other people and leave your daughter alone.
You can be happy again but it’s going to take a lot of hard work on your part.
I agree with those who posted that some counseling could help you figure out why you are so anxious about her – and I suggest that you sit down and think about whether you are anxious and insecure in other areas of your life. You might find that you are insecure about other things, as well as your child, her safety, and your relationship with her. Your urgent and constant need to know exactly where she is and if she’s OK may be part of a much larger anxiety issue – get some good therapy, now and not later, so you can enjoy your life more.
Clearly, there’s a lot of friction between you and your daughter that isn’t even about your calls etc., but meanwhile, on that one topic, ., you do not ever mention if you and your daughter did what I would hope most grown-ups would do: Talk and agree on a middle ground here. How often are you calling and texting? I’m betting that she thinks it’s far too often, so why not talk like adults and come to an agreement: You will call or text (not both, only one or the other) X times per day/week and she will respond each time. If you can tell her “I promise I will only text you, not call, and only on Monday and Thursday,” and you can stick to that exactly – she may be more likely to respond. Then she needs to be willing to say, “If you will only text me on Monday and Thursday, only once each day, and not call, I promise to respond to those texts on the same day – though not instantly.”
I don’t see why two adults can’t come up with something that simple. You agree on how you will contact her and when, keeping it very limited, and she agrees that she will respond to those contacts but she is not obliged to reply to any contacts beyond those.
It sounds as if she is indeed very angry with you and not replying in order to show you that she believes you contact her too much, and it sounds as if you do indeed contact her too often when she’s away. She and you both are in the wrong here; she should have some consideration for your anxiety but you should not bombard her with calls or texts.
If you can hold off of the contact, she might become likelier to care about having you contact her. Meanwhile, please see a counselor or therapist. Sometimes it takes a neutral third party to help us see these kinds of situations in perspective.
I get that your intentions are good and you love your daughter… you say she is rude and not respecting your wishes. Look at it from her side, you are actually the one being rude, not respecting healthy boundaries that she is trying to set. You really need to control yourself before you push her away altogether, you’ve gotta be wearing her out. Please look into some counseling and find some activities to distract yourself.
I guess I’m going against the grain here but I really don’t think age of your daughter is an excuse for rudeness or lack of common courtesy. You’re not asking her to write you a book or talk for hours. Just a simple “I’m doing fine, chat at ya soon.” would suffice. No matter how old your children are they are still your children and you still worry about them if you haven’t heard from them and they are not returning calls or text.
We moved my father in with us shortly after my Mom passed away. I knew he was a worrier so if I was going to be late coming home from work or anything out of the normal routine was occurring, I always called him to tell him so he wouldn’t worry. It’s just common courtesy and respect.
Yes, she is a grown up but she is still and always will be your child.
Peace and Blessings,
Theresa B
Ok Jean, you have obviously not listened when some of us have tried to give you nice, polite responses, so here goes.
Good grief, she is 28 years old! She does not have to check in with you every time she breathes. YOU are driving her crazy and pushing her away. She is a grown woman and should not have to stop what she is doing to text you back every time YOU get your panties in a wad and feel insecure. It is not the time to text back…it is the principle of the matter…she should NOT have to hold your hand like this.
You are trying to TELL her what she has to do and she clearly resents it. You are right, she probably doesn’t like you much BECAUSE YOU ARE STIFLING HER! She loves you as her Mother, but probably doesn’t want to deal with you being so unreasonable.
She texted you and let you know that she arrived in SF. How much do you really expect her to contact you? You said that she had meetings to attend. She is living her life. And why in the hell would you really NEED to call the hotel to check on a grown woman? This is absurd.
You seriously need help. You are going to lose all contact with your daughter if you keep up this behavior.
She’s 28? I’m sure she can handle herself. I have a daughter who is that age and I cannot imagine expecting her to let me know what she’s up to when she’s on a business trip. She is not responding because you are suffocating her. I think you need to get out and find things to keep yourself busy. Join something, make some new friends, get involved. Live your life and let her life hers and she will call you more often. Good Luck!
My god in heaven! Please get therapy! You are driving your daughter away! She is trying to come back to you but every time she does you smother her and drive her away again!
‘Her’ behavior is normal, ‘your’ behavior is not.
I am adding hoping maybe you will see this. She drove with you and is staying with you. That is her trying to reconnect but with boundaries against your smothering. Then you pick a fight about how needy you are on the way out so she is at a friends, building strength to deal with your neediness for the rest of her stay.
No child should have to build up strength to deal with their parent!
I know this pattern well because my children have to do it with their father. They love him and want to spend time with him but he is so needy they are not strong enough to deal with it long term.
My mother was also like you and I can assure you our relationship has vastly improved since she passed away. 
Don’t be my mother! Don’t waste your whole life driving your daughter away from you!
It is not rude to ignore someone who is rudely calling and messaging you all the time! Every message you send, every call you make you are saying I don’t trust you. I don’t think you are competent, I don’t think you can make it on your own so I must protect you!
Stop being so dang self centered always thinking about how she makes you feel and think about how you make her feel!
“She has disowned my brother who has mental illness, and I guess that is okay. He has rage issues, and I do not have much of a relationship with him either.”
That is from your mother’s day post. How can you not see mental illness is genetic. Your mom, your brother, and you. At least your brother accepts his illness.