Hello Moms!! I am so emotional about this situation that I need advice on what to do. My daughter is 7 years old, 4'7" and 73 lbs. she is tall and solid, NOT fat!! A little girl in her class said to her "My mom thinks you are fat" my daughter replied with "well, I am not worried about what your mom thinks, I only care about what God thinks" I am so proud of her for the way she handled it, however, it won't always be that way I am sure. I do not want her to have a bad body image at all, she is beautiful and although not small, not fat either. If anything she has a very athletic body style. I don't know if I should approach this mother or not. I don't want to say anything I don't mean out of anger for her ignorance. I spoke to her teacher and she said that she has had problems with this family before and she is going to talk with the mom and read a few books to her class about how everyone should love eachother and that even though we may look different, we are all the same on the inside! What would you do? My biggest concern is the future, I don't want my daughter to be so caught up in her appearance that she ends up with an eating disorder. I am trying to teach my children to be kind and say kind things to people and so far it has worked! Any advice that you have would be great!! Should I leave it alone and only help my daughter understand that even adults make bad choices or should I approach this mom??
Thanks for any insight that you might have!!
Wendy
Your daughter is a wise and confident girl... and mature to have had that reply to that nasty comment. I would be proud of her.
You are doing the right thing. I would have done the same.
My girl is tall too for her age, and bigger than most kids in her class. Not fat, just bigger and solid. She is just 5 years old and is confident and mature as well, and she "knows" when someone is being mean... we always teach her to be her own self and be proud, to always do the right thing and not have to do what all the other kids are doing. She's does, and we are proud of her. She can think on her own, and will even help other kids that are left out or ignored... she will tell the teacher if there is trouble with a child or if another child is being mean. Teaching a child, how to "problem solve" and how to go to a teacher or adult for help is VERY important. For a child to "see" that their parent supports them is invaluable... this teaches them that each person can make a difference in the world....and there are CONSTRUCTIVE ways to go about it, without being "mean." I don't mean "babying" them... I mean teaching them how to navigate themselves in situations that are "yucky" and not pleasant. There will be LOTS of these kinds of situations... but keep teaching your girl positive ways of managing. Which you already seem to do a good job about. We can't be joined at the hip with them....but we can teach them how to be self-reliant and how to stand up for themselves, wisely and properly. Teach a child how to speak out... how to speak up...to not be afraid.
One time, a classmate told my girl "we have blond hair, you don't, you can't play with us..." So, my girl told her "everyone is different and we are the same inside. That wasn't nice to say." Then, my girl turned around and went to play with someone else who was "nicer." My girl was not sad about it.. she knew that girl was mean. It taught her that some kids are just that way. Then my girl said... "she must learn that from her parents...." WHOA! See, youngsters learn very quickly. She was not parroting us...this was her "own" thought about it. How wise our children can be. Encourage these moments...for it will last them a lifetime.
My daughter's teacher did the same thing with the children as your daughter's teacher is doing, after I spoke to her about this child and what she told my girl, the teacher spoke to the children and they did lessons about proper behavior. The teacher also talked to that girl's parents... this girl had caused problems before. The interesting thing is... the teacher said "I can see this girl becoming a bully in the future...it has to be dealt with now." And yes, this girl had picked on other children in the past. Let your teacher deal with handling the Parents of this child...if it continues, then speak to your Teacher again, and see how it can be dealt with.
Teaching our girls how to be inwardly confident is an ongoing lesson... do it now, so that in the pre-teen and teen years they will not "need" to go looking for external validation all the time in other friends, or in boys to satisfy their lack of self etc. Sure they have phases we can't avoid...but we can teach them. That is what a Parent is. A child, no matter how old, must know and learn that their Parent will always be there for them, for love and support no matter what...and not judge them. If they know they can tell us anything, and communicate with us, and trust us too... you will engender a close relationship and nurturing. This is what was taught to me... and I teach to my children. Appearance is something girls will always fiddle with...like grown women....but it's how we feel about ourselves and what role model a child sees. Your girl seems to have a good sense of self, keep nurturing that.
Take care and good luck,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo
what i would do is approach the childs mother. ask her why she would say that about your child and what example is she setting for her child. tell her that she needs to be more appropiate in her comments. so your child is a bigger girl who cares. yes i agree your daughter handled it wonderfully! shes truely a smart girl good for her!
You're doing fine and it seems your little angel is far beyond her years in maturity. We look around sometimes and take for granted everyone is born with common sense and then things like this happen and you know we all still need JESUS! I am not worried about your daughter and I'm almost beside myself when I think about what a horrid lifestyle that other family must be living.
You are very blessed with beautiful healthy intelligent children BLESS YOUR HEARTS!
By the way, personally if I approached the mother I would definitely have the police on stand by to protect her from me, but that's just me......LET IT GO AND HUG YOUR CHILDREN!
your daughter seems very confident and proud of her body, and that's a good thing.
i would definitely have a conversation with her (because the incident seems like a good segway) to speak about body issues in general, and please do let her know that sometimes people period (not just adults) do & say the wrong things.
i wouldn't bring it up to the parent unless you want some drama. bring it up only if it becomes a habit or occurs often.
hope that helps.
rah
I'd let the teacher deal with it. I love your daughter's come back. I wouldn't talk to the other mom because she may get mad at you and tell her daughter to take it out on your daughter. Don't obsess about it because your daughter may sense that from you. Unless your daughter brings it up again, i'd let it go.
At this point I would say let the teacher take care of it since she offered to do such a nice thing for you. Just see where it leads. If it happens again then I confront the mom. You don't want to gang up on this other mom, she may become rather hostle about it. I love how your daughter handle the situation, very mature!
Sorry, as a teacher I would stay far away from the mom. If she was so poor mannered to say that, than she is not going to have the manners to listen to you. There is always that possibility the mom didn't say it, and the other child just made it up. I know it hurts either which way. It evens hurts me when i hear, "My mom thinks your ______." Good luck and feel good that you are raising your daughter right.
I think I'm more worried about the little girl who said that to your daughter than I am for your daughter. You have obviously already set a wonderful example whereas her parents have not. I echo the other writers who have stated that this is best handled by the teacher. I would be equally furious and protective, but because your daughter handled this so well, I would continue modeling positive and self assured behavior.
Jen
Hello Wendy,
You can't always curtail the actions or words of others but you can be effective in promoting your daughter emotional and physical development, which based on your daughter response to the other child, you are already doing a good job.
Children can be cruel and children will fight, argue and be back at the lunch table eating together like nothing ever happened. Your daughter already handled the situation by not allowing the other child to make her feel bad about herself and she was able to communicate that to the child in an appropriate manner.
The other childs mother may or may not have said that your child is fat, but what if she did?, do you think it would resolve anything by confronting her about it? or would it cause more harm? Remember it can go either way.
I would continue to parent your daughter the way you have been and just be there to listen to her pains, joys and whatever is going on with her. Unless your daughter is being bullied or feels unsafe then and only then would I say something to the parent. I think you addressed it well by telling her teacher. Let this one go. Pick your fights carefully, this one is not worth it.
Take care. And tell your daughter that I think she did an awesome job in how she handled her classmates mean statement!! You go girl!
Melanie
Tell her the truth...that some people have low self-esteem and mental illness. That they "act out" in ways to hurt people because they were probably hurt as a child and haven't recovered. Maybe they never will. That it's not her job to "fix" these people. (Unsolicited advice is an act of hostility.) Pray for them and stay away from them. It's not being judgmental to stay away from them because if you allow yourself to be abused, in an effort to be accepting or non-judgmental, then that is the same as abusing another person. It's not to be tolerated. If your daughter wants to use a few one liners to even the playing field, that's OK too. She had a great comeback, but it might have just rolled off a child who has been taught to be catty. Something direct like, "Try not to feel bad about your mom having bad manners and not being smart. Not everyone can have a smart mom like mine. And dont worry, we're praying for her too." "I'm not surprsied your mom would say that. I heard the other moms talking about how tacky she is." "I guess that's why the teachers said your mom needed to find a self-help section."
As mothers we want to protect our children, and rightly so, but the world we live in is not always kind or fair. It sounds as if you are doing a good job teaching your children what is important. Ultimately you must decide if this needs to be pursued, but if you always jump in to intervene than they can't learn to apply the good teaching that you have given them and the self confidence they have when things are not fair or kind, it may be a big shock to them later on.
I might use this as an opportunity to teach that sometimes people say unkind or hurtful things, but that we continue to be kind in return.
Dear Wendy,
Nothing hurts more than when children/parents are mean! Let the teacher take care of things for now. If the parents have been a problem it might be better if you don't tangle with them.
Your daughter sounds like she can handle herself very well. Try not to make a big issue out of it with your daughter by over reacting-rather use this as a tool to boost your daughter's esteem- You could tell your daughter the other girl must feel insecure about herself and that's why she says mean things about other people and aren't we lucky we aren't that way- how sad for them! Take your little mama out shopping for a new outfit or buy her a bracelet so she'll remember when she is at school how special, smart and beautiful she is!
Dear Wendy,
I think you taught your daughter well, she said it beautifully, she only cares what God thinks and as far as I know he only cares that your a good human being and a good christian!! I also think that your daughter will be fine, my daughter who is now 16, use to be "solid" and lost it as soon as she got to Middle School when she had to do PE and as soon as she hit High School, well let say she watches what she eats cause "boys" are watching!! But still she is a size 9 and she is about 5'3 so she is not exactly skinny minnie but she is very comfortable with herself!! Your daughter sounds confident at 7 and your doing a good job, I work with elementary kids all day long and some parents just don't have any common sense!! You'll never be able to stop people from saying mean and ugly things (and in elementary the kids can be so cruel) what you can do is let your daughter know how special she is and when you say it often enough, it will stick!! You have nothing to worry about!! Good Luck!! Vanessa
Chill Wendy!! I know our first instinct is to defend our kids and try to protect them from emotional pain, but I think you are overreacting. Your info is second hand from the classmate. You don't know what the mom actually said. You are taking the word of a 7 yr old who may have attributed the remark to her mom to be mean and hurtful to your daughter. My mom would never get involved in our kids quarrels. I resented it at the time, but now I'm glad. Remarks from other kids always blew over and we usually ended up friends and I learned to stand up for myself. You clearly have a wonderful daughter who has a solid sense of values and self worth. If you continue to make a huge deal of this she will begin to wonder if the reason is that she really is fat and unattractive. She handled it admirably. Tell her so and be proud and let it go.
Mary Helen
Hi Wendy,
Let me start by saying that based on your daughter's handling of the situation, you must be doing a great job with her. This really is about raising our kids to be confident in themselves, and to understand that people are not perfect, and as such, there will be others who don't act in alignment with our values or choices. To be honest, my perception is that your strong emotional reaction is telling of an insecurity that you may have about your daughter's size. My suggestions would be to take a look at that, as our stuff ends up getting projected on to others and picked up by our kids. To go a little further with the whole body image idea, it might be more helpful to focus on how to handle the indiscretions of others, rather than defending your daughter's size and whether or not she is or isn't fat. The point here is that the comment from the other girl was inappropriate and ignorant. That stuff happens. I think the greatest lesson here is in how to deal with the words and deeds of others - like staying calm, not buying into what other people say, being grounded in the knowingness of who she is, and not letting anyone else dictate her worthiness, self-esteem, etc.
When one is grounded in regard to self esteem, then comments like that will roll off more easily and be a non issue, and it will diminish the need to defend oneself. Feeling the need to defend can imply that on some level we have bought into what was said. Look at it this way: If someone told you that your hair was green, how would you respond? You'd probably laugh a little, and then ignore the whole comment and move on. Why? Because you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that your hair is not green, and as such, their comment means nothing to you. The comment is not a reflection of you or your hair, but rather a reflection of something about the person who said it.
Again, it sounds like you're doing a great job with your daughter. In a perfect world everyone would be more conscious about their comments to one another. But then again, if everything always went smoothly, we wouldn't have the opportunity to learn the lessons that serve us throughout our lives. Maybe this person has just done a great service to your daughter in helping this issue to come up, so that at an early age she can get the lesson about believing in herself and not buying into what others think. That sounds like a great gift to me! And there you are to help her through it! You're doing great.
So not cool, that is just not acceptable at all. And yes it may be 2nd hand but some parents tell their kids some messed up stuff so you do never know for sure which is why it needs to be addressed because that is not approiate if the parent did say that.
I would say something to the principal about it and ask what you should do because that is not acceptable!
Tell your daughter I said go girl and you are doing a great job.
Dont approach the parent, unless you know them. That is looking for a fight speak with the teacher at the least if not the principal. Then speak with them, maybe in a meeting.
Your not over reacting either. Weight is a big problem with girls, and for a parent to possibly be teaching their kid this stuff could lead to major issues. I personally dealt with bilemia & anorexia in my teens and as an adult its hard, but I got it from people who said I was too fat and no one did anything about it.
Leave it alone. Stupid people say stupid things. Your daughter handled herself beautifully. Keep teaching her to love herself no matter what people say or think. I also have a daughter that is solid and 95% in weight and height. She is a big girl but by know means fat. She is 11 and starting to be very body conscious. I teach her to be healthy above all else.
Dear Wendy,
I can understand why you are so upset - nothing is more painful to a parent, then to see their children hurting. My heart goes out to you.
You can take comfort, though, in the fact that you have a mature, level-headed daughter. What a wonderful example you & your husand must be setting for her to handle that situation so well!! And I'm sure that God was looking down & smiling at her response, as well. :) It is our hearts & character that God looks at - your daughter sounds absolutely BEAUTIFUL to me.
I think you handled the situation perfectly, and don't need to take it any further. The teacher will be talking with the other child's parent(s), and addressing it in the classroom.
Confronting someone with that kind of attitude & ignorance won't accomplish anything.
If you really want to do something directly regarding this parent, pray for their family. Ask God to forgive them & show them a better way. God loves it when we turn to Him when we are in conflict instead of trying to handle it ourselves.
Blessing to you and your family, Wendy!
Hi Wendy,
Someone called my son fat and he stopped eating and dropped 5 pounds. He is still very wary at the dinner table and all four of my kids are beanpoles. None of them have ever been fat. Words hurt and go deep and stay with you. It takes 1 unkind remark and about 15 kind remarks to even begin to balance out the unkind word in our brains and then it is still always there. Continue building up your daughter. You and God are her cheer leaders in life. My dad is my cheer leader that is always encouraging me and I am 44.Phillipians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me. So rely on Jesus to carry her through this. Have her and you start praying for this verbally unkind lady and watch God change her. Also it is o.k. to let her know that her words are being hurtful. She may be clueless and need some input from someone else so she doesn't verbally hurt others. Denise