Let him ignore the baby. He’s sulking and the more you try to pull him out iof it, the more he’s going to dig in his heels. You acn’t MAKE siblings be close to one another. It either happens or it doesn’t. But THEY will decide how close they are going to be as time goes by.
Continue to do things with just him. And continue to do things as a family. But if he doesn’t wnat to “help” with the baby, don’t force it. Don’t try to make him cuddle or play with the baby. Lil Bro isn’t HIS baby, he’s yours and Dad’s.
When my ex and I got together, his youngest, who had been the baby of the family for five years, was jealous of my toddler at first.
When we got engaged, she told us in no uncertain terms that if we decided to have another baby, she would have nothing more to do with us. We had no plans to procreate, and her stance would not have changed our minds if we had wanted one, but she let us know how she felt.
He feels what he feels. Feelings don’t have to be justified. As long as his acting on his feelings does not cause harm to the baby, let him process them in his own way.
First, you are not a failure. If you were a failure, you would not care to be looking into this and trying to resolve issues.
I think you need to back off of forcing your older to “love and adore” your new baby. You cannot force a relationship. Let your 7 yr old be a 7 yr old and if that means ignoring the baby and not helping, that is ok. Just don’t force it. It is not a given that sibling will like each other down the road.
Your baby probably does recognize “his people” but you can’t say with affirmation that the baby adores and loves the older brother at this point. Recognize him, yes.
Have you spent any time alone with your older boy? Special things to do, go, see. Same for hubby, has he been spending time with the older son?You need special alone time AWAY from everyone just you and just dad with the older child.
Think about it… he was your only for 7 years and his world has been turned upside down. He does have major adjustments to make but it takes time.
I am the oldest of 2 by 6 years. My brother and I never got along as kids and we are civil with each other now but I would swear we have different parents because we are as different as night and day. Yes, I said civil but we don’t like each other. I limit any time I spend with him because he disgusts me.
I do believe it takes time, you, hubby and anyone else forcing the issue will make it worse. Let things play the course. Your older one is not hurting the baby, that is good…If your older one were to hurt the baby, then I would suggest counseling. Give him time to be himself and come to terms on his own.
My 2nd daughter was 3.5 yrs old when my twins were born. She ignored them totally. In fact she drew a picture of her family in preschool that was her, her sister, and her parents. The teachers had no idea there were newborns at home. When asked why she didn’t draw them she replied ‘because I really don’t like them’. Once they were 2 yrs old she started to include them in her games and now that everyone is adults they are all close.
You son doesn’t have to like his brother. It wasn’t his idea to have another child in the household and quite honestly he liked things the way they were. He doesn’t want to play with the baby. Really that’s your job not his. He doesn’t interact because a 7 yr old has nothing in common with a 6 month old.
Don’t push their relationship. Whatever it turns out to be will happen. As long as everyone is loved and cared for it’ll turn out just fine.
This isn’t a great comparison, but similar in a way. We have a lovely dog and one of my children loves feeding, loving, helping her and the other child is completely indifferent. I have to remind him to pet her every now and then. He’s just not that into animals and that’s okay. Some kids are gaga over babies and some aren’t. I’d let it go and probably give the oldest most of my attention whenever possible. His little world was turned upside down and it would take a tremendous amount of patience on his part to get through this transition. I’m also sure that it’s hard on you as you probably expected him to show a little more interest and less jealousy. His feelings are valid though and maybe a discussion about envy and jealousy would be a good idea. Maybe you can all sit down and think of things that will make him feel better…things you can do together as a family, things he wants to do one-on-one with you, ways to organize your days so he’s feeling more positive. He’s probably feeling a lack of control as well, so having him help with ideas would be good. And then as others have mentioned, he’ll probably be more interested when the little guy is moving around more.
You seriously need to back off on your son. He needs time with just his parents, not with the baby. That means that some ‘family’ times will need to be centered around him, and some around the baby. I mean, how can the baby participate in any sort of ‘family time’ your son would enjoy?
I remember being eight when my mom had my younger brother. I had a sister who was six at the time. My mom had the same hopes that you did and I was made to feel bad for not helping with certain things, which was dumb, because my parents chose to have the baby, I didn’t.
If you are a good parent, having another child was not a ‘family decision’. Even if parents ‘think’ their kids want a sibling, children have NO idea what comes with infants and toddlers and it’s not fair to expect them to do what we feel is right.
Think about it… two parents are now far less available. They expect him to do things that seven year old boys aren’t usually excited about in general. (I know very, very few boys at this age who would be happy to pick out baby clothes to play with or select baby friendly activities.) He needs to be able to have fun with kids his own age. He needs you to find a mother’s helper to hold baby for a little while so he has time with you that is centered around him and not his new sibling.
Six months is a very short time to successfully make a huge adjustment. We can talk up the new baby, but that may also backfire-- some kids just find it to be too much ‘in your face’ to be helpful. Older sibs want to see you as excited about them as much as you are about baby’s milestones.
So, my advice is this— let your son have his authentic feelings for a while. If he’s ignoring the baby, it’s okay. It’s not his baby to worry about. At least he’s not hurting the baby-- and that’s a point I would say “get professional help”. But it’s not there. Stop trying to make him be interested in something he isn’t. Consider-- at age seven or eight, I really couldn’t have cared less about a baby or doing ‘baby centered’ things. I did want my mom back, because she was always doing housework or holding my brother or something like that. I wouldn’t have been happy to be forced to play with any sort of younger child. Just not my interest at that time. That’s being realistic.
Let your son know he’s okay if he’s not interested in the baby. There’s no law that says he has to be. Don’t make him feel bad for it. Remember, too, that you are projecting a LOT onto your baby as well. Babies can ogle someone adoringly but it doesn’t mean they will be devastated if that person ignores them. Your baby is not sitting there thinking ‘brother didn’t get my clothes, brother doesn’t like me’. Baby is still needing YOU, primarily, and really, nothing more. Don’t put those needs and expectations on your oldest.
I’m 32 and still want nothing to do with babies. I am not a baby person, never have been. I never baby sat as a teenager, I never saw young kids and thought “oh so cute, must play with them”. Even after I visit a friend who recently gave birth, I have no desire to hold the baby. It’s a personality thing. My oldest (9 year old boy) loves babies. He’ll play with them, make face at them, change diapers, etc. My next oldest (8 year old boy) is not interested in babies and never has been. He ignored his two younger siblings until they became old enough to be play mates.
I’d be happy he’s just ignoring. My brother and I were awful to one another. I mean, bats, scissors, glass windows, etc (use your imagination). We are very close now, but when we were younger we both wished we were only children (my poor mother!). As long as it’s not physical like that, then it’s fine. It’s perfectly fine if your child isn’t all about babies.
This summer is probably hard on you because you have two boys of various ages. One needs you more in one way than the other but they both need you.
Plan time to spend with the older one without the little one nearby. Have dad take care of the little one and go on a date with the older one. Then switch so dad has the older one alone. Then get a sitter and have a special time of the three of you without the baby for a few hours and enjoy each other.
Forcing a child to like another does not work. Siblings are siblings and they are separate individuals who happen to live in the same home and they may or may not like each other as others have posted. Just let things go at their own pace.
You are not a failure. You are also adjusting to having two people in the home that are dependent upon you for their well being. It will come but it also takes time to find your groove. Trust me I have been there and so have so many others.
Keep us posted on your progress. A big high five to you for what you have done.
the other Suzanne
PS Six months is a short time in your older son’s life for this change. Give him another year for adjustment.
Please read the book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.”
You already have some great advice here, so I’m not going to repeat it. I just wanted to add that it isn’t your 7 year old who needs to adjust, it’s your expectations.
Wow!! I really appreciate everyone’s input. I will say that maybe I came across as a smothering parent. I’m really not. People often comment on how laid back I am. I don’t expect them to be best friends now. Or even 20 years down the road if that’s the way it’s to be. I just don’t want him to pretend baby doesn’t exist. I’ve had first hand experience in this. Yet I was the younger, by 8 years. My sister to this day still apologizes to me for the way she treated me. I don’t want my eldest to have these feeling. But they’re boys so yeah, they won’t be as emotional as us ladies, haha.
I will take the below advice and back off a bit. Just try more individualized time with me and the oldest. My expectations may be a bit high for the lil guy.
And as for the adoring of the older by the younger. I disagree. By this age a 6 month old recognizes his people. And I can’t help but notice that he lights up quite a bit more when the oldest is in the room. Maybe adore was to strong of a word.
Thank you again to everyone. Your advice is most appreciated. Have a beautiful day!