Dear Tiphanie
My husband and I have raised or are raising 4 boys, (3 our own all now teens) and my nephew (21) and a daughter (12). All of them have been different. Having read over what you've said, from my gut I'd say your daughter probably has asperger's syndrome. Its an autism spectrum disorder.However, there may also be a lack of self control/temper issue that needs to be dealt with.
All kids have temper tantrums and what you do with them now will determine whether you can handle them later. First of all, my husband is 6'2" and I'm 5'10", so we're big people. consequently our children are also big and at 2 years old our second son was 40 some pounds and a little brute.Our first boy was passive and compliant (not always obedient but compliant). With him, if he threw himself on the floor and rages we'd pick him up to take him to his room and by the time we got there he'd be happy and kissing me and tugging on my ears...totally unaware that he'd been mad a moment before.So we ended up just giving him a good swat on the diaper when he had a tantrum and that was enough to shock him out of it and he was over it. Our second boy was another story. He'd rage for hours over something small like dropping a toy or stubbing his toe. He had these raging tantrums and we didn't know what to do. So, being relatively smart, we asked friends of ours who had SEVEN boys...can you believe it? And they said they had 3 ways of dealing with temper. 1. spank, 2. isolate, and 3. hold. Well Our son raged so hard he wouldn't have felt a spanking so that was out. So, we tried isolating him in his crib with no toys. He quieted down pretty quickly but when I went in to get him he was cowering in the corner of the crib and shaking like a little refugee that'd been beaten. This scared me a lot and I thought maybe the psychological damage wouldn't be good for him. So we were on to the third option. Our friends had said to pick them up quickly, put them on your lap facing you with arms under your arms and legs around you so them couldn't kick or hit and tuck over so they're basically immobilized. So next tantrum we tried it. He raged (but totally immobilized) for 45 minutes. Then fell asleep and that was that. It was about a month later that he had another tantrum and I was the only one home (and had a 3 year old, a new born and was 4 months pregnant). I took all the kids in one bedroom with me, shut the door meanwhile he's still kicking and screaming, and sat on the floor and held him. He went on for an hour and a half! We both fell asleep by the time he quit. I kept thinking I hope this is it cuz I can't do this again. I can't imagine how out of control and destructive he'll be at 18! Our friends with the 7 boys said they had to do this 4 times with one of theirs, but the other 6 were much easier...this gave me hope and a deadline. Sure enough 2 months later he had another tantrum. My husband was home, took all the other kids and I held this little monster for a 2 hour tantrum. I was so wiped out I was ready to give up. BUT....he's now 16 years old and has never had another ballistic, out of control tantrum like he did at two years old! It took a LOT of time and attention, but we are so thankful we did it. Of course I'd be lying if I didn't say that I asked God to give me the patience, love and serenity to handle this wild little thing He'd given me! I couldn't have done it otherwise! I hope this helps and I wish you the best. Let me know if you try any of these if they'll work. Our motto was its better to train them right the first time, than have to retrain big kids later...and this son of mine still has a hot temper, but now he goes biking or chops wood or shovels snow or something constructive to burn it off. What a blessing that I didn't give up early. I'll be praying for you. Kimberly
I agree with you, this is not normal and if she is hurting herself that bad something is definately wrong. My daughter was a cutter and she started at age 7. Please look into councilling for her before it is too late. My daughters father was also in denial until one day he came to pick her up and witnessed what I went through with her several times a day. She is hurting and if you don't find her reason why it will get worse. Good luck and please seek out some help before its too late. You are an extremely good mother for seeing this and not turning away but looking for answers. My prayers are with you and your family.
Richard, I understand where you are coming from when you say no one voicing their opinion here is really qualified to say what is wronge with your daughter, however they do all have some experiance that gives them insite into what might be normal or not. They are not trying to dignos your daughter, just saying that this is exterem behavoir and you might want to think about it being caused by several different conditions. The point is that your daughter has a problem, and wheather that is caused by a sensory over load, a medical condition, or behavioral conditioning like spoiling and giving in, you need to do something about it or it will get worse. And there is nothing wronge with getting help, even if it is just to get you and your wife the trianing you need to deal with it properly.
I agree totally that you both need to be on the same paige and working together on this. And even if the behavoir is being caused by a medical condition that does not mean that you give into the tantrums or spoil her to avoid them. No matter what that behavior is not acceptable and should not be rewarded. But with help you can get to the root of the problem and deal with it apporperatly even it is only that she needs a lot of positive reinforcement. Parenting is always hard and difficult for everyone, and we all go through times or situations that are harder than others. Seeking help is not a bad thing. We all need it.
Tiphanie & Richard,
I am a gifted program coordinator/teacher and also a past teacher of behavior management for kids, along with a series of parenting education courses. I agree 100% with your doctor on this one. It seems to definitely be an attention-getting mechanism that your daughter has developed. But I can also tell you (from personal experience) that it may take more than a month to break her of this.
My own daughter was much as you describe yours. She is extremely gifted (aces the AIMS test every year, etc.) and has always had trouble socially. She also started throwing tantrums around 5, and they occurred more often when she was having additional stress from social pressure. Now she still (age 13) occasionally blows up at us when she doesn't like what is going on.
Recent studies of "normal" kids have shown that the back part of their brain develops faster than the front part. The front part is where the reasoning center is. Their brain development doesn't catch up until they are 25. When you factor in the fact that your daughter is "gifted" you get a child whose knowledge is growing much faster than her ability to reason and analyze that knowledge. This is why they throw tantrums, and they are far more common for gifted children. Also, the social pressures for gifted girls are very different than for boys. A good read is "Gifted Girls, Gifted Women." You will be surprised how much of your daughter you recognize when you read it.
My daughter had problems making friends until we finally found a gifted program that worked well for her, and she found others in the same boat who thought on a higher level than their peers. It was not until she was able to make some real friends that the tantrums/anger seemed to slow.
I would follow your doctor's advice, and completely ignore the tantrums if possible. It will be extremely difficult since she is NOISY and you are worried that she will hurt herself, but it will be for the best in the long run. Also, she is old enough to have a talk with when she is calm. Let her know that you will not be talking to her when she is acting that way, but that you love her and are willing to talk to her once she has calmed down. Another thing that can help is showing her how to use her "cutie-pie smile" to get what she wants. Let her know that you are much more likely to listen to reason if she is smiling and happy rather than crying and screaming. Lastly, at one point I started a rule in our house that "whining means NO." If my kids whine/cry about something the answer is automatically no. If they calmly discuss something with me, I might say yes. This one rule made all the difference. It only took about 3 weeks to see the positive effects in my childrens' behavior.
Good luck. I hope this long post helps. Remember that what she needs now is your positive reinforcement for all the great things she does as she struggles to improve her behavior.
I have a grandson who is now 10yrs old. When he was 2 he showed gifted signs. Very, very smart however, he was doing the same as your daughter.
My daughter kept taking him back to the Pediatrician and he would always say the same. He's fine. Well he ended up on medication at the age of 4 of ADD and Asbergers'. That was the only meds that would calm him. My daughter took him off of these meds when he was 7 and he was your normal active little guy. When he turned 10 of course his hormones are changing and he would hurt himself, scream at my daughter. using inappropriate words, he just didn't care. He is still a brilliant child, very smart. Needless to say he is now back on meds again just as the Pediatrician said he would be. Only because of hormonal changes etc. At some point he will go off of them again just not sure at what age. I wouldn't be waiting for a month I would be right back at the Pediatricians' office. My grandson as well was very gifted but definetly not social. Even today he only has maybe 2 friends and not even best friends. He would rather stay by himself. When there are to many ppl. around him he can't handle the environment and starts to act out. Keep pushing your pediatrician don't let this keep happening. As you said your afraid that you will have someone call the Childrens Aide because of her bruises' etc. and it will happen. What is your husband going to say then. I know men are more apt to be in denial since she is probably a daddys' little girl but yes she does need to be reassessed. I don't like to be a bearer of bad news and she may not have what my grandson has but she needs something to learn to control this behavior before she hurts herself or quite possibly your 1yr old and I know that you or your husband wouldnt' want that.
I wish you all the best, pls. don't get all stressed out. Things will work out in the end. Sincerely,
I know someone whose son is like this and they had struggled to find out what to do he was finally diagnosed with aspergers syndrome . Children with this often have a very high IQ but have social problems. I would look into this and find a doctor that is experienced in it
I am going though the same thing with my seven year old daughter. She has been hurting herself since she was six. Everyone tells me she just wants attention, so I just did not give her attention. But now it is getting worst and today after I took her swimming she got upset because she did not get chips from the store, She then tried to place a bag over her head. My friend was with me she was able to take the bag off before she stop breathing. I have really bad dreams about her hurting herself and my husband said the same thing yours has. My daughter is really smart too she is a starght a student. She has a little brother, and maybe that has something to do with it, but this is scaring me and breaking my heart. I am scared one day I will go into her room and she will be cold. I have made her an appointment to see a theropist I really hope this works because I don't know what else to do. Its nice to know I am not the only parent dealing with this.
So i called her Pediatrician this morning who i’ve talked to when she was five also and he told me the same thing again. He says when she has a temper tantrum to ignore her even if she hurts herself. He said let her do nd if she hurts herself bad enough she’ll stop. He said to only intervene if she tries to kill herslef. He also gave me the number to a behavior therapist. My husband doesn’t want to take her though. So we are going to watch her for a month. I am going to log down every tantrum and see if they start to get better. If not i don’t care what he says i’m going to get her help.
I noticed a bruise on her forehead this morning and a knot from her headbanging. I’m concerned her teacher is gonna report it and call CPS on us.