What else was she supposed to say to you at that point? You called her at 4.45 in the morning. She was certainly sleeping and not at home. You called her to yell at her and insult her. However you feel about the way she's conducting herself and respecting the rules of your home, you did not act like the mature adult in this situation, and, in my opinion, need to apologize for antagonizing phone call. Your daughter is moving into the age where you need to have a two-way relationship or no relationship at all. The choice can be yours.
What isn't clear to me is what your daughter is still doing in your house? Is she working? Going to school? Are there other "household rules" that she's still expected to follow, or, aside from this, do you pretty much treat her like an adult? Honestly, if your daughter is mature and responsible in every other way, I would try to accept the fact that she is making different decisions about being sexually active, and find a way to come to peace with it. If you can't do that, figure out with her how you're going to broach this difference. But calling her a tramp isn't going to do it. If your daughter still needs a lot of guidance, set down a whole set of rules - working, going to school, paying rent, cooking, cleaning up, etc. She needs to learn to be a grown-up. Then she can make other grown-up decisions too.
Finally, the horse is out of the barn re: sex, is my guess. She's 18 - statistically most 18 year olds are sexually active. You might not like it, but you should probably work on accepting it, because there's nothing you can do about it at this point.
Yes, she is 18, but if she's living under your roof, she needs to live by your rules. Have you tried to set a curfew and if she doesn't stick to it--no boyfriend visits for a week or two, per infraction. If she doesn't like your rules, she can always move out & be self supporting, right? Good luck!
Your daughter is 18 and is obviously conscious of the fact that legally that makes her an adult and she gets to make her own choices. However, you are also an adult and get to make YOUR own choices and it's time for you to choose that you will not have adult children living with you. If your daughter chooses to assert her adulthood, then you can choose to not allow her to live in your home any more. It's time for her to get her own place, job, car etc.... Maybe she'll be less thrilled about being an adult once she's had to deal with the responsibility of being an adult as well as the perks. If she chooses to straighten out and come back, let her but make sure there are ground rules. Let her know what behaviors are unacceptable as long as she's living in your house. Again, if she doesn't like them, she is welcome to get her own place.
Put you foot down.
Edit: Bobbi....really? I personally think that attitudes like yours are the reason that pre-marital sex is okay these days and why teen pregnancy is at an all time high! Calling it the "real world" implies that it's okay just because everyone else is doing it. It's NOT. We all know that deep down. We ALL know that "everyone else is doing it" isn't a valid excuse for unacceptable behavior. If people would stand up for what's right instead of justifying what's EASY then this world would be a better place.
She's 18 now. Hopefully you taught her about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases. It's time to let her make her own decisions. I'm not sure what being "ladylike" has to do with anything, and calling her a tramp seems incredibly outdated. I think pregnancy and disease are the greater issues.
And by the way -- I hope you appreciate a daughter who says "alright mom" to whatever you say, even when you've just called her a nasty name.
You're going to lose your daughter acting like this mom. Have you sat down with her and chatted about sex and its importance in a relationship and birth control, etc? Or are you just the judge and enforcer? I was 18 once -- in college AND sleeping with my boyfriend at his apartment. I eventually married him. If my mom had called me a tramp.... well I don't know what I would have done. I don't know how you can talk to your daughter like that. What is she supposed to say when she's half asleep and her mother is calling her at 4:45 and calling her names? I would have hung up on you.
The problem is, we don't know what your daughter's story is. Is she a good kid? Is she in high school or college? Does she have a job? Is she respectful to you? Does she help around the house? Could you ask her to leave and support herself if her lifestyle bothers you?
Whatever you do, please stop calling her names. And to all the women on here aghast that an 18-year-old is having sex while still living in her parents' house....seriously? You all need to join the real world.
The day that any of my kids, who are living under my roof, thinks its ok to stay the night at a boyfriends/girlfriends home will have their bags packed waiting for them on the porch & the locks changed. So since this is 2 strikes on her, have a stern sit down talk, maybe include boyfriend, & tell her why you will not allow this behavior & tell her that you realize she is of age (government says they are adults, not me) & she can have a few hours to let you know if she is going to abide by your rules or if she is going to move out. And have her sign a contract that says if it ever happens again she & her belongings will have till noon to leave your home.
You seem to be a VERY good, concerned, passionate mother & there needs to be more like you out there, then maybe there wouldn't be so many young pregnancies & the STD rates would drop. As hard as it is, stay cool & calm & refrain from name calling. She will one day thank you.
Well, my 19 year old daughter came home. Husband in Army and I gave daughter a list of rules as far as living at my house .
After a few weeks of her not respecting my rules, I asked her to leave. She did the rounds of her friends and other relatives, tried one more time at home and was asked to leave again because she would not follow the simple rules of the house.
Now I have not seen or heard from her in 4 months. I don't know where or how she is living. Yes, it hurts me, but it's OK because I no longer have a constant battle with her.
At 18 , and really before that, our kids have agency . They can make choices, but they cannot choose the consequences of their actions. If you feel this is unacceptable behavior, then you need to make your own choices, but remember there are always reactions.
Your house, your rules...stay and obey or go and do whatever you want. Give her a choice. Mine was 3 strikes you're out. You have to decide what yours is.
She is 18 and of legal age.
I agree it would upset me as well.
However if she is woman enough to do this...she is woman enough to (in the words of my parents) If you live under my roof you live under my rules. If she cannot obey your rules there should be consequeces and living somewhere else may be it. She may choose to live with her boyfriend and you need to be ready for that as well. dont make idle threats unless you can follow through with them.
Pray for you to come to her senses.
the more you push the more she will pull so be prepared emotionally!
best wishes
I think it is fine to let her know how you feel about her decision to stay the night with a boyfriend and that she should be cautious about her actions. But, calling her at the crack of dawn is a little much. Sit down with her and have a dialogue rather than preaching your own ideals on her. She is 18, her own person, an adult understandably a young adult. But, nonetheless an adult.
Okay...do yo know for sure that she is even having sex with this boyfriend? From the time I got my driver's license at 16 years old I sometimes stayed over at my 2 1/2 year older boyfriend's house until 3am. There were a few times I fell asleep and didn't wake up until almost 6am. My parents reminded me that my curfew was 1am (firm at 16) and at 18 if any later to call and try to be home by 3am. That being said, I didn't have sex with my boyfriend until 2 months before my 20th birthday. That boyfriend is now my husband- together for 12 years and married 5 years. My point is, that you should discuss before you react.
I understand your gut reaction to be negative and freak out, but you have to treat your daughter like an adult. Yes, she has to live by your rules or live somewhere else. But that doesn't mean you should overreact and mistreat your daughter by calling names. And I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but if your daughter is having sex, it won't matter whether or not she stays over. Sex doesn't only happen at night. Remain calm, express your concerns, moral beliefs, and expectations. Clearly lay out the consequences for breaking the rules. If you want to have a good relationship with your adult daughter in the future, it has to start now.
And Bobbi, I totally disagree with Dyreka. Your attitude is not what promotes pre-marital sex and teen pregnancy. Studies have shown that educating about STDs, pregnancy, and protection REDUCE instances of teen sex and pregnancy. The abstinence-only education and "hell and damnation for having sex" attitude INCREASE teen sex and pregnancy. It is entirely possible to educate our children about safe sex without condoning it. The REAL WORLD is full of choices and pre-marital sex is one of those. If my daughters choose to have premarital sex, I want them to be well informed. Simply because one person believes that it is wrong does not mean that he/she sets the moral compass for everyone else in the world.
My daughter went away to college when she was 18, had a dorm room without a roommate, and had her boyfriend over many anight to sleep. But they did not have sex. I know, some of you are thinking, yeah right, but I know my daughter, and She has made it perfectly clear she is waiting! now at 21 she has another boyfriend, and has stayed at his place, at the frat house. Again, spending the night with him, again not having sex. So before everyone jumps to that conclusion, maybe you need to find out what your daughter is doing.
This being said, it is reasonable to tell her what your rules are, and that she must follow them. She then has a choice to make. But she is not having him over in your house. Is this the hill you want to die on? She could always tell you she is going to a girfriend's house, and then got to BF and spend the night. Would you prefer she lies? So I think you have to make some decisions yourself. I would sit down with your daughter, your adult daughter, and between the two of you come up with a list of rules if she is going to live at your house. It can be difficult to make the transition to dealing with an adult. But if you want to continue to have a good relationship with your daughter now and in the future, you must. The rules you come up with will depnd on other factors going on in her life, if she is in HS, college, has a job, etc.
Alisha,
You've already rec'd a lot of responses and I didn't read them all, but I don't think your reactions are off track. Yeah, maybe she isn't having sex, but sleeping overnight with a boyfriend is either going to be a temptation to do so, or obviously, they already are. I think its fair that you tell her you are unhappy about it. But, telling her she's being a tramp will only create more tension between you. You obviously have values that say its unladylike, and she doesn't share those. We can't control our children (it would be nice!) and we have to hope that the way we raised them will be enough, but, if she's living in your house it seems more than fair that she have rules, even if she's 18. If you guys can establish what those rules and boundaries are together, and she agrees to them, she will be more likely to abide by them. When she doesn't, you'll have to keep the boundary...whatever it is you decide.
I your daughter is still living a home, you have the right to direct her NOT to sleep over at her boyfriend's. If she does so again, she should be told that there will be consequences for her action, financial or otherwise. If your daughter refuses to abide by your rules, I suggest she find another place to live.
You need to make your rules clear you know the “if she lives under my roof rules” (whether she is 18 or 80). Be firm. Chances are you pay for some bills e.g. cell phone, car insurance, perhaps even college, etc., let her know there will significant consequences for unacceptable behavior and be ready to deal with her choices. I paid for my college but not my car insurance a bazillion years ago (before cell phones) and my parents made the rules very clear and I had my car privileges taken away. In hindsight, I am so grateful for those rules today. My husband gave the same advice to friends whose daughter was planning on dropping out of college and getting married to a guy who wasn’t working or going to school. They stopped making car payments, cell phone payments and college payments and their daughter got the point that she really wasn’t ready for the adult world just yet. Just my 2 cents. I’ll keep you in prayer. Pax, A