Hi,
My 18 year old daughter is sleeping overnight with a boyfriend. I have told her that this is not acceptable to me and that it is definetly not ladylike. She told me she would not do it again. Then she turns around and says shes going for a little whild and I call at 4:45 am and she answers the phone(which she did not do before) sleepy like and tells me she is on her way. I tell her what is the point at this time of the morning and that she should have taken her clothes with her. I told her she could not be a tramp around me and once again that she was not conducting herself like a lady. All she says is "alright mom". What should I do and am I off track with my reactions?
yikes, your post makes me want to call my mom and apologize! (again) lol..... if it makes you feel any better, that guy is now my wonderful husband of 13 years.... good luck!
If she lives in your house then her age is meaningless, at least in my opinion. I lived in my parent's house until I was 21 (except when I was away at school during the year) and I promise you that when I turned 18, while there were some freedoms that were allowed me that I didn't have previously, my parents' rules were my parents' rules and it didn't matter what my age was. If they said I couldn't go somewhere then I couldn't go and if I wasn't willing to live by their rules then I wasn't permitted to live in their house and I knew it!
I don't know that calling your daughter a tramp is the best way to get through to her, or rather, insinuating that she is acting like a tramp, but I would give her an opportunity to comply to your rules and if she fails to, well, the front door is well...in the front and she can walk through it. She might actually do it though, but I think she will find out that it's a little harder out in the real world and paying your own rent and bills, etc. that she will probably come back.
I don't think you are off track with your reaction in that she shouldn't be sleeping over at a boyfriend's house, but there is a better way to communicate it. Saying that she can't act that way without implementing a consequence is meaningless.
I should tell you that, I myself do NOT have an 18-year-old, but am just speaking from the experience of growing up in my parents' house. Granted 18 was a little more than one decade ago, but not that much farther.
Okay Alisha, After reading the responses you got I have to say this.....especially to the Mom's that seem to think an 18 year old having sex is a major offense. How many of you had sex before marriage at 16, 17, 18, 19 or 20? My best guess is MOST of YOU. Let's get a reality check here. Would you rather your little girl rush into marriage before she is ready because she thinks that is the only proper way to have sex? Or because she thinks it's the only way to get Mom off her back? I'm not saying to tell our children to go for it, but since the beginning of time kids (and 18 is not exactly a kid) have been having sex. I stick with my original post, but just had to add this.
In my opinion you are certainly entitled to have rules of the house as long as she is living in your house. I back you up on that one. However, I do believe inferring that your daughter is a "tramp" is way off track. I understand, I've said things in anger and anxiety I wish I hadn't, but name calling is never beneficial and can really cause damage. If I were you I would apologize for that remark and explain you were just worried and upset because you love her so much.
A lot of 18 year olds have sex. If your daughter is in a relationship and not just having sex that is better. I wouldn't want my 18 year old to be having sex either and I agree that you tell your daughter you do not want her to have sex, and what your house rules are (no sleepovers). I also think it is reasonable to ask her to find another place to live (without your help) if she cannot comply. BUT, your daughter is of legal age, and telling her she can't have sex is something you cannot control. I would tell her that you don't want her to, and tell her why you don't want her to, but I would also say I understand this is ultimately her decision. If she is going to have sex I would offer to get her to a doctor and on birth control.
I'll say this again.....The truth is your daughter is of legal age, and telling her she can't have sex is something you cannot control. You can control what you allow in your house, but if you try to control your daugher's actions I fear it will only lead to a decaying of your relationship with her. I doubt that is what you want.
Oy, this is a difficult time... And one that ultimately needs your relationship with her to stay strong, especially since 18-22 year old girls tend to make bad decisions when they don't trust their relationship with their mothers enough to ask for advice. I think you will need to temper your anger in order to keep the lines of communication open. A few questions for you: knowing that she perceives this as a serious relationship, do you like her boyfriend? If you make things awkward for her at home, is there a possibility she would move in with him? Realistically, she won't stop being sexually active with him, so what is it that you would like to see happen--that she do whatever she does with him before a certain time and then come home? What would bother you more: that she move out of the house and you not know these types of details about her life or that she stay living at home? Is she in school? I assume you would rather she stay in college than for her to move out and work full-time instead? (I must say, I hear so many stories of young adults getting in trouble with drugs, alcohol, the law, abusive relationships, ect., that if this is the worst aspect that upsets you then she sounds like a good kid!)
No, last night a friend of ours stopped by and I asked about his daughters. He said they are fine, specifically I asked about the nineteen year old -right around the same age as my son. He said I threw her out. I was absolutely floored. He said he and wife agreed she needed to leave because she would not follow the rules.
We have threatened this with my son if he does not stay on target. We are people who have to wake up early to go to work, he works and it is later hours. I do not need to be awake all night worrying about him which I do.
You will have to lay out some rules. They do not like supporting themselves, but I did at that age and have lived on my own since eighteen.
I think they do the alright mom, or uh, huh, okay, etc. so they think we will shut up-. You need your health and your sleep (I am sure my cancer that I had last year sped up from worrying about a son that was in the service and my other one who was out all night half the time). You must be very clear what can happen if the rules aren't followed. I say can because I can tell like me we are in the threatening stage. My husband says twentyone and he's out. He was walking a girl home the other night, and returned at about two in the morning. We took turns on the worry shift. It is difficult, but to answer your question : YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT OFF TRACK WITH YOUR REACTIONS.
Unless you chain her up, you cannot control her every move. :) She is old enough to make choices now that you may or may not approve of. We have all been through that stage and nothing our parents said changed our minds. We often don't realize how much we should have listened until later.
If she is having sex, she probably isn't going to stop, regardless of what time her curfew is. It is a reasonable expectation for her to have a set time to be home and I think you need to discuss that expectation with her and set up some consequences. I would also talk about the sex issue and explain that you are there for her if she wants to talk and ask her about birth control options and make sure she has any information she needs.
You CANNOT control her sexual activities and to try is a lose/lose situation. It will only cause a strain on your relationship. The worst thing to do is to react in anger, call her names and strain the relationship. You have to be there for her and you have to accept that she is a young woman now that is capable of making adult decisions, even if you do not approve.
Good luck to you!
Just to add something to think about: I slept over at my boyfriend's house and we were NOT sexually active. We didn't have sex for the first 3 years of our relationship. I was 19 and he was 20 when we had sex for the first time and we have now been together for 11 years and married for 6.
Try to be there for her, so that she'll have the parental support she needs to make wise choices. Good luck to you! Take care!
She is old enough to be able to decide herself as to whether she wants or doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend. If she is having sex with him, then this is unlikely to end, even if they change the hours so that she is home at night.
Unless you really want her to move out and if she is in college drop out and start working (not a great option in this day and age), I would apologize for the name calling and say that you are worried about her and suggest that if she hasn't already, that she go to the doctor to get plenty of birthcontrol including condoms. If she is on the pill, she still needs to use condoms as STDs are very prevalent here in Chi, especially for young people. In some parts of the city, the prevalence rate can run as high as 50%.
Since she is living at home, she should still be letting you know what time she is coming home, so that you don't spend half the time worrying.
good luck.
There is some great advice offered in the previous posts so I'll try not to repeat. I would not be inclined, however, to throw her out. At that age they are still very impressionable and need guidance. She's in new territory for herself along with peer pressure and she needs a firm foundation she can always rely on.
My two kids are in their early 20's and what has been the basis of our solid relationships is trust and communication. Much of their ability to trust me came in my willingness to listen to them - what they say as well as what they don't say. Along with that has been learning to not judge them. They are human. So am I. They will make mistakes. I've made plenty. They will use poor judgement at times. I do too.
I know you want the best for your daughter. I think it might help to really step back from the situation, get in a more balanced place where you can try to see the situation more objectively and ask yourself what is really important here? How can I best support her in navigating through this time in her life? Perhaps here is where you will find some answers best suited to you and your daughter, where trust can take shape and you can be an anchor for her whether she is fully aware of it or not.
I think it's also important to teach our kids about outcomes as all of our actions have consequences. My kids took note when I said to them that yes, you do have a choice here. It is your choice and along with it comes an outcome. It helped to take them out of the moment and look ahead a bit. It also took me out of the equation where I'm not telling them what to do or think (which I can't do anyway) and that I am letting them and encouraging them to own their own choices. It helped to empower them and make them think about their actions beyond what they might think they want in the moment.
You certainly can set boundaries though. These are the house rules - you need to be home by ? time. Maybe the consequence is that she loses her cell phone privileges (or whatever) for a couple of weeks. You'll find something that you can present to her.
Hidden in this is an opportunity for both of you and while it's not pleasant dealing with stuff like this, the outcomes of the choices you make here along with her can change the course of things. Good luck to you!
ps - I'd drop the tramp thing. It serves no purpose and will only push her away.
I have an 18 year old so I completely understand! Being 18 she can make her own decisions. You only have control over what you allow and the rules of your home. As much as I don't want my 18 year old behaving that way, I know demaning it is a losing battle and the surest way to guarantee it does happen. I do know that kids today do "crash" at each others homes and it doesn't necessarily mean they are having sex. I have actually told my son that if it gets past a certain hour I prefer he stay where he is rather than be on the road at all hours of the night (because of both other people being dui or up to no good AND/OR him being over tired).
I would tell her what your rules are, including a curfew (it should be reasonable considering her age), and explain that it is non-negotiable. Arguing with her will not accomplish anything. If she will not abide by your rules, you have two options...do nothing and allow it or tell her she can't live there.
First of all using terms like "tramp" is NOT appropriate for any mother to use. While your daughter's behavior at this age is not acceptable you need to realize at this point, she's at the age where unfortunately we as parents have to start letting go and realizing they HAVE TO make their own mistakes. We had a similar situation with our daughter and no amount of yelling, arguing, etc helped. Set your rules and tell her if she can't abide by them then she needs to find another place to live. It's hard when you're worrying about them because they haven't called - I'm sure there are many parents who've experienced the anxiety as we have. BUT BY NO MEANS should you EVER result to demeaning terms such as tramp, etc. She is still your daughter and even though she is making mistakes, mothers love their children unconditionally and are there are to pick up the pieces when we can as long as we see them LEARN from their mistakes. When they don't and they keep repeating the same mistakes then it's time for tough love to kick in. Unfortunately they all have to go through things and it's tough as a parents to sit by and watch it unravel but that's all a part of becoming an adult.
I do not think any situation whatsoever would result in me demeaning my daughter with names like TRAMP.
Your daughter is 18 and of legal age. IF she lives under your roof, yes, she is expected to follow rules but be not be a slave to your controls.
Controlling her, or attempting to, will backfire. Stop and look in the mirror....how would YOU feel if you turn this situation around and you were the one being called names by your mom. Of all the people in the world.....MOM is the one who loves you unconditionally.
Before you talk to your daughter more, sit down, relax, go over your thoughts rationally and think like an adult (Mom).
Best wishes.
Mom, I cant believe that you and her father are letting your daugther behave like this and she is still living under your roof and you are supporting her? Does she not have a curfew? Where is her father in all of this? First thing I would do is have a serious sit down chat with her today and tell her how strongly you disapprove of her behavior, then let her know the consequences of her actions. Make it something very meaningful to her, like loss of car and cell for several wks. Let her know if she violates curfew again by being with him or anyone else, she needs to make plans to move out of the house and support herself on her own since she is choosing to live a lifestyle that you dont approve of. Next I would tell her she needs to be put on some birth control pills so an appt needs to be made with an OB/GYN by her asap. Since she is likely sleeping with BF, does she know she is exposing herself to all types of STD's? Be sure you tell the GYN to inform her all about what could happen if she gets one. When the appt is made by her, call him/her afterwards and let Dr know them to discuss STD's with her and what the lifetime outcome could be for her. Wondering is your daughter still in high school, how old is the BF? Where are his parents in all of this? I would let her know that you plan to call them to discuss what is going on if he still lives at home and is being supported by them, an unwanted pregnancy will affect both of their futures drastically.
If I were you I'd get a very strong back bone from here on out with her. I know she will tell you that "everyone is doing it", but it would not be happening under my roof while I am supporting her. If she keeps it up she needs to know that she will need to make plans to move out. Hope this helps
She is 18 and an adult and can do what she want if she is on her own. If she is living with you then there are some house rules, but you will not be able to control her when she is out of your sight. The time to guide her is over. But you can certainly have curfew rules for coming home, probably the time that you go to bed so your bedtime is not impacted by her schedule. And having sex at 18 is not early, and she is not a tramp if there is a relationship - in my opinion.
Make sure she is on birth control AND using condoms.
Take her on guided tour of STDs on Google Images to reinforce the condom rule above.
Make sure she is in college.
Make sure she is working. 12-20 hrs if she is in college or 40+ hours if she is not.
Suspend access to your kitchen. Feeding a adult child who is being a pain in the a$$ would really chap my hide.
Suspend payment for her wheels; monthly auto loan and/or insurance.
Invite that boy and his family out to dinner and casually drop into the conversation something like, "So, how do you guys feel about your son hitting it with my 18 year old daughter and playing house without the responsibilities that come with such adult decisions?"
Well, since she is 18 and legally an adult, you can't really punish her. And, at this point, it sounds like it will just backfire and push her farther into the behavior you're not okay with.
It sounds like you need to find a time when you are both calm and in a good mood, and have a talk. Tell her you are concerned; explain why the behavior can be risky, and why you are not okay with it. And listen to her point of view. Really, listen and try to understand her. You don't have to agree with her, but don't cut down her opinion. Chances are, she needs a strong and steady mom to anchor her (especially if things get hairy), and the more you respect her now, the more she will come to you with whatever she needs help with.
Try setting up a few ground rules. If she doesn't pay you rent, you do have the right to have some house rules - at the very least that she call you and tell you where she is (so that you're not up till 5 am worrying!). You can also have rules about who she has over, and how late. But if you forbid her from going out, or from seeing this guy anymore, or try to impose a curfew, you're just going to push her away. WHich is the last thing you want, right?
She's at an age where she firmly believes that she should be making her own decisions. Continue to love her, to let her know you are concerned about her, and to respect her, and she will be more likely to (eventually) listen to your opinion, even if she doesn't agree.
A tramp to me is a person who sleeps around and has no self respect. More like a whore. Is your daughter a whore? Would it be ok if anyone else ever called her a tramp or a whore? So why on earth would her beloved mother call her such a devastating name.
You are the mother, you set the example, you help give her, her self respect.
You cannot control her behaviors, but you can let her know your concerns and let her know what your needs are if she is going to live in your home.
There is nothing wrong with giving her a curfew. "I need you home by 12:00 or I cannot sleep." " If you KNOW you are going to be later call me. If you know you are not coming home, let me know so I do not worry." "I am not trying to know your business, but I really cannot sleep if you are not home at 12:00."
Be careful about trying to run her life, about calling her terrible names. You are her mother and if you want her to stay in your life she needs to be able to be honest with you.
If you do not want her in your life, keep calling her names and let her know how she disappoints you all of the time. Your wish will be granted and you can thank yourself.
Things that hit home for me were this.. If I live under my parents roof, then I abide by their rules. Which means a curfew even at 25 yrs old I had a curfew. I Had to pay rent (which was later returned to me by providing me with a down payment on my condo, which we live in today).
The first time I spent the night out and did not call. My dad sat me down and explained why he was so scared for me. This morning he said that they found a girl 18-25 yrs old dead in the forest preserve near me. The only way he knew for sure that was not me, is because I did not fit the nationality. But he was scared and did not know where I was or if I was okay. That really hit home to me and I never did that again. I was always forthcoming with where I was and what I was doing.
You have to hit her where she is going to know what is up. and how her actions effect you in a way that she can see it from your point of view. Kids at 18 think they know the world, then they get to 20-21 and realize that they do not know much.
I was stupid, moved in with a guy at 19, came home at 20 (almost 21). Had 14k in debt and had nothing to show for it. My parents showed me how to get out of debt. And today My hubby and I are mostly debt free.. No CC debt.. just the mortgage, car note and utilities. It was a lesson that I learned very well.
If she's going to live at your home, she needs to respect your rules. If she's not respecting your rules, she needs to move out. She's telling what you want to hear then turning around and doing what she wants anyway. Explain to her the next time she does it, her belongings will be boxed up out the door and the locks will be changed, and then follow through.
I don't think it is EVER appropriate for a parent (especially a mother) to call their children names...especially a name like "tramp"...shame on you Mom!
You have probably done some serious damage to your relationship by acting in this bitter, judgmental way and for putting her down like this. Now that she knows how you feel about her, what is to stop her from continuing on with any reckless behavior because in her mind, you already feel she is a tramp...why not act like one?
She is 18 yrs old...in this day and age can you see why she would feel it would be OK to sleep over at her BF house? I say you should have had a CALM and NOT JUDGMENTAL conversation about birth control and STD's and hoped for the best. You can not control her every decision and at some point you are going to have to allow her to live her own life and trust that you as the MOM have done a good job and raised a well-balanced responsible woman.