My 17 year old came home tonight, past curfew, totally wasted. She was falling over drunk. Her friend (who was sober) brought her home and apologized multiple times for letting her drink so much. I am really glad she has a friend who was watching out for her when she was making bad choices. I know that teenage drinking is not out of the norm. I'm not naive, and I have talked with her multiple times about drinking and drugs, letting her know our expectations, but I know that she is going to make her own decisions. I have always expressed to her that above all else, honesty will get you much farther than lying, and that if she screws up, we won't be as hard on her if she is up front about it. So I am way more upset about her lying to us than I am about the drinking itself. Her friend told us that she has been drinking a lot lately, and that she has been lying about where she has been. I am so frustrated that I don't even know what to do at this point. Any advice?
The lying and the drinking need to stop. Just because a lot of kids drink doesn't make it alright and you need to take a hard stance with it. She has proven that she doesn't know when to stop so she needs to learn not to even start. She should be restricted to school and home only for at least a month. 'Since you can't be trusted to be honest with us about where you are going and what you are doing, you may not go out.' If she has a car, that needs to be taken away during this time and you drive her to school and pick her up. Straight home. No friends over, no internet other than school work, no phone/texting. She needs to see that you take these things seriously. After the month is over make sure she knows that the immediate 'punishment' may be over, but the consequences of her behavior are not. The consequence of lying is lack of trust. 'You will have to earn our trust back, and that is going to take some time. No sleepovers for a while until we think you can be trusted with that kind of freedom. If you want a sleepover it must be at our house so we can monitor you.' Double check everything she does/says. If she says she'll be at Susie's after school, call Susie's mom and make sure. She should not be allowed at anyone's house after school unless a parent is going to be there. Speak directly to the parent to make sure. Also, let her know that you will be monitoring her computer usage and texting. Any attempt to clear her computer's history will be considered lying and there will be another month of lock down. Let her know that she will be earning small freedoms along the way. If she does't abuse those freedoms, more will follow, but if she sneaks, or lies, or drinks at all, freedoms go away and will take even longer to earn back the second time. Assuming all goes very well, she is regretful and making the necessary changes to her life and proving to you that she is making wiser decisions, full trust could be restored as early as the new year. Not any sooner. Make her work for it. She needs to own her behavior and learn from her mistakes or she will be on a rough road through adulthood. Take a stand now out of love. She will better off for it.
Be brave!
I agree with Jen. You trusted your daughter, she broke that trust, she will now have to earn it back.
Here is the big problem. Your daughter has a drinking problem.
It is against the law for her to be drinking.
If she is arrested, she will become a part of the system because she is 17 and can be charged as an adult in some states, but 21 is the legal age for drinking.
That is still 4 years away.
Here are things to inform her of..
IF she ever gets arrested, even first time, she will need an attorney.
Who is going to pay for that?
Then she will need to go before a judge or go to court. There are fees for this.
Who will pay for this?
If given probation, they can take her drivers license.
How will she get around? Also your insurance can go up, even if she does not drive, because she lives in your home.
She will be ORDERED to attend AA meetings..
How will she get to the meetings with no drivers license?
She could be put on probation. There are fees each time she meets with a Probation Officer.
Who will pay the fees? And how will she get there?
Then, if she is required to have random blood tests.
Who will pay for these? The state charges for each of these tests.
If she applies to Colleges, she will probably want to stay in your area, because there is a process for moving, while on probation especially out of state. How is she going to like to have to explain that and will she be willing to go through the system and pay the out of state fees for all of the above? And how will she once again get to all of these meetings in another city or state?
How do I know about all of this.. My husband works for he Police Dept and I belong to a moms group. On of our moms son was not even drinking, but was observed by a Policeman leaving a party where alcohol was being served to under age kids and there were empty beer cans in is car.. (not even his) He got pulled into the system and had to give up his scholarships to his college out of state, because he was no longer going to be able to meet all of his probation requirements in that small town.
The attorneys fees alone where over $10,000 at the end of all of this.. He was not even drinking! Imagine what it would be like for your daughter who does drink?
She has a drinking addiction at this point. She needs to get help now, before she gets pulled into this system. She has not thought about the consequences, because she is an immature child instead of a young adult.
Today you all need to sit down and ask her what the heck is going on? Ask her what her future plans are and how is she going to make them happen.
Then let her know that she needs professional help and find you all need to find her a therapist or a treatment center and get her the help that she needs.
I agree with what Jen said below.. If she continues, also take her bedroom door off of its hinges also.
She is not a bad kid. It is just that she has made a very bad choice and needs to get back on track.
I am sending you all strength
IT IS TIME FROM YOU TO BE A PARENT AND NOT A FRIEND. Take her to an AA meeting and make her talk with someone and listen to the stories. Tell her that she needs to go to at least 5 meetings with you.
I hope she had a bad hangover and you didnt make it easy for her. I remember getting drunk on Boones farm when I was about that age, I barfed in my friends car and they had to carry me up to the door. My mom was pissed and started cooking bacon and eggs and pancakes early that morning which made me puke more along with dry heaves forever. She gave me water, a lecture, grounded me for a month, and I never drank wine again until I was in my 30's.
It's dangerous if she's already been doing it for awhile, I would take away all privileges immediately.... and if that doesnt help, then drag her to some AA meetings and make her listen to the stories.
Wow. Time for tough love. I love the poster who cooked breakfast the next morning and made her throw up.
You all need to sit down at home and with counselor(s) to find out what is going on. Is she stressed out over school grades, is it a boyfriend, is it something else? Kids do try alcohol out but not to this extent at this age.
And yes lying is a big no no. As one poster said you can adjust time to the crime if you are honest but if you the parent find out another way it may be harder or too late. I always told my kids tell me the truth no matter what because one day it may mean staying out of jail or going to jail. I would have had time to adjust to the situation before proceeding with other issues it caused.
Now she will have to learn what trust is all about and how relationships change during the rebuilding of trust. It may be as little as three months or as long as 2 years depending on the ups and downs and how you feel about her honesty.
Hang in there but do nip this in the bud before she ruins her life. Kids don't think beyond one or two days (short picture) and not the long run (job, husband, kids, home). Help her but don't be a friend be the parent and be a good firm one.
Good luck to you both as you will need it. Don't accuse just be there and treat her as an adult with her since she is 17. Let her see the other side of how things work so to speak.
The other Suzanne
Yes, she has betrayed your trust (typical for a teen)......but she can earn it back.
I wouldn't let her go anywhere with friends that i didn't know where she is going and have to call when she gets there......not from a cell. I would be very particular about where I okay. I would call the parents of where she is going and ask flat out "will you be home? Will alcohol be served?" Don't let her go anywhere you don't know for sure, and when she earns your trust back loosen up a bit. I wouldn't let her go if there are no parents there.
You still let her go out.....she isn't in prison, but it's time to be a hawk and watch every move. When she complains you don't trust her.......tell her that's true because she betrayed your trust, but you look forward to her earning it back.
If her friends are concerned to the point of telling you about the things your daughter is doing....then she may have a problem. At 17, friends do not confront parents of their friends unless something major is going on.
You need to find a good counselor. She needs someone to talk to without judgement or consequence. Our kids have a lot more stress than I ever feeling at that age. Kids have so much expectations thrown at them and some parents want there kids to be good at everything so they push in academics, sports, being popular. And then there is the pressure their peers throw at them. You need to find a counselor that specializes with adolescents. One of my friends took her son and the family went too. It really helped them out. I have a son 17 and it hasn't always bee perfect but he has a curfew and if he breaks it he does not go out the next time he wants. He understands if he doesn't want to respect our rules he knows where the door is. Obviously it's not all about discipline. It's having a good relationship with your kids too. It is very hard being a parent to a teenager let alone a teenage girl. (I also have a 15 year old girl). Her and I are going to counseling and it has helped me more than her I think. It has shown me how she takes advantage of me. He's also helping her see her behavior versus what her planned outcome is. I highly recommend it. It also helps with the guilt us parents feel.
to state the obvious, something is going on. If she has a friend expressing concern to the parent AND telling you she's been lying about where she's been that is teen code for there are bigger problems. Coming home drunk MIGHT fall into the kids will be kids category but the friend telling you her behavior has changed and her lying about where she's been sounds like a big red flag.
You can get drug tests from the pharmacy now. Has she dated any jerks lately? Can you pinpoint when she started acting out? IF you can ask the friend without your daughter hearing could you say "you know we've been seeing some issues for 2 weeks but I'm worried it started earlier, what do you think" You may get the "I don't know" but it may be a soft enough opening that she can help pinpoint the timeframe.
I don't know how things work in your house but it sounds like it is time to check her computer, facebook/twitter and cell phone.
Kate,
Its obvious you are concerned for your daughter. You mentioned being glad she has a friend watching out for her, but honestly, she wasn't watching out for her. Not that its her responsibility to do so, but if she came home falling over drunk, there was no watching being done. She is going to make her own decisions, but what are the consequences for wrong choices while she's living in your house? What are the consequences for when she misses curfew, let alone for drinking underage? I agree with other posters that she has a drinking problem, but she might not see the seriousness of it that you see. I would encourage you to get counseling together to seek out the root cause. You can have a heart to heart with her that you are concerned about her behaviors, but ultimately, you will have to set some clear boundaries. What will happen if this continues? Would you even "turn her in" for breaking the law by drinking? This sounds severe, but what is the wake up call worth? Are you willing to not let her go "out" with friends for a while? Are you willing to keep the boundaries when she gets mad about it? Raising kids is hard. I hope something good will come out of it for you and her.
To try to create a logical consequence for breaking the law when her teenager came home drunk, my sister called the cops, who came and did a breathalizer test. She had to go to court before a judge, and the judgment she received was doing community service for breaking the law by drinking underage.