There was only 1 reason I was spending all my time with my boyfriend at that age. SEX! My mom had no clue because she wanted to believe I was pure. I too always told her I wanted to go to his house and spend time with his family. His mother would cover for me anytime I wanted her to.
I would limit her time. If it's not happening now, it will.
Please have a conversation with her about birth control and sex and the decisions she has to be prepared to make with respect to her own body. Kids this young ARE having sex. Talk to her about how you want her to honor and value her body and that having sex will NOT make a boy stay or like you more. Set rules about where they can see each other. Not behind closed doors, at your house, etc. I told my daughter, no dating until 16 and that didn't stop her from liking someone at 13 and beginning to spend lots of time together. We can't really control that much, but we can make sure we are connected with and talking to our daughters. One of my favorite strategies was to read the same teen magazines and watch the same (awful) reality shows like The Hills or whatever. Those gave me the chance to talk about a lot of teen and dating issues in a more neutral way talking about an article or someone's bad behavior on TV. I could ask questions like "do you think that any kids at your school are having those kinds of issues etc.
A lot of times a teenager doesn't want to talk so you have to be there and be patient and sometimes just wait it out. Use your intuition. mom's can sense when something has changed, don't ignore those signals. Be brave, hopefully this challenging frustrating teenage phase will only be around for a few years.
Hello Kristine, I am the mother of 5 and have raised several others so I come with experiance. None of my girls were allowed to date until 16 but they were smart enough to group date at about 13. Think hard weren't you the same way when you were TwitterPatted the first time? I know that I was. You are facing what my family and friends call " the seperation/division of family and sweetheart-- it can be a warzone worse than any battle ground.
My girls made me crazy becasue once they found this guy and I quote" wonderful, cute,great smile, great voice, and oh those hands are so nice to hold" The family was history.!.. We have had to make the guy come and read out loud school books so she would even think about homework, have made sure they are not alone or unchaperoned so it doesn't get out of hand. But I can tell you it is easier to be the other of boys why? because then you know what your son has been taught. I have one daughter that we put the boyfriends name on the chore chart becasue he was there so much.
Ofcourse since we have so many siblings around here they are 1st or I come down heavy on the "dates". We have see great guys and ones we hated manystayed as family friends after they broke up. Be prepared to be told that the world has ended when they breakup ! Good Luck this is a whole new stage of paenthood and the ride on this rollercoaster is fast and furious!
"
Invite the boyfriend on a family outing. She might die of embarrassment at first but she'll get over it.
Move the computer to a "public" area in your house.
Make her "earn" boyfriend time - talk to his parents so they can back you up.
Remind her that when we were kids we had to actually WRITE notes and pass them in the halls..until she is so bored she'll agree to do what ever you want her to. ;)
BTW - my 8-9th grade boyfriend is still my best friend - he ended up being gay so the whole true love thing didn't work out for us but we can still yak on the phone for HOURS. ;)
My girls are not this age yet, however I have 10 younger cousins who I've had the chance to observe growing up. As a cautionary tale, my dumb aunt thought it would be a great idea to allow her 2 sons to date at this age. She'd let them run off at whatever day and time they chose with whatever random girl they were involved with at the time. They both had terrible grades in middle school and things didn't get better in high school. The cautionary tale part comes in here: my aunt thought her older son's girlfriends' parents were sooooo out of touch for not wanting her to date, that she allowed the girl to come over to her house to hang out. Well, my aunt didn't supervise them AT ALL and long story short, the girl ended up hooked on drugs (did I mention that my dumb cousin sold drugs out his bedroom window?) and pregnant. Her parents were heartbroken because they thought she had been with her friends or at the library, etc. Anyhow, this poor girl ends up in rehab, then has a baby (which her parents had to raise, as she was in MIDDLE SCHOOL)... It seriously screwed up her life. To this day (the "baby" is now 7 years old) she is struggling to get her life back on track.
So I guess my point is, you need to be the mom and really take charge of this situation. Keep your daughter safe at all costs. If that means that you have to pick her up at school and sit right next to her as she does her homework, then do it. There is no good reason that a 13 year old girl needs to be going on dates, just her and the boyfriend. They should go out in a group or chaperoned, but letting them go off by themselves is insanity. I don't care how "nice" this boy seems, he is only interested in one thing, and you and I both know what that is! Don't let your daughter go there!
At this point, your daughter needs to focus on school work and family. Those are her first two priorities. After that, maybe a group date night on the weekend, but the two of them really shouldn't be left alone unsupervised. No good can come of it! We have been through this heartbreak in our family and have seen it firsthand.
Ask your daughter to bring him around more often. Instead of spending time at his house, they can spend time at yours. Including him will probably make your daughter feel like you're being more supportive of her relationship (even if you don't really approve). I think that might open the lines of communication and make it so that you are able to spend more time with her while being able to keep an eye on the young couple.
I may be old fashioned, but I did not allow my daughters to date until they were 16 years old. If they wanted to go out with boy, it had to be a group date, meaning several kids went out to together. I was also the parent that drove the kids to movies. I didn't mind because this allowed me to meet and see the other kids my daughters hung out with.
There were times that my kids were expected to come together for a family funtion, and I explained why it was important to come together and be together even if they didn't feel like it.
I remembered a request like this from a couple of years ago and went back to look at it. I decided I couldn't put that advice any better so I am just going to paste it here. :o) At this point my 2nd daughter is 13 and I have the same rules. The older on (subject of original answer) is now 15.5 and perfectly happy with tons of friends and activities, good grades but no boyfriend currently. She knows she is allowed to date, but she's very picky! Anyway, here is my original answer. I hope this helps!
First, I would like to say I was appalled at how many people sent responses that said nothing more than ‘She's too young', but offered no other input. Unbelievable! Anyway…
I also have a 13yr old daughter and last year she had a boyfriend before I knew really what was happening. Against all my better judgment I allowed her to keep ‘dating' this boy, but I did set specific limits even though that required some back tracking. I sat down and with her and explained that at this age she may feel like an adult, but her hormones are really not allowing proper judgment so it was my job to keep her safe from herself (never saying anything bad about he boy or keeping her safe from him, which really would not be that well received!). I tried to joke a little about how weird it is to talk about this stuff with mom while still being firm that it was necessary and would continue until for life so she may as well get used to it! :o).
She was not allowed to go to the boy's house any more since I was not sure what type of supervision they would have there. He was welcome to our home, but not in her room. ‘Dates' were limited to school dances and movies in a group. No one-on-one. Phone time was limited to 1 hour a day. They could email, but not instant chat. I also let her know that although I respected her and trusted her, but that trust was only as appropriate for a teenager. That meant that I would be checking on her when she was out and had the right as her mother to check emails and such if I thought it was needed. The computer is not allowed in her room, but only in public areas of the house. I explained that if I walked up while she was online (or phone texting) and she minimized the screen or otherwise limited my ability to see what she was doing, that would be considered lying/sneaking and she would lose privileges as a consequence. She was welcome to tell her friends and boyfriend that I was a horrible mother and blame it all on me, but the rules were firm.
Luckily for us this relationship didn't last too long, but did have a dramatic and hurtful breakup which helped to illustrate my point about why dating is not to be taken lightly and needs to be considered seriously. Afterward we sat down again and I said there would be no more boyfriends for a while. She of course wanted to know when she would be allowed to date again. I was honest and said that I don't believe in setting some arbitrary age for dating, but it would definitely depend on her. I explained that the most important question was not ‘when', but ‘why'. Why does she want to date? Is she bored hanging out with her friends or with her other activities? Does she think that having a boyfriend is important for some reason? This is an ongoing dialogue, (not argument, as soon as she gets argumentative I end the conversation nicely, but firmly. Arguing with a teenager is a losing proposition!) and she has come to realize that just wanting to date someone is not a good thing, but wanting find the right person God has for her is a great thing. Hanging out in groups has become more fun for her since she is not viewing all the guys as potential dates. We've discussed how this arrangement gives her a chance to really see what guys are like. Generally she will have a crush for a few weeks then discovers that he is not as great as she originally thought and moves on to the next crush. By not declaring her feelings up front, she is safe to change those feelings (as all young girls do!) without making it awkward within the group or hurting anyone's feelings.
Ok so now I'm into novel mode! Sorry! All this to say, it is not too late to go back and make something good from this. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom that is paying attention and notices a red flag when she sees it. Keep up the great parenting and be brave, you have great instincts.
Since you say you like the boy and like his parents, have you had a serious conversation with his parent's about this situation. Perhaps if all the parents are on the same page with this, you can work together to let the kids have adequate time together, but not go overboard with it. Personally, I adhere to the old idea that dating prior to age sixteen is group dating, not one on one. If you and the boys parents agree with something of that nature, set up with the kids how often they can go out on a group date with other kids, rules regarding homework/school nights, curfew times, etc. You have to give them some trust, but also enough parental supervision to help them get through this stage of life without doing something that will cause them to be sorry for the rest of their lives... that includes sexual activity, drinking and driving, and a host of other potentially harmful activities.
I agree that you need to have an open, and inviting atmosphere for her to have her boyfriend come to your house, go on outings with you, etc.
Our son-in-law was welcomed into our home, on our terms... meaning we made the rules, let our daughter know that she was responsible for being sure they both followed the rules, and what the consequences would be if the rules were not followed. It was fairly obvious to us in a short time that their relationship would lead to marriage, and he was considered another son rather than just our daughter's boyfriend. The same was true with her older brother bringing home girls. He dated one girl, (was in fact engaged to her for a while) who just didn't seem to get it that she had to abide by our household rules. I kept on telling him it was his responsibility to get his girlfriend in line if he wanted to keep on bringing her into our home. When he didn't seem able to do that, I finally took an opportunity to let her know myself that she was no longer welcome unless she decided to abide by our rules. The relationship ended soon after that, and he now is married to a wonderful woman I refer to as our 'daughter-in-love'. As long as you've established a good trusting relationship with your daughter from the beginning, you should be able to get through this period of time too.
One more thing... I know we all worry about teen age pregnancies, and we should. However, if.. after giving her all the good counsel in that regard that you can.. she does become pregnant, do remember it isn't the end of the world. You can help her through such a situation and all of you come out strong.
I remember being 13 and hating to be with my family also. BUT my mother insisted and strictly limited the amount of time spent at friends houses (1 hour per visit.) she just put down her foot, said no, we stayed home and hated it. BUT now that I'm an adult, I'm glad she did that. We created many family memories that we wouldn't have if she had let us run with friends all the time. Also, don't expect your 13 year old to want to hang out with a 6 year old or a baby. she probably is just not going to want to do it so I would make her take the two for a walk or take them to the park or whatever. Force her if you have to, but insist on family time. Also, it's not good for her to spend all of her time with her boyfriend. try to encourage her to spend time with girlfriends also.
Well as difficult as this is, you need to remember you are the parent and you need to set the boundaries and the rules. It is unhealthy for her to spend so much time with her boyfriend as young as she is. How old is he... 14 also? Or older? If it were me, the time she and he spends together would be at my house so I can keep track on what is going on between them.
I just want to say that you sound very grounded about this and I salute your good mothering. I have no advice because my children are so young, but I think you would be a good person to go for advice on this issue.
In my house, we make family dinner a requirement. And, boyfriend is a bad word until after 16. If you are going to let the relationship continue, I say have the boy over to your house to do family things more often.
You've received some great responses. I have an 18 year old and have had some really rough times with her. I wish I'd been a bit more strict with her. I have 2 suggestions from this point on for you. First off, that computer needs to be in a common living area, not the privacy of her bedroom! Kids say and do things online and in texts that they would never ordinarily say or do. It's not the world you grew up in anymore. Secondly, her cell phone needs to be handed to you to be kept in your bedroom as of 9 pm (or 10, or whatever time you decide). Even if YOUR child respects a certain cutoff time, the largest majority of kids don't, and they text and talk all night long. Teens need large amounts of uninterrupted sleep. Watch her and him like a hawk!
if shes 13 goin on 14 and she has a boyfriend well look into this
SHE IS @ SLUT SHES MOST LIKELY BLOWING THIS GUY RIGHT AS IM TYPING SO YOU SHOULD CHECK ON HER AND MAKE SURE U GIVE SOME HEAD TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR DOUGHTER
AND THANK YOU FOR SERVICES HAVE A NICE DAY
Well what you do is friggin tell her no and force her up spend time with you ether she likes it or not. Grades are going down so this is your opurtunity to stand up and not let her go spend anytime with her boyfriend for a week after that if things Change then you fixed the problem.. But if she continues to do why she is doing like going behind your back or sneaking out then you shouldn't give her any privacy anymore.! Monitor her every minute on the computer texting or even calling others tell her to put it on speaker. If that doesn't work you need to think up of a discipline rule like grounding, spanking, or even not letting her do anything without you. Go over to the boys house when she goes... whatever you do DON'T give her any PRIvACY until things change!!!!!!!!!!!:)
I have to say I really appreciate all the feedback I’m being given going both ways. I never did “approve” the boyfriend, it happened behind my back and didn’t find out for a month. Short of going to her school every day and standing beside her in class I can’t very well “Stop” her from calling some guy her “boyfriend.” Was I ready “no.” Do I think she is to young “yes.” But honestly I considered this no more then innocent crushing. I monitor her texts and computer stuff and everything I read it pretty PG. She still has her friends but quite a bit of drama ensued when they didn’t like him and thought he was taking her away from them blah blah blah, typical 13 year old stuff. I have had him over a couple times and like I said good kid, good head on his shoulders, she could of picked FAR worse for a first boyfriend. From everything I’ve seen and read he genuinly seems to (dare I say) care about her and sex doesn’t even come into play here. I can already predict the future on this as she is a grade ahead of him and starts high school next year while he stays in middle school. (of course the schools are right next door). It just such a confusing time.